For many years I've worked hard to keep myself isolated from feeling - from caring - and from being cared about. I've let my "protective" guard down recently, with a select handful of people, and it scares me to feel again, especially when those feelings include sorrow, frustration and dare I say it? Affection.
20 comments:
Having an emotional "firewall" keeps us from feeling every hurt or insult the world can hurl... I was blessed with a bullet-proof Ego, which spares me from most criticsms- as they are usually wrong! See what I mean? :)
you say 'affection' like its a bad thing...who doesnt love to be loved?
Oh dear God no! Not "AFFECTION!!"
LOL ;-)
It can actually be very, very scary!
Dana~
*Big Hugs* your way. Kahuna and I know it can be terrifying. But, it can be so beautiful! We wish you all the best and hope this is your chance for positive things!
~Babushka and Kahuna
Buff, the bad part about that "firewall" is that it keeps the good stuff out too!
DB, affection is an intimidating thing!
Jay, it IS very, very scary!!
I like your secret this week. Welcome back. It IS scary - and wild, and wonderful all at once. I hope you like roller coasters!
Emotional walls are the hardest to bring down, and showing and feeling affection can be too scary! I'm talking about my true life drama at the moment and it brings all those fears back, even ten years later....
We only get out of life as much as we are willing to put into it. Everything is a risk, especially affection because it might not be returned. Use your instincts/gut feeling about people and "go for it."
I've met very few people that truely had "bulletproof egos." Mostly its an imaginary wall we invent that's full of sieves. An "Emotional firewall" will help you get through life with a minimum of meaningful contact with other people. A great way to avoid intimacy and a shitty way to live life.
*puts another crack in the wall* It is scary and sometimes does involve pain, even in the best of relationships. Being able to feel is better than living life in an anesthetized safe zone though. If it takes a tunnel, I'm coming in after you <3
The only secret about that is that most people probably feel the same way. Cheers Dana!!
Dana, as I read this post my mind was filled with these lyrics:
A winter's day
In a deep and dark
December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
I, too, have been there.
Hugs and blessings, my dear friend
Let it out....scary but better than the isolation
Tearing down the wall is SO worth it.
Just like with the rainbow...without rain, there just ain't gonna be no pretty rainbow.
A quote from your Southern friend in honor of your trip to TX! :)
Hope you're having a blast!
Awww...I *puffy pink heart* you too, Dana!
Seriously though...I, too, am working on that wall. It is scary as shit and sometimes causes me to have lapses in choices. I just keep trudging along...each day is a fresh start. Hopefully one of these days I won't have to start over completely.
I can certainly understand how you feel. At times I put up a wall as well. However, when the opportunity presents itself I never miss the ability to let down the guard and be vulnerable for awhile. Sometimes I find this refreshing....
Flyinfox_SATX
Dana, I myself try to act 'above the curve' but I always back down. Life is too short to be bitter.
I could give you the "Tis better to have loved and lost..." blah blah speech...
But I won't.
I'm just glad you've opened yourself up to some damn lucky people.
SMOOCH
I am glad you are opening up. From everything I have read here you have so much to give. The people you are breaking down the walls for are very lucky.
I can understand your hesitancy...but...There is so much out there to experience....and it's so much more fun when you have close loved ones by yourside...so that later on...when you 've only got your memories....you'll have someone to share those with. :)
You're a very strong woman....I know you can do it...it's just a matter of time...maybe?
Thanks for sharing the vlog!
Post a Comment