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It's over, right? The week of joy, peace and fighting for parking spots at the mall has finally come to a close? Honestly? Although there were moments of extreme stress, fear and discord, there were also some moments of extreme peace and clarity. Overall, it was a good week!
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The weather here has been ... well ... frightful. We've had snow - LOTS - then an ice storm last night and tomorrow? Temps nearing 50 degrees, rain, and 18" of snow to melt - UGH!
In spite of the weather challenges, Cam and I made it to Christmas Eve services at church (a wonderful production), finished up our Christmas shopping and managed to catch a movie (Seven Pounds - not an uplifting Christmas movie) on Christmas Day!
In spite of the weather challenges, Cam and I made it to Christmas Eve services at church (a wonderful production), finished up our Christmas shopping and managed to catch a movie (Seven Pounds - not an uplifting Christmas movie) on Christmas Day!
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I am quite proud of Cam! He asked for one item for Christmas (the iPod that was being held hostage) and that one item was under the tree. There was one other small thing for him, but he was thrilled! He got it right this year - it wasn't about quantity but about knowing that he was important enough and loved enough to receive the one item he wished for. That was the best gift that I could have received this year!
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For those of you with kids who cannot drive, or remember those days, how do you handle gifts? I found it odd that I took Cam out to buy gifts for husband, step-brother and step-sister, but husband did not take Cam out to do any shopping. If you are reading between the lines, yes - that means there was nothing under the tree for me - nothing from Cam - nothing from husband. This is not said to evoke pity or sadness. Quite the contrary, it was one of those moments of clarity that I spoke of earlier.
One more gift question ...
Those of you with blended families - how do you handle gift giving? Do you give gifts to all of the children as parents/step-parents, or do you give gifts to the kids from each of the adults? I was quite surprised to learn that I was expected to give gifts to my step-kids - that those husband purchased were not from both of us. Needless to say, they felt quite "forgotten" by me. The iPod that I purchased for Cam? The gift tag was signed from both husband and me.
Yes, there were many moments of clarity and many gifts received that the giver wasn't even aware he was giving.
One more gift question ...
Those of you with blended families - how do you handle gift giving? Do you give gifts to all of the children as parents/step-parents, or do you give gifts to the kids from each of the adults? I was quite surprised to learn that I was expected to give gifts to my step-kids - that those husband purchased were not from both of us. Needless to say, they felt quite "forgotten" by me. The iPod that I purchased for Cam? The gift tag was signed from both husband and me.
Yes, there were many moments of clarity and many gifts received that the giver wasn't even aware he was giving.
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29 comments:
I'm sorry to hear you didn't get any presents. :( I know my situation was different, but my parents would always take us to get something for the other parent (even after they divorced). Now our Christmas presents from mom's side are from mom AND her boyfriend. It makes him feel proud and like part of the family to help choose and purchase presents for us.
I'm sorry...It does speak louder than words.
My kids elementary school did a great thing every year. They had a Santa's Toy Shop every year. It was mostly crap from the Dollar Store, but little kids could come in and buy for their parents and the adults volunteering would wrap for them. The kids really enjoyed it and it was so sweet listening the little ones discussing what they were going to get for their family members....there was more unselfishness than you would imagine.
I just hope Cam did not feel bad about not having a gift for his Mom.
We should've had an opening party together for our imaginary gifts ;)
I really didn't mind though. I skipped the in-laws Christmas and worked out and took a long hot bath.
I'm really glad Cam appreciated his gift. Hopefully the new year will bring a new attitude from him.
I would say our situation is a little different then yours, but we ABSOLUTELY give gifts to the kids from both of us, mom(stepmom) and dad! Unfortunately we were unable to take the kids out shopping for eachother and us due to lack of money, but I would rather the kids get the goods!
Wow. I would say so there was moments of clarity. I am sorry Dana. Did Cam ask DH to take him out shopping?
I certainly hope your 2009 brings you more clarity and peace.
Wishing you and yours a winning holiday season!!
From the batting cages to the baseball fields, our team wishes you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!
Clarity can cut to the bone. I hope you recover from your wounds. I am glad Cam got the gift that he wanted. I hope Santa will give you what you want or need or both.
I believe you when you say it was not mentioned to evoke sympathy. So I'll just say that f*cking s*cks. I would think that the gifts given to the children should have been given jointly. THAT establishes a unified front in the eyes of the kids I think.
I have no experience with in-laws or kids or anything like that, but gifts from my parents are always signed by the both of them (though I know it was Mom who really picks it out--Dad makes a big deal if it's something that HE bought. Sort of like he passed a test, or something!).
I'm a bit speechless about your lack of gifts. Really does help bring things into focus...
I am sorry there were no gifts for you under the tree. As you said that is a clear sign of something.
My step mom buys us gifts from her. And then dad buys gift for us from him. But my step mother came into our lives when we were all adults and we never resided together. She is more of my father's wife than any sort of mother figure to me.
I have the same emotional attachment to her than I do to my mailman - and they both got $50 Barnes and Noble gift certificates. I would think it would be different if the family blended when the kids were younger.
I'm sorry Dana, that stinks that husband wasn't thoughtful enough to get you anything, either from himself or at least enable the kids to do so.
Good for Cam, though!
((huggs))
My mom & stepdad's gifts are from the two of them. Mom might get me my own little card, or slip me a $20 when no one is looking but its always a joint effort. I get my mom & stepdad separate gifts unless there is one thing that they want.
I am glad you are having clarity, but that it comes at the cost of you having nothing for Christmas.
Hope the rest of your week improves!
NY Diva, it seems like this should happen - that it's a common courtesy thing - but then I start questioning if I'm just "nicer" than most and have unreasonable high expectations.
Breve, Cam's middle school was scheduled to do this on the Friday before Christmas break, but then they had a snow day. I made no mention of the fact that there was nothing from Cam under the tree because I didn't want him to feel bad for something not in his power.
M, we could have had an imaginary Christmas together, but with real wine!
Gotta, actually, our circumstances aren't that much different which makes it good to hear that my expectations aren't way out of line.
BBall Mom, clarity is a gracious gift! Cam did not ask, I'm sure out of fear of being told "no" I haven't talked to him about it for fear of making it into something he feels guilt for.
Doomed, I always recover from my wounds. It may take time (a lot of time) but I will heal.
Lu, not receiving a gift was one of the best gifts I was given this year! Seriously! No mixed messages there ...
Os, and I do realize that the shopping often falls on one person's shoulders, but the thought - the funding - comes from both.
Karen, right ... husband and I have been together for 5 years - the kids were 7 & 8 when we got together, and this has not been an issue in the past.
Hubman, just from the kids would have been all that I wanted and not because it was a gift, but because they were given the opportunity to GIVE rather than just receive.
ASM, clarity was a valuable gift!
We aren't blended, but have cut back on the gift giving. We make sure my wife, sons, me, and their girlfriends all have something nice. We make sure the kids at the get togethers get something.. after that we reciprocate...
I can't believe he put you in that position... I'm sorry that you're being treated so poorly and even more sorry for the lack of communication or care on his part.
Dana:
My wife and I share the giving of gifts, and we make it a team effort.
I feel that it not only demeans the parent, but it also puts a major dampener on the child's spirit to single them out specifically..
I mean, if step-brother gets a gift exclusively from dad, but you only get one thing "from mom & dad", it kind of makes you feel like you're out in left field.
I like taking the kids out to decide what to get their mom, and I also give them some ideas as well.
It's even better when they think they're going to surprise her when I take them out on a spur of the moment shopping spree, and get her little things like a flower and stuffed animal or something of that nature...
It's really all about making the kids feel like they're in integral part of the family, and not some kind of trophy or face to fill out the season's greetings cards..
I'll see about finding you a couple more buttons to send you as a belated christmas present, ok?
Buff, this wasn't an issue of finances, but something I believe to be a bit more sinister. Had it been finances, I'd have not questioned it.
Corky, don't be sorry! Really! I am the only one who can change this situation.
Jormengrund, I do believe this really is about feeling a part of a whole - of a family. There was quite a feeling of separation this holiday.
First --I'm so glad you made it through;-)
Second--there is no excuse about no gift from the DH--that combined with not doing the joint thing on the step kids presents is pretty clear.
HUGS
Growing up as a kid with divorced & remarried parents, the gifts were from both mom & stepdad and dad & stepmom. I never received separate gifts. All tags were signed by both of them. As for now with being divorced and having Yummy in the picture, all gifts to the Princes are from us collaborately. I typically purchase the gift due to his work schedule (Us going shopping together is a real blessing when it happens!) but we usually discuss what we get the Princes together. After all, it's his $$ that help purchase the gifts - shouldn't he get some credit.
The Princes are taken shopping by me to a little warehouse sale that goes on every year - the gifts are a couple bucks each and they love running through there with their list to buy for everyone. So on Christmas morning, it's opening of gifts that they each put great thought and heart into for each person on their list.
I've never encountered your situation - it must have been heartbreaking for you. Clarity sucks when one is not asking for it. But I'm glad Cam got the one thing he'd been asking for. You go!!
{{Hugs}}
I'm sorry about the presents!! That was really really crappy. Glad Cam enjoyed his iPod.
And as for your weather, I almost piled er in sideways pretty close to you....That was when I lost it...It continued on into the next day on the account of the same weather near home....I cried when I got home..
I always thought this was a 'woman' thing. That as a woman, that is what I was supposed to do. My ex husband never took our kids out to buy gifts for me- not on my birthday, Mothers Day, Christmas.... But you *KNOW* I faithfully, every single holiday or occasion took the kids out to buy things for him. I was also in charge of all the gift buying for his and mine entire family.
Now that said. My current husband was astounded that my ex was like that. He very faithfully remembers all occasions and always includes the kids. I have a step son and gifts we give him, are that *WE* give them to him. Cards I send to his family, my step son, ANYONE include both our names.
I think out of everything I read here in your post, the thing that bothered me the most was that he bought gifts for his children and then gave them to him *from him*. That was blatantly....discluding you. And what a horrible way to split a family apart. As a blended family he should be promoting 'togetherness', not "me", "you". IMO.
I love reading about your relationship with Cam though. It's truly touching.
Wow, sounds like some serious communication is in order.
Turn, I always make it through ... maybe not unscathed, but I do make it through!
Honey, well, maybe the $$ is part of the problem. You see, we have his, hers and ours money. Husband makes far more than me and wants to make sure that I don't take "his" This seems to have become more prevalent lately.
Average, I cannot believe you actually drove in this crap! Glad you made it home safely!
Vixen, we celebrated very separate holidays/gift giving this year. There wasn't even a veiled attempt at making it look blended.
Mary, I think we are beyond communication.
Our family has this tradition of kris kringle. DH draw my name but just like any other ordinary guy (LOL) he did not have time to buy a gift (and did not know what to buy). He is a church minister and he usually gets lots of gifts from church members. During our exchange gifts, he just picked up two big boxes from under the tree and gave them to me. It was good. They were just what I needed for my kitchen. Sigh! Husbands!!!
My husband and I have 3 children. The oldest, a daughter from his first marriage, gets the same gift considerations as the other 2 children. This even applies to my side of the family. All of my aunts and uncles are called 'aunt' and 'uncle' by her just as the other kids do, and when it comes gift-giving time whether it be Christmas or birthdays, she has gifts from all of those people too. Her gifts under the tree were from both of us, and there were no seperate gifts from her father.
She has a stepfather who handles the gift purchasing for her mother, but I remember the first father's day I spent with my husband, Jessica's mother had helped her to get him a gift. I am now in charge of that.
My husband and I did not exchange gifts this year, but that was a financial choice. Seeing our children receive the gifts they wanted was a great gift for both of us. Of course, the clarity you received could be what makes your life take a different direction, and that could be better than anything money could have purchased.
it is as it is.
and...it is better to have a clear picture of how it is.
it still sucks.
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