God Didn't Eat His Vegetables

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I don't talk about religion much here, but I thought I'd throw all caution to the wind today. Hey! At least it's not a political post! Not to worry, I won't do this too often.

A little background first. I am not a huge fan of organized religion. My experience is that organized religion has started more wars and stirred up more hate than any other single entity. The number of people killed in the name of God, Allah, and the Flying Spaghetti Monster is mind boggling.

I was quite active in a church in my youth. It started out with being forced to attend with my parents on Sundays (let's look like a good Christian family on Sundays, then go home, have Dad drink a case or two a beer or two, physically and emotionally abuse the family and return to our normally dysfunctional family programming.) Lather, rinse, repeat.

It was in junior high school that things changed a bit. A good friend invited me to her church. They had a great youth program including an extensive music ministry. It was actually the opportunity for another performing venue that peaked my interest. Church was not only a place where I felt I belonged, but a place that was safe from the horrors at home. At a time when I felt no one loved me - no one cared - there were these people who claimed they did. Of course, they had no idea how deep my need for love was - I didn't dare tell them what was happening at home - the price of discovery was too high.

When my father finally left our home (I was 15), I left the church. I felt I didn't need "those" people any longer because my reason for attending - to escape from my father - had vanished. I spent the next almost 30 years with my back turned to organized religion and to any formal recognition of a God.

Sure, there were a few dabbles here and there. After Cam was born, I looked to find a church again, but it was a daunting task. I felt like an outsider - like I was being "measured up" for my ability to contribute to the church - as if somehow there was this foundation of the congregation whose expectations I had to meet before I was one of them. I found organized religion to be exclusionary and elitist rather than forgiving and accepting.

One of the things that has come up in counseling (which I am now attending alone until I am "fixed" - per husband's requirement) is the lack of a spiritual component within our family. No mention has ever been made as to what that should be, but there has been recognition that we really don't have one at all. Husband initiated a visit to a non-denominational, Christian Church (after it was suggested by the counselor) and we took the kids - exactly once.

But guess what? One of the kids (Cam) found something he liked in that church. It was time to step up to the plate to support Cam's interest in spite of my general distaste for organized religion. This was a decision Cam should be able to make independent of our (my) personal experiences. I'm sure it won't surprise those of you who have been reading me for a while that I was the one who would insure this happened. Cam has since become involved in the middle school youth group and he and I have been attending church regularly on Sundays.

Tuesday night, we'll be watching 8' tall vegetables prance around a stage. Cam has always had a bit of a fascination with Veggie Tales, thanks to an early indoctrination from a good friend of mine in Minnesota, and there will be a live show at the church this week. He's decided he isn't too old to attend and begged asked nicely if we could go.

Of course, my involvement in the church is only for the benefit of Cam. I couldn't possibly be getting anything out of this. Me? Wrong in my generalizations of organized religion? Me? Relinquishing control and considering the fact that there might be a force greater than myself in the world? Nah ....

Let's just say that this experience continues to make me reevaluate my stubborn unwavering beliefs and brings up far more questions than answers right now. But what I do know is that I'm never going to look at a cucumber quite the same after being introduced to "Larry" live on stage!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

TMI Tuesday

1. Is there a TV show you HAVE to watch? If so, what is it?

There aren't any TV shows I have to watch, but there are a handful I like to watch: House, Criminal Minds, CSI (Las Vegas - the original), Numb3rs and Law and Order: Criminal Intent are my top 5.

2. What is you favorite drink if you are going to drink more than one?

Non-alcoholic? Coffee, but none of that froo-froo-poo-poo soy vanilla whipped blah, blah, blah. Give me a cup of Joe, preferable STRONG, with a little bit of skim milk.

Alcoholic? Grey Goose Vodka on the rocks with a lime twist.

3. How long do you carry guilt around with you?

It depends on what the guilt relates to. I'm not one who generally feels "guilty" except when it comes to my son. When I know I've made a bad parenting decision - something that I think could have long-term impact on my son - I carry a great deal of guilt. I like to think that is somewhat "constructive" guilt. What is "constructive" guilt? It's the stuff that keeps me from making the same bone-headed mistake multiple times.

4. Where is or would be your number one romantic get away spot?

I'm a firm believer that romance is a "crime" of opportunity. It's not about the place - it's about the moment.

5. Have you ever seen a counselor?

Last Thursday!

I've actually seen a counselor at three different times in my life. The first time was in 1990 after my husband's suicide. I went for a few months - I should have gone much longer.

The second time was after I relocated, half way across the country, in 1998 - the result of a corporate buy-out. It was a difficult time for both Cam and I, but a friendly face to talk to once a week made the transition bearable.

Now I'm in round three of counseling and this time it's family counseling. Not sure of the outcome on this one, but having a sane, impartial voice in the process has been extremely helpful to me.

I used to think counseling was for weak people, but then I had an epiphany. It really takes a strong person to step outside of themselves and seek help.

Bonus (as in optional): Last summer the Archives of Sexual Behavior revealed the 237 reasons people have sex and the Top 50 Reasons Men and Women Have Sex. What are your top 5 reasons?

Here you go - in no particular order:

• I want to give the gift of sexual pleasure to someone else
• I want to feel desired
• I am sexually aroused and want the release
• I want to experience physical pleasure.
• I desire emotional and physical closeness (intimacy)

Sunday Secret

I often think, based on our current results, that marriage counseling isn't going to make our marriage work, but rather bring to light the fact that we should have never gotten married.

You know you're in trouble when …

You've got a new blog, only a handful of readers, and one of them (thanks Leighann) contacts you requesting an update! This will be a smattering of randomness as - fortunately - there haven't been any major, catastrophic events.

DH UPDATE

The DH situation is showing improvement. I've moved back into the bedroom, we are both spending less time on the computer and more time in the same room (actually having conversations) and he's being more cooperative in matters that involve Cam. I can only ask for progress, not perfection, and we seem to be moving in that direction. We've yet to contact a counselor, but I do see that happening in the next few weeks.

CAM UPDATE

Midterm report cards came out 2 weeks ago and Cam's Spelled A, A, A, B, C, F, F, F. Yes, you saw that right - THREE "F"'s! Now, I do feel somewhat responsible for this as it was at least partially due to a choice I gave him at the beginning of the year that I likely shouldn't have offered. He has shown an interest in being more responsible for himself, and I told him I would allow him to handle school *his* way as long as he maintained at least "C"'s in all of his classes. Well, clearly, that didn't happen and now we are playing a DIFFICULT game of catch-up. His teachers assure me that he can bring up those "F"'s to "C"'s, but it will require CONSTANT VIGILENCE (yes Tali, that was for you).

DANA UPDATE

I've had a few issues at work regarding billable hours (my lack of) which required some adjustments to my workday. I am now keeping track of all non-billable time as well as my billable time to account for every minute of my day. It's a CYA exercise, but one that I think is quite necessary at this point. It has also meant that Messenger was removed from my computer at work and I feel almost as if someone has put me in isolation, but I cannot ignore the priority of a steady income.

Other big news includes a visit from my mom. It's been over 5 years since I last saw her. Needless to say, we aren't exactly *close*. I talk to her on the phone maybe once every 2 or 3 months and email maybe monthly. So far, things have gone well - this is the first time she's met DH and they haven't yet killed each other. I'm a bit stressed about their relationship, especially after he told me this morning that my mother reminds him - a lot - of his ex-wife. Now there's a lovely thought!

We'll just have to see how the rest of the visit goes. She's here until Wednesday morning. I figure I'll likely be looking for the valium soon.