Real Value

~*~*~

I've kind of stopped writing posts in response to posts written by others because ... well? Seems someone is always getting bent out of shape when I do that, but I'm making an exception today.

Karen (Smiling Through It All) wrote a post yesterday that I have to address. When I read the title - Haves and Have Nots - I immediately felt my eyes bulge and jaw clench. I have a soft spot for Karen, although we've certainly had our ups and downs in the cyber world, but when I read that title, my first thought was "Here we go again."

I'm pretty sure there was even an eye roll thrown in for good measure.

Karen was addressing her most recent visit to a hospital that provides care to a wide socioeconomic range of people, from those who have private insurance and the ability to pay their bills, to those who do not.

I was certain I knew where her post was going, but I went ahead and took the plunge, accepting that I'd be pissed off when I finished reading. Then it happened. There was one paragraph that caught me off guard:

Today I as sat in the dental office and truly observed those around me. I was wearing my $200 sunglasses, my $180 jeans and carrying my $300+ pocketbook. I checked facebook on my iphone and passed some time reading on my Nook. Other people in the room were wearing dirty, clearly second or third hand jackets and holey shoes. Again, on the surface we are getting the same care, but you really have to wonder if that is true. As I thought about the disparity in the room, I felt a strange combination of elitist-ism and embarrassment.

I'm going to just put it out here and say that I have always felt Karen was somewhat elitist. I know that is a word with serious negative connotations, but in Karen's case, I don't believe it's intentional. I think she's just been extremely fortunate to not have had to face many of the life struggles others have. It's difficult to understand where someone has been when you've never been there. I get that.

But in that paragraph (you really should read the whole post) I saw something in Karen that I've never seen before - something that I could connect with. It was good to see that Karen was aware of her surroundings and the vast discrepancy of people in her own back yard.

I was feeling really good about the post.

I shouldn't have read the comments.

There was one left by Becky at lifeoutoffocus. In all fairness, I don't know Becky. In fact, I had never even heard of her before yesterday. I did visit her blog ( Life out of Focus), trying to get a better grasp of the type of person who would write (in part):

I grew up in a poor household and would have totally been jealous of you and all you have. Now that I'm adult and married a guy who works hard and have held down my own job for years and have worked hard too ... we're middle class ... sometimes upper middle class on a good day ... I have $300 purses from Coach, Oakley sunglasses ... an iPhone .... etc ... and I know my sisters and other family who are still stuck in that rut look at me like how you think those other people looked at you. And yet I feel exactly how you do...I worked hard for this. Nothing has ever been handed to me...esp since I had to come UP to get here. I appreciate all I have because I remember when I didn't have so much. I will never make apologies for what I have and who I am. Neither should you. I respect other people's positions in life too and wish everyone could have a good life...but some people also aren't willing to work for it either...others do and that's the best they have and that makes me sad. Either way...bring your Nook and your phone and sunglasses. Never feel like you have to hide it. You're not flaunting anything...it's not like you're walking in with 100s just falling all over the place.

And all that I could think of was really? REALLY? You are trying to justify your disgust with those people by allowing yourself to believe they think poorly of you? Really?

Those of you who have never had to spend a chilly November night sleeping in your car at a Wisconsin rest stop because you had nowhere else to go? Those of you who have never had to stand in line at a food bank so that you could feed your child? Those of you who have never worked a non-union, factory job for minimum wage? You are more likely the "have nots".

When I see people carrying their $300.00 Coach bags, iPhones and iPads, I am not envious of what they have. I may, for a brief moment, consider the groceries I could purchase if I sold their Coach bag on eBay, but I don't covet their things.

I have life experiences that they may not have. I have the ability to truly feel empathy for others. I have so much that is far more valuable than those Oakley sunglasses, and yet the Becky's of the world? They will likely walk right by me assuming I have nothing of value.

Everyone has a story. To lump all of those people into a giant bucket labeled "not willing to work hard" or "jealous of me and the things I have" is short-sighted, irresponsible and quite elitist.

It makes me wonder who the haves and the have nots really are.

~*~*~

Brew-Ha-Ha

~*~*~

Last week, there was a bit of a brew-ha-ha in my immediate blog-sphere. Surprisingly it wasn't me who initiated it this time (I was more like collateral damage) but it could have been me. In fact, it has been me in the past.

What happened? Well, Matt-Man had the audacity - as a non-New Yorker - to write a post about the Mosque at (near) Ground Zero. If that wasn't bad enough (because we all know New Yorkers have special privilege when it comes to being affected by 9-11, and Matt-Man is many things but he is not a New Yorker) he quoted a comment left by Karen, used it in a "less-than-flattering" manner ... and ... he didn't give her a heads up.

There was a time not so long ago when I would have said that Matt-Man exercised bad blogging manners ... and I'd have been wrong. *gasp*

What?? How can that be?? Well, I've written several posts where I have quoted and/or just plain "called out" other bloggers on their opinions and comments (HERE , HERE , HERE and HERE ... for starters). Some of these posts I gave the bloggers/commenters no warning. Some of them I gave a heads up and mentioned they would likely not agree with my opinions. I've used parts of posts/comments without referencing the writer. Hell, I've even offered to let bloggers/commenters READ THE POST before I publish it (they've always declined) and you know what? With very few exceptions (Jayman and Matt-Man come to mind), I've gotten the same response each and every time. Those I disagree with are PISSED.

See, this isn't about good blogging manners, it's about having a differing opinion. When I blog about the [ego-stroking adjective] post that [blogger name] wrote, I get nothing but appreciation and adoration. But have a differing opinion? And make it public? Then use the blogger/commenter's words as part of my argument? That will get one removed from the Christmas card list, unfollowed on twitter, blog removed from Reader AND unfriended on facebook.

What was my part in the Matt-Man/Karen brew-ha-ha? I didn't stick up for Karen. Her feelings were hurt. I get that, but I didn't feel what Matt-Man did was wrong and I agreed with his opinion. I don't think Karen's reaction to what Matt-Man wrote would have been any different had he sent her an email saying "I'm using your comment in a blog post tomorrow" (although she believes it would have). Experience tells me the reaction would have been the same - Karen would still have been PISSED.

Why? Because this is about people and how they react to opinions different than their own - especially when they are held accountable for their own opinions in a public forum.

Before anyone starts screaming "HYPOCRITE" at their computer monitor, yes, I have over-reacted to a blog post or two (or many) in the past. I will definitely probably do it again at some point in the future. What I hope I've learned though is that it is far better to reach out to the person behind the blog and ASK what their intention was rather than assuming it was meant to harm, belittle or embarrass in a public forum. Hopefully they'll have the gonads to be truthful in their response (not always the case).

You see, when all is said and done, Aunt Becky from Mommy Wants Vodka sums it up quite well:

I don’t owe The Internet anything.

I can help my friends with whatever they need, but I don’t owe anybody anything. There’s a difference there, you see? It may be a fine line, but there is a line.

I would argue it's not really a fine line - that this particular line is drawn with a Sharpie Chisel Tip, not a 0.5mm Pentel P225.

I don't owe The Internet anything.

Better yet? The Internet doesn't owe me anything, and it's quite liberating to (finally) embrace that!

~*~*~

Interview Questions

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As I mentioned Saturday, Karen - who writes Smiling Through It All - offered to write five interview questions for any of her reader's who were foolish daring enough to to ask, and I asked! Karen did a great job and came up with some tough questions.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

1. While you were in the military did you experience any discrimination or harassment due to your gender? Or did you get any benefits or perks by way of being a woman?

I definitely experienced some harassment, but never any perks (other than not having to do as many push-ups as my male counterparts to pass a PT test)!

When I was stationed at Ft. Meade, I had a 1SG (that's First Sergent for you civilian types) who frequently made comments that would certainly be considered sexual harassment. The one that stands out most in my mind was the time he said, "You could be more than just a soldier to me" which was said during discussions regarding reenlistment. That wasn't the first such comment he made, nor was it the last, but it was the one that creeped me out the most. He was quite good at insuring there were no witnesses to these comments so that if I took it up the chain of command it would be his word against mine. I tolerated it, and tried to stay away from him as much as possible.

2. This week you talked a bit about the troubles Cam is going through. I want to know what Cam does that makes you proud?

This is a difficult question only because there is so much about him that makes me proud. He is amazingly creative and his imagination and talent are far beyond my grasp. Just one example of this is Cam's amazing affinity for music. He taught himself to play piano (he actually plays several classical pieces by ear) and continues to spend hours at the keyboard attempting to conquer the next composition. Last week, he was given a guitar (from his school principal of all people) and has already taught himself three songs over the weekend.

Aside from his creative nature, his nurturing personality is the other thing I am most proud of. Cam is (generally) a gentle giant. He sticks up for the underdog and has an amazing rapport with young children. In fact, the recent pissing/alpha male incident was the result of Cam seeking "justice" for someone who was being bullied and who Cam felt couldn't stick up for himself.

3. It is my understanding that you made a long move to marry to your husband. How did you two meet?

Husband and I have one of those "just missed" histories that actually started in the early 80's when I moved to the San Diego area and lived in a condo that backed up to his home. We both remember seeing each other around town, but we never formally met.

He and I ended up joining the Army at about the same time (1989 - he enlisted in San Diego, I was back in Washington State and enlisted there). We actually both attended AIT at Fort Sam Houston (TX) at the same time and our morning and evening formations were right next to each other. Again, we both remember the other from casual interactions, but never met formally.

Another 3 years passed and we both ended up at Ft. Detrick (MD). My roommate told me there was someone I must meet and introduced us. We became friends, and eventually "friends with benefits". This was just a few years after my husband's suicide, and I had no interest in making any kind of commitment, so this arrangement worked well for me. Husband, on the other hand, had just turned 30 and was looking for a wife, and to start a family. He went home on leave one weekend and came back engaged to the woman who would eventually become his first wife.

Husband and I remained friends and stayed in touch even after we both left the Army. Little know fact, Cam and my step-daughter were actually born in the same hospital (14 months apart). Anyway, when the company I was working for in Maryland was bought out by a large corporation, and I was required to relocate to the Midwest, I knew he was the only friend I would leave behind that I would truly miss.

After my move, we lost touch. On a whim, about 5 years later, I did an internet search trying to track him down and found his father. I emailed his father who gave me contact information for husband, but I never had the courage to contact him. I did find out that he and his wife had moved to the Chicago area though - just a 5 hour drive from where I was.

Months later, while visiting a friend in Chicago, curiosity got the best of me. I loved husband (as a friend) and really wanted to see him again. We met up for a few hours and the sparks flew. He and his wife had separated and I was not attached. We rekindled the romance and began long-distance dating.

After about a year of the long-distance thing we decided it was time to make things more permanent. I sold my home and moved Cam and I out to the Chicago area. We moved in with husband and 2-1/2 years later we were married. I started blogging about 18 months after we were married, which means y'all have spent about half of my marriage with me.

4. This may sound cheesy, but you are one of my "blogging heroes". I admire your openness and honesty and ability to state a differing opinion so gracefully. Who are are your blogging heroes and why?

Wow! This one really caught me off guard. Honestly made me question Karen's sanity for a moment!

Blogging Heroes huh? I'm going to go ahead and answer this although it has all of the makings of one of those questions where someone will feel bad because they weren't included, but you caught me on a good day - one where being politically correct isn't at the top of my list.

The bottom line? Every blog I read I read because there is something I find "heroic" about the blogger or their blog. I don't read out of obligation, although that is usually how I find new blogs to read. Someone new will stop by and leave a comment which always elicits a visit and often ends up as an addition to my reader. Maybe I did get a little politically correct there, but it's all true!

Let me start with Jay at Cynical Bastard. He writes in a way that makes me want to sit down and have dinner and a beer with him (in fact sometimes I do just that - cyberly of course). He is intelligent, spunky, funny and one of the sweetest bloggers I "know." He is a good guy and gives me faith that there are still good guys out there!

Jeff B at A Word In Edgewise is on my list too. He's there for his wonderful fictional writing, but also for taking on a project that another blogger started, then bailed on, that encourages fictional writing. I admire anyone who can put together a good piece of fiction and the fact that he encourages others just adds to his appeal.

Then there is Lynn at Real Live Lesbian. Her posts are often thought provoking and always from the heart. She writes things that make me stop and consider why I see the world in the way that I do, and that maybe there is another view I should take a look at. She has been an AMAZING support for me from the early days of my blogging. I admire, respect and love her as a blogger and as a friend.

5. Are you making a New Year's Resolution?

I don't usually make standard New Year's Resolutions (those where a new behavior starts on January 1st). I prefer to look at annual goals this time of year (yeah, I know, semantics) - things that I plan on achieving, but that require multiple steps. My focus this year is to provide an emotionally healthy home for Cam and I. As easy as this sounds, it really will be one of the toughest goals I've taken on in quite some time.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So, are there any of you out there who are foolish daring enough to challenge me to interview you? Leave me a comment and I'll see what I can do!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Saturday Soup

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Another Saturday of "Throw a bunch of leftovers in the pot" posting! Let's start with a cyber gift I received from Jormengrund. Once in a while you meet a blogger who has amazing parallels to your own life. Jormengrund - who writes Yet Another Day in Paradise - is one of those bloggers. He gave me a button for Christmas - my very own button! See? Here it is!

And how perfect is this? Now all I need is that darn "normal" meter and all will be well in the world.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I didn't get around to responding to any of my comments yesterday. Let's just say Friday was a continuation of Thursday and I was addressing issues on the home front that required much of my focus. I'll likely get around to posting on this situation, but I'd like there to be some resolution before I do.

In short, I'm tired of talking, and failing - of making decisions, and letting fear get the best of me - of thinking I know what I'm doing, then second guessing myself into inaction. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and so fearful of making a wrong decision that the only decision I am making is the decision NOT to make a decision. It's beginning to really take a toll on my emotional health and my ability to complete daily tasks. In other words, I think I'm losing it ...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Karen - who writes Smiling Through It All - offered to write five interview questions for any of her reader's who were foolish daring enough to to ask. Well, you know me! I asked!! Karen sent me an email that said, in part, "You are a difficult person to interview because you are so open about your life and you do the Tuesday questions. I had to give it some thought." Well, she did just that and asked some great questions.

1. While you were in the military did you experience any discrimination or harassment due to your gender? Or did you get any benefits or perks by way of being a woman?

2. This week you talked a bit about the troubles Cam is going through. I want to know what Cam does that makes you proud?

3. It is my understanding that you made a long move to marry to your husband. How did you two meet?

4. This may sound cheesy, but you are one of my "blogging heros". I admire your openness and honesty and ability to state a differing opinion so gracefully. Who are are your blogging heros and why?

5. Are you making a New Year's Resolution?

What? You thought I was going to answer them? Well, I am, but it will have to wait until Monday. Although I was quite prepared to do it today, I realized that it was going to need to be a post of its own. Remember? I'm the one who makes simple things more difficult can't give a simple answer without it turning into a long story.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~