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I'm in a mood. One of those moods where I just want to crawl into the comfort and solitude of a deep, dark hole for a few days, shutting everyone and everything out. I've been fighting this mood for quite some time - a few months maybe? I'm tired of putting on the happy face for everyone. I'm tired of lying and answering "fine" when asked how I am. I'm tired of thinking, and doing and feeling. I'd throw writing in there too, but right now? I think it's one of the few things in my life providing me anything even resembling sanity.
So, rather than writing some piece of crap opinion piece and pretending everything is just ducky, I thought I'd do a "stream of consciousness" meme (modified to just 10 ideas and stolen from [HERE]). One of those with open ended statements that allow you to just spew whatever nonsense first comes to mind. Maybe it will work as a mind cleanse ... *crosses fingers*
So, rather than writing some piece of crap opinion piece and pretending everything is just ducky, I thought I'd do a "stream of consciousness" meme (modified to just 10 ideas and stolen from [HERE]). One of those with open ended statements that allow you to just spew whatever nonsense first comes to mind. Maybe it will work as a mind cleanse ... *crosses fingers*
- I’ve come to realize that my job. . . is really nothing more than a job and that I am as important to my employer as his yellow highlighter is.
- I’ve come to realize that when I’m driving. . . I often end up so far in my head that I block out entire chunks of the drive. It scares me.
- I’ve come to realize that I need. . . a lot emotionally, although I do my best to hide that "flaw."
- I’ve come to realize that I have lost. . . all respect for myself.
- I’ve come to realize that I hate it when. . . I feel left out. And it happens more than I'd like to admit.
- I’ve come to realize that certain people. . . aren't intentionally mean, they are just oblivious to the impact of their actions and the power of their words. It's not personal.
- I’ve come to realize that life. . . isn't fair and never presents the circumstances you thought it would.
- I’ve come to realize that my friends. . . don't know me as well as I'd like them to because I'm afraid to show them the "real" me and lose them all.
- I’ve come to realize that maybe I should. . . just give up my dreams. It's far less painful to not have any dreams than it is to watch them shatter.
- I’ve come to realize that I’m totally terrified. . . of my own success - sabotaging any chance I have of seeing it come to fruition.
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25 comments:
In all likelihood your fourth realization is the root cause of your malaise.
And...That realization may be primarily due to the other things you list. Looking at your list of epiphanies it appears that you half lost respect for yourself because you allow others to have more influence over your life than you exert yourself.
I'm not being mean here, but you may knowingly or unknowingly like that influence being leveled on you even if it is negative because it gives you an excuse as to why you're not happy or where you want to be.
As you said, "giving up dreams...is less painful"...and therefore easier.
If you can also somewhow blame your giving up on others that would be a bonus.
A bonus until you're alone with your thoughts and realize you and you alone are the arbiter of your own fate.
Cheers!!
I think I will steal this. I get in those dark moods sometimes too. Sometimes you just need to recharge and regroup.
Matt-Man, you know, maybe I just don't know myself as well as I think I do, but I am always blind sighted when a commenter states that I play the "victim," or maybe I'm using a different definition of "victim."
You are certainly not the first one to put these thoughts out there. What's interesting is that I despise - even loathe - *myself* for the life I've created. I take full and complete responsibility - to the point of ultra responsibility - for this life of mine. I don't want people to feel sorry for me - I don't blame others (in my head and heart, however it may not come out that way in my written words) - no one did this to me but me.
I'm sure this sounds defensive but it's not. If I were to read my own words without knowing what's in my heart I have no doubt I'd see them much the same way you do. I *wish* I could blame others - that would make life much easier!
Karen, steal away! If you want the entire 35 (or 36, can't remember) prompts you can click on the link in the post.
Happy faces suck. Be dark when you're dark. It's the first step to being the "real you."
I don't make my observations or comments from the point of view of someone who pretends to be an amateur shrink. My point of view comes from hearing the same things from you that I felt and said to myself a few years ago. I just decided to change things.
And you're right...I do many times see you playing the victim, but perhaps not as you or most think.
Playing the victim doesn't have to be a, loud, wailing "Oh woe is me. Why doesn't anyone love me? Why do people do these things to me?" thing.
It can be quietly etched in one's mind in a much more subtle way so a person can rationalize his/her failures and shortcomings.
Been There...Done That...Won't do it again.
Cheers!!
I do the same when driving...
I don't see you as a victim personally. What I see scares me because it is so close to what I was some 5 -6 years ago.
Sure to the outside world all was well, but inside I was just disappearing.
All that I was began to slowly melt away and I became a shell.
It was the opportunity to come to Memphis that helped to change all that, so it was a bit easier for me.
What you need to do is decide how much more of this life you want to endure and when you want to become the old you, when you respected yourself.
As I have said before...only you can make that decision.
They say the truth shall set you free, but sometimes you have to have to temper it with optimism.
Real Live Lesbian, to a certain extent, I feel I *must* put on a happy face with Cam. He shouldn't be burdened with adult worries. Being dark (publicly) is not my nature, but you may be right - it may be what I need to do.
Matt-Man, I know - without a doubt - that you speak from being in a similar place. That I'm not "special" in this place - many have been here before me - many will be here after me. I don't do major change well. I am strangely comforted by the "security" of routine and sameness. Yet that "security" is what holds me back. Logically, I *know* that, but doing something about it other than spewing the same message again and again (as Doggy would so quickly point out)? Yeah ... that's a different story.
Bond, it's funny, I tweeted yesterday that sometimes I have a strong desire to run away and reinvent myself, but I fear I'd just make the same mistakes ... again ... Bottom line is that *I* (not the world) am flawed - whether I try to hide it or not - and until I find the whatever-it-is to "fix" myself - I will continue to land in the exact same place. I know that, and it scares the hell out of me.
Hammer, does it count as optimism if I stomp my feet and scream and cry? Yeah ... I didn't think so, but a 2-year old temper tantrum would sure feel good right now!
Dana, it's so very sad to know you are feeling this way. What awful things to feel, about other people and yourself. And just because other people have felt "similar" doesn't mean the way you are feeling isn't special. YOU are special, and feeling this way is terrible, no matter who you are or the problems you have. They are YOUR problems, so that DOES make them unique.
I wish I could help you Dana. I wish I could hug you and just let you cry and talk and scream, because I'm an awesome listener and I NEVER pretend to have the answers. If I did, I would have a perfect marriage and perfect kids, and we both know I don't have EITHER of those!
First off, let me return the virtual hug you gave me last week. I totally get where you are coming from with a few of these items. In fact, your comments hit really close to home. Maybe it's something going around. (If only it were that simple!) :)
It is okay to need someone to lean on during rough times. But, I think that showing that kind of emotional vulnerability is scary especially when you are showing that side to people who aren't used to seeing it. That involves a new level of trust that is very, VERY hard, IMO. And, when everything else seems upside down, it feels too risky.
But, don't lose your ability and desire to dream and chase those dreams. Of all of the things you wrote, those were some of the statements that made me the saddest. You mention trying to keep Cam from seeing what you are going through - this is an important one to demonstrate. Demonstrate for your son that dreams are important, that they shouldn't be given up on, and that even though life is hard - you should keep trying. Kids are smart - they will always see through the facade, but showing him that it's okay to have emotions around tough things, it's okay to struggle, but it's not okay to give up on happiness or your dreams. Those are the things, if demonstrated to him, he will remember 20 years from now. I know those are the things I remember most about my parents when growing up.
Just a thought.
I don't want people to feel sorry for me - I don't blame others (in my head and heart, however it may not come out that way in my written words) - no one did this to me but me. This could only be true if you lived in this big ol' world all by yourself. People do play a part in the way your life turns out. You make the ultimate choice sure but it it weren't for others and their actions...
Feel better beautiful :)
Bina, I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one - my issues really aren't (generally) unique. I didn't want this post to be a "Please stroke Dana's ego" comment fest because then I *do* become the victim - that isn't constructive. It was just a slice of where I am - at this moment - without the pretty frosting and sprinkles. In fact, I seriously considered disabling comments (and still might) for that very reason.
And let me just say that answers are funny things, and sometimes hearing (and listening) to the "outrage" and "judgment" of others is far more insightful than it might seem.
Emmy, I can see where there is value in allowing Cam to see the "failures" in order to see that picking yourself up and dusting yourself off isn't impossible. I just don't want him to feel burdened by adult issues/problems. Thank you for the reminder ... and the hug!
Lu', I think the differentiation is in my reaction to what happens around me - I *am* responsible for that. No, I have no control of what others do, but I *do* have control over how (and if) I let what they do impact me in a negative way.
I am reactionary so for me it is very difficult not to let people impact me in a negative way. I can turn the other cheek and seem to just give folks another one to slap :)
Yep yep sometimes a post is just throwing it out there and isn't really looking for what bounces back.
On days like this, the only thing that can make me happy is ice cream or hot chocolate. I'd lounge in bed with my cocoa or ice cream and read my favorite childhood book. Reminds me of simpler times when things are much easier.
You are not alone in this one!! I have been feeling like this for a week. I mean, I have been a basket case. You're being really hard on yourself. Now I'm not one for kushy fluffy kumbaya advice but I'll tell you, you have just misplaced your happy. Go find it. Where is the last place you saw it?
Oh, and if you have a second go check out my post for today. It's all the moon's fault. Fuckin' cosmos.
Personally I like blaming others. It would really suck to be a total fuck up all on my own.
But, the good news is that people turn their lives around everyday. I read about it all the time. We're all capable of it.
Are you a victim? Probably/yes! We are all victims of fate beyond our control and victims of our own doing too. Are we unhappy with our life and feel tied down to a role or situation we may or may not have caused? I could go on and on with questions about what is going on in my life, your life and everybody elses life.
Time and good decisions can solve a lot of our problems sooner or later. I talk to a lot of successful and happy people. I know many of their life stories. Some of them have had pretty bad past lifes and tremendous challenges in their youth.
Is there a secret formula for success and happiness? I can't say I know what the secret to success and happiness is. But I will say that never giving up, never quitting and believing in yourself sure helps on the happiness successful thingy.
Oh honey, if I didn't know any better I would have thought we had the same sort of day...er, week, er...you catch my drift.
I am sending big hugs your way...
Stay strong Dana...
I send hugs your way. I know that you will dig into that big well of strength that you have and pull yourself out eventually.
But you have to have a dream. Even a small one. Its what keeps us going.
you said it for me...come on now be a trooper.....step up and step out...its nice out here - trust me.
It just does not get any more honest than this....
Would it surprise you that you are not alone in your feelings?
Dana- My advice is short and not so sweet. I say fuck em, and find your self worth- as it is the only thing that will get you through.
I'm sure other people have "felt that way" but according to my therapist, NO ONE can understand EXACTLY how we feel cause we are all individuals with individual feelings, and handle things and think about things as individuals. So, I'M going to disagree with you as well, and continue to say that what YOU feel IS unique. And you can't change my mind either, so don't try girlfriend! LOL (Using very funny tone, I hope you know). :-) {{{{{HUGS}}}}}
And Dana, you should know by now, I do NOT stroke people's ego. I simply tell the truth and try to make people feel better, if that come off as stroking someone's ego, well, so be it.
Mind cleansing? You ought to try any kind of meditation, instead.
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