~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
We all know the children's rhyme ... "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." I've got news for you - that's a crock of shit. In fact, I would argue that broken bones heal quicker and more completely than broken souls, and words break souls.
No, there isn't any specific thing that happened on this blog that inspired this post. Sure, I've been on the receiving end of some nasty, spiteful and intentionally hurtful comments in the past, but so have many bloggers who put themselves out there on a daily basis.
One of those bloggers - Crystal, from Boobs, Injuries & Dr. Pepper- recently wrote a post titled No, I Don't Have Too. It's definitely worth a read, and worth personal reflection. In it she writes:
How many times have I heard those very words? How many times have I been told that I need to ignore those who don't play nice? How many times have my readers attempted to stand up for me when one of those bullies comes into my "home"? And how many times have I lashed out with similarly hurtful words?
Is it possible to misread something? To have it so colored by our own life experiences that we take it completely wrong? Yes, but those instances can usually be dealt with in an adult manner with a little clarification and communication. I'm not talking about those reactions, but rather the ones that are motivated by nothing more than hypocrisy, ignorance and hate. There are far too many of those out there.
*EDIT* Let me be clear, I'm not referring to comments or blog posts with differing opinions on current events or things of that nature, I'm talking about words that are intended to hurt, embarrass or humiliate the blogger or the commenter. Differing opinions, stated well, open dialog and help us to see things through a different perspective. Vile and demeaning posts and comments are motivated by something that is in no way productive and can often be damaging.
I know I have made "hurtful" comments on blogs Whether or not that was my intent, it was the result, and I must own that. If I don't, I become part of the problem rather than part of the solution.
Yes, we all have that wonderful right of free speech, but that right comes with a responsibility - a HUGE responsibility that sometimes seems to be overlooked.
Our words have the ability to make someone smile - to make their day better - but they have equal power to send someone over the edge, and as much as we might want to hold that person responsible for their reaction, the responsibility is really our own.
Words can (and do) hurt. Words are powerful. As bloggers and commentors, I believe we have a responsibility for what we put out here.
How responsible are you?
We all know the children's rhyme ... "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." I've got news for you - that's a crock of shit. In fact, I would argue that broken bones heal quicker and more completely than broken souls, and words break souls.No, there isn't any specific thing that happened on this blog that inspired this post. Sure, I've been on the receiving end of some nasty, spiteful and intentionally hurtful comments in the past, but so have many bloggers who put themselves out there on a daily basis.
One of those bloggers - Crystal, from Boobs, Injuries & Dr. Pepper- recently wrote a post titled No, I Don't Have Too. It's definitely worth a read, and worth personal reflection. In it she writes:
I have been advised that since I put my life out there for people to gawk at I need to grow a thicker skin. I disagree; I think if you're going to come here and gawk at my life, you need to grow a fucking conscience, a spine and the ability to walk a mile in my shoes.
How many times have I heard those very words? How many times have I been told that I need to ignore those who don't play nice? How many times have my readers attempted to stand up for me when one of those bullies comes into my "home"? And how many times have I lashed out with similarly hurtful words?
Is it possible to misread something? To have it so colored by our own life experiences that we take it completely wrong? Yes, but those instances can usually be dealt with in an adult manner with a little clarification and communication. I'm not talking about those reactions, but rather the ones that are motivated by nothing more than hypocrisy, ignorance and hate. There are far too many of those out there.
*EDIT* Let me be clear, I'm not referring to comments or blog posts with differing opinions on current events or things of that nature, I'm talking about words that are intended to hurt, embarrass or humiliate the blogger or the commenter. Differing opinions, stated well, open dialog and help us to see things through a different perspective. Vile and demeaning posts and comments are motivated by something that is in no way productive and can often be damaging.
I know I have made "hurtful" comments on blogs Whether or not that was my intent, it was the result, and I must own that. If I don't, I become part of the problem rather than part of the solution.
Yes, we all have that wonderful right of free speech, but that right comes with a responsibility - a HUGE responsibility that sometimes seems to be overlooked.
Our words have the ability to make someone smile - to make their day better - but they have equal power to send someone over the edge, and as much as we might want to hold that person responsible for their reaction, the responsibility is really our own.
Words can (and do) hurt. Words are powerful. As bloggers and commentors, I believe we have a responsibility for what we put out here.
How responsible are you?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
30 comments:
Hmmmm....I don't try to be hurtful in my comments, but I also don't want to be super sugary either. I always like comments that can spur thought or conversation rather than the ones which just kiss the blogger's butt.
Yet, I agree being mean is just wrong.
Occasionally, someone will anger you with their words. It is always your choice to fight or flee- or ignore them..
Karen, I should have made a better distinction between sugarcoating and stating an opinion. I am grateful for the varying opinions I get on some of my posts. They make me think and allow me to see things from a different perspective. That is quite different that being spiteful and mean because you can. Attacking the idea, not the person, is an art.
buffalodick, you are absolutely right, we always have choices over how we react. That being said, my personal goal is to never put someone else in a position where they feel they have to fight or flee. It's one thing to disagree, but when one adds in a dose of malice (which I've seen a lot of lately - not here, but on other blogs) it's an entirely different beast.
the responsibility is really our own
It's been awhile since I've stopped in and I think I came exactly at the right time. I just recently left one of those angry comments, not at a blogger but to a group of people in general that I don't even know. I guess it felt good typing it but the feeling good part has worn off and I wonder why I didn't just ...let it go.
I'm just glad that I am never abusive or sarcastic.
Seriously...I understand what you are saying, but while I am one who doesn't maliciously attack others (for the most part) or one who doesn't mix contoversial ingredients (I think that's the funniest line you have ever written) I do enjoy getting people to feel unconfortable at times.
And I enjoy being put on the spot myself, because it's like exercise for my mind...
But I don't try to make people feel unconfortable in a Sadistic sense, but to find out why they may feel uncomfortable about a comment that I have made.
After all, if two people agree on everything, one of them is unneccesary. Cheers!!
Micky-T, I would be lying if I said I don't struggle with this - a lot. There were times when I found myself leaving snarky comments to prove ... well, I'm not sure what. It's so easy to slide into that place that gives immediate gratification, but feels kind of crappy in the long run.
And Micky, it's good to see you back!
Matt-Man, you my dear are a genius, therefor the exception *wink* I'm still wondering why, if one doesn't like a recipe, they keep opening the cookbook to the same page!
I digress ... you and Jay keep me on my toes with your pushing of my comfort level and opinions and, although I find it frustrating and exhausting at times, I really do appreciate it. Quite the different beast!
People who talk about their private or personal life on blogs are always going to have people who get personal in their comments. That doesn't mean they have to just accept it or even expect rudeness and shit like that.
If you're reading a blog and you get frustrated with that person cause you think they're being whiny, arrogant, hypocritical or anything else, just move on to other blogs. If it's someone you really "know" (not that we all really know each other here in the bloggerhood) then maybe you can address these things through email. But, to take personal shots at people in comments is uncalled for.
Have I gotten personal, sure...have I ever been mean just to be mean...I don't think so.
I enjoy a counter-point argument as much as anyone...and that is acceptable
I love your comment above, 'if you don't like the recipe, why open the cookbook to the same page'.
Well, on this internet thingamajig, there is a section of people whose only purpose is to make rude remarks...whether it be here on blogs, or in chat rooms, that is their lot in life and if there is karma, they will come back in a next life as a slug.
I keep opening the cook book hoping to get a different page but I am finding all the pages are the same.....
Jay, I agree with everything you said, including the difference between addressing someone we *know* rather than someone we just look at through the window. I've found email to be my "snarky" friend. Kind of interesting to see how a private conversation often gets a different response than a public one.
Bond, unfortunately, I know you are right - there are people who find great joy in creating chaos, angst and turbulence. I still shake my head every time I see it though.
doggybloggy, maybe it's time to switch from Betty Crocker to Emeril Lagasse ... BAMMMM!
okay betty - that might work lets see
Oooooooo...I am an exception. I think it moved. Purrrrr, and Yummmmm. ; )~ Cheers!!
I've heard a quote that states:
"Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can break my heart"
Those words are so true.
Now if there were only some way that people like us who wrote about what we think and feel, and people who are so quick to jump to conclusions and judge us by our words, and not by our deeds and actions could make some kind of compromise..
I think we'd have a pretty dull read of it.. Don't you? *wink*
Great post Dana.
...seems to me that if you would't say it a person's face then you have no business saying it in print...words are not just pretty things;they are perhaps the most powerful tool we have...
I think there can be a fine line bwtn being honest in your (the general sense) comments/posts and being hurtful, And, sometimes being honest IS hurtful.
What you reposted here:
"I have been advised that since I put my life out there for people to gawk at I need to grow a thicker skin. I disagree; I think if you're going to come here and gawk at my life, you need to grow a fucking conscience, a spine and the ability to walk a mile in my shoes."
Is EXCELLENT. I couldn't agree more.
I DO try to be conscious of what I'm writing, how it comes across, who it may effect. In both my comments and posts. And when it comes to leaving comments, more often then not, if I don't like what an author has said in a post, I just don't comment and leave. Unless I feel my comment might be helpful.
IDK. Good, thought provoking post though Dana.
I tell it like it is...and I don't leave mean comments. If a blogger disses me, I just don't visit that blogger again.
Regarding Micky-T and what you said back to him. I've def been known to write out snarky comments....or write them in my head. And then delete them before hitting post. ;) Sometimes I feel better just having written it (even though it is deleted, lol)
...and to prove my point, you can see how powerful it was that I left ou an "n" and an entire two letter word in my pevious comment, and it ruined the whole thing. Ha!...
..."t"...
Jormengrund, I think the trick always goes back to attacking the idea rather than the person. It's one thing to say, "You deserve to be miserable because you are a loser" and another to say, "Have you considered that maybe you are getting back what you are giving?"
Phfrankie Bondo, I try to live by this as well as the anonymity of the internet can be a fickle bitch.
Vixen, oh, I do to! As I said earlier, responding thoughtfully - honestly - yet without snark amd pettiness is an art form. One that I am not nearly as good at as I'd like to be!
So, it's rare that I leave anything nasty on a blog, because I firmly believe that you reap just what you sow. It's a personal thing, though.
I do not believe that we, as bloggers, have any right to EXPECT that everyone on The Internet will love us and accept us.
Nolens Volens, I find that the best way for me to address my inability to be "nice" is stay away - nastiness is highly over-rated.
Aunt Becky, everyone love and accept me? Ha! Most people don't even like me *wink* I EXPECT that bloggers/commentors treat me with the same level of respect and dignity that I offer them, and I don't think that is too much to expect.
First of all, your ability to write amazes me. You should write articles for a newspaper or a magazine, or an on-line venue of some type. You are amazing.
Now, I have thought about this for years and I have tried to control it, but sometimes I'm pretty sure I read things completely the wrong way. Whether it's comments on my blog (or lack thereof) or someones comments regarding MY comments, I still tend to either get hurt or angry. Sometimes I lash out, but then I feel bad later.
I would NEVER leave mean comments on someone else's blog. It's just not in me to do that. If anything at all, I try my best to make people feel good.
Excellent post.
I think the situation in Crystal's case is even worse than what the discussions are here are implying. Her SITE has been the topic of other blogger's sites and posts, all quite mean spirited (well, not like this particular post, which is also referring to her site). I checked some of her links and was horrified by the various things that those women said!
What's sad is the sniper mentality with many commenters. Never been there before, see something they don't like, belittle the person, then (hopefully) go away. They don't bother to know anything about the person they're reading.
Bina, I do write for an online venue ... my blog *BIG GRIN*
What has helped me (when I think long enough to use it) is to ask questions when I feel personally attacked. Some times I'll do that in the comment section and some times I'll do that via email. The trick is reminding myself to stop and think before typing.
Osbasso, Crystal's case *is* much worse, and I hoped that people would read what she has been going through. And for the record (because I *know* it's a pet peeve of yours) I asked Crystal for permission before using bits of her post and linking her from my site. I even let her know when the post went up so that she could be prepared should things get weird.
My experience has been that the "sniper mentality" seems to be far more common with female commenters/bloggers than with male commenters/bloggers, and, unfortunately, that doesn't surprise me.
Being nice and respectful in commenting on someone's blog should be the standard operating procedure. I have read blogs where the blogger is so far out of the ballpark on their comments that there is no reason or nice way to comment on what they have wrote. So I don't comment at all. I just move on. A good debate is a whole different story. Some of the personal attacks I have read on blogs have been unwarranted. Can't we all get along?
I'm sure, by my many comments on your blog, you realize that I am a person who believes in what I think, and in my many years of sales and trainings, I'm pretty good at debate.. I found by training how to win the debate, but I found my "on the job" training in sales(30+yrs.) being right doesn't endear you to people who have lost.. It's what I call the difference between being right, and being "dead" right... Win the battle, but lose the war- so to speak..
I don't cut the crap, until someone says to, and then I do!
I completely agree. It makes it harder on the internet with blogging and IM or even texting because you can't hear how the person says it so you put your own way of how it sounds into a statement. I say just being careful on how you word things and make sure to talk to him or even ask questions if you are upset by something that is said.
Words cut deeper absolutely and scar far worse.
one of my own little mantras is:
I try to be a good person.
I may not always be a nice person.
But I try to always be a good person.
I do not go out of my way to hurt others....and there are times when I have to go back and apologize...but I don't think "nice" is used in conjunction with me.
Post a Comment