~*~*~
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning
and not be a child.
~ Erma Bombeck
Maybe that is where the sadness came from - memories of childhood Christmases that revolved around family and, at least for a few minutes on Christmas morning, knowing that people were thinking of me.
We all, at some level, want to be acknowledged and validated.
Last year was a difficult Christmas. The move out of husband's house was still raw and scary, but people opened their hearts and made it one of the most memorable Christmases for Cam and me.
This year? They were gone. I should be all settled now, right? Last Christmas may have been difficult, but someone else needs more attention than I do, right??
Yes, I did find find joy in giving. A few opportunities to pay it forward, trying to recreate that joy that I felt last year, for a few people who really needed it this year. I hope I was successful.
Cam had gifts under the tree and a stocking filled to the brim. He hadn't asked for much, instead wanting to spend money that would have been spent on him on others (primarily his girl friend).
I keep telling myself it shouldn't have bothered me that there was nothing under the tree for me. After all, Christmas is about giving, not receiving, right? I was able to provide for my son and share some joy with others. That should have been enough, right?
Yet waking up Christmas morning and facing the fact that there was nothing for me - that other things (people) were more important - hit hard. It made my heart heavy.
I snapped when we picked up Cam's girlfriend Christmas morning and she began reciting the long list of gifts she had received. UGG boots, a flat screen TV for her bedroom, $250 in gift cards. I was disappointed that I wasn't able to do that for Cam and angry that her "bragging" resulted in Cam trying to "justify" the few things he did get.
My snotty toned, "You know, Christmas isn't about all of the things you got" comment managed to quickly shut her up and simultaneously piss off Cam.
A phone call from my step-son Christmas Eve led me to believe that Cam and I would be making a visit to husband's house - spending time with family - something that really has far more value to me than any material gift possibly could.
A text message from husband Christmas morning took that gift away. He was irritated that plans hadn't been made far enough in advance and told the kids not to come for Christmas. There would be no opportunity to spend time with what little family I have here.
My father, who specifically asked what Cam wanted for Christmas, didn't come through with one of the few things that was on Cam's list. I knew I shouldn't have trusted him with something Cam actually asked for, but hoped beyond hope that he would come through for his grandson even though he never came through for me as a child. He didn't. I was silly to think he'd do things any differently than he has in the past.
There was an invitation for dinner from a dear friend, but I couldn't bring myself to go knowing that I would likely ruin a joyful day for others. I knew I wasn't in a place where I could fake being happy which meant going would have been extremely selfish. I stayed home.
I kept trying - really trying - to let go of the feeling of invisibility - of feeling like I just didn't matter to anyone - but the glaring reality was difficult to ignore, especially from my own family.
I take responsibility for most of this. I've built walls. I've kept people out so that they can't hurt me and instead I end up hurting myself. Somehow that is easier than letting other people do it.
I've got to figure out how to stop this. How to be a better judge of character, choosing relatively safe people to open up to. How to feel comfortable letting people in because keeping them out? That just invites misery and self-deprecation and honestly? I'm tired of feeling not good enough damn it!
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning
and not be a child.
~ Erma Bombeck
Maybe that is where the sadness came from - memories of childhood Christmases that revolved around family and, at least for a few minutes on Christmas morning, knowing that people were thinking of me.
We all, at some level, want to be acknowledged and validated.
Last year was a difficult Christmas. The move out of husband's house was still raw and scary, but people opened their hearts and made it one of the most memorable Christmases for Cam and me.
This year? They were gone. I should be all settled now, right? Last Christmas may have been difficult, but someone else needs more attention than I do, right??
Yes, I did find find joy in giving. A few opportunities to pay it forward, trying to recreate that joy that I felt last year, for a few people who really needed it this year. I hope I was successful.
Cam had gifts under the tree and a stocking filled to the brim. He hadn't asked for much, instead wanting to spend money that would have been spent on him on others (primarily his girl friend).
I keep telling myself it shouldn't have bothered me that there was nothing under the tree for me. After all, Christmas is about giving, not receiving, right? I was able to provide for my son and share some joy with others. That should have been enough, right?
Yet waking up Christmas morning and facing the fact that there was nothing for me - that other things (people) were more important - hit hard. It made my heart heavy.
I snapped when we picked up Cam's girlfriend Christmas morning and she began reciting the long list of gifts she had received. UGG boots, a flat screen TV for her bedroom, $250 in gift cards. I was disappointed that I wasn't able to do that for Cam and angry that her "bragging" resulted in Cam trying to "justify" the few things he did get.
My snotty toned, "You know, Christmas isn't about all of the things you got" comment managed to quickly shut her up and simultaneously piss off Cam.
A phone call from my step-son Christmas Eve led me to believe that Cam and I would be making a visit to husband's house - spending time with family - something that really has far more value to me than any material gift possibly could.
A text message from husband Christmas morning took that gift away. He was irritated that plans hadn't been made far enough in advance and told the kids not to come for Christmas. There would be no opportunity to spend time with what little family I have here.
My father, who specifically asked what Cam wanted for Christmas, didn't come through with one of the few things that was on Cam's list. I knew I shouldn't have trusted him with something Cam actually asked for, but hoped beyond hope that he would come through for his grandson even though he never came through for me as a child. He didn't. I was silly to think he'd do things any differently than he has in the past.
There was an invitation for dinner from a dear friend, but I couldn't bring myself to go knowing that I would likely ruin a joyful day for others. I knew I wasn't in a place where I could fake being happy which meant going would have been extremely selfish. I stayed home.
I kept trying - really trying - to let go of the feeling of invisibility - of feeling like I just didn't matter to anyone - but the glaring reality was difficult to ignore, especially from my own family.
I take responsibility for most of this. I've built walls. I've kept people out so that they can't hurt me and instead I end up hurting myself. Somehow that is easier than letting other people do it.
I've got to figure out how to stop this. How to be a better judge of character, choosing relatively safe people to open up to. How to feel comfortable letting people in because keeping them out? That just invites misery and self-deprecation and honestly? I'm tired of feeling not good enough damn it!
~*~*~
