I Can See Through You

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One of the things that I have always been proud of in writing this little blog of mine is my transparency. I use real names - I post true (yet often embarrassing and humiliating) stories of child rearing and life - I rant - I am opinionated - I piss people off - sometimes I make people cry.

And let's not forget the secrets. I share secrets that I hope other people can identify with - secrets that "prove" I am human - secrets that I am tired of carrying around. Secrets that, kept to myself, are little more than one more piece of me pretending to be something I'm not. I am no longer willing to live like that.

I've always been aware of my visibility on this blog. My visibility can, and does, make me vulnerable. It's a chance I'm willing to take to be "real" in a world that often isn't.

There are some of you out there who blog anonymously - who choose to use fictitious names - who give your kids cute little IDs like "Snowflake" and "Puppy Dog Tails". Some of you have a full page devoted to your "Cast of Characters" to help readers navigate your posts.

I understand why people choose that route. For some it is safe - the people you know in real life can't judge you if they don't really know who you are. For some there are professional concerns - public visibility requires that you keep your private life private. Some of you just have no balls. *shrugs* I respect your choice to remain anonymous and I try not to judge (too much). It's just not how I want to be.

Up until yesterday, I would have told you that I pride myself on hiding in plain sight (and yes, I did steal that from one of Jay's tweets over the weekend) ... that is until I was unexpectedly "called out" on my Sunday Secret via email. I'll be honest - I about shit my pants.

I considered pulling the post back into draft. I have other secrets just waiting in the wings. I knew most of you would never even know a switch had occurred ... but I would know.

I thought about back-tracking. I could make up a story - claim it was a misunderstanding or that it was taken out of context. I'd have probably been able to talk my way around it ... but I would know what I had done.

I even toyed with the idea of going private (not the first time I've considered that). After all, I'm quite experienced with the cut and run move - it's how I keep from getting hurt in personal relationships. Most of you would understand if I went private. Many of you have even suggested I go private. No one would care ... but I would care.

In the end, I decide to go with ... FUCK IT!

I did change the photo used in the secret as there was a slim possibility the text of the secret could be misinterpreted by someone familiar with the facility in the photo, causing my secret to have unintended, negative repercussions for an entire group of people, but the text of the secret remained (stubbornly) in place.

This blog is about me. It is the one place in my life where it is always about me, and I'll be damned if I am willing to give that up for anyone! It's my journey. It's where I am right now. That cannot be censored.

In the end, I spout off far too much about personal accountability and integrity to compromise my own. I won't do it, and I'm willing to "pay the price" for that decision.

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How Much is Too Much?

I was out and about yesterday, getting a little exercise, and came across quite a find - there, just off the edge of the sidewalk on main street, was $60 - three $20 bills. It seemed kind of ironic considering my Sunday Secret. Could this be some cosmic test of my personal integrity, good luck, or someone initiating their own random act of kindness?

I wasn't in the "business district" (those two blocks of main street that actually have businesses on them), nor was I close to any one's driveway or front walk. It seemed these three bills had fallen out of the sky and were just waiting for someone to pick them up, so I did.

Now, in my world $60 is a lot of money. It's a full tank of gas. It's 4 days of groceries for my family. It's a monthly rent payment on Cam's oboe. With the economy as it is, I think it's quite a bit of money for a lot of people. It's not a quarter, or even a five-dollar bill - it's $60!

When I got home, I told husband about my find and asked what he would do. He says anything under $1000 he'd just keep. He figures it is the world giving back to him for all of the money he's lost or wallets he's had stolen. My mind doesn't work that way. I know that if I don't do the "right" thing, the world is going to "take" from me, and it will likely be worth far more than the $60 I found.

So how much is too much to find and keep? What would you do? Keep the money without guilt? Go out and buy that pair of shoes you've been wanting? Fill your tank with gas for the week? File a report with the police? I probably should have just left it right there on the sidewalk and let someone else be the recipient of it's karmic woes, but since that opportunity already passed, I think I'll donate it to the local food bank instead. The karma fairies should find that acceptable, don't you think?

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