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Been trying to decide what to blog about this week. I've got a few "business" posts in the hopper - like the story of Spc. Alexis Hutchinson who claims the Army forced her to make an agonizing choice between serving her country and taking care of her son - a story that was *gasp* sensationalized my the media. Or there is the post on BMI's - specifically the Illustrated BMI Categories I found on Flickr. It's interesting to see what BMI's translate into and why that really shouldn't be the only determination of health and fitness.
The problem? My head is filled with thoughts surrounding the move - it's only 4 days away. There were a few moments this holiday weekend where I stepped out of my comfort zone and told the truth knowing the truth would have a price. Like when husband asked if I'd rented a truck for the move and I told him that no, I hadn't. When he asked how I was planning on getting things out of the house I told him that I had arranged to use B & G's truck (friends of ours in town - G is our family hair stylist). He was NOT happy.
"Of all the people to tell you tell G? Now the entire town will know!" I reminded him that we live in a town of 3,500 - that the neighbors will see furniture leaving the house on Friday whether it's B & G who help move or someone else - that I've had to change our address with the school and with my employer. The town knows already. Anonymity is impossible here.
I'll admit it. I've been testing the "Dana" waters this past week. The reality of just who I had become (a doormat afraid of never being loved) and what I gave up to live up to that expectation has hit me hard. I am looking forward to being able to do things like go to PTO meetings and volunteer at church without being mocked and belittled. It wasn't until I had the strength to step away from the fear that I was able to see just how bad it had gotten.
Yesterday, as I was doing laundry, clarity smacked me up along side the head. Funny what dirty socks can do for you! I headed up to the bedroom to gather the clothes and husband said, "I threw a load in earlier. They are in the washer."
This was disturbing on several levels. You see, husband has NEVER done a load of laundry in the 7 years we've been together. My first overly hopeful thought was that he was attempting to do something nice - to show his appreciation. Ha! Silly me!
I asked him if he had thrown in any of my clothes with his load. He assured me he had a full load and couldn't possibly have added anything else. But when I moved the clothes from the washer to the drier (so that I could start mine and Cam's laundry) I found a very small load of clothes.
Part of me thought it was best to just let it go - with less than a week remaining here, why make waves? But there was a stronger part of me that said, "Screw this! I'm calling him on his crap!" ... and I did.
Not only had he done only his clothes when there was plenty of room to add mine, but he had intentionally picked my clothes out of the dirty laundry so as NOT to wash them. Anyone for a BIG helping of passive aggressive?
Initially he claimed he didn't know if my clothes required special washing instructions *cough*bullshit*cough* When I didn't buy that, he claimed it was that he needed to start doing things to make sure they got done because I might just stop doing anything for him now that I was leaving (I have not changed - AT.ALL - the way I do things these past few weeks) *cough*bullshit*cough* Then he finally admitted that he did it to show me he didn't need me. At which point I sincerely thanked him for being honest and went back upstairs to do my laundry. And yes, I did finish his clothes as well - folding them and putting them away.
Why? Because I am taking the high road in all of this. I will not stoop to his level and do things out of spite in an attempt to "hurt" him or "teach him a lesson." I will not allow him to drag me down into the kind of person he's become. I am better than that.
The problem? My head is filled with thoughts surrounding the move - it's only 4 days away. There were a few moments this holiday weekend where I stepped out of my comfort zone and told the truth knowing the truth would have a price. Like when husband asked if I'd rented a truck for the move and I told him that no, I hadn't. When he asked how I was planning on getting things out of the house I told him that I had arranged to use B & G's truck (friends of ours in town - G is our family hair stylist). He was NOT happy.
"Of all the people to tell you tell G? Now the entire town will know!" I reminded him that we live in a town of 3,500 - that the neighbors will see furniture leaving the house on Friday whether it's B & G who help move or someone else - that I've had to change our address with the school and with my employer. The town knows already. Anonymity is impossible here.
I'll admit it. I've been testing the "Dana" waters this past week. The reality of just who I had become (a doormat afraid of never being loved) and what I gave up to live up to that expectation has hit me hard. I am looking forward to being able to do things like go to PTO meetings and volunteer at church without being mocked and belittled. It wasn't until I had the strength to step away from the fear that I was able to see just how bad it had gotten.
Yesterday, as I was doing laundry, clarity smacked me up along side the head. Funny what dirty socks can do for you! I headed up to the bedroom to gather the clothes and husband said, "I threw a load in earlier. They are in the washer."This was disturbing on several levels. You see, husband has NEVER done a load of laundry in the 7 years we've been together. My first overly hopeful thought was that he was attempting to do something nice - to show his appreciation. Ha! Silly me!
I asked him if he had thrown in any of my clothes with his load. He assured me he had a full load and couldn't possibly have added anything else. But when I moved the clothes from the washer to the drier (so that I could start mine and Cam's laundry) I found a very small load of clothes.
Part of me thought it was best to just let it go - with less than a week remaining here, why make waves? But there was a stronger part of me that said, "Screw this! I'm calling him on his crap!" ... and I did.
Not only had he done only his clothes when there was plenty of room to add mine, but he had intentionally picked my clothes out of the dirty laundry so as NOT to wash them. Anyone for a BIG helping of passive aggressive?
Initially he claimed he didn't know if my clothes required special washing instructions *cough*bullshit*cough* When I didn't buy that, he claimed it was that he needed to start doing things to make sure they got done because I might just stop doing anything for him now that I was leaving (I have not changed - AT.ALL - the way I do things these past few weeks) *cough*bullshit*cough* Then he finally admitted that he did it to show me he didn't need me. At which point I sincerely thanked him for being honest and went back upstairs to do my laundry. And yes, I did finish his clothes as well - folding them and putting them away.
Why? Because I am taking the high road in all of this. I will not stoop to his level and do things out of spite in an attempt to "hurt" him or "teach him a lesson." I will not allow him to drag me down into the kind of person he's become. I am better than that.
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16 comments:
Bullsh*t like that would get me shot at my house. The clarity, necessity and righteousness of what you are doing will keep growing, Dana.
Well, you have to do whatever makes you feel like you are doing the right thing. There is no way in hell I'd be washing the socks and underwear of my husband if I were in your circumstances. But in life I am generally less concerned about taking the higher road than I am about taking care of myself.
I commend you. I could never do this. See, I don't see this as doing stuff to spite him. I have just come to realize that my time here in this existence is limited.
When communications break down like this, I can no longer afford to spend my time doing stuff for those that have basically told me to go fuck myself.
When I do things for my ex, I do them because it benefits the kids...nothing more.
" It wasn't until I had the strength to step away from the fear that I was able to see just how bad it had gotten."
That's how it was for me as well. The clarity that came after we were no longer together and I was 'away' from him....
Good luck! It's almost here!
Maybe you should get him in the kitchen the next couple of nights and teach him how to make mac & cheese (from the box) and Ramen Noodles? hahaha ;-)
Your finishing his laundry illustrates the class and dignity you are still showing throughout this difficult time.
It also clarifies his lack of same.
Stay strong...stay sane...
You have my support in anything you decide to do.
we're doomed, it was one of those moments where I was able to look at it for what it was - an indication of *his* character rather than a reflection of mine.
Karen, knowing that I wasn't doing it for him, but rather for me (because it was the right thing for me to do) is what made it nothing more than a task to be completed.
Joker_SATX, and I did this because it benefited me - not because it benefited him. It was actually quite selfish on my part.
Vixen, and I am now "away" from him - not falling into the emotional drama he so frequently throws my way. I'm sure the clarity will intensify once I'm physically away for a while as well.
Jay, oh, trust me - he has no problem with that. I cooked dinner for the "family" last night and he refused to eat it, choosing to make a box of mac & cheese instead.
Bond, but do I have your financial assistance should I need bail money??
Fear is a very powerful thing! I have made decisions based on fear that I so regret today!
Good luck to you & Cam!
Yes, to what Bond said. Exactly!
You ARE doing this, Dana! Just a few more days and you will finally be able to really breathe, and to really be you. I think you're going to be surprised at how quickly you adjust, and then truly know that you did the right thing.
Have I mentioned that we must be married to the same man? The Ex has done exactly this with my clothes.
I have learned, though, that calling him on his bullshit makes absolutely no difference whatsoever in the whole entire world. He is in his late 30's. He does not believe there is anything "change-worthy" about his behavior. He believes he is put-upon and the only one who has ever made sacrifices in this marriage (primarily because he works outside of the house and I've been a SAHM with our toddler).
Nothing I say to him, no matter how sound or obvious, is going to ever make him "see the light" or even truly understand what I'm saying or where I'm coming from. He doesn't care to get it because he believes he is right and that I am wrong and he's just tolerating me for the sake of "peace."
For that reason, I've pretty much taken to keeping my mouth shut, even when I'm faced with something as obvious as my clothes separated out of the very small load of laundry he just did.
*smile*
Good for you. You are in the home stretch now. Keep your chin up!
Feel the growth.
::cheers wildly::
YAY!!!!! I love it when you love yourself and know that you deserve more...and take the high road.
Maybe not bail money, but I am willing to stage a jail break for ya
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