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Anyone who read the comments on my blog yesterday saw what happens when good blogging goes bad. This is a situation where my past has caught up with my present, even though I did my damnedest to leave it behind.
A little background. When I moved from Maryland back to Minnesota due to a company acquisition, I was in desperate need of some sort of support system. I was a single mom to a 2-year old, moving half way across the country to a place that held nothing but dark memories for me. I had no family that lived closer than 1500 miles, and not a single friend. It was a very difficult time in my life.
One day, while surfing the net, I came across a Single Moms email list that I thought might be helpful. I subscribed and built some very strong cyber friendships, and even a few amazing real life friendships. Sure, there were ups and downs on the list - any time you get a large group of women together there are plenty of opportunities for snarky cat fights - but overall it was just what I needed - a group of women who had been where I was that had made it through. That meant I could too!
Now, over the years there were some list members that I frequently butted heads with. My Anon commentor yesterday was one of those. She and I often saw things differently - from parenting to politics - and many a nasty word was said. We always were able to come to some resolution though, and life moved on.
Not long after starting HNT on my blog, one of the list members asked about it. I had one of those email brain farts where you reply to all rather than replying to the individual and posted the link to my blog to the entire Single Moms list. I knew the moment I hit send there would be hell to pay, and there was.
Although I am certain there were many on the Single Moms list who questioned my blog writings and HNT pics, two in particular were highly critical. In fact, I'd go so far as to call them petty. These two women did their best to shame me on a public list of women that I had grown to respect and who had grown to respect me. Each of them claimed to be doing it for my own "good." I attempted to "defend" myself for about a month, but every time the topic died down, one of the two would bring it up again. I asked, respectfully, that they stop reading the blog and/or that they stop discussing it on the Single Moms email list. I felt that I should be the one to decide if items posted to my blog belonged on the Single Moms list. They believed that because my blog was public, they should be able to bring up any part of it they wanted. *shrugs*
I decided to leave the list. It was difficult - many of these women had been around when I became a member of the list 10 years ago, but I was tired of trying to explain myself - tired of hearing the criticisms (I get enough of that at home) - tired of feeling I, once again, didn't belong. I didn't make some "I'm taking my ball and playing somewhere else" exit speech, I just quietly walked out the door and closed it behind me.
I was quite impressed with the blogger community I stepped into. Those of you who read me regularly, as well as those who just stop by for HNT, have been amazingly supportive. I know that you don't necessarily agree with what I'm doing all of the time, but you offer positive thoughts, stories and often just a smile. Those are the things that keep me going these days - that remind me that when I'm ready, I can make good decisions and have the life I deserve. I know that my life is a train wreck and I don't ever take your support as a blanket "atta-boy," but the positive way that y'all approach difficult situations has given me a different perspective.
Now I've got at least one of these two women (and I'm almost certain, both of them) coming out from behind the lurker curtain (they've both continued to read me over the past few months) to judge me - shame me - in yet another public forum. Sure, one of them claims this is about security - both mine and that of my family - (and to a certain extent I understand that) but there is always this underlying tone of how "wrong" I am for doing what I do.
This time they are on my playground, yet they had the audacity to bring their own rules. Neither of them seems to realize what a bad decision this is. I'm not quitting, and I'm not going away. I do have some concern that these two women know too much about me and may try to leverage that knowledge to "force" me out of blogging - to shame me even further. In their distorted, self-righteous lives, they believe I am harming myself and my family and that they need to "fix" me. They are entitled to their opinion, but it would be good for them to remember that I have just as much knowledge about them. I won't fight dirty, but I will fight fair.
Anyone who read the comments on my blog yesterday saw what happens when good blogging goes bad. This is a situation where my past has caught up with my present, even though I did my damnedest to leave it behind.
A little background. When I moved from Maryland back to Minnesota due to a company acquisition, I was in desperate need of some sort of support system. I was a single mom to a 2-year old, moving half way across the country to a place that held nothing but dark memories for me. I had no family that lived closer than 1500 miles, and not a single friend. It was a very difficult time in my life.
One day, while surfing the net, I came across a Single Moms email list that I thought might be helpful. I subscribed and built some very strong cyber friendships, and even a few amazing real life friendships. Sure, there were ups and downs on the list - any time you get a large group of women together there are plenty of opportunities for snarky cat fights - but overall it was just what I needed - a group of women who had been where I was that had made it through. That meant I could too!
Now, over the years there were some list members that I frequently butted heads with. My Anon commentor yesterday was one of those. She and I often saw things differently - from parenting to politics - and many a nasty word was said. We always were able to come to some resolution though, and life moved on.
Not long after starting HNT on my blog, one of the list members asked about it. I had one of those email brain farts where you reply to all rather than replying to the individual and posted the link to my blog to the entire Single Moms list. I knew the moment I hit send there would be hell to pay, and there was.
Although I am certain there were many on the Single Moms list who questioned my blog writings and HNT pics, two in particular were highly critical. In fact, I'd go so far as to call them petty. These two women did their best to shame me on a public list of women that I had grown to respect and who had grown to respect me. Each of them claimed to be doing it for my own "good." I attempted to "defend" myself for about a month, but every time the topic died down, one of the two would bring it up again. I asked, respectfully, that they stop reading the blog and/or that they stop discussing it on the Single Moms email list. I felt that I should be the one to decide if items posted to my blog belonged on the Single Moms list. They believed that because my blog was public, they should be able to bring up any part of it they wanted. *shrugs*
I decided to leave the list. It was difficult - many of these women had been around when I became a member of the list 10 years ago, but I was tired of trying to explain myself - tired of hearing the criticisms (I get enough of that at home) - tired of feeling I, once again, didn't belong. I didn't make some "I'm taking my ball and playing somewhere else" exit speech, I just quietly walked out the door and closed it behind me.
I was quite impressed with the blogger community I stepped into. Those of you who read me regularly, as well as those who just stop by for HNT, have been amazingly supportive. I know that you don't necessarily agree with what I'm doing all of the time, but you offer positive thoughts, stories and often just a smile. Those are the things that keep me going these days - that remind me that when I'm ready, I can make good decisions and have the life I deserve. I know that my life is a train wreck and I don't ever take your support as a blanket "atta-boy," but the positive way that y'all approach difficult situations has given me a different perspective.
Now I've got at least one of these two women (and I'm almost certain, both of them) coming out from behind the lurker curtain (they've both continued to read me over the past few months) to judge me - shame me - in yet another public forum. Sure, one of them claims this is about security - both mine and that of my family - (and to a certain extent I understand that) but there is always this underlying tone of how "wrong" I am for doing what I do.
This time they are on my playground, yet they had the audacity to bring their own rules. Neither of them seems to realize what a bad decision this is. I'm not quitting, and I'm not going away. I do have some concern that these two women know too much about me and may try to leverage that knowledge to "force" me out of blogging - to shame me even further. In their distorted, self-righteous lives, they believe I am harming myself and my family and that they need to "fix" me. They are entitled to their opinion, but it would be good for them to remember that I have just as much knowledge about them. I won't fight dirty, but I will fight fair.
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42 comments:
I had to go back to yesterday's post and see what the brouhaha was all about- you'll like my new comment, I think... Before creating a Blog, I skipped all that "chat group" crap, apparently for all the right reasons. Write and show what you want- it's the only freedom of the press still in existence!
I'm amused that they have nothing better to do in their own lives. No children to tend to? No husbands? No extended family? No job? Hobbies?
Perhaps they should take up a charity. Find someone who needs all of the attention that they have to give.
Must be nice to have all the weeds out of your own garden, so that you can go *hoe* someone else's.
I also had to go back to yesterday to see what this was about.
They are the ones with sad lives if they have to spend time lurking and making nasty comments.
As I have always said about television or radio shows that someone might find offensive..there is a button on each that turns it OFF and you can not be offended any longer.
To your two lurkers..hit the OFF button and go spend your time doing things you enjoy.
It is also like the survey WNBC Radio did when Howard Stern joined their station in NY. People who liked the show listened for about 30 minutes a day. When asked why their response was "To see what he will say next".
Those who claimed they hated Stern spent an hour a day listening. When asked why they said "To see what he will say next"
Interesting.
Buff, I loved your comment on yesterday's post! I have found a handful of chat groups that aren't too bad, and generally, this one wasn't either - there were just a few folks who took things a bit too far.
RLL, I think the most ironic thing in all of this is that neither of them have "ideal" lives - at least not so ideal that they are in a position to pass judgment.
Bond, again, ironic as it is, these women both reminded me that I had a DELETE button for email - that if I didn't like what they said I always had the option of DELETING their posts.
Ah so that one comment turned into hell yesterday, eh? I hope you don't feel as if my lack of participation was somehow condoning what they were saying. I was just hoping it wouldn't turn into all out war on your blog and so I chose to not say anything.
Unfortunately women like this need to go pick on other people to mask their problems. It makes them feel better about their lives if they can find fault with others. Don't let it get to you. *hugs*
We cannot please everyone, but as adults we should be respectful of other opinions or decisions.
I am never one to hold back in a comment if I don't agree with something, but I also don't judge or try to manipulate or hurt anyone. Dissenting comments sometimes spark great conversations. But being a rude or a bully is unacceptable.
I am sorry these women have nothing better to do with their time than try to make your life difficult.
I really love when I find a blogger such as yourself who is willing to completely open up to their readers. That is why we all love you. It pisses me off to no end when some brat comes along to harass you because they have the assumption they know what is best for everyone. Don't they realize there is nothing malicious here? Nothing but them.
I know you won't let this change the way you write your blog and I really respect you for that. It's hard to put up with the criticisms especially when it is a personal attack. You have done a wonderful job responding.
I don't see how picking on another woman/mom's choices in the name of "her own good" does anyone any good.
Good for you for standing up to her!!
Oh, and I didn't comment over on the vlog post but it was great!! Sandwich made me hungraay. It looked freaking awesome!
I can't say anything better than what's already been said. I hope you know you have my unconditional love and support.
Never trust anyone who says that they're "doing it for your own good."
This entire incident is a microcosm of this trend of the burgeoning, "Nanny State".
Everyone has the need to be in everyone else's bizness, "for their own good".
I think a more approprite term for this should be, the "Ninny State".
Fuck em'. Cheers Dana!!
Tali, I had hoped it would all just go away as well, so no hard feeling about your desire to stay out of it! It's a sophomoric game, and one that I sure thought I had opted out of!
Karen, I think bully is the best term I've heard yet!
Knight, they chased me away from "their" playground - they will not chase me away from mine!
M, I never did either. It's one thing to make your position known, and something malicious to attempt to shove your position down someone else's throat! So to speak ...
Apple, the blogging world has its idiots - just like the real world - but most who blog are here for the very same reasons I am and as such, are quite a bit less judgmental.
Matt-Man, NINNY STATE - PERFECT! I'll drink to that!
I was a member of a mothering board for about five years, and I still visit occasionally, but it was so cliquish and some of them were so judgmental. I got tired of it.
I have no idea what these people have to gain by hounding you?
Are they mean or just petty?
Anyway, you have no reason to defend yourself against these baseless attacks.
I dealt with a couple people who I thought were friends that turned nasty by just deleting their nasty comments. After a while they just gave up and went away.
My wife has similar experiences with the same thing. It is sad that some people ruin it for others. Stick to your guns hon. You can choose to not publish their comments and take their voice away, discard it like so much rubbish.
My ploicy, if you can't comment anything nice, then don't comment at all. :)
Dana,
Be rest assured that they are making a HUGE mistake! HUGE!
I think you have a tremendous amount of support here. I also think you have quite a number of blogger friends that know resources they can deploy in order to "take care of things".
So if they are reading this, Flyinfox will give a very strict word of warning! Don't!
'Nuff Said!
Flyinfox_SATX
Dana: How dare you be human. How dare you reach out beyond yourself for comfort and understanding. How dare you admit that life ain't perfect, that marriage ain't grand, that kids are hard, that you struggle. How dare you put your very humanity up for examination.
There will always be those that think that the darker side of life belongs in the silent shadows. I feel sad for them, because they'll never know the strength of community, nor the power of unconditional support.
You have found something here that few get to experience.
I hope that their nastiness and vitriol serve as nothing more than a showcase of the kind people we are not.
Biscuit, I have to draw the line at friendships that take more than they give, and that had become the case with the single moms list.
Hammer, after all of these cynical years, I am still a glass half-full kind of gal, so I have to assume that in some deranged, convoluted way, these women think they are doing the "right" thing, but they've got to have figured out that I am a lost cause!
G-Man, I'm telling you, women are strange creatures. They seem to take more pleasure in making sure someone is miserable than they do in congratulating them on something well done.
Flyinfox, I don't anticipate the need for a cyber hit, although I *do* have both of their ISP's *wink*
Boo(duh), I made the mistake of opening up on the Single Moms list - of allowing myself to be vulnerable - only to be put in my place. Really, I will not let them take that away from me again.
Lord! I don't know what else to say because the other's did it so well.
Can you make it so those women can't even read your blog? Dang, who needs people like that in blog land anyway. Tell them to shove their self-righteous bullshit up their tight pin hole asses and go bother someone else.
I just want to say I like you. I like that you stand up for what you believe. That you have the courage of your convictions. That you don't take yourself too seriously. That you have a good heart. That I'm blessed to have "met" you.
I'm really sick and tired of all these Judgy McJudgersons trying to tell everyone how to live their lives and all that shit. I say let's go tear these people's lives apart and pick every scab we come across and see how much they enjoy it.
Dana,
Do they not relise that you are very loved here and have many, many, many friends who will go to the wall for you?
Take some advice ladies....GO AWAY and BE GONE or you may not like the out come here. This is her blog and we are loyal readers......Don't mess with our girl!
You are strong darling. Fierce. I hate on-line conflicts, hell, I hate ALL conflicts, but sometimes they can not be avoided. Not everyone will agree on everything, fact of life, but there is a kind way and respectful way to voice an opinion. Flaming sucks. The end. I respect your candor.
Girlfriend...Don't take this to heart. I love your blog, and that you put yourself out there. Wish I could do the same, maybe soon. Eff the biotches is what I say, only harsher!! They're just jealous cuz you gots balls!!
so what! I have had some situations during my blogging tenure and I chalk it up to 'its their problem not mine' so pay them no mind....everyones good on the sidelines but how well do they play the game?
Dana I typed a comment earlier that didn't post, blogger crapiculty. I commented to Anon before blogger went wack on the post she spewed forth her bile. If there is a fight my money is on you. I'm not sure if this is where I said it and it didn't stick, but I can't stand someone raining on somebody's parade. Fuck those people. I get crushed by lots of folks and that is why I don't put it all out there. More power to you. You rock babe :) I don't think you would jepordize Cam nor do I think you have. Hey Anon'/Five skip out of our blog world will ya! Oh do I sound a bit pissed, nope, I'm a lot pissed off.
You are dealing with some sick, perverted people. Eventually they will go away. If they persist, set your blog "private" for a while. You won't get the sickos bothering you.
They are really bored and backward people. There is no help for there kind.
Besides that, they lead pathetic, hum drum lives. Jealousy also gets into the picture.
There will always be broads out there who want to try and rain on your parade. Always someone out there who will try to cut you down and use the excuse that they're only doing it for your own good. As long as you can face yourself truthfully in the mirror most days, don't worry about anyone else telling you what you need to be doing. Keep your head up darlin'.
Bina, the only way to keep people away from the blog is to make it "private" which would require that I invite everyone who is "safe." I'd like to avoid that if possible.
Anndi, thank you!
Jay, "Judgy McJudgersons" ... Ha! These two certainly have some skeletons in their closets!
Cat, I really do believe that the root problem here is that they don't see the difference between support and approval. They feel that support requires approval, which is unfortunate!
Claudia, I don't mind conflict, especially when I'm right - which fortunately is most of the time (KIDDING!!!)
Schmoop, you made it!! Thanks for stopping by and for the kind words!!
DB, clearly I have a bit of an advantage in this game.
Lu, I knew you would be sympathetic to this issue as I know we almost lost blogging Lu for these very reasons.
Richard, I am most definitely dealing with some highly judgmental people who believe nudity is sexual. I couldn't disagree more!
Amorous, I learned long ago that it is not my place to determine someone's "own good" just as I never *know* what another person feels. Both positions are like a slap in the face!
I am glad you are taking the high road, no matter how rocky or curvy that route may take you.
You are a sweetheart Dana. Don't let the b*tch's with the brooms up their a**'s get to you.
People who live in glass houses, shouldn't throw stones.
(((Hugs)))
For those of you counting, I had to come back 3 different times to read the rest of these comments for the last two posts. But at least I'm commenting publicly about it.
Two things that drive me bananas: Idiots and Ignorance. These "outsiders" seem to be swimming in both. Do your thing your way on your blog and let them go do theirs on their blogs. Or put out that cyber hit and let's go fuck these bitches up!! ;)
I do admire your strength in the way you've handled this thus far.
why is it that some bitchie people feel the need to try and 'fix' everyone elses lives....but their own?? You stated your case very elequently and I applaud you. ;)
" I won't fight dirty, but I will fight fair"....that should make them nervous.
We all have our imperfections kiddo...I'm betting theirs are much worse...if the truth be known.
You rock sister!
There are a few people who write blogs that they would be entirely happy to share with all their acquaintances from other background, where there would be no conflict.
I suspect they're few though. For the rest of us, it's a tricky line to follow. I'm just pleased that when two of your lines collided you felt you'd had support.
I'm also pleased (now I stop to think about it) that you're not letting a handful of prudes with their rush to judgement stop you doing what you want to do :)
Keep up the good work!
Why do they not understand that it is YOUR blog & that means YOU get to post whatever YOU want to on it? How do they know what your family is feeling concerned about anyways?
As for what we choose to do on Thursdays, I'm a proud participant of HNT. Sure, I've posted photos that I wouldn't necessarily want everyone I've ever met to see, but HNT isn't about porn or sex. It has helped me make (real life) friends that I otherwise wouldn't have found. It has also helped me become a better person & if the haters can't see through to that....well, they don't have to visit us, do they?
OK, so I had to retrace my steps and read what Anon write. Don’t let her hassle you, Dana. When I pastor, I receive more than a few “anonymous” letter about everything from the topic of my last sermon to the “floozies” in the congregation. I learned long ago to look at the signature on a letter before reading it. If it’s signed “anonymous” or (usually) unsigned, I discard the letter without reading it. I believe that to be the only sane way to deal with such cowardly shit.
1st time on your blog, read the last post.
gosh that Anon needs to get a life & stop reading or worrying about yours.
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