I suffer a great deal of anxiety over everyday tasks. Things as simple as making a phone call to order pizza, or going to the market to pick up a few items, take a great deal of emotional energy as I have an extreme, consistent, and sometimes, nearly debilitating fear, of being judged or embarrassed by my actions, words or appearance - especially by strangers. I know how unreasonable and illogical this is, making the situation even more difficult to confront rationally. The internet, and blogging, have made it much easier to interact with "real" people.
Showing posts with label judgment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label judgment. Show all posts
28 June 2008
Sunday Secret
I suffer a great deal of anxiety over everyday tasks. Things as simple as making a phone call to order pizza, or going to the market to pick up a few items, take a great deal of emotional energy as I have an extreme, consistent, and sometimes, nearly debilitating fear, of being judged or embarrassed by my actions, words or appearance - especially by strangers. I know how unreasonable and illogical this is, making the situation even more difficult to confront rationally. The internet, and blogging, have made it much easier to interact with "real" people.
22 June 2008
When Good Blogging Goes Bad
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Anyone who read the comments on my blog yesterday saw what happens when good blogging goes bad. This is a situation where my past has caught up with my present, even though I did my damnedest to leave it behind.
A little background. When I moved from Maryland back to Minnesota due to a company acquisition, I was in desperate need of some sort of support system. I was a single mom to a 2-year old, moving half way across the country to a place that held nothing but dark memories for me. I had no family that lived closer than 1500 miles, and not a single friend. It was a very difficult time in my life.
One day, while surfing the net, I came across a Single Moms email list that I thought might be helpful. I subscribed and built some very strong cyber friendships, and even a few amazing real life friendships. Sure, there were ups and downs on the list - any time you get a large group of women together there are plenty of opportunities for snarky cat fights - but overall it was just what I needed - a group of women who had been where I was that had made it through. That meant I could too!
Now, over the years there were some list members that I frequently butted heads with. My Anon commentor yesterday was one of those. She and I often saw things differently - from parenting to politics - and many a nasty word was said. We always were able to come to some resolution though, and life moved on.
Not long after starting HNT on my blog, one of the list members asked about it. I had one of those email brain farts where you reply to all rather than replying to the individual and posted the link to my blog to the entire Single Moms list. I knew the moment I hit send there would be hell to pay, and there was.
Although I am certain there were many on the Single Moms list who questioned my blog writings and HNT pics, two in particular were highly critical. In fact, I'd go so far as to call them petty. These two women did their best to shame me on a public list of women that I had grown to respect and who had grown to respect me. Each of them claimed to be doing it for my own "good." I attempted to "defend" myself for about a month, but every time the topic died down, one of the two would bring it up again. I asked, respectfully, that they stop reading the blog and/or that they stop discussing it on the Single Moms email list. I felt that I should be the one to decide if items posted to my blog belonged on the Single Moms list. They believed that because my blog was public, they should be able to bring up any part of it they wanted. *shrugs*
I decided to leave the list. It was difficult - many of these women had been around when I became a member of the list 10 years ago, but I was tired of trying to explain myself - tired of hearing the criticisms (I get enough of that at home) - tired of feeling I, once again, didn't belong. I didn't make some "I'm taking my ball and playing somewhere else" exit speech, I just quietly walked out the door and closed it behind me.
I was quite impressed with the blogger community I stepped into. Those of you who read me regularly, as well as those who just stop by for HNT, have been amazingly supportive. I know that you don't necessarily agree with what I'm doing all of the time, but you offer positive thoughts, stories and often just a smile. Those are the things that keep me going these days - that remind me that when I'm ready, I can make good decisions and have the life I deserve. I know that my life is a train wreck and I don't ever take your support as a blanket "atta-boy," but the positive way that y'all approach difficult situations has given me a different perspective.
Now I've got at least one of these two women (and I'm almost certain, both of them) coming out from behind the lurker curtain (they've both continued to read me over the past few months) to judge me - shame me - in yet another public forum. Sure, one of them claims this is about security - both mine and that of my family - (and to a certain extent I understand that) but there is always this underlying tone of how "wrong" I am for doing what I do.
This time they are on my playground, yet they had the audacity to bring their own rules. Neither of them seems to realize what a bad decision this is. I'm not quitting, and I'm not going away. I do have some concern that these two women know too much about me and may try to leverage that knowledge to "force" me out of blogging - to shame me even further. In their distorted, self-righteous lives, they believe I am harming myself and my family and that they need to "fix" me. They are entitled to their opinion, but it would be good for them to remember that I have just as much knowledge about them. I won't fight dirty, but I will fight fair.
Anyone who read the comments on my blog yesterday saw what happens when good blogging goes bad. This is a situation where my past has caught up with my present, even though I did my damnedest to leave it behind.
A little background. When I moved from Maryland back to Minnesota due to a company acquisition, I was in desperate need of some sort of support system. I was a single mom to a 2-year old, moving half way across the country to a place that held nothing but dark memories for me. I had no family that lived closer than 1500 miles, and not a single friend. It was a very difficult time in my life.
One day, while surfing the net, I came across a Single Moms email list that I thought might be helpful. I subscribed and built some very strong cyber friendships, and even a few amazing real life friendships. Sure, there were ups and downs on the list - any time you get a large group of women together there are plenty of opportunities for snarky cat fights - but overall it was just what I needed - a group of women who had been where I was that had made it through. That meant I could too!
Now, over the years there were some list members that I frequently butted heads with. My Anon commentor yesterday was one of those. She and I often saw things differently - from parenting to politics - and many a nasty word was said. We always were able to come to some resolution though, and life moved on.
Not long after starting HNT on my blog, one of the list members asked about it. I had one of those email brain farts where you reply to all rather than replying to the individual and posted the link to my blog to the entire Single Moms list. I knew the moment I hit send there would be hell to pay, and there was.
Although I am certain there were many on the Single Moms list who questioned my blog writings and HNT pics, two in particular were highly critical. In fact, I'd go so far as to call them petty. These two women did their best to shame me on a public list of women that I had grown to respect and who had grown to respect me. Each of them claimed to be doing it for my own "good." I attempted to "defend" myself for about a month, but every time the topic died down, one of the two would bring it up again. I asked, respectfully, that they stop reading the blog and/or that they stop discussing it on the Single Moms email list. I felt that I should be the one to decide if items posted to my blog belonged on the Single Moms list. They believed that because my blog was public, they should be able to bring up any part of it they wanted. *shrugs*
I decided to leave the list. It was difficult - many of these women had been around when I became a member of the list 10 years ago, but I was tired of trying to explain myself - tired of hearing the criticisms (I get enough of that at home) - tired of feeling I, once again, didn't belong. I didn't make some "I'm taking my ball and playing somewhere else" exit speech, I just quietly walked out the door and closed it behind me.
I was quite impressed with the blogger community I stepped into. Those of you who read me regularly, as well as those who just stop by for HNT, have been amazingly supportive. I know that you don't necessarily agree with what I'm doing all of the time, but you offer positive thoughts, stories and often just a smile. Those are the things that keep me going these days - that remind me that when I'm ready, I can make good decisions and have the life I deserve. I know that my life is a train wreck and I don't ever take your support as a blanket "atta-boy," but the positive way that y'all approach difficult situations has given me a different perspective.
Now I've got at least one of these two women (and I'm almost certain, both of them) coming out from behind the lurker curtain (they've both continued to read me over the past few months) to judge me - shame me - in yet another public forum. Sure, one of them claims this is about security - both mine and that of my family - (and to a certain extent I understand that) but there is always this underlying tone of how "wrong" I am for doing what I do.
This time they are on my playground, yet they had the audacity to bring their own rules. Neither of them seems to realize what a bad decision this is. I'm not quitting, and I'm not going away. I do have some concern that these two women know too much about me and may try to leverage that knowledge to "force" me out of blogging - to shame me even further. In their distorted, self-righteous lives, they believe I am harming myself and my family and that they need to "fix" me. They are entitled to their opinion, but it would be good for them to remember that I have just as much knowledge about them. I won't fight dirty, but I will fight fair.
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