The first two weeks in the new place ... by the numbers

(17)   Days I've had keys to the new place
(15)   Nights I've slept in the new place
(0)     Boxes left to unpack
(348) Dollars I've spent on groceries
(49)   Times I've questioned my decision to have my adult son live with me
(.5)    Anxiety attacks since moving to the new place
(22)   Anxiety attacks in the final 30 days I lived with Mike
(2)     Clocks I've hung on the walls
(0)     Pictures I've hung on the walls
(12)   Teapots on display in the kitchen

(3)   Days I have not left the new place

(3)   Days I did leave the old place in the final 30 days I lived with Mike

(4)   Times I've had to contact the property management company

(1)   Major appliances that have been replaced

(0)   Times I've been able to check my mailbox

(30) Days my mail is on hold waiting for a mailbox key

(1)   Times I went out with the internet and happened upon the wiener-mobile  

Moving On

Photo Credit

It's been just short of 3 years since I left husband. In that 3 years, the family home has been in limbo - still filled with all of the things that represent who we were supposed to be.

You might remember that husband was insistent that he was not going to pay the mortgage on a home that he was not living in. Rather than fight, I chose to let him and the three cats live happily ever after in a 3,200 square foot abode while I move myself and Cam to a small 2-bedroom apartment. I thought husband was being ridiculous and selfish, but I wanted out more than I wanted to fight.

Selling the house hasn't been an option. We purchased it right before the real estate bubble burst - we aren't just upside-down on the house, we are upside-down and backwards, and my VA loan benefit is tied to it. A foreclosure or short sale would result in obliterating the likelihood of my ever owning a home again.

About 8 months ago, and after listening to husband bitch about living in a 3,200 square foot abode with 3 cats, I suggested that he consider renting the home out - becoming a landlord. That would allow him to move closer to his work (he's got a 90 minute commute each way), reduce his living expenses, and preserve my VA loan benefit as we wouldn't have to sell the house at a loss.

There was one little hiccup in the plan.

The house is filled with stuff - husband's stuff - my stuff - Cam's stuff. 

Lots of STUFF.

I have no storage in my apartment. I've put off moving the stuff out of the house for as long as I possibly can. Anything that I decide to keep will need to be put in a storage unit, and my budget doesn't allow for more than a closet sized storage unit.

That means I have to make some difficult decisions.

I have to pick and choose which memories to donate - which memories to trash - and which memories mean enough to me that I am willing to pay for storing them long term.

I am starting the process this morning.

I've committed to 4 hours with husband today. Although the process would be easier without him there, he is concerned that I might take something that is his.

Whatever ...

If that isn't bad enough, I'm terrified that I am going to toss or donate something that I want to keep and lose the memory.

This is more difficult than I thought it would be - than it should be - but it's time.

Friday Wrap-Up

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T (or is that M?) minus 7 days ...

This week has had its moments. There was a knock-down, drag out (figuratively) Tuesday night. Fortunately Cam wasn't home to hear it because, as has always been the case, Cam was blamed for all of husband's marriage woes. It's an excuse I am so very tired of hearing. Accept the responsibility of being a jackass and we might get somewhere.

There has been some discussion surrounding what I'll be taking. That has gone surprisingly well now that husband realizes I won't attempt to "clean him out" I'm not taking much. One of the biggest issues in this marriage has been the stuff. The need to keep accumulating more and more stuff. The value placed on stuff being higher than the value placed on family relationships. It looks like I'll need to pick up just a few things to make the apartment functional ... like curtains and curtain rods. Since when do apartments not have curtains and curtain rods??

I'll be taking next Friday off. I've got moving help for the big stuff. The remainder of the stuff I can just throw in the back of the car and move without packing it - the beauty of moving just a few blocks away.

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Woke up Thanksgiving morning to this:


I was NOT dreaming of a white Thanksgiving! Thank goodness we are early enough in the snow season that it just looked scary then melted.

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Speaking of Thanksgiving, although there was no celebration in this house, Cam and I did celebrate. We were invited to one of my co-worker's homes (whose husband just happens to be one of Cam's football coaches) and I actually accepted the invitation!

This move has required I find my "humble" again. By nature, I'm a proud person. I don't ask for help because I don't want to "owe" people, nor do I want to look like a charity case. I want to be able to take care of myself and Cam, but this process has required that I ask for help - financial help (I had to request an interest free loan from my employer to cover the apartment deposit and I had to turn in an application for free/reduced price school lunch for Cam) and emotional help when I feel like I just can't muddle through things alone any longer (like spending the Thanksgiving holiday with people who care about Cam and me).

It's not been easy asking for help, but it's been a gift - realizing the limitations of pride - acknowledging that allowing people to help us is a strength, not a weakness. It's given me a perspective like nothing else could!

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Delay of the Thin Mints, but it's Worth It!

I'm in a bit of a quandary (or obsessive funk, whichever you prefer). I've been playing up this damned Thin Mint HNT thing all week. Jahooni went out of her way to make it happen, I bought the chocolate syrup and the hot fudge, I was ready to go ... and then came the funk. Actually, I've been fighting the funk for what seems like an eternity a few months - grabbing the smiling face from the jar, putting it on each morning and pretending I'm happy. I thought it might just fool the funk. It didn't.

Then, I'm going through my Google Reader yesterday morning and stop for a quick rest next to Vince on the Big Leather Couch. If you haven't been there, you really should go - there is always great music playing and the atmosphere is quite comfortable. Anyway, I digress ...

His post yesterday was titled, Is It Worth It......? Now, y'all know how it is when you start reading a blog and you think, "Oh my ... how did he/she get in my head today?" I had one of those moments. Vince talked about evaluating the things in our lives to determine if they were "worth it." Now, he had some mushy shit romantic thoughts in there as well, but the "worth it" part really struck a chord with me.

For about the past year I've been doing some steady fence sitting in some very important parts of my life - specifically my marriage. I've been waiting for a lightening strike to my left tibia an epiphany to help me decide if it was time to buck up and give 100% to try to save the marriage, or if it was better to give 100% to ending it amicably. In that year I've watched my financial stability plummet and my self-esteem suffer greatly. I think it's likely that my son has lost respect for me due to my seeming inability to stand up for myself - or for him - in this situation. And yet I continue to precariously perch atop these white pickets.

You know, the longer you sit on the pickets, the more used to them you get, but as I was reading Vince's post I had to ask myself, "Is it worth it?" What is the price I am paying to sit on this fence? Would my husband pay the same price to sit where I've been sitting? Is it fair to ask my son to pay that price? It all became pretty damn clear - it's time to make a move. It's not going to be easy to get off that fence - I have semi-permanent indentations in my ass from sitting there so long and my legs have fallen asleep - but the price I am paying (and subjecting my son to) isn't worth it.

On that depressing thought light note, I can't seem to give Thin Mint HNT the attention it deserves. My mind just isn't there right now. Not to worry, there will be an HNT post, but it likely won't be like any of those you've seen before, and I hope there won't be any more like it in the future. I know that I can't do Jahooni's Thin Mint HNT justice tomorrow - not with where my head is right now - so I'll keep those boxes of asparagus cookies in the freezer, and the chocolate syrup in the pantry until I can do Jahooni justice ... or do Jahooni ... whichever comes first!