~*~*~
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning
and not be a child.
~ Erma Bombeck
Maybe that is where the sadness came from - memories of childhood Christmases that revolved around family and, at least for a few minutes on Christmas morning, knowing that people were thinking of me.
We all, at some level, want to be acknowledged and validated.
Last year was a difficult Christmas. The move out of husband's house was still raw and scary, but people opened their hearts and made it one of the most memorable Christmases for Cam and me.
This year? They were gone. I should be all settled now, right? Last Christmas may have been difficult, but someone else needs more attention than I do, right??
Yes, I did find find joy in giving. A few opportunities to pay it forward, trying to recreate that joy that I felt last year, for a few people who really needed it this year. I hope I was successful.
Cam had gifts under the tree and a stocking filled to the brim. He hadn't asked for much, instead wanting to spend money that would have been spent on him on others (primarily his girl friend).
I keep telling myself it shouldn't have bothered me that there was nothing under the tree for me. After all, Christmas is about giving, not receiving, right? I was able to provide for my son and share some joy with others. That should have been enough, right?
Yet waking up Christmas morning and facing the fact that there was nothing for me - that other things (people) were more important - hit hard. It made my heart heavy.
I snapped when we picked up Cam's girlfriend Christmas morning and she began reciting the long list of gifts she had received. UGG boots, a flat screen TV for her bedroom, $250 in gift cards. I was disappointed that I wasn't able to do that for Cam and angry that her "bragging" resulted in Cam trying to "justify" the few things he did get.
My snotty toned, "You know, Christmas isn't about all of the things you got" comment managed to quickly shut her up and simultaneously piss off Cam.
A phone call from my step-son Christmas Eve led me to believe that Cam and I would be making a visit to husband's house - spending time with family - something that really has far more value to me than any material gift possibly could.
A text message from husband Christmas morning took that gift away. He was irritated that plans hadn't been made far enough in advance and told the kids not to come for Christmas. There would be no opportunity to spend time with what little family I have here.
My father, who specifically asked what Cam wanted for Christmas, didn't come through with one of the few things that was on Cam's list. I knew I shouldn't have trusted him with something Cam actually asked for, but hoped beyond hope that he would come through for his grandson even though he never came through for me as a child. He didn't. I was silly to think he'd do things any differently than he has in the past.
There was an invitation for dinner from a dear friend, but I couldn't bring myself to go knowing that I would likely ruin a joyful day for others. I knew I wasn't in a place where I could fake being happy which meant going would have been extremely selfish. I stayed home.
I kept trying - really trying - to let go of the feeling of invisibility - of feeling like I just didn't matter to anyone - but the glaring reality was difficult to ignore, especially from my own family.
I take responsibility for most of this. I've built walls. I've kept people out so that they can't hurt me and instead I end up hurting myself. Somehow that is easier than letting other people do it.
I've got to figure out how to stop this. How to be a better judge of character, choosing relatively safe people to open up to. How to feel comfortable letting people in because keeping them out? That just invites misery and self-deprecation and honestly? I'm tired of feeling not good enough damn it!
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning
and not be a child.
~ Erma Bombeck
Maybe that is where the sadness came from - memories of childhood Christmases that revolved around family and, at least for a few minutes on Christmas morning, knowing that people were thinking of me.
We all, at some level, want to be acknowledged and validated.
Last year was a difficult Christmas. The move out of husband's house was still raw and scary, but people opened their hearts and made it one of the most memorable Christmases for Cam and me.
This year? They were gone. I should be all settled now, right? Last Christmas may have been difficult, but someone else needs more attention than I do, right??
Yes, I did find find joy in giving. A few opportunities to pay it forward, trying to recreate that joy that I felt last year, for a few people who really needed it this year. I hope I was successful.
Cam had gifts under the tree and a stocking filled to the brim. He hadn't asked for much, instead wanting to spend money that would have been spent on him on others (primarily his girl friend).
I keep telling myself it shouldn't have bothered me that there was nothing under the tree for me. After all, Christmas is about giving, not receiving, right? I was able to provide for my son and share some joy with others. That should have been enough, right?
Yet waking up Christmas morning and facing the fact that there was nothing for me - that other things (people) were more important - hit hard. It made my heart heavy.
I snapped when we picked up Cam's girlfriend Christmas morning and she began reciting the long list of gifts she had received. UGG boots, a flat screen TV for her bedroom, $250 in gift cards. I was disappointed that I wasn't able to do that for Cam and angry that her "bragging" resulted in Cam trying to "justify" the few things he did get.
My snotty toned, "You know, Christmas isn't about all of the things you got" comment managed to quickly shut her up and simultaneously piss off Cam.
A phone call from my step-son Christmas Eve led me to believe that Cam and I would be making a visit to husband's house - spending time with family - something that really has far more value to me than any material gift possibly could.
A text message from husband Christmas morning took that gift away. He was irritated that plans hadn't been made far enough in advance and told the kids not to come for Christmas. There would be no opportunity to spend time with what little family I have here.
My father, who specifically asked what Cam wanted for Christmas, didn't come through with one of the few things that was on Cam's list. I knew I shouldn't have trusted him with something Cam actually asked for, but hoped beyond hope that he would come through for his grandson even though he never came through for me as a child. He didn't. I was silly to think he'd do things any differently than he has in the past.
There was an invitation for dinner from a dear friend, but I couldn't bring myself to go knowing that I would likely ruin a joyful day for others. I knew I wasn't in a place where I could fake being happy which meant going would have been extremely selfish. I stayed home.
I kept trying - really trying - to let go of the feeling of invisibility - of feeling like I just didn't matter to anyone - but the glaring reality was difficult to ignore, especially from my own family.
I take responsibility for most of this. I've built walls. I've kept people out so that they can't hurt me and instead I end up hurting myself. Somehow that is easier than letting other people do it.
I've got to figure out how to stop this. How to be a better judge of character, choosing relatively safe people to open up to. How to feel comfortable letting people in because keeping them out? That just invites misery and self-deprecation and honestly? I'm tired of feeling not good enough damn it!
~*~*~
21 comments:
I am very sorry. You expressed your feelings here beautifully, and I think anyone would feel the same the way. It isn't about PRESENTS; it is about the being remembered. It totally is the thought that counts. I can't believe that Cam didn't get you a little something.
Karen, The lack of thought on Cam's par bothered me, but not nearly as much as the lack of thought from *my* parents.
The holidays are hard enough without having to feel alone. {{{Hugs}}}
I felt about the same way, although I kept most of it at bay until I got home from my friend's house, who felt sorry for me and invited me to dinner.
I got nothing for christmas from anyone, even though I busted ASS to get gifts to my nephews and niece for Christmas. No card, no calls, nothing.
I told myself I deserve it, because I don't reach out to people and maybe I should change, but I'm not going to chase after people to be my friend simply so I can get gifts. Incidentally, I didn't give gifts to anyone except the kids. Maybe because I never GET gifts so why waste money on people who don't care.... it's a vicious cycle.
Evil Twin's Wife, I wasn't feeling alone - I *was* alone. I've made the choices that got me here, I can make the choices that get me out of here.
Curvy Jones, I was right there with you! It is a vicious cycle. I want family/friends to be there because the want to be there, not because the feel obligated to, or pity for, me. And like you, I take the blame, but wonder how to get out of it.
It is horrible that Cam and your parents both forgot you, and your ex once again reminds us why he should stay an ex.
Hopefully you will work on those connections and have a better Christmas next year.
I was at my sisters house. There was a basement full of people sceaming and hollering having a great time (driving me nuts).
Yeah that blows and there is no other way around it. Sorry Dana, really. Cheers anyway!!
Well ... That does suck. Totally ridiculous on your parent's part too. I wish I had something more intelligent to say here, but I don't. Sorry babe.
Another Suburban Mom, I think Cam takes me for granted, and my parents just ... well ... I know they love me but I think maybe they are comfortable that I know they do and just kind of let it roll. In other words, Cam and my parents think eerily the same way.
Mike, ahhhh ... but you had the CHOICE to be driven nuts :)
Matt-Man, you know, it was actually the same last year, but with the outpouring of love from others I didn't have the time to realize it. Time to quit expecting anything other than what I know to expect, right?!
Jay, you'd think they had twelve kids or something ... or maybe just one they'd rather forget :)
Sorry. That does suck. Unfortunately I think that is just a teen for you. No excuse for your parents.
Aw, Dana, I'm sorry your Christmas was kind of empty and pointless. As others here have said, you have a year to try & plan things that will bring improvements over this next time. You also might want to show this to Cam sometime in the DISTANT future, like when he's settled with his own family, just as a matter of perspective. It's very important for young people to know that their parents are human beings also. The process can be long & painful...don't ask me how I know this.
I hope January brings you some good unexpected moments that partially make up for this holiday debacle.
You should have come over. Next time, I'm dragging you by the hair. You'd be BEYOND welcome.
The moral of this story is not to depend on the people who keep letting you down. And I think that you need to make your own Christmas spirit. Don't expect others to give the spirit to you. Sadly, I think we can find people who had a really rotten Christmas. While Cam and your Christmas was not where you wanted it to be. You both have your health and each other. I think you are blessed. Merry Christmas
I know exactly how you feel Dana.
I got nary a text message or phone call on Christmas...not from friends, not from family.
I stayed in my apartment all day...at least I had my dog, she loves me but, alas, doesn't realize Christmas should be different.
Baseball Mom, no excuse for a teen either. He was raised better :)
Volly, I'm sure the coming year will bring all kinds of goodness! And yes, I will plan for this next year!
Aunt Becky, by the hair?? Oh baby!
we're doomed, while I agree with your moral of the story, I'm not letting you get away with invalidating my pity party because there are children with no legs! I am very grateful for what Cam and I *did* have, but that doesn't mean there isn't disappointment for what we should have had - the love (and effort) of family. So there!! :)
soonerscotty, I think there are many of us out there, unfortunately ...
Have you tried individual counseling yet? sorry your Christmas was so depressing. Make plans now to change things next year. I refuse to spend another Christmas where I live. I am going home next year even if I have to go alone. My inlaws and thus my husband aren't really fun for Christmas and I miss my family
Donna beat me to it, But I too was gonna suggest some therapy. It's sad to see someone so sad and disconnected. You obviously have a gift with people ...hence your blog followers, you just have to work on rolling that out into real life. I hope you work on that in 2011 and next year you post about how much your life has changed for the better.
I was subjected to FB posts that looked like Cam's gf's list except the posts were written by people my age, not high school kids. It made me kinda irrationally angry that I didn't get a whole list of big ticket items, but I tried to focus on the few gifts I did get. That didn't really help but it abated the bitter for a few moments. :)
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