The World *Is* a Little Smaller

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I worry ... more than I should some times, and this little snippet of my life has been no exception. I've become quite skilled at, when facing stress, hyper focusing on the stressor, and going through the motions in the rest of my life. It's been two weeks since this all happened and I'm now trying to find a balance.

Cam's phone was returned the following day. Fortunately, with the exception of an unrelated little "issue", it appeared to be clean. Cam may have thought he was playing with the big dogs, but fortunately it seems he was looking for approval more than he was looking to become a career criminal.

I spoke with SGT Jones, albeit briefly, regarding my legal options to keep the 18 year old Things #2 and #3 away from Cam. I learned that there is little that can be done. Unless a minor is abused (sexually or physically) by an adult, the courts will not issue a protective order. My only recourse is to keep a close eye on the situation and attempt to "catch" Things #2 and #3 in some sort of illegal activity. Frustrating to say the least, especially since if I ever find them anywhere near Cam again, it will likely be me that winds up in the middle of illegal activity - assault.

My challenge is to keep an eye on Cam while allowing some bit of freedom. As I mentioned earlier, I downloaded the Chaperone/Child software available through my cell phone carrier. I was able to set child zones - 1/4 mile radius areas where Cam should be (home, school, etc.) as well as areas he shouldn't be (Things #2 and #3's neighborhoods). I receive an alert - via text message and email - any time Cam enters or leaves one of those zones. I can also locate him at any given time via the GPS tracking.

I went through Cam's contacts on his phone. I asked him about each person - dialed each number to verify what he told me - and set password protected controls on his phone that allow him to make and receive calls to and from people on his contact list only. I downloaded the contact manager on his phone so that I can access his contact list from any computer, insuring he has not made changes. I also check his phone and text activity EVERY day and randomly ask him for his phone to view text content as well as to view any pictures he may have sent or received.

I spoke with the principal at the middle school. Heading the PTO may be a serious pain in my ass bring challenges at times, but being active in the middle school has allowed me to develop an excellent relationship with the principal. I gave him the details of what had been going on. The principal has been at the middle school for 17 years - he was quite familiar with Thing #2 and shared some additional insight (it wasn't good).

I checked Cam's schedule to see if he was sharing any classes with Thing #1 (13 year old) - he was not. I had the principal move Cam's locker to the other side of the building, minimizing any potential contact. I told the principal that Cam was NEVER to walk home from school - bus only - and he was to get off only at his stop. The principal has been extremely helpful in all of this.

I'd love to tell you all that this is behind us - that it was nothing more than a little blip in the radar - and maybe some day that will be the case, but it isn't yet. Cam started back to school last week which has been extremely helpful. Between school, football, and church activities, he is busy with "good" stuff. I am approaching this from a different direction than I've traveled in the past. I am not taking away the good stuff, but rather am encouraging the good stuff - filling all of his spare time with good stuff - no matter what the cost (time or money) is to me - as long as he participates fully in the activity. My hope is, that over time, he'll start feeling better about himself and will prefer that positive attention over the negative attention.

Yes, I know ... parenting should have been this way from the start. It wasn't. Once Cam hit middle school I made the assumption that he would do the "right" things, after all, that's what he had been taught. I didn't pay as much attention as I should have - I was too wrapped up in my own wants, needs and dramas. That was a luxury I was taking that I did not deserve. Cam is one of those kids who will always push boundaries - always use his keen sense of logical argument to attempt to justify his actions - both to himself and to me. I must always be alert and aware. It's tiring, but necessary.

I do think Cam and I have a better relationship now. He has seen me make mistakes (big ones) and be publicly accountable for them. Most days, he doesn't like me or the limits I've placed on him. This isn't a popularity contest and I am not bothered by being called "stalker mom," in fact I think it's quite flattering. I continue to remind him that when he shows a history of being responsible within the new limits (months, not days) I will expand them - a bit.

We've been through a lot over the course of the last two weeks. I'll be honest - I am emotionally and physically drained. I know I need to take care of myself but it's just going to have to wait. I'm not exercising, I'm not eating well, and I sleep like I did when Cam was a newborn. I'm not complaining - this is the price for the decisions I made previously - the price to Cam could have been far greater.

Why the picture of Alastor "Mad Eye" Moody (any Harry Potter fans out there)? A year or so ago, a friend of mine who knows both Cam and I quite well, told me that I reminded her of "Mad Eye." At the time, I thought she was nuts, but I now realize just how keen her insight was.

CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

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Sticks and Stones

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We all know the children's rhyme ... "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." I've got news for you - that's a crock of shit. In fact, I would argue that broken bones heal quicker and more completely than broken souls, and words break souls.

No, there isn't any specific thing that happened on this blog that inspired this post. Sure, I've been on the receiving end of some nasty, spiteful and intentionally hurtful comments in the past, but so have many bloggers who put themselves out there on a daily basis.

One of those bloggers - Crystal, from Boobs, Injuries & Dr. Pepper- recently wrote a post titled No, I Don't Have Too. It's definitely worth a read, and worth personal reflection. In it she writes:

I have been advised that since I put my life out there for people to gawk at I need to grow a thicker skin. I disagree; I think if you're going to come here and gawk at my life, you need to grow a fucking conscience, a spine and the ability to walk a mile in my shoes.

How many times have I heard those very words? How many times have I been told that I need to ignore those who don't play nice? How many times have my readers attempted to stand up for me when one of those bullies comes into my "home"? And how many times have I lashed out with similarly hurtful words?

Is it possible to misread something? To have it so colored by our own life experiences that we take it completely wrong? Yes, but those instances can usually be dealt with in an adult manner with a little clarification and communication. I'm not talking about those reactions, but rather the ones that are motivated by nothing more than hypocrisy, ignorance and hate. There are far too many of those out there.

*EDIT* Let me be clear, I'm not referring to comments or blog posts with differing opinions on current events or things of that nature, I'm talking about words that are intended to hurt, embarrass or humiliate the blogger or the commenter. Differing opinions, stated well, open dialog and help us to see things through a different perspective. Vile and demeaning posts and comments are motivated by something that is in no way productive and can often be damaging.

I know I have made "hurtful" comments on blogs Whether or not that was my intent, it was the result, and I must own that. If I don't, I become part of the problem rather than part of the solution.

Yes, we all have that wonderful right of free speech, but that right comes with a responsibility - a HUGE responsibility that sometimes seems to be overlooked.

Our words have the ability to make someone smile - to make their day better - but they have equal power to send someone over the edge, and as much as we might want to hold that person responsible for their reaction, the responsibility is really our own.

Words can (and do) hurt. Words are powerful. As bloggers and commentors, I believe we have a responsibility for what we put out here.

How responsible are you?

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A Mother's Day Wish

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This Mother's Day, I'd like to give every mom the gift of less judgment - of themselves and of other mothers.

Many of us set some unrealistic bar in mothering perfection. There are no fights between siblings because we are "good" parents and we teach our children to resolve conflict peacefully and love their brothers and sisters. Our kids remain injury free because we buy them crawling knee pads, watch them every second as they begin to walk and continue chaperoning their field trips through middle school. We protect our kids from bullies, heartache, disappointment and punishment, and we start judging other mother's the moment we hear they did something that could be considered the least bit dangerous.

We allow fear to brainwash us. We worry that everything we do as a mother may be putting our kids in danger - that they will hate us later in life because of what we did - or didn't do. If we thought it would help, we'd wrap them in bubble wrap and secure with duct tape.

The problem is that we are not only doing ourselves a disservice when we are so self-critical, but we are doing our kids a disservice as well. Every time we rescue or protect our kids from natural consequences, we are telling them (through our actions) that we believe they are not capable and competent. We are actually holding them back from developing into smart, happy, responsible adults.

Stop. Take a deep breath. Teach them basic safety, then give them some freedom - freedom to develop logical reasoning and coping skills. Statistically, the crime rate today is equal to what it was back in 1970 and crimes against children have actually decreased (although you'd never believe that based on media reports). Let them feel the pain, disappointment and consequences of their decisions, and know in your heart that this is the BEST thing you can do for them as a mother. And quit being so hard on yourselves ... and other mothers.

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Personal Responsibility

Man must cease attributing his problems to his environment, and learn again to exercise his will - his personal responsibility.

~ Albert Schweitzer

I have been spending much of my unemployed free time exploring politics in general. I am frustrated with the common assumption that there are only two viable political parties and that we must select one or the other. I am frustrated with the Electoral College and the overwhelming knowledge that the popular vote no longer matters. I am frustrated that our country seems to be voting against candidates and ideas rather than voting for candidates and ideas. More than anything else, I am frustrated with this prevailing thought that we need more government - more social programs - to take care of our citizens.

It seems that in this overly politically correct society we have fostered, no one is willing to step up to the plate and say, "Take care of yourself!" We cannot do that because:

(1) It is not their fault
(2) They can't do it on their own, and
(3) They are repressed because they are [fill in the blank with anything other than white male]

Bullshit!

What we need (in my oh-so-humble opinion) is LESS government. We need to allow people to fail, and to take personal responsibility for their failures. We need to concentrate on not only perceived, and real, constitutional rights, but the responsibilities we all have to uphold those rights, and we need to do that as individuals rather than relying on our government to do it for us.

When we endorse a bigger government - more social programs - we are giving all of our power to just a few people. We are in essence saying, "We cannot take care of ourselves." In fact, I take this concept even a bit further and say that when we start making excuses for people based on race, education - you name it - we are actually holding them back from succeeding. We are telling them they do not need to improve, they do not need to work harder, they do not need to better themselves, because it's not their fault.

Somehow, I do not think these are the ethics and ideals our founding fathers envisioned.