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T (or is that M?) minus 7 days ...
This week has had its moments. There was a knock-down, drag out (figuratively) Tuesday night. Fortunately Cam wasn't home to hear it because, as has always been the case, Cam was blamed for all of husband's marriage woes. It's an excuse I am so very tired of hearing. Accept the responsibility of being a jackass and we might get somewhere.
There has been some discussion surrounding what I'll be taking. That has gone surprisingly well now that husband realizes I won't attempt to "clean him out" I'm not taking much. One of the biggest issues in this marriage has been the stuff. The need to keep accumulating more and more stuff. The value placed on stuff being higher than the value placed on family relationships. It looks like I'll need to pick up just a few things to make the apartment functional ... like curtains and curtain rods. Since when do apartments not have curtains and curtain rods??
I'll be taking next Friday off. I've got moving help for the big stuff. The remainder of the stuff I can just throw in the back of the car and move without packing it - the beauty of moving just a few blocks away.
This week has had its moments. There was a knock-down, drag out (figuratively) Tuesday night. Fortunately Cam wasn't home to hear it because, as has always been the case, Cam was blamed for all of husband's marriage woes. It's an excuse I am so very tired of hearing. Accept the responsibility of being a jackass and we might get somewhere.
There has been some discussion surrounding what I'll be taking. That has gone surprisingly well now that husband realizes I won't attempt to "clean him out" I'm not taking much. One of the biggest issues in this marriage has been the stuff. The need to keep accumulating more and more stuff. The value placed on stuff being higher than the value placed on family relationships. It looks like I'll need to pick up just a few things to make the apartment functional ... like curtains and curtain rods. Since when do apartments not have curtains and curtain rods??
I'll be taking next Friday off. I've got moving help for the big stuff. The remainder of the stuff I can just throw in the back of the car and move without packing it - the beauty of moving just a few blocks away.
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Woke up Thanksgiving morning to this:
I was NOT dreaming of a white Thanksgiving! Thank goodness we are early enough in the snow season that it just looked scary then melted.
I was NOT dreaming of a white Thanksgiving! Thank goodness we are early enough in the snow season that it just looked scary then melted.
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Speaking of Thanksgiving, although there was no celebration in this house, Cam and I did celebrate. We were invited to one of my co-worker's homes (whose husband just happens to be one of Cam's football coaches) and I actually accepted the invitation!
This move has required I find my "humble" again. By nature, I'm a proud person. I don't ask for help because I don't want to "owe" people, nor do I want to look like a charity case. I want to be able to take care of myself and Cam, but this process has required that I ask for help - financial help (I had to request an interest free loan from my employer to cover the apartment deposit and I had to turn in an application for free/reduced price school lunch for Cam) and emotional help when I feel like I just can't muddle through things alone any longer (like spending the Thanksgiving holiday with people who care about Cam and me).
It's not been easy asking for help, but it's been a gift - realizing the limitations of pride - acknowledging that allowing people to help us is a strength, not a weakness. It's given me a perspective like nothing else could!
This move has required I find my "humble" again. By nature, I'm a proud person. I don't ask for help because I don't want to "owe" people, nor do I want to look like a charity case. I want to be able to take care of myself and Cam, but this process has required that I ask for help - financial help (I had to request an interest free loan from my employer to cover the apartment deposit and I had to turn in an application for free/reduced price school lunch for Cam) and emotional help when I feel like I just can't muddle through things alone any longer (like spending the Thanksgiving holiday with people who care about Cam and me).
It's not been easy asking for help, but it's been a gift - realizing the limitations of pride - acknowledging that allowing people to help us is a strength, not a weakness. It's given me a perspective like nothing else could!
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19 comments:
It's nice to know that you guys had somewhere to go for T-Day. I kno wsomeone very similar to you. And he doesn't like to ask for help either ; ).
Oft times, you'll find that you need not ask, and people who know you come forth on their own.
Your last paragraph happened to me yesterday. Asking for or allowing yourself to accept help is a strength. It's no different than the strength a person shows when they admit a personal problem, character flaw, or whatever. Cheers Dana!!
I hope you get through this year without turning into a nutcase. Perhaps next year will be better for you and Cam.
Matt-Man, we did have somewhere to go, once I set aside my self-defeating ideals. It was a wonderful afternoon/evening filled with laughter and great conversation. I couldn't have imagined a better day!
we're doomed, we'll be fine - in fact, we'll be better. I know there are challenges ahead, but o be able to face those without the underlying fear of repercussions will make it manageable!
Stuff is highly overrated. In future years, you will see others in need and be able to help them. Tough time tho'. Thanks for blogging. It puts small annoyances into perspective.
Being humble in that way is a hard thing for me also. I pride myself on being strong and responsible and self-sufficient. But it is an important lesson to learn and when you write about it, you teach me that I could survive something like that too. I am so proud of you and excited for the next chapter of things.
The jackass either doesn't know (or, more likely, doesn't care) about the permanent damage he's done. He's going to sow what he has reaped by his "pity parties."
You have to know this made me smile.
Madison, I agree - stuff is highly overrated! I had far less before marrying husband and was much happier. The really cool thing? Cam and I continue to volunteer at the Norther Illinois Food Bank - giving our time as it is what we have to give!
Karen, you could survive! It's difficult at times knowing that I can't do it all any more, but it makes me such a better person - knowing the place others in my position are coming from. Humble has offered me a healthy dose of empathy as well.
Al Penwasser, I'm not so sure he has the ability to see beyond himself. It's difficult to care when you can't comprehend anything beyond yourself.
Anndi, what? You like my dose of humble? It really has been a gift!
Egocentric behavior is common to adolescents. And men who've never really grown up. My father was so hung up on his problems and how much he was hurting that, when my mother gave him the heave-ho, he lost track of the five important things in his life-his children. The end result is that his kids left him, too. What makes it worse is that he has eleven grandkids, none of whom he's seen since they were toddlers/infants. So, the fool has lost his family. When people ask me if my father is still alive, I tell them I don't know. And how sad is that?
I think that's cool that you and Cam accepted the invitation to the dinner. I think this move is going to do you and Cam some good.
Next time this year you'll be having a Thanksgiving dinner of your own.
As far as stuff goes...it can be replaced.
I bet it was a great day :) I'm glad you and Cam had it. Is Cam excited about getting out? I can only imagine Dana. I bet it is scarey good.
I'm glad you and Cam were able to enjoy Thanksgiving. I was concerned that given the circumstances, it might not have been the case.
That was very cool that your friends offered you all a place at their table and that you *accepted*! What blessings you have now and more in store!
You'll get through it and be better off because of it. I know it.
Sometimes you give, sometimes you get.. A harder lesson is never taught... but we all have been there. Hang in there, all will be made clear..
Aw, man, Dana. Your husband and mine sound like the same person. Right down to the immature shirking of responsibility onto the shoulders of teenagers to the overwhelming need to prove one's worth through things and stuff and acquiring more, more, more. It is sad, really, people having no greater sense or purpose in life and subsequently finding fault in those who do value things like family and people and relationships...One of the main reasons I'm getting divorced, too.
As for finding your humility, you remind me of my sister -- who would rather starve than ask for help. It took me YEARS to get her to a place of being comfortable calling me to ask if she could borrow $20 for gas so she could get to work. She avoided coming to me with her problems because I had/have enough of my own and she didn't want to add to them. When she accepted that if I had something she needed and she suffered because she wouldn't allow me to help her also contributed to my "problems," she was finally able to ask for help when she needed it.
I'm glad you've got people to help you and the courage to ask.
Saying "I need you" is a hard thing to do, especially when it's in the form of a gracious employer or a kind coach. I'm proud of you for saying yes to their offer. You are taking great care of yourself and Cam. Thinking of you!
Can you believe I am just now getting around to reading blogs again?
This is a tough road you are facing. I think that in the end you will come out happier and stronger as a person.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and Cam!
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