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*If you want to catch up, Part I can be found [HERE]*
Monday Morning rolls around. One of the down sides to the real-time GPS monitoring is that it requires Cam's location security setting to remain ON (not set for Emergency 911 only) and it gives him a *warning* screen (i.e. "You can be located" message) when he turns on his phone. Unfortunately, I cannot secure those settings and he has access to change them.So, what's the first thing he does Monday morning? Why yes! He changes the location settings so that the real-time GPS monitoring is deactivated. I send him a text message and tell him he has two options, (1) change the location setting to ON, or (2) lose the phone. He has 15 minutes to make a decision.
After several vulgar (understatement) text messages from Cam, and me responding in a "firm but loving" manner (texting allowed me to breathe), I told him it was in his best interest to abide by my rules. Now, understand that although Cam has been mad at me once or twice (or maybe a bazillion times) in the past, he has never retaliated in anger with vulgar language - NEVER. His final response to me was (this is the EXACT message I received):
I dont want to! Dont u fucking get it already?! IM 13 I DONT NEED UR HELP AT ANYTHING I DO!! IM NOT A FUCKING LITTLE KID ANYMORE! LEAVE ME ALONE! And just an FYI u dont even count as a mom 2 me right now. [Husband] is more of a parent then u!
Ummm ... yeah ... do you think he was attempting to push buttons? Somehow, I managed to keep my composure and not jump in my car, drive home and slap the living shit out of him, and instead continued to responded in a firm, but adult manner. He finally turned the location security setting back to ON.
One of my strategies last week was to show up at unexpected an unannounced times. Cam had been instructed that, under no circumstances, was he allowed to have anyone at the house without husband or I being there. Any guesses to what I found when I went home early for lunch? That's right! I found two of his "friends" at my house - Thing #1 (the 13 year old that has been a friend of Cam's for a couple of years) and Thing #2 (who I was told was a 16 year old, local kid, that Cam had met through Thing #1). They were just on their way out the door, obviously trying to be sneaky and leave before my "normal" lunch time. Little did they know that I would no longer have a "normal" lunch time.
I stopped all three boys in the driveway. I explained to ALL of them that Cam was not to have anyone at the house unless there was an adult present. I informed them that this would be their only warning - that the next time I would call the police and charge them with trespassing. I also told the two "friends" that if they were actually going to call themselves Cam's friends, they might want to consider helping him make better decisions, otherwise they had no business calling themselves his friends. The three of them rode away on their bikes.
Cam kept me in the loop regarding his whereabouts throughout the rest of the day and I didn't come home to anything other than what I should have come home to. I wouldn't be so lucky on Tuesday.
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34 comments:
This is tough....
The wife and I were discussing this as we have similar issues, (on a lesser scale than yours however).
The question is, when do you allow your kids to fail. When do you just let them fall...let life take over and beat them up for a bit before coming to help pick them up?
This is tough....My heart goes out to you on this one....
He is 13 and wants to be a "grown ass man" (the euphemism in our blended family). He doesn't understand that he is only 13. Proof that he is a grown ass man, foul language. That isn't something a kid would do.
I find it a little sad that you feel the need to tell a story about this. It is like Cam gave you blog material. Is there nothing in your life or family that remains private?
If either one of my daughters has spoken to me like that, I would've laid her out like clothes on a bed. I have a suggestion...next time Cam turns off the phone, tell him 10 minutes, then 5 minutes after that, etc. Let's hope he realizes how much you love him.
Joker_SATX, it is a tough decision to make, and one that I think is different for every child. I was at a place where it was clear that Cam was making "adult" decisions and I was not in a position to dole out "adult" consequences. It was the right time.
Professor Fate, I explained to him that as an "adult" his vocabulary should be much more diverse and his arguments logical. That frustrated him even more!
snugs, I find it a little sad that you and your buddy doggy can't seem to find a happy blog to land on and instead you continue to feign "concern" here. I think family secrets destroy families. I think the world would be a better place if more people were honest about their flaws and failures rather than hiding behind anonymity and public appearances. You feel differently.
Great story-telling! Sadly, it's happening to my friend. Sending you hugs and strength....
I'm really glad I don't have kids and don't have to deal with stuff like this in my life. Well, no kids that I know of. ;-)
this whole blog is a secret! you contradict your contradictions and I have to be honest with you - I am not concerned so there is no 'feigning' going on on my part - this is a trainwreck and I want to see how many bodies get pulled from the wreckage thats all! Being 'honest' on a blog and then being 'honest' in your home seem to have two different definitions. There is a difference between 'privacy' and 'family secrets' a family 'secret' is my uncle the alcoholic - 'privacy' is how we deal with it!
Man. I remember all of that stuff with my Max. I think the boy put more creative thought into getting around and nixing rules than he ever put into any other endeavour in his life. I still worry about him.
I wish I knew what to say or what advice to give. I know what you're going through is tough, and that's really all I can do for you...sympathize. *hugs*
Real Live Lesbian, it's a story that I hope helps someone else who finds them self in this situation. It needs to be told.
Jay, it's times like these when I realize that life has changed drastically since I was a kid.
doggybloggy, LOL! Your comment is priceless ... really! If there was any doubt in my mind (or any of my readers' minds) regarding your personal integrity, moral compass and/or respectability (or lack of any of the above), you just made it perfectly clear.
cute that you speak for your readers, and their minds...get a grip! You can justify your existence anyway you want - it seems to be working out fine for you LOL - you have no clue when it comes to personal integrity, or moral compasses - or even a lack there of. Milking the sympathy cow as usual. Oh I know - its because of the step-dad/'husband' - no its because .....(you fill in the blank) You need to quit airing out the dirty laundry and close up shop and fold clothes quietly - otherwise the trainwreck gawkers will still be gawking!
Dana:
Pay no attention to Snugs or Doggybloggy.
I mean, if you were to do what they said, and close up shop, then it means that they'd have to move on to someone else's blog to bitch amd moan over. You, as a responsible adult just can't condone that kind of behavior. At least here you know that they're not spending the extra time searching for someone else to harrass!
Personally, I find the situation you're in quite haunting. If it were me in your shoes, I'd be forced to let Cam deal with the consequences of his actions.
Better for me to forcefully show my kids that the things they do can have serious consequences, than try to protect them, and have them blame me for not keeping them out of trouble in their later years.
Case in point:
My son just two months ago decided to sneak out and graffitti the school close to our house. I found the paint cans, and the two friends who joined in. I then called the parents of said kids, and the three sets of parents held a BBQ, and offered the local police to come in and "arrest" the kids in front of us. They were formally charged, and we went through the entire legal process. My son is VERY mad at me right now, but I'm sure that this will forever keep at the back of his mind whenever he even thinks about stepping wrong again.
Stay strong. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Snugs and Doggy: Shut the hell up, and mind your own business if you don't like or approve what's being said.. bitches!
Marsha, it's always good to hear feedback from those who have been there. Experience is a powerful thing!
doggybloggy, who pissed in your brouillade de truffes this morning?
Jormengrund, the opinions of snugs and doggy are the least of my concerns right now, and I think that's what bothers them most *shrugs*
I will not be surprised if I find myself in a similar situation to yours. I am somewhat surprised that you got the support of the other parents - that isn't something I've had much luck with.
Big difference between privacy and family secrets. I think your son deserves some privacy is all I was saying. Like the wise doggy once said, people gawk at train wrecks, it's just human nature.
Jormengrund you are pretty funny, LMAO
I am sorry that Cam is being so resistant to your trying to help him. Perhaps remind him that military school is always an option.
And as a parent I am glad you are sharing your story for those of us who forget that kids can get into trouble a lot sooner than we might think,
Good Lord! I didn't Dog was like that! Seriously, I really didn't.
And guess what. Once again I will say it's YOUR blog, and you can write what you want. Hell, we all know I spill absolutely everything in my life. If people don't like it, don't freaking read it!!
I hope Cam can find his way back to you. He is in a hard, hard place and his choices aren't that great, but you are taken great steps in bringing him back.
snugs, in my world, a 13 yo "earns" privacy, and it was that very "privacy" that bit him in the butt. It will be a LONG time before he earns that back. Just wait! You'll be even more disturbed as the story continues if you think his privacy is being compromised now.
"Wise Doggy" ==> Oxy-moron ... but then again it takes special people to gawk at a train wreck hoping to get to see all of the blood and carnage. Fortunately, there aren't many special people like you and Doggy.
Another Suburban Mom, he really sees this as me being in the way of what he wants, and he's right, but it is done out of love and the knowledge that he doesn't have the intellectual development to accurately see the significant consequences of his impulsive behavior.
Bina, now you know why he reads your blog! And no, I didn't mean that in a "mean" way towards you - it's just his "moral" character. Did you think it was a coincidence that he and snugs were buddies??
Cam is in a hard place, and I am changing *gasp* the way I do things in hopes of seeing different results. He's got a good heart, and a conscience - both bode well to him coming out of this in a good way.
I think I would have went postal when I found Cam at home with the two other boys. The text message would have caused me to hammer his cell phone into really small pieces. You are showing the patience of a saint.
I commend you on how you are handling this situation. I agree with you - it is about earning the privileges back. They are called privileges for a reason.
Parenting is not for the weak of heart. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
I think my comment would be best summed up by saying "ditto" to ASM.
I admire your ability to remain calm after the text message exchange. I'm not sure I would have been able to not react to such disrespect. That must have been horrible. :(
*hugs*
we're doomed, it took every bit of "control" I had to address the boys in a calm manner, especially when they laughed. I just looked at them and said, "You think it's funny? Try me!"
The cell phone? I have ulterior motives with that one. It's my link to actually *know* where he is, and his opportunity to be honest with me and earn some of that trust back. We'll see how this works out.
Emmy, I actually heard "My RIGHT to privacy" out of Cam's mouth and I explained that as soon as he was on his own - as soon as he was keeping his own roof over his head and feeding his own belly - THEN he'd have a "right" to privacy.
Vixen, the text message was a defining moment for me. My initial reaction was not a good one. Had it been a phone conversation ... well ... he'd have NEVER said that on the phone ... but had it been? I'm not so sure I'd have been able to keep my reaction to myself.
Wow! I have so much to say (just another asshole opinion) but I have no idea how to say it. You are one tough broad (hope that doesn't bother you too much) to put all this mess out here for the rest of us to see (and comment on).
13 year old boy who wants to be a man real quick, it's an old story, but one that will never change. Good luck, and I mean that!
I cant wait to watch the rest of the wreck....
Hey Doggy, do you really like being that rude? I need to know!
Micky-T, one tough broad doesn't bother me in the least. I just wish I had been more that way 5 years ago. Hopefully it's a "better-late-than-never" situation.
doggybloggy, TOOT! TOOT!
Micky-T, I'm sure he'll tell you he's just giving me what I deserve. He seems to have deemed himself judge, jury and resident jerk *shrugs*
My heart is heavy for you.
Dana,
I have been reading your blog for awhile, and I think you are a breath of fresh air. I love your openness and honesty. Cam will come around, and he will see how lucky he is to have a mom like you. :) In the mean time hang tight.
Somebuddy, please put those two fruitloops back in the box, or pass the milk, I think they are done. LOL
Hugs,
Em
How does the step dad fit into helping you ?
Tell me something that will make me say "Hmmmmmm"
Damn...Two things I'm sorry about.
Number one, the problems you are having with Cam and number two... The drama I missed today within the comments.
Yo Doggy...I can never tell if once upon a time you lost your mind or you lost your dick. Cheers!!
Aunt Becky, your heart is heavy because you glorify alcoholism, you anti-feminist you! And here I thought I had cornered the market on whack-o readers!
emma, I think the ending to the story - 20 years from now - might surprise all of us.
Anonymous, husband (step dad) has been supportive by allowing me to handle this. I asked that he back off - that he not escalate an already difficult situation - and he has done just that. It means that I shoulder the entire responsibility, but honestly? That isn't necessarily a bad thing. Is it ideal? No, but it seems to be working better for Cam this way.
doggybloggy, and when you can't rile me up by being a jerk, you just bombard the blog with copied statements? Really? Did someone eat your banana and now you're bored??
Matt-Man, I'm sure the drama will be back in today's comments. If you're looking for a little entertainment, Doggy and snugs are a lot like Laurel & Hardy ... only not as funny.
OH Dana...I would say get in touch with Nancy...she is dealing with a lot of this anger right now - though she gets it verbally at times.
Maybe when we get back you two can chat.
I would agree with NV who said that if (insert kids name here) said that to me I would kick his sorry ass out. Or, at least him or her a natural ass whooping. Although, things really don't work that way.
This is something that in a matter of years T and I will have to deal with as his eldest child is hitting the "tween" era. I shudder at the thought.
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