I'm in a bit of a quandary (or obsessive funk, whichever you prefer). I've been playing up this damned Thin Mint HNT thing all week. Jahooni went out of her way to make it happen, I bought the chocolate syrup and the hot fudge, I was ready to go ... and then came the funk. Actually, I've been fighting the funk for what seems like an eternity a few months - grabbing the smiling face from the jar, putting it on each morning and pretending I'm happy. I thought it might just fool the funk. It didn't.
Then, I'm going through my Google Reader yesterday morning and stop for a quick rest next to Vince on the Big Leather Couch. If you haven't been there, you really should go - there is always great music playing and the atmosphere is quite comfortable. Anyway, I digress ...
His post yesterday was titled, Is It Worth It......? Now, y'all know how it is when you start reading a blog and you think, "Oh my ... how did he/she get in my head today?" I had one of those moments. Vince talked about evaluating the things in our lives to determine if they were "worth it." Now, he had some mushy shit romantic thoughts in there as well, but the "worth it" part really struck a chord with me.
For about the past year I've been doing some steady fence sitting in some very important parts of my life - specifically my marriage. I've been waiting for a lightening strike to my left tibia an epiphany to help me decide if it was time to buck up and give 100% to try to save the marriage, or if it was better to give 100% to ending it amicably. In that year I've watched my financial stability plummet and my self-esteem suffer greatly. I think it's likely that my son has lost respect for me due to my seeming inability to stand up for myself - or for him - in this situation. And yet I continue to precariously perch atop these white pickets.
You know, the longer you sit on the pickets, the more used to them you get, but as I was reading Vince's post I had to ask myself, "Is it worth it?" What is the price I am paying to sit on this fence? Would my husband pay the same price to sit where I've been sitting? Is it fair to ask my son to pay that price? It all became pretty damn clear - it's time to make a move. It's not going to be easy to get off that fence - I have semi-permanent indentations in my ass from sitting there so long and my legs have fallen asleep - but the price I am paying (and subjecting my son to) isn't worth it.
On that depressing thought light note, I can't seem to give Thin Mint HNT the attention it deserves. My mind just isn't there right now. Not to worry, there will be an HNT post, but it likely won't be like any of those you've seen before, and I hope there won't be any more like it in the future. I know that I can't do Jahooni's Thin Mint HNT justice tomorrow - not with where my head is right now - so I'll keep those boxes of asparagus cookies in the freezer, and the chocolate syrup in the pantry until I can do Jahooni justice ... or do Jahooni ... whichever comes first!
40 comments:
I know which way I hope you go, but as long as you are making moves in a directions...its good news and I wish you luck and look forward to being here for the journey.
I will also be waiting anxiously for the Thin Mints =)
OH MY GAWD! omgosh and OMG all in the same tone!
you have no idea do you? i am living in your same shoes. But wait, your feet seems like a size 10! me, 8.5. ;)~
I have been married for 10 years come next month and we are going on a vacation together to come home/back to call it quits! Sad.
Email me and we can talk. this post is exactly my life. OMG! Didn't I say that already?
Save the Thin Mints for US. I will come over and eat them with a glass of milk! (Or Wine)
You have a lot to work out, Dana. I'll be here for you. I can't promise that I'll be sober all the time, but I will be here in one way or another. ;)
Matty, it might be a really ugly trip, but I think it's one that will end in a much nicer place.
Jahooni, Size 11, so you've got quite a bit of wiggle room in my shoes and my toes hurt when I wear yours!
Corky, I can't promise that I'll be sober all of the time either *wink*
I was just told yesterday that what I thought would be decided friday, has been postponed again. Waiting can be far harder than doing...
Take your time Dana....
make changes, do it quick and it will seem less painfull...like ripping off a bandaid
I too sat on the couch yesterday, but fortunatly for me all is well, and worth it in my world. It wasn't always that way. I've always liked the phrase, "shit or get off the pot"
You and your son are way more important than a little old HNT for the blogging world!!!!!!
"“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”
--Maria Robinson
Good luck Dana. And, don't think of things in terms of "Is it worth it?" Think of things in terms of "Are my son and I worth it?"
Cheers Pal!!
Buff, the problem with waiting (in my world) is that it gets to a point where doing nothing becomes more comfortable than doing something - and that is never good!
Doc, time has been waiting for me to take it!
DB, this analogy cracked me up because there has been a bandaid about the size of NY on this mess for the past year. It's going to HURT coming off!
Micky, I think my son is likely the only thing more important to me than Thin Mints!
Matt, in all honesty it's my son that is motivating me. I'm not sure I am at a point where I believe that *I* deserve better, but I know damn well *he* deserves better!
I’m so glad you’ve decided to end the fence sitting. Balancing up there is a ghastly way to live. As someone once wrote, “Throw your heart over the fence and the rest will follow.”
Nick, it's funny - I hadn't realized just how much energy is expended when one just tries to balance. What's even worse is that no one is happy!
My heart goes out to you. Email me and we'll talk. I think we have much in common.
I'm sorry your going to have to go through this Dana, but at least your taking action and refusing to stay in a situation that you know is wrong. You know you have our 100% support. Like Corky, we can't all be sober the whole time, but sometimes that's when the best support really comes out. ;-)
Apple, I've been so terrified of making a wrong decision that I heven't made ANY decisions. Quite honestly, making a decision - any decision - is somewhat of a relief.
Jay, I know it's not going to be fun (oh how I wish life was easy some times) but I'm looking forward to actually doing something to make the situation better.
Drunken support?? Only if y'all turn on your web cams *wink*
I think you know which side of the fence I want you to jump off to. And not just because I'm a lezbo! I love guys, but only the sweet ones.
YOU matter, not just your son! This is YOUR life. Throw that yoke off of your shoulders and get to livin' it!
DANA; First, thank you for the shout-out...Second...sorry for the mushy-shit! LOL
Third...I also sat on the fence for a long time prior to making the move to Memphis...see, I could not pack up and move and leave my son behind. So, I stayed in the house to be near him. Was the last 3-4 years worth it? In the end it was for him...for me? Not so much.
We are newly acquainted, but if you need an ear, I am told mine is welcomed.
RLL, just so you know, that's the direction I'm headed in. I won't say it's absolute - I don't know what will happen when I jump - but I *do* know that I can't let things keep going as they have.
Bond, mushy-shit has it's place - it gives me hope! You might look just as silly with one ear as I would look with three *giggle*
Dana,
I sat on that fence myself for many years, I have permanent indentations to prove it! ;-) Fourteen years ago I jumped. I had to, I was drowning in a hopeless marriage. I was so determined to hang in there, to MAKE it work..after all we looked like the "All American Family". People envied us, what we had, how perfect it all looked from the outside. I wore my game face as well as any hard hitting football player or Oscar winning actress. I was good at hiding behind that face. But inside I was a shell, empty, sad, and lost. One morning I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize the face that was staring back at me. Time was no longer my friend, it became a luxury that I could no longer afford. That was the day I jumped. It was the biggest leap of faith I have ever made. I have no regrets. No more hiding, no more pain. Over the years I have become re-aquainted with the woman I once was...and I like her. :-)
I wish you luck in whatever you choose to do. I am here if you ever need a friend to talk to.
Warm Hugs,
~Kimmie~
Kimmie's story sounds very familiar...
It is so wonderful when you wake one day and realize YOU are back... not the you that has been hiding because to do otherwise would cause problems...but the YOU that your life before has developed...
23 years of marriage and i was not me for the last 10 or so...i was that person who took the crap and kept my mouth shut...who lost opportunities to be with friends and family because it was not "conducive to the situation"
I like me and am so glad i am back...
Oh and Dana...My hair is long enough that it covers my ears, so no one will notice one missing.
I have tried to "jump" off the fence many times but for some reason I stay, why do we do this to ourselves? Change is scary though isn't it?
Kimmie had great advise.
and I was trying to be funny earlier to make you smile because during times like these we hardly smile, do we?
Kimmie, your story is very much like mine. From the outside looking in, it's beautiful. I appear to have so much and yet my life has been quite empty for a long time. Blogging has forced me to look at myself again, and I think that is a good thing.
Bond, I've had more than one person tell me how much I've changed in the last 5 years - from a strong, capable woman to something else - something not as good. I'd like to say that isn't true, but I know better.
Now, about that ear ... just where am I going to put it so that it won't cause a visit from the National Enquirer??
Jahooni, I can handle change - for me it's acknowledging "failure" that keeps me from jumping. It's only been recently that I realized failure would be staying on that fence!
And don't worry about making "light" of the situation - if I can't laugh I'm in BIG trouble!
well whoever said it doesnt hurt when you rip off the bandaid is usually the one doing the ripping...
OK...I am back again....December 2006, right after I had moved to Memphis and before the final decision was made to divorce, we all went to my parent's home in FL... one day as we were all walking around an outdoor mall in Palm Beach, dad turned to me and said (ex was not around btw)"so are you getting divorced?" I told him I thought it would happen as she was not coming to Memphis and it was probably for the best.
He looked at me and said "Well hopefully you will become Vinny again...I have not seen the real one in about 10 years and I know the only reason you are still together is because of Matt"
Hit me like a ton of bricks it did!
I'm back too... ;-)
Dana...I hope what I posted helped you even if it is in some small way.
Jahooni...I know exactly how you feel. I was terrified, but I jumped anyway. The unknown is a very scarey thing.
Bond...its sad when a person or relationship can cause us to disappear from one's own self.
DB...Tell me about it!
Bond...Matt was your glue. Thats awesome... :-)
Dana...if or when you decide to make that jump...lets all get together and have a P A R T E
. We can drink Wine and eat Thin Mints!!! Oh what fun that would be!!! Oh and don't forget the chocolate syrup! ;-) I'll bring some whip cream...
Hugs,
Kimmie
Jump Dana Jump! The fall will hurt but at least you are on the ground again.
I was SO there with my last marriage. My saving grace is that he was gone, alot, like 9 months out of the year. So, I was married, but single most of the time.
Deciding it was over, and deciding not to take the verbal and emotional abuse any longer, was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life. I was scared shitless. But I remember the day so well that I told him I wanted a divorce. Then he got scared, wanted to go to counceling, said he would do this, do that, blah blah blah. I didn't fall for it. It was over. It was hard. It was terrifying. It was SO worth it, to me and my children.
I wish you all the best, and if you need to talk, you have my email!
Whatever you decide, or don't I'm right here....when the time is right, the wind blows right, whatever it is that needs to be the trigger and you will know.
What a crappy place to be in. Ending a marriage would be difficult on its own, but add a child into the mix and things will get really challanging.
My first thought is I wish it would work out, but it sounds like that may not be possible.
I'm truly sorry you are faced with this decision and I hope as you move forward you'll find peace in your choices.
From your writing I see your beauty. I feel your pain. Ending it amicably is a BIG plus for all concerned. If that can be done you've got a great head start...
DB, I always know I'm in trouble when someone says, "This will just hurt a little"
Bond, I do believe that losing one's self is such a gradual process that you really don't notice until you are WAY gone!
Kimmie, you've got yourself a deal!
Bina, thank you for the well wishes!
Lee, you know the same is true from this side, right??
Jeff, it's actually three (one mine, one bio his and one adopted his) children and it does get complicated - primarily because the kids have developed "sibling" relationships over the last 5 years and since none of them are "shared" children, the adults will have to play nice to continue fostering these sibling relationships
Lu, I cannot believe how hard this was to get down in the blog. Sometimes I wish I hated him - it would be much easier!
I hope whatever you do turns out to be the right thing. I wish you all the grace God can give you in whatever you choose to do. Please take care of yourself and the boy
FMD
That was an issue for my Sister as well. She filed in April of last year and they went on vacation in July. Why? I asked. We always traveled well together she said. She loved him. He had issues she could not deal with any longer. I think if you asked her today she would say she is happier than she has been in too long a time. But before this a lot of tears fell.
Whatever you do and where ever your life leads you, I wish you only the best for you and your son!
God bless you, girl!
I told you once, as a friend, I'm here to support your decisions...
And yes... you are worth it.
SMOOCH
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