~*~*~
I debated whether or not to write this post.
Chances are, a few of you will act in your normal, judgmental fashion and feel compelled to spew your vile mortification. So, let me get this out of the way now.
Fuck you! I don't need, or want, to hear you condemnation of my parenting. I've questioned (and continue to question) how I failed in this situation. If you are inclined to use this as an opportunity to attempt to humiliate me, go away now. Clear?
While Cam was at Fall Retreat last weekend I went through his room. That's right ... I invaded his privacy. You see, I am a parent who believes privacy is earned. If I have reason to believe you are doing something illegal or harmful to yourself or others, I will go through your stuff (including text messages), for as long as you live in my home, I am legally responsible for your actions, and I pay for your cell phone plan.
Based on what I was hearing from the Addiction Counselor at Cam's school, I thought it might be a good idea to take a look-see.
The good news? I found no drugs nor any drug paraphernalia.
Instead, I found condoms and empty condom wrappers. OY!
I had an idea Cam and his GF were sexually active. I've talked to them together, and Cam individually, on several occasions. We've discussed that abstinence is preferred (especially at this age) but that if they decide to make adult decisions about having sex, they had better act in an adult way and use condoms - EVERY time.
The GF's mother and I operate on the same level. The two are not allowed to spend time together - alone (i.e. without an adult in the home) and doors to bedrooms remain open. Although this doesn't guarantee nothing will happen between the two, it certainly lessens the opportunity.
I thought I had my bases covered.
I was wrong.
Yesterday, I was visited by the mom of one of Cam's "friends" ... of the girl variety. This is not a girl who Cam has ever "dated", but she has been to the house on occasion and Cam has spent time at her house.
Apparently they've been spending some alone time together.
This conversation could have gone really, REALLY bad. We could have been talking about a 14-year old being pregnant rather than discussing her emotional and physical well-being (for that I am grateful).
I was thrilled (in an odd way) that her mother came to the house to talk to me. It was a conversation between two concerned parents rather than personal attacks and finger pointing.
We have a plan in place to address this.
I also promised the mother I would talk to Cam.
It's a good thing I had several hours to contemplate my approach on this as it allowed me to be calm (kind of) and rational (almost).
When Cam got home from his GF's house, I said, "We need to talk" - figured I had better get him used to the anxiety associated with those 4 words - he'll hear them many more times in his life.
I told him that I had been visited by "friend's" mother today and asked him if he had any idea why she might have stopped by. He told me he had an idea to which I replied "Tell me your idea."
He gave me that look - the one that says "I'm too embarrassed to tell you and besides, you already know."
I addressed his silence by saying, "If you are going to make adult decisions, you are going to sit down and have an adult conversation with me about your decisions." The look of horror on his face was priceless!
We did sit down and we did talk, about the physical ramifications of his actions (i.e. condoms are NOT an option and they are NOT reusable, no matter what his friends might tell him) the emotional ramifications of his actions (according to the mom, her daughter is now obsessed with Cam and is using her willingness to have sex with him as a means to "take him away" from his GF) and the ramifications on his future, her future, and the future of everyone else who would be impacted should there be a pregnancy.
This was not a discussion I expected to have with my 14-year old son. He is far too young (IMHO) to be sexually active. I explained that I was extremely disappointed in his decision and his actions, but that my greatest concern was for the emotional and physical well-being of all parties involved.
He understands that he will be buying condoms - I will finance the purchase, but he will go to the store, take them from the shelf, bring them to a cashier and pay for them. If he is too embarrassed to buy condoms he is not in a position to be making the decision to have sex.
And all the while I am feeling like a complete failure as a parent.
This is not what I wanted for my son.
I didn't think this was how I was parenting him.
Obviously I screwed up ... again ...
I debated whether or not to write this post.
Chances are, a few of you will act in your normal, judgmental fashion and feel compelled to spew your vile mortification. So, let me get this out of the way now.
Fuck you! I don't need, or want, to hear you condemnation of my parenting. I've questioned (and continue to question) how I failed in this situation. If you are inclined to use this as an opportunity to attempt to humiliate me, go away now. Clear?
While Cam was at Fall Retreat last weekend I went through his room. That's right ... I invaded his privacy. You see, I am a parent who believes privacy is earned. If I have reason to believe you are doing something illegal or harmful to yourself or others, I will go through your stuff (including text messages), for as long as you live in my home, I am legally responsible for your actions, and I pay for your cell phone plan.
Based on what I was hearing from the Addiction Counselor at Cam's school, I thought it might be a good idea to take a look-see.
The good news? I found no drugs nor any drug paraphernalia.
Instead, I found condoms and empty condom wrappers. OY!
I had an idea Cam and his GF were sexually active. I've talked to them together, and Cam individually, on several occasions. We've discussed that abstinence is preferred (especially at this age) but that if they decide to make adult decisions about having sex, they had better act in an adult way and use condoms - EVERY time.The GF's mother and I operate on the same level. The two are not allowed to spend time together - alone (i.e. without an adult in the home) and doors to bedrooms remain open. Although this doesn't guarantee nothing will happen between the two, it certainly lessens the opportunity.
I thought I had my bases covered.
I was wrong.
Yesterday, I was visited by the mom of one of Cam's "friends" ... of the girl variety. This is not a girl who Cam has ever "dated", but she has been to the house on occasion and Cam has spent time at her house.
Apparently they've been spending some alone time together.
This conversation could have gone really, REALLY bad. We could have been talking about a 14-year old being pregnant rather than discussing her emotional and physical well-being (for that I am grateful).
I was thrilled (in an odd way) that her mother came to the house to talk to me. It was a conversation between two concerned parents rather than personal attacks and finger pointing.
We have a plan in place to address this.
I also promised the mother I would talk to Cam.
It's a good thing I had several hours to contemplate my approach on this as it allowed me to be calm (kind of) and rational (almost).
When Cam got home from his GF's house, I said, "We need to talk" - figured I had better get him used to the anxiety associated with those 4 words - he'll hear them many more times in his life.
I told him that I had been visited by "friend's" mother today and asked him if he had any idea why she might have stopped by. He told me he had an idea to which I replied "Tell me your idea."
He gave me that look - the one that says "I'm too embarrassed to tell you and besides, you already know."
I addressed his silence by saying, "If you are going to make adult decisions, you are going to sit down and have an adult conversation with me about your decisions." The look of horror on his face was priceless!
We did sit down and we did talk, about the physical ramifications of his actions (i.e. condoms are NOT an option and they are NOT reusable, no matter what his friends might tell him) the emotional ramifications of his actions (according to the mom, her daughter is now obsessed with Cam and is using her willingness to have sex with him as a means to "take him away" from his GF) and the ramifications on his future, her future, and the future of everyone else who would be impacted should there be a pregnancy.
This was not a discussion I expected to have with my 14-year old son. He is far too young (IMHO) to be sexually active. I explained that I was extremely disappointed in his decision and his actions, but that my greatest concern was for the emotional and physical well-being of all parties involved.
He understands that he will be buying condoms - I will finance the purchase, but he will go to the store, take them from the shelf, bring them to a cashier and pay for them. If he is too embarrassed to buy condoms he is not in a position to be making the decision to have sex.
And all the while I am feeling like a complete failure as a parent.
This is not what I wanted for my son.
I didn't think this was how I was parenting him.
Obviously I screwed up ... again ...
~*~*~
28 comments:
Pfffft. I had great parents. I missed them to to this day and yet I was having sex when I was 15. There is not necessarily a correlation between good parenting and young sex. Cheers Dana!!
Dana, this is all your fault. If you hadn't made Cam so cute and self-confident he would be awkward and lonely like a normal band nerd.
Seriously, I can't even imagine how impossibly hard it must be to have that conversation with the other mother or your very young son. Didn't scientists find a way to remove your child's hormones until the parent deems them ready to use them properly? No?
Cam wanting to get laid at 14 has absolutly nothing to do with your parenting. Every guy knows this as a fact.
The only thing I wonder is if a kid his age now might brag to his friends..."my mom says it's OK".
...and even that is no big deal, he's just a kid and he's growing into the man that he'll choose to be. Your talking to him can only help, but holy crap that subject with your mom at 14 must be quite a trip for him.
My mom found a condom in my wallet at that age and she hit the roof screaming trying (I was way to fast by 14)to hit me while screaming "YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL" I said, "Mom, that's why I have that" of course that just made her go into more of a frenzy until I ran out the house. Dealing with Dad was easier, he smacked me and told me he'd kill me if I got a girl pegnant. That worked!
I personally think you are a fabulous mom. This post makes me even more sure of that opinion.
So basically Cam is a normal teen boy with surging hormones and a healthy desire to get laid. I'm not sure how that makes you a failure.
Glad you had a talk with Cam, but other mom clearly needs to teach her daughter that sex is not a tool to make someone love you or be with you.
Failure as a parent would mean the girl's mother was coming by to plan you all's appearance on "16 and Pregnant" on MTV.
Matt-Man, logically I know that, but it just seems like free choice is highly overrated!
Knight, it was also the first time I had ever even met this mother. Talk about an UGH moment!
Micky-T, you know, I fluctuated back and forth on my decision to finance condoms. What I know is that he is having sex. What I don't know (or am afraid of) is that the lack of access to condoms will not STOP him from having sex. It's a fine line to walk as a parent.
Gina, oh, trust me - my preferred course of action would have been to find a chastity belt!
Karen, this was the one time when I wished my son WASN'T normal, and he has to go there?? I have to say that I am quite concerned about the girl's attitude in all of this, and explained it to Cam. I went with the "This may not be what you are thinking, but it is what SHE is thinking" I also learned that the girl's mom had her when she was 16, and is TERRIFIED her daughter will repeat that pattern.
Susan, ... or Jerry Springer ...
I know that you are shocked and dissapointed that Cam is sexually active but I would look at it the other way.
He listened!
He's using condoms! That is a huge plus. He is being responsible. Only Cam can decide when he's ready to have sex and apparently he has made that decision but I would hold onto the fact that he is doing it safely. And I would definitley keep driving that point to him.
And BTW- I often do searches on my kids stuff. I'm not big on privacy until you get your own place. Privacy has a price in my home. It's called rent.
What I think is awesome is that you drove home the emotional ramifications of sex to Cam. I think that part of is much more difficult for teenagers to wrap their minds around than the actual physical act itself. The safe sex practice is pretty much cut and dried and easy to deal with - it's the mental repercussions (especially on the girl's end) that are the difficult part of teen sex. <== and one I am *NOT* looking forward to deal with my daughters, but I know it's on the horizon.
I tried to imagine having this conversation with my mom. It would have been impossible. I had sex at 17. The boy involved was 19. Fourteen is too young. In my opinion you are right to confront the fact and deal with it. I never had kids but a gf of mine told me she sat her 2 daughters down at 14 and had the talk, then went with them to get them birth control pills. I thought that was very brave.
And THIS is why I don't have kids. I got nothing. Other than there is nothing here that would make you a failure as a parent. Nothing at all.
Wait. Girls use sex to manipulate guys? Why didn't somebody tell me this?!
Raquel's World, he is using condoms. From what he told me, he got some from a friend. Let's just hope they weren't the ones the GF put pin holes in!
Sedorah, the emotional side of it is equally as important to me - maybe because I am a girl? All I know is my heart skipped a beat when this girl's mother was telling me how she felt.
Charlene, I was thoroughly impressed that the girl's mom came to talk to me AND was so level-headed about it. It made the situation much easier to deal with.
Jay, this would be a very good reason to NOT have children :)
Mike, I know ... hard o believe, isn't it??
Pretty much everyone I know started having sex at 14 which may or may not make you feel any better. It's not any sort of reflection of bad parenting. Trust me.
I don't think you are a bad parent Dana. Even though it has been many years since I was 14 years old. I still remember the urge to jump every girl I knew. Cam is using condoms, that's a plus. I don't think you are Jerry Springer material, either. I think you had an adult conversation with your son about an adult subject. That's way more than a lot of parents ever do. Sadly, Pandora's box has been open and there is no turning back on that issue. Good luck with Cam. You are just joining the ranks of a lot of other parents who are dealing with this issue. As a matter of fact. If I was grading you on this, I would give you an "A". I think the other girl situation was unforeseen and a surprise. I'm just sayin!
I completely support searching his room and I would prefer my 14 yr old son be having sex rather than using drugs. I don't see this as a parenting failure, the fact that he is using condoms is more like a parenting success don't you think?
Dana. You need to cut yourself some slack. You are far too hard on yourself and while you might want to take credit for all the poor choices Cam might make, you can't. He's 14 and he will think of plenty on his own. The talk was good but I suggest you scare the hell out of him with what happens when he has to support a kid at 15. Maybe have him watch 16 and pregnant. :) seriously. Good luck. the next few years will be bumpy but you guys will make it through.
If our parenting skills were directly tied to the actions of our kids, I think we'd all be screwed. It this little thing called free-will that always messes things up. Trust me - I can tell you stories about great parents and great adults and their kids that would make you feel a lot better.
What I think really is the mark of a good parent vs a bad is how you handle the situations. In your case, a bad parent would have pretended there were no condoms, no sex happening, and continued on as though all was well. What you did - was perfect. Well done! :)
So because Cam let little Cam take over you are a bad parent? I think not. I also think searching the room is a fine idea.
I regularly check DB's internet activity and remind him that privacy is for people who pay the mortgage.
I agree with Gina, you are a great mom. Bad mom's don't care and definately don't sit down and have difficult conversations with their children. You can not make him do what you want, you can only give him the tools to make the best choices he can and hope for the best. I had the threat of death on me from my dad and I still managed to have sex at 15.
I think you handled it perfectly. Being a mother is the hardest job in the world and from reading your blog it looks to me like you are doing it alone so the best thing you can do is pat yourself on the back once in a while and realize that you ARE a good mother. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I am curious as to why you say this. I can safely say that I was experimenting with Sex at that age as well, and I certainly did not have "the Talk" you had with Cam.
I say look at all these moments as opportunities. Cam is choosing his own path...not yours. Your Job should be to guide him correctly...which, IMHO I believe you are doing very well.
Just as a side note, I would have also guided him about his feelings if he found out that his girlfriend was screwing around with another guy. The Golden rule really does apply here.
I could take the time and read the other comments, but why?
Kids are sexually active much younger these days and oral sex does not count...so this is not about your parenting skills. From what you write you have done everything a son's parent needs to do. Insist on condoms if they are not going to restrain from engaging in sex.
And not only to keep from conceiving a child, but to stay ALIVE!
Letting him know if he wants to be an adult he gets treated like an adult is perfect.
Hopefully he will keep these lessons close at hand and he will not engage in reckless actions that could impact the lives of many.
Here's how my mom approached the subject. She said (paraphrasing), "If you get pregnant, you might as well tell me; I'll do whatever I can to help you. BUT -- if I find out you've been using drugs, you'd better believe that when the police get a call to come and take you away, that call will have come from ME."
Aside from the fact that my mom, as I now understand her 20 years since her death, would have absolutely freaked at pregnancy, despite all her efforts to sound cool, she also would have pushed very hard for me to get an abortion, and I'm not sure how that would have affected me years later. Fortunately, I never had to find out because I was a late bloomer and also VERY conscientious about contraception. I was reading Cosmopolitan at the age of 14!
But more to the point: There was wisdom in her words. Sex is a natural occurrence. It can have devastating consequences when people choose to conduct their sex lives like clueless animals and not the higher beings we're supposed to be. But it's natural. "Nice" people have sex, just like the "skankier" folks do. It can sneak up on us and bludgeon us over the head with hormone-driven ferocity.
Drug use, on the other hand, involves a lot of conscious decision-making. One reason I never felt tempted to get into that lifestyle (despite having two alcoholic parents) was that it would have necessitated associating with the kind of kids I couldn't stand in high school. Sex is relatively inexpensive and can be quite spontaneous, whereas drug use usually involves an outlay of money that eventually ends up being acquired through illicit means. And you have to plan to take drugs, since it's illegal.
Coming from this POV, it sounds like Cam is using his brains in this situation. I wouldn't berate yourself unnecessarily. Kids learn more from us than we think, and he has apparently picked up some good practical thinking from you. Remember, YOU FOUND the condoms -- you didn't have to sit him down and beg him to stop taking reckless chances. He was ahead of you.
However, the emotional/relationship aspect is going to be more of a challenge, as it appears to be already showing -- girl vs. girl, etc. Please let him watch an episode or two of Jerry Springer, in which two pathetic young women fight over a loser of a guy who thinks he's hot stuff to be the object of such jealousy. Ask him if that's the sort of adulthood he aspires to and see if that gets him thinking about these girls he's involved with.
I'm really glad he's not using drugs, and hope he continues in that regard.
What a nice post. I really love reading these types or articles. I can?t wait to see what others have to say.
Hi! New here, but am going to be coming back.
I don't think that his decision has anything to do with bad parenting - so give yourself a break. Instead celebrate the fact that you were able to have GREAT conversations and while they were awkward and uncomfortable, he'll thank you for it (but likely never outloud) later.
Kudos to you.
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