~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Growing up, I would sometimes hurt myself physically as a way to cope (punish myself) with overwhelming emotions such as anxiety, stress, numbness and self-loathing.
To this day, I must work exceptionally hard to curb the urge to engage in self-harm, and occasionally, I still fail.
To this day, I must work exceptionally hard to curb the urge to engage in self-harm, and occasionally, I still fail.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
32 comments:
Maybe not physically ... ?
You must love yourself, to stop the self-harm.
I guess what I have to say might surprise you, but other people seem to like me alot more than I like myself..
I hope your only talking about tearing off a hangnail or something like that.
*kisses* Urgh don't do that! Just look to us for affirmation. We don't owe you and yet we are here to tell you, YOU ROCK!
Yeah. It's a slippery slope. So damn easy to do it, so damn hard not to do it.
Take a step back when you feel the urge. there are many here for you in those times of need
My mom also did...and still does that. She would break her hand, etc. Just to hurt herself to make up for all the stuff she went through as a child. I know we're talking about you here and not my mom...but wanted to let you know that I grew up in a house like that.
You're amongst friends who care for you here and are always here to listen if you need to talk.
Dang girl.
Hugs. You don't need to be punished. You've done nothing wrong.
You deserve so much better than what you get...from others and from yourself.
My thoughts are with you. I wish you well.
That is a much more common problem than I realized. You don't deserve to be punished.
Volly, unfortunately it is a physical and emotional battle.
Doomed, there was a time ...
Buff, I'm not terribly surprised. I think it is more common than what we often hear.
Micky, well ...
Lu, I do look to all of you, but I'm not perfect *wink*
Nolens Volens, yes it is a slippery slope!
Mike, I am getting far better at asking for help rather than internalizing it all.
Rage, thank you for sharing that. There is a great deal of shame associated with this secret.
SS, oh the secrets I keep!
RLL, logically I know that - emotionally?
13messages, thank you!
Karen, I think the shame is what keeps people from talking about it. This has been - by far - the most difficult secret I've shared. It's been sitting in my drafts for months.
Well, I'm a little surprised, but only a little. Are you a cutter? I was a hair puller, and I would give myself friction burns. One of my best friends has scars all over her body from cutting and burning. She fights so hard against it, but, well you've felt the need yourself. Your counselor knows this right?
Good for you Dana
Dana,
My first comment was probably too cryptic. What I meant was, while you may succeed in not physically punishing yourself now, it appears you may be doing that when it comes to your marriage ... let someone treat you badly because you think you deserve it. And I do speak from (multiple) experience.
Before I was diagnosed as bipolar, during my last serious depressive state, I would scream as loud as I could in my head to drown out the vicious loop that kept telling me how worthless I was. Then I stumbled upon a solution to cope with that rage. I would imagine cutting myself, and the mental image of the blood would cause this sense of euphoria to wash over me and erase the rage. The only problem was, that as time went by, it became less and less effective, and one day in the car I realized that for it to work again, I was going to have to actually DO it. And then I glanced in the rear view mirror at my beautiful children and had a moment of clarity. I did not want my children to grow up remembering a mother who did something like that.
I understand how you feel. It's like a reflex that needs to be retrained, and you need to remove as many stimuli from your life that cause the reflex.
Food for thought, hon. You have so many people who love you.
Damn. I have never understood that affliction. I hope you start to entirely curb that feeling soon. Cheers Dana!!
I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing with us. but now it is time to get help for that. Since family counseling is a bust, how about some therapy for yourself?
sitting at an In-N-Out in Davis....(after spending a day with Republican bashers...)reading the comments on Mateo's post...and thinking of you.
sending you warm thoughts and prayers.
*hugs*
xo
I don't think you are so much making 'excuses' as you are simply explaining.
I think writing and telling us and dealing with the feedback is one way of working through it.
I'm wondering whether the stings that some from being so open about what happens are ways of 'hurting' to cope with it.
Obviously I'm talking about your Monday post combined with this secret.
Still wanting to hug you.
Coming late to this 'party'....the post from Sunday on your site and the other made me so sad.
It is impossible for anyone to decide when and how to make a life-altering change.
Personally, I waited almost 6 years before finally taking the exit ramp. It also helped that i was offered a job in another city.
You will deal with your situation as you see fit and as you feel you need to.
Expressing your feelings about the situation allows you to release your frustrations without doing harm to yourself or any one else.
No one can tell you to do something you are not mentally ready to do.
HUGS
Dana-please don't think you have to resort to physically hurting yourself. As others have said, you have done nothing wrong. I really hope that you have shared this with a trained professional and are working through it. If not, please call me.
Dana, I would offer a replacement behaviour but that would avoid getting to the root of the problem. Find that when you're ready to and things will be easier.
Dana, I'm so sorry to hear this. My oldest son did this at times when he lived with his dad, when he was at his worst times and before he got his medication. I wish I could hug you right now.
I think a lot of people have to deal with this in a physical or emotional way. I'm sorry you have struggled so much. I hope you have a safe place to seek help when the urge arises.
Ya know whot I wish? I wish I could hold you in my arms and love you; wrap myself around us and kiss you passionately. But, alas, I know not where you live, nor do I wanna. However!!! There's always the Man Upstairs who's as built, as tall, as dark, as handsome as you want FOR ETERNITY!!! Just gotta git up thar. And I have the key --- Got moxie? Most of U.S. don't. Read the signs of the times, dude: God's a concrete, kick-ass reality. “A must read if youse wanna live” -Fr. Sarducci, SNL
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