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First, an apology. I haven't forgotten Lu and Ms. Lily, my drawing winners (and you too Knight), but as you all know, life has been a bit ... well ... off this past week. I'm only working until noon today and plan to get everything wrapped up and ready this afternoon - and hopefully in the mail on Saturday.
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The silent treatment has continued with one exception. Thursday morning, as husband was getting ready to leave, I asked if we were ever going to speak again and was told, "Some day." Then, as he was walking out the door I said (in a sincere tone of voice), "Have a good day" which got "You are the most selfish, inconsiderate, and unappreciative person - I get no credit for everything I do here." I must have looked like a deer caught in the headlights!
I think (don't know because he's not talking) that he measures VALUE to the household and the marriage in $$ only. He brings in about 70% of the income to the household and it appears that qualifies as "everything" he does. Sure, we wouldn't be in the house we are in if it weren't for his income, but I wouldn't be cleaning said 3200 square foot house either! It's pretty clear that I need to "earn" my value by doing everything else because my $$ contribution is less. I've always thought this was the case and now I'm fairly certain of it.
I think (don't know because he's not talking) that he measures VALUE to the household and the marriage in $$ only. He brings in about 70% of the income to the household and it appears that qualifies as "everything" he does. Sure, we wouldn't be in the house we are in if it weren't for his income, but I wouldn't be cleaning said 3200 square foot house either! It's pretty clear that I need to "earn" my value by doing everything else because my $$ contribution is less. I've always thought this was the case and now I'm fairly certain of it.
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Thursday night is family/marriage counseling night. When it was time to leave the house to go to the appointment, husband was no where to be found, so Cam and I headed out. I half expected husband to show up there. He's been known to have an agenda for counseling, presenting it as a sneak attack. Not so last night. He was a no-show, which was somewhat of a relief, as well as an eye-opener.
Thursday night is family/marriage counseling night. When it was time to leave the house to go to the appointment, husband was no where to be found, so Cam and I headed out. I half expected husband to show up there. He's been known to have an agenda for counseling, presenting it as a sneak attack. Not so last night. He was a no-show, which was somewhat of a relief, as well as an eye-opener.
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The goal this weekend is to spend some family time with Cam. Looks like a trip to the local apple orchard on Saturday and church *gasp* on Sunday. Not sure about this whole church thing, but must admit that what I've been doing hasn't been working. It's time to shake things up a bit and see what the mess looks like. If nothing else, it's an opportunity for both Cam and I to interact with people - respectful and welcoming people - what a concept.
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40 comments:
Hi Dana. I've been following but not commented this past week. I just wanted to say I've been thinking happy thoughts for you and hope you're holding up alright.
Dana,
Sorry if i`m a little blunt.
How can he expect things to get sorted if he fails to turn up for your family/marriage counseling night appointment? Both need to be there if there is any chance of working things out! It doesn`t matter who bring`s what % of your income, what matter`s is that its a put all in to the pot. Thats the same with doing things within the house, share, help be commited to anything not just think about (boast) what one person brings in. Marriage is a partnership. He need to get his head look at!!
I hope you have a wonderful time with Cam this weekend and that you can interact with people who are respectful and welcoming than someone at home.
Praise Da Holy Baby Jeebus!! Dana's sexy ass is gettin' saved. Good luck and hey, whatever helps to make things better. Cheers Goofball!!
I'll send up a prayer and tell Jesus that you're going to be there on Sunday. We don't wanna go shockin' that Baby Jeebus!
Let the church folks welcome you and take you in. You never know, you might just like it!
Good luck, sweetie. Hang in there. You've got a lotta folks behind you!
I'd like to think more of him so I think your man has some issues and it is a shame he wont seek help to get them resolved. Enjoy the weekend with Cam. We may go to an apple festval. Hey not all church folk are welcoming so don't be suprised if you meet a bad apple or two. Don't stress on the prize Mamma, I know, I'd be stressing over it too if I had to get it delivered, eh such is life.
Sad when value is measured in dollars and cents.
Spend time with Cam...he is what is important in your life.
I am not a church goer, but have thought once or twice, would things in my life get better if I went? Then I think, is God that petty that he would make my life difficult because I don't go? I hope not.
HUGS
Hubman, thank you! I'm actually holding up far better than I have in the past when faced with quite similar circumstances. There is something to be said for holding true to one's convictions.
Mike, that wasn't even close to being blunt *wink* I made the decision last week to not fret over his participation and instead focus on the only thing I can influence - me!
Matt-Man, don't get carried away here - saved? Ha! It will take more than an hour on Sunday to do that!
RLL, I'm not sure you should give him warning either - the doors might be locked!
Lu, we actually made an appearance at this church a couple of weeks ago, and although it was a bit of an anxiety provoking event (can you say pushed all of my buttons?), it was good to hear a bit of a positive message. I'm not going all gangbusters here - just exploring.
Bond, I tend to lean in the agnostic direction, so church is quite a stretch for me *grin* I think it's time to introduce Cam to religion so that he can make an informed choice and, it might just give us something to talk about.
I cannot believe that he is still holding out on the silent treatment. I am not stubborn enough to do that. He is really an jerk.
I am a church goer...and I don't think God does anything different cause I go or not. I personally enjoy worship on Sunday mornings...but the church I go to is a bit nontraditional.
A place with a rocking youth group can give a kid a different group of friends which if nothing else...broadens his experience with different kinds of people.
Personally I got into the most trouble ever at church camp. laughing...
"This one time at Church Camp..."
That is how you start the stroy Katherine! LOL
Well, that's a sticky situation with the husband...one I'm steering waaaay clear of.
Course, I do my share of the domesticated chores and I bring in the larger percentage of $$.
Trish is training me too well...scary.
And she actually got me into church last Sunday! And I actually enjoyed it!!
Double scary...
Spending time with Cam will do wonders for the two of you.
I think it's wonderful of you to introduce Cam to different views. And you might find comfort being amongst others who won't be measuring your value by monetary criteria.
Just see it as an opportunity to relax and look inside yourself. That's what going into a church always does for me.
Being around positive people is uplifting. Feel his warmth it is all around you. I'm just saying people suck everywhere including church. Sometimes ganbusters is just what the Dr ordered. No one knows but you. I'm just all protective and shit hee hee hee *wink :)
You are still not speaking over a snooze button? Sounds like a whole lot of mind game playing and mental abuse. Take care of yourself and enjoy the apple orchard. I want to go! Enjoy church too. I'll toast you while I'm at brunch.
Stay strong for yourself and your son.
Heya..
I have to say, my wife and I went through something like this the second year of our marriage.
I was upset because I felt like she wasn't appreciating the things I was doing for her in providing the house, items, kids, etc. that she wanted and desired. This meant overtime, extra jobs, and lots and lots of elbow grease to get stuff done around the house and yard.
She felt neglected because I wasn't spending enough time with her.
Needless to say, each of us refused to speak out our pain to the other one, until me in my nice unassuming way blurted out "We going to stay mad at each other, or are we going to actually talk?"
That got the issues out where they needed to be, and since, I've made a point to meet her halfway.
Granted, I still fall short at times, but heck, I'm human! I still try to get us away for a nice "Date night" at least once a month.. (if I can't get every week in, she'll settle for at least one good one a month!) And she also makes a point to check out and approve or give her opinion on the things I do for the house and family.
Anyway, I hope you two are able to work things out. Let him stew for a bit, and work out his anger. He'll eventually either talk, or walk. Whichever he decides, you as a caring spouse should at least support him in that self-discovery phase he's going through right now.
Best wishes and luck to ya!
Karen, he did eat some of the dinner I left on the stove last night - I think he is beginning to get weak!
Kat, this church has an AMAZING youth program (and a spot just for middle school kids) and is the primary reason I thought it might be a good fit for Cam. And who knows, maybe I'll get something out of it too!
Bond, *gigglesnort* And I thought band campers had all of the fun!
Slick, CHICKEN! Now don't get me to thinking I might enjoy church - that is just too overwhelming!
Anndi, I owe my son the opportunity to see the world as the BIG and diverse place that it is.
Lu, agreed! Mean people exist everywhere, but I promise to be careful!
Catching up on the past week. I've made my feelings known about your hubby before, so no need to beat that dead horse again.
If your value is being measured in $$'s, then I don't see how you'll ever win. As long as he makes more income than you, you'll be considered substandard. On the flip side, if you were the maid bread winner, he would likely feel inferior and resentful.
I've been going to a church for about six years now. Have met some great people there and have also met some posers. I could easily go on for quite some time about the whole thing, but to keep it short, I will simply commend you for keeping an open mind and working towards a solution for you and Cam.
Desperate enough to go to church?? haha ;-)
I think that Cam is the most mature male in your house.
oops that's main bread winner.
Interesting slip though don't you think?
Knight, well ... that's what set the episode off, but I think (hope?) it was more than that, even if he is delutional.
Lolita, it has been much easier to be strong this time. Amazing what the support from all of you guys out there, and a little dose of self-respect can do!
Jormengrund, as idiotic as I think husband is being (and I think his behavior is beyond idiotic), I don't discount his feelings, but he's got to figure out a better way to handle conflict. I won't tolerate this any longer. Time for me to move forward.
Gotta love the mind games. Sometimes, when people are irrationally angry like that, they are actually angry at themselves. I've been in relationships like that with men. They would do something wrong, then get angry with me to make themselves feel better.
Dana,
You will probably never know how bad I feel that you are going through this. If I can be an inspiration to you? Since he said that "Someday" he will speak to you again, then from here to then, have him speak with your attorney. I am starting to think that enough is enough. This is emotional abuse.....
As far as church is concerned...not a bad idea...its working for me.
I tend to be more atheist than agnostic, but I am open to kids forming their own opinions about religion, and letting everyone have their own beliefs. I was raised in church and church camp is a place I learned many devious activities. I have wondered if my life would be different if I was religious. Sometimes it seems nice to have that mystical being to cling to for strenghth when there is none offered here on earth.
I make the most money and do the most chores and at times my husband is still an ass. Maybe not quite to the extent yours has gone, but why can't people just contribute- no matter what it is time or money, as long as it is for the betterment of the family? Keep trying to get to a level place in your own mind, apparently he is hopeless.
He has some serious issues that he needs to address alone with a separate therapist.
I've done all the organized religion I am ever going to do. I do feel children should have exposure to possibilities.
"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things." ~Robert Brault
~AirmanMom returning to her blog...
Dana -
After seeing your responses, I've only got one thing to say:
Focus on keeping yourself and your son happy and whole.
If your husband decides to grow up, great!
If not, cut the cords, let him go, and focus on keeping the two of you safe, happy, and whole!
My best to you and Cam!
What a concept, indeed. I don't believe in religion but I believe in faith. Faith that you'll show your husband that you're the better person (games are for the insecure). Faith that you'll have a good time with Cam. Faith that you'll be a stronger person. So on.
I'll keep checking your blog for further misadsventures of the hubby.
I think it's a wonderful idea to go to Church and to the orchards. I hope both days are a positive experience for you and Cam.
((((Hugs with and for you.)))) I love what everyone's said. Especially what Biscuit mentioned about the angry mind games. So sad, but so true.
((More hugs)) Just because. And I'm glad youre feeling stronger with all the support and love you have from everyone. You deserve so much, Dana. You really truly do ; )
Thinkin' about you honey! You and Cam have an amazing weekend. if they do anything apple orchard like up here I think it's all done and gone with. 4 inches of snow this morning. It was fun driving. I LOVE the apple orchards and all the fun stuff that goes with. A happy place is just what you need. I'll be thinking about you.
I've never done counseling, so I don't know how it works. I think when one doesn't show up, counseling might not be working..
Boy, this situation doesn't seem to be going too well. Sorry to hear.
The Trailer Of Love
Hi Dana!
Just wanted to stop by and say thank you for dropping by my blog yesterday.
It was so nice meeting you!
And I just noticed your black and white photo on the sidebar, that I believe I saw as your avatar on several of the blogs that I visit, and always wanted to tell you that I LOVED it!
It's a very cool image.
(and also...I LOVE red wine!)
HA!
Have a great weekend, Dana!
Your family circle seems to consist of you and Cam. Don't allow "him"to join until he matures a little.
I have a good IRL friend who is in a similar marriage. She lives in a HUGE house, cleans it all and does *everything* and her dh makes ALL the money but treats her like shit.
I think I'd rather live in a shack.
Hey, a love shack! ;)
The way he is acting toward you makes me want to cry.
I'm sorry you have to go through this Dana. This really sucks.
:(
Thoughts and prayers.
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