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Have I mentioned lately that there are times when I'd like to allow someone else to raise my son? OK ... that's not entirely true, but I am really, really (did I mention REALLY) struggling with Cam right now.
Much of what is going on is the result of a kid being just a little different, of middle schoolers being extremely "mean" and adults forgetting to act like adults.
I think many (most?) of us have been through this at some point in our life. We feel like we don't fit in - like EVERYONE else in the world is part of a group that we just can't seem to get in to no matter how hard we try. We are always on the outside looking in. But watching Cam go through this has been laying heavy on my heart. I want to fix it, or at least the parts of it that are a result of my actions, but I can't seem to lessen his pain.
Part of Cam's struggle is environmental. I should have listened to the little voice in my head that said, "Moving your bi-racial son to a small farming town of ultra-conservative white folks might not be a good idea." Before moving here, when I made my list of pros and cons, the pros overwhelmed the cons. Unfortunately, that was because I believed that Cam's skin color really wouldn't matter - that we were moving to an neighborhood of well-educated, socially responsible people who wouldn't possibly get caught up in such simple judgment. Ummm ... let's just say I underestimated the power of ignorance.
The other side of this is that Cam sometimes contributes to reinforcing these archaic ideas of our community. His style of dress, his love of all that is "blingy" and preference of hip-hop music get him stereotyped quickly ... and not in a good way.
I've talked to him about this again and again - stressing to him that although his actions, not his appearance, are what people should judge him by (and what we, as a family, base our perceptions on) , that is not always the case when dealing with other people. No, I don't buy him all-out gangster/ghetto clothing, but if it's not Abercrombie & Fitch, or John Deere, it doesn't go over very well in this community ... and Cam is definitely NOT Abercrombie & Fitch, or John Deere.
I've allowed Cam to dress as he likes (within my guidelines) but have also reminded him that there is a cost associated with his style preference and, like it or not, the only way to change other's perception of us is often to change the way we present ourselves. He has dug in his heels (where-oh-where does he get that stubborn streak?) and I am watching him pay that price.
He is being ostracized from the "cool" kids (i.e. every kid, except him) - he's never been invited to a party (birthday or otherwise) in the three years we've lived here - he cannot seem to find a place where he "fits" ... or is allowed to "fit."
This summer, I've seen that need to belong, that need to be relational, that need to be accepted and loved (by someone other than me) manifest itself into some really poor decision making. Decision making that has the potential to negatively impact his life for a VERY long time (and don't even ask because I will not get in to specifics). There have been repercussions and consequences at home, but even those seem to be a price he's willing to pay (and they have been quite high) to just have a friend - any friend.
I am at a loss. I know part of this is the growing/maturing process, but at 13 I cannot - will not - take a hard-lined, tough love stand. I am finding it difficult to find a balance here, yet the tighter I reign him in, the more outlandish his behavior becomes. I am hoping that we can just get through these next few weeks before school starts (part of this is an "Idle hands are the devil's workshop" summer break issue) without him landing in Brat Camp ... or worse ...
Have I mentioned lately that there are times when I'd like to allow someone else to raise my son? OK ... that's not entirely true, but I am really, really (did I mention REALLY) struggling with Cam right now.Much of what is going on is the result of a kid being just a little different, of middle schoolers being extremely "mean" and adults forgetting to act like adults.
I think many (most?) of us have been through this at some point in our life. We feel like we don't fit in - like EVERYONE else in the world is part of a group that we just can't seem to get in to no matter how hard we try. We are always on the outside looking in. But watching Cam go through this has been laying heavy on my heart. I want to fix it, or at least the parts of it that are a result of my actions, but I can't seem to lessen his pain.
Part of Cam's struggle is environmental. I should have listened to the little voice in my head that said, "Moving your bi-racial son to a small farming town of ultra-conservative white folks might not be a good idea." Before moving here, when I made my list of pros and cons, the pros overwhelmed the cons. Unfortunately, that was because I believed that Cam's skin color really wouldn't matter - that we were moving to an neighborhood of well-educated, socially responsible people who wouldn't possibly get caught up in such simple judgment. Ummm ... let's just say I underestimated the power of ignorance.
The other side of this is that Cam sometimes contributes to reinforcing these archaic ideas of our community. His style of dress, his love of all that is "blingy" and preference of hip-hop music get him stereotyped quickly ... and not in a good way.
I've talked to him about this again and again - stressing to him that although his actions, not his appearance, are what people should judge him by (and what we, as a family, base our perceptions on) , that is not always the case when dealing with other people. No, I don't buy him all-out gangster/ghetto clothing, but if it's not Abercrombie & Fitch, or John Deere, it doesn't go over very well in this community ... and Cam is definitely NOT Abercrombie & Fitch, or John Deere.
I've allowed Cam to dress as he likes (within my guidelines) but have also reminded him that there is a cost associated with his style preference and, like it or not, the only way to change other's perception of us is often to change the way we present ourselves. He has dug in his heels (where-oh-where does he get that stubborn streak?) and I am watching him pay that price.
He is being ostracized from the "cool" kids (i.e. every kid, except him) - he's never been invited to a party (birthday or otherwise) in the three years we've lived here - he cannot seem to find a place where he "fits" ... or is allowed to "fit."
This summer, I've seen that need to belong, that need to be relational, that need to be accepted and loved (by someone other than me) manifest itself into some really poor decision making. Decision making that has the potential to negatively impact his life for a VERY long time (and don't even ask because I will not get in to specifics). There have been repercussions and consequences at home, but even those seem to be a price he's willing to pay (and they have been quite high) to just have a friend - any friend.
I am at a loss. I know part of this is the growing/maturing process, but at 13 I cannot - will not - take a hard-lined, tough love stand. I am finding it difficult to find a balance here, yet the tighter I reign him in, the more outlandish his behavior becomes. I am hoping that we can just get through these next few weeks before school starts (part of this is an "Idle hands are the devil's workshop" summer break issue) without him landing in Brat Camp ... or worse ...
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22 comments:
Oh boy. I really feel for Cam, but even more for you. I cannot imagine watching your child struggle in that way. But I don't think you should blame yourself. I live in on of the most accepting places on Earth. My town has been featured on 20/20 and Datelien for being so accepting to inter-racial and same-sex families. Yet, still, I have friends with bi-racial kids who struggle to fit in. I am not saying that isn't harder when you live in a total homogenious community, but I think the stuggle is somewhat natural would happen despite your locale.
I wouldn't go through high school again for a million dollars. Here's hoping Cam (and you) gets a reprieve this year and finds some new friends.
I have long learned that life is the harshest teacher of all.
These seem to be the tough years for kids. My Daughter seems to be flying right now that she has gotten out of Middle School. It seems that Middle School is where are the kids are the meanest and the most critical.
Cam will straighten out or die. Just keep reminding him that. Let him know you care and that you love him but ultimately the decisions will be his. And when these poor choices end up biting him in the ass, just remind him that the choices he has made has led him here...
Hopefully you know me well enough by now to know that I very, VERY rarely say "I know how you feel", but as a mother with four bi-racial children, believe me, I KNOW how you feel! When I lived in the country, where there was ONE highschool for the WHOLE county, my two boys were the ONLY bi-racial kids there. Heck, there weren't even any black kids in the school. Just white and my two 1/2 white and 1/2 asian kids. They had a very hard time at first, but I must admit that over-all, most people were pretty accepting. There were some kids who totally racest and even told my oldest son that "there used to signs threatening to hang your kind at the county borders". Yea, Brice met him after school and beat the ever loving crap out of him, but no one messed with him after that.
Dana, it's very hard. VERY hard! You aren't asking for answers and I have none. My oldest son finally went and lived with his dad because of his constant need to "prove" something at that school.
My two girls though are doing fine. I moved to the "city" and Ft. Campbell is right here, and you know as well as anyone that there is the biggest mix of race in an Army town so there are no problems.
I'm sorry he has to go through this though. I always try to put myself in other people place. If I were the ONLY white person around (which I have been, in Hawaii, at my OWN wedding on Kauai) how would I feel? It's not comforting, I can tell you that.
I can completely sympathise with you. All I can say is be there for him, no matter what he says or does. Sometimes getting too tough will push them further away. The Husband thought he'd be able to do that with our little darling, needless to say, the further he pushed the further she ran.
Do know that everyone who stops by here will be thinking/praying of and for you.
Hugs, Em. xx
My heart is heavy and sad for you all. I wish I had any sage advice for you or for Cam. I know Daver went through the same thing when he was younger and it was awful for him.
Sad to know that goes on, even today. I have two adopted cousins who are black (one's black/Korean--double whammy!). Any time they came to visit us, here in the whitest state in the union, they were always popular BECAUSE of their difference.
Hope he finds a good niche.
Karen, I certainly went through similar struggles at his age, although for different reasons. At 13, I was 6' tall and 200 lbs - not your "typical" teen girl. Fortunately, I was able to find my place (band geek worked well for me). Would I weigh the diversity of a city/town differently after having made the decision to move here? Yes - I was quite naive.
Real Live Lesbian, me either, and me too!
Joker_SATX, I've always believed that middle school is far more about finding our place socially than it is about an education. Cam does need to accept that he contributes to some of his own problems, and I frequently remind him.
I'm not sure I can really add to this conversation. I have no good advice for you here. I know it's a tough situation for both you and Cam. Hopefully it will get better though at the kids grow up.
Bina, I will say that Cam is not the first child to go through this, I just hope he manages to do it relatively unscathed. And yes, it is hard.
Emerald Yomi, finding that balance between personal accountability and empathy is a tough one!
Aunt Becky, you would hope that we had made progress in 20 years, but sometimes I forget that not everyone is reading the same book.
Osbasso, it has been interesting to see the geographical difference in attitudes. I've never seen any indication of problems when we've visited family on the west coast, nor in TX, but this little pocket of the Midwest - just far enough away from the "evils" of the city - seems to be a little different story.
Jay, we can hope, can't we?
...having raised three children I can only say, "this, too, shall pass". Is it easy? No. Is it fun? No. But remember this: all you can do is be true to your self, and hope that it rubs off. There is no better life-teaching method than that of example...
One of your commenters said something about the midwest - he might be on to something!
No, it won't help if you cry. Yes, this will pass. That doesn't make it easier, I know. having been there, lived thru it, complete with scars, demerits and trophies to show, I have to tell you that I don't have anything to tell you that will make it easier for either of you. Sucks, huh? Get thru it, love your kids. That's all there is...it'll be rough probably, but it will eventually pass and he will likely not damage his long term future. Lest you remove limbs that is.
Oh wow. This has to be the toughest age. I was bullied in junior high - 12 yrs old, 5 foot 6 and 86 lbs. Gawky and geeky - even though I was raised in a higher income area and wore the "popular" clothes. It didn't seem to matter. I was a dork.
My Buddy is a dork. I worry for him next year (first year of middle school). But, I have to say, in retrospect, many of us "good guys" do finish first! :-) Just be there for him, love him and do the best you can. {{{Hugs}}}
You know my opinion, SPORTS!
It gives them something to be part of - regardless of status of race.
If sports just ain't his thing, some type of club that requires a great deal of commitment and effort.
What a horrible position to be in. I feel badly for Cam. I KNOW that feeling. It was my first year of jr high, we moved from a ranching community to a very elite, high society neighborhood/community where if you hadn't gone to school with 'them' since K, you didn't belong OR fit in. It *sucked*. In my situation I would have done anything to fit in. Lemmings! So I guess I admire Cam a bit for his stance.
It's a shame he hasn't found *A* friend to fit in with. That would be the most difficult part.
I also can't imagine being in your shoes and how difficult that must be to stand by and watch.
he's never been invited to a party (birthday or otherwise) in the three years we've lived here That is heart wrenching :(
I find this so disturbing to read.
I have just lost my granddaughter 2months ago from SIDS and she was bi-racial and SO BEAUTIFUL. I've always thought bi-racial children are so beautiful.
After reading this about your son hurts my heart on so many levels. I hate to think that this would even be a issue at this time. I guess I'm naive to think it doesn't happen, when it clearly does, but to think when my granddaughter would have become older that some ass would treat her differently just burns me up!
No ONE should ever have to deal with that! I would say move him to a more diverse school, but I know thats not an option for you at this time. I 'm so sorry and I will be thinking of you both.
My quick take on this is that you would probably have a ton of different things to stress about if you lived in closer proximity to an urban environment. He might feel he fit in better there, but would pay dearly in terms of educational quality and peer influences.
In any case, I hope things smooth out soon. The first few weeks of school are bad for kids because so much is in flux. They haven't settled into a routine yet, with work that takes their minds off all the other crap.
Good luck to you.
even in liberal socialist diverse Santa Cruz people of mixed race heritage get treated poorly....
I live in a very diverse city (San Diego) and my kids go to a fairly diverse high school--still I hear from friends who have biracial children that they too encounter problems--though I think it is much less of a problem than what you're describing. If only that his clothing choices would be commonplace here.
I hope things turn around--middle school is the toughest time.--Jenn
Oh, girl, I feel for you. I hate townie shit and school shit. My son doesn't always fit in with all the major jocks in his class, which means he doesn't get invited to a lot of parties that his best friend does.
He seems to take it in stride, but I know it bothers him deep down. That's why we got him into drums and dirtbikes and skiing, things that he can excel at that don't involve the kids at school or in town.
I hope your guy finds a positive niche. Middle school BLOWS!!!
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