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Yesterday, our Aunt Becky put up a post about her son Ben, who just happens to be on the autism spectrum. In discussing his "rejection" of her, she writes:
While reading this I had one of those moments where a thought bubble containing a light bulb appeared over my head. And why is it a light bulb? Why not a telephone or chop sticks? Those are both inventions too! Anyway, light bulb moment.
For most of my life I have "battled" with my family about my level of attachment to them. Yesterday, I received an email from my Aunt Wiener (don't ask - long story) that said, in part:
I sat down and wrote a lengthy email response, attempting to explain - yet again - that my lack of attachment has little (nothing?) to do with the family and everything to do with me ... which prompted me to write a very overdue email to my parents.
In it I told them that I understand my lack of communication and regular updates looks selfish, purposeful and might even be seen as a reflection of negative feelings towards the family. That I struggle with relationships, be they family relationships, romantic relationships, work relationships or friendships. That I know what others expect and, although I can manage it for a while, it becomes emotionally overwhelming and exhausting. That I refuse to make another promise to be better at keeping them in the loop when I know that I cannot keep it. That my actions are not some passive-aggressive way of lashing out for perceived childhood wrongs.
I also shared with them that I now realize that I was likely a much more difficult child than I ever owned up to.
I concluded the email with, "I just want what everyone else wants, to be accepted for who I am, for it to be OK for me to be me."
In spite of my pity party on Christmas, I know that my family cares a lot about me and Cam. I know they love us. I also know that I don't show them my love in the way they expect to see it, and that makes their hearts heavy.
Some of you might think I should change - that I should do what everyone else does and be a "good" daughter. That I should quit being selfish and thinking only about what I want.
I don't know. Would tell a blind person to just try harder to see? That they should just do what everyone else does and be a "good" citizen? To quit being so selfish and expecting others to lead them around obstacles?
A bad analogy? No ... even though many of you may want to argue the point, it's actually surprisingly accurate.
Yesterday, our Aunt Becky put up a post about her son Ben, who just happens to be on the autism spectrum. In discussing his "rejection" of her, she writes:The older he got, the worse I felt. The pain was exquisite. It was compounded when I enrolled in school full-time to earn my nursing degree while working part-time as a waitress/bartender over the weekends as I didn’t see my son much.
He didn’t care.
I, however, cared very, very much.
While reading this I had one of those moments where a thought bubble containing a light bulb appeared over my head. And why is it a light bulb? Why not a telephone or chop sticks? Those are both inventions too! Anyway, light bulb moment.
For most of my life I have "battled" with my family about my level of attachment to them. Yesterday, I received an email from my Aunt Wiener (don't ask - long story) that said, in part:
I hope you and Cam had a great Christmas. I am going to say something that I hope you take in the vein it is given ~ with love. You sure have pulled away from family. I understand your need to live your own life and respect that, but it is as though you are just a person we once knew. Whether you realize it or not, you do have people that love you and care about you, but you seem to pull away and want to do life your way or the highway.
I believe that it is a sad day when your parents and family have to go on Facebook to make sure you are still around ~ somewhere.
I sat down and wrote a lengthy email response, attempting to explain - yet again - that my lack of attachment has little (nothing?) to do with the family and everything to do with me ... which prompted me to write a very overdue email to my parents.
In it I told them that I understand my lack of communication and regular updates looks selfish, purposeful and might even be seen as a reflection of negative feelings towards the family. That I struggle with relationships, be they family relationships, romantic relationships, work relationships or friendships. That I know what others expect and, although I can manage it for a while, it becomes emotionally overwhelming and exhausting. That I refuse to make another promise to be better at keeping them in the loop when I know that I cannot keep it. That my actions are not some passive-aggressive way of lashing out for perceived childhood wrongs.
I also shared with them that I now realize that I was likely a much more difficult child than I ever owned up to.
I concluded the email with, "I just want what everyone else wants, to be accepted for who I am, for it to be OK for me to be me."
In spite of my pity party on Christmas, I know that my family cares a lot about me and Cam. I know they love us. I also know that I don't show them my love in the way they expect to see it, and that makes their hearts heavy.
Some of you might think I should change - that I should do what everyone else does and be a "good" daughter. That I should quit being selfish and thinking only about what I want.
I don't know. Would tell a blind person to just try harder to see? That they should just do what everyone else does and be a "good" citizen? To quit being so selfish and expecting others to lead them around obstacles?
A bad analogy? No ... even though many of you may want to argue the point, it's actually surprisingly accurate.
~*~*~
9 comments:
I've dealt with something very similar to what you're going through. It's all very well and good to attempt to pillory you for lack of communication (their perception doesn't necessarily equate to reality, as you no doubt know). But, how often do they try to get in touch with you? As I am wont to say (how nice I actually got to use the word 'wont' in a sentence), a telephone (and email) works BOTH ways.
In keeping with the comparison to the blind, you could always get a Family Friendly Eye Dog, and the dog could go to family functions and what not for you. Cheers Dana!!
The blindness comparison is striking. I'd be the first say attitude is a choice, but maybe for some people it just really, really isn't.
It is hard to be misunderstood. I hope your family comes to understand you soon.
I can relate to this post in some ways. Although I'm not that way with immediate family, I do have this same problem with friends and extended family.
And a general lack of social skills. ;-)
NT's will never understand.
Al Penwasser, and my issues are really with the phone - I don't do phone conversations well. I get a LOT of information on intent through body language, and without that my phone conversations are often misunderstood. My family feels email is impersonal. *shrugs*
Matt-Man, but what if they like the dog better than me?? WAIT!! That *is* the answer!!
Karen, agreed ... if it was indeed attitude, but what if it is wiring?
Jay, lacking social skills doesn't usually bother me ... until I become aware that my social skills are lacking :)
Mike, I honestly believe that many (most?) people believe that, unless there has been traumatic brain injury, the brain is completely malleable and can always be "molded" differently.
Hubby has issues in much the same way. He has ADD. Which seems cut and dry but really has many different layers and is very complicated. I hope for you them come to realize that it is just you, and THEY pick up the phone more and make it work. Happy New Year!
I'll be the last person to tell you to be a "good" daughter. In fact, from what you've written of your family it's surprising to see that you think it's primarily your fault. I mean, from what you wrote here it's clear that you struggle with connections but that doesn't mean you need to accept the lion's share of culpability. I completely understand wanting to play the part of "good" daughter but the family needs to be a "good" family too. It doesn't sound like yours has always done their part so don't kick yourself for what you cannot change.
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