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I debated on whether or not to participate in TMI Tuesday this week. It was a moment of integrity, personal responsibility and accountability. Yeah ... I know ... it's only a blog post for goodness sakes, but ...
My answers are not at all flattering. They paint quite a vivid picture of a side of me that carries enormous shame. One of those situations where I can feel bad about myself, justify my self-loathing based on my actions, then continue the actions so that I can continue to feel bad about myself. And around and around we go.
It's likely none of these answers will surprise many of you, and most of you won't even judge me in a negative way, but just know that it was difficult to put it out here.
1. What is the longest you have been in a monogamous sexual relationship?
I don't know exactly, but I'd say right around two years. If any of you are doing the math, it will become quite clear why this series of questions was difficult for me to answer honestly.
2. If your current relationship would fail, do you have a back-up for physical or emotional comfort?
I remember those days of a back-up - I think that's something geared more towards the younger, dating crowd. Once you have a family and obligations to others, it's difficult to give your primary relationship the time it needs, let alone attempt to develop a back-up.
No, I do not have a physical back-up should my relationship fail, but I'd have to say I do have an emotional back-up ... sort of ... but it's not dependent on my primary relationship failing.
3. Can you be "just friends" with someone when there is an unrequited sexual attraction?
Can I personally, or can people generally? I can if there is reason to keep it "just friends" (i.e. one or both of us are in a committed relationship, there is a conflict with a work relationship, etc.) but I think it's something that requires a great deal of discipline and maturity. That sexual impulse can be quite strong.
4. In a assumed monogamous sexual relationship have you ever cheated, been cheated upon or been a knowing third party to the infidelity?
Yes, yes and yes ... and that's all I'm saying about that.
5. Historically, what has caused the most arguments in your relationships?
It's nearly impossible for me to limit this answer to a single thing. BC (before Cam) it was most frequently money/financial priorities. AC (after Cam, in case you needed a little nudge) it has been parenting AND money/financial priorities.
Bonus (as in optional):What do you want from a partner in a long term relationship?
Really? You want me to answer this? I can tell you what I think I want, but it's so entirely foreign to me that I don't know if it's reasonable or some ridiculous ideal.
I want to be able to be honest - I'm tired of hiding things.
I want physical and emotional intimacy.
I want someone who appreciates who I am - what I can offer - and who believes I only need change if I feel I need change.
I want someone who doesn't just accept Cam as part of the package, but who wants to develop a healthy and supportive relationship with him.
I want ... I want ...
More than anything, I want unconditional love, for me and for Cam. I want to know that I can tell my partner what's on my mind and not fear emotional or physical retaliation. I want to know that disciplining Cam is done out of love and not out of anger. I want Cam to feel safe. I want to feel safe.
And clearly, I don't want it bad enough ...
My answers are not at all flattering. They paint quite a vivid picture of a side of me that carries enormous shame. One of those situations where I can feel bad about myself, justify my self-loathing based on my actions, then continue the actions so that I can continue to feel bad about myself. And around and around we go.
It's likely none of these answers will surprise many of you, and most of you won't even judge me in a negative way, but just know that it was difficult to put it out here.
1. What is the longest you have been in a monogamous sexual relationship?
I don't know exactly, but I'd say right around two years. If any of you are doing the math, it will become quite clear why this series of questions was difficult for me to answer honestly.
2. If your current relationship would fail, do you have a back-up for physical or emotional comfort?
I remember those days of a back-up - I think that's something geared more towards the younger, dating crowd. Once you have a family and obligations to others, it's difficult to give your primary relationship the time it needs, let alone attempt to develop a back-up.
No, I do not have a physical back-up should my relationship fail, but I'd have to say I do have an emotional back-up ... sort of ... but it's not dependent on my primary relationship failing.
3. Can you be "just friends" with someone when there is an unrequited sexual attraction?
Can I personally, or can people generally? I can if there is reason to keep it "just friends" (i.e. one or both of us are in a committed relationship, there is a conflict with a work relationship, etc.) but I think it's something that requires a great deal of discipline and maturity. That sexual impulse can be quite strong.
4. In a assumed monogamous sexual relationship have you ever cheated, been cheated upon or been a knowing third party to the infidelity?
Yes, yes and yes ... and that's all I'm saying about that.
5. Historically, what has caused the most arguments in your relationships?
It's nearly impossible for me to limit this answer to a single thing. BC (before Cam) it was most frequently money/financial priorities. AC (after Cam, in case you needed a little nudge) it has been parenting AND money/financial priorities.
Bonus (as in optional):What do you want from a partner in a long term relationship?
Really? You want me to answer this? I can tell you what I think I want, but it's so entirely foreign to me that I don't know if it's reasonable or some ridiculous ideal.
I want to be able to be honest - I'm tired of hiding things.
I want physical and emotional intimacy.
I want someone who appreciates who I am - what I can offer - and who believes I only need change if I feel I need change.
I want someone who doesn't just accept Cam as part of the package, but who wants to develop a healthy and supportive relationship with him.
I want ... I want ...
More than anything, I want unconditional love, for me and for Cam. I want to know that I can tell my partner what's on my mind and not fear emotional or physical retaliation. I want to know that disciplining Cam is done out of love and not out of anger. I want Cam to feel safe. I want to feel safe.
And clearly, I don't want it bad enough ...
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