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In about 5 hours, Cam and I will be headed back to Chicago. As was the case last year, I have such mixed feelings about where it is that I call home.
Families are such odd beasts. I, like so many other people, come from one that certainly has its share of dysfunction, but it is *my* family.
My mom and I are like oil and water at times (yes Buff, even though she is "hot") - she has always felt a need to compete with me - to be "better" than me at any cost. It has created a great deal of strain on our relationship.
My father, a now sober alcoholic, is opinionated, judgmental and a bigot. His love was often conditional when I was a child and his memories of the man and father he was are now clouded by the haze of alcohol and old age.
If my mom and dad were just people - not my parents - not Cam's grandparents - I'd have written them off long ago. Yet seeing them now - both in their late 60's - the reality of who they were - and who they are now - is one of great conflict.
When I was a child, they had all of the power, all of the control, they were bigger than life. Now? They are emotionally frail and physically alone. I don't look at them and think, "You got what you deserved," even though there is a side of me that sees they did, indeed, reap what they sowed. No ... when I look at them I wonder if they are getting enough of the "good stuff" now. I wonder who will take care of them when they can no longer take care of themselves. I wonder if I am giving them enough of myself - and of Cam - in their final years.
As is the case each time Cam and I come out here, there is a great deal of discussion surrounding us moving out here. It's tempting on so many levels. I see the benefits to Cam of family relationships - of having aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins who have so much love for him and offer him an emotionally rich environment. I get to feel included in a family - less invisible to the world. I think about what we are going "home" to. A place filled with a nice house, great jobs, financial "security" but nothing of real substance (this is not a dig at husband, but rather just a glimpse of what life is without extended family). I think about just how short life really is and what gifts I feel are most important to give my son.
I know that I need to find a balance, but each time I play out how that might happen, someone loses at my gain. As I get ready to head out this morning, my thoughts will once again turn towards solutions. How can I find that "sweet spot"?
Families are such odd beasts. I, like so many other people, come from one that certainly has its share of dysfunction, but it is *my* family.
My mom and I are like oil and water at times (yes Buff, even though she is "hot") - she has always felt a need to compete with me - to be "better" than me at any cost. It has created a great deal of strain on our relationship.
My father, a now sober alcoholic, is opinionated, judgmental and a bigot. His love was often conditional when I was a child and his memories of the man and father he was are now clouded by the haze of alcohol and old age.
If my mom and dad were just people - not my parents - not Cam's grandparents - I'd have written them off long ago. Yet seeing them now - both in their late 60's - the reality of who they were - and who they are now - is one of great conflict.
When I was a child, they had all of the power, all of the control, they were bigger than life. Now? They are emotionally frail and physically alone. I don't look at them and think, "You got what you deserved," even though there is a side of me that sees they did, indeed, reap what they sowed. No ... when I look at them I wonder if they are getting enough of the "good stuff" now. I wonder who will take care of them when they can no longer take care of themselves. I wonder if I am giving them enough of myself - and of Cam - in their final years.
As is the case each time Cam and I come out here, there is a great deal of discussion surrounding us moving out here. It's tempting on so many levels. I see the benefits to Cam of family relationships - of having aunts, uncles, grandparents and cousins who have so much love for him and offer him an emotionally rich environment. I get to feel included in a family - less invisible to the world. I think about what we are going "home" to. A place filled with a nice house, great jobs, financial "security" but nothing of real substance (this is not a dig at husband, but rather just a glimpse of what life is without extended family). I think about just how short life really is and what gifts I feel are most important to give my son.
I know that I need to find a balance, but each time I play out how that might happen, someone loses at my gain. As I get ready to head out this morning, my thoughts will once again turn towards solutions. How can I find that "sweet spot"?
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9 comments:
Family is a dicey thing at best. I had a really strenous relationship with my dad for years. I also did not agree with many of my mom's outdated ideas.
Today, my dad is really my mentor and I have lost my mom to Alzheimer's so I guess I needed to do a bit of give and take as well.
Keep the good, and never regret the bad. That is my two cents.
"home" lets see how I can phrase this- when something tastes bad do you keep on eating it or do you spit it out?
Ideally home should be where all of those pieces fit together. I wouldn't know how to not be there for parents or extended family if they needed. At the same time, I could only hope that my spouse would understand there be there for me and my family.
That is the ideal. The reality is always harder.
We indeed reap what we sow. I'm glad you've somewhat forgiven them.
I don't think people ever really change..just the circumstances.
Maybe the family that you seek and want is just going to be you and Cam. Perhaps that is not what you thought you would have at this stage of your life. It may, of course be all that you want and need considering what you have told us on your blog. Cam may be the family you will always cherished and always deserved.
I really don't know. Maybe close, but not too close is the best situation? Maybe somewhere that you can visit more often, and it won't take too long to get to the family, but still far enough away from them not to have the day to day dealings with them is best?
Not matter how good someone's situation is, living a long ways from family can be tough. Even if you have many friends around you.
We lived about 10 miles from my parents - and they were good people. I felt good that I could be there for them in a few minutes if necessary. They enjoyed a special bond with my son that he will carry in his heart all his life. Then again, I got along with my parents for the most part. We did have little disagreements, but nothing major. In your situation, you really need to outline the pros and cons of all possibilities.
I think most of us search for that 'sweet spot' on some level. I know my relationship with my parents isn't what I wished it were. But it's taken years to make it the way it is and I really can't see it changing much with out a great deal of effort on my own part...that I'm not really willing to make at this point. Or any point that I see soon.
I hope you are able to find that sweet spot for you.
Yesterday, I went to a funeral of a friend and former co owner in some property 10 of us have up North. He had a successful restaurant for years, drank too much, lost his wife and business because of it- and is now dead. I came home only to recieve a phone call about my oldest and dearest friend, who at 56 has a bad case of cancer, and may not be with us very long. Oddly, at moments like these, I think of songs I've heard (poetry to music) that might apply to my feelings.. A musical genius who died too young, was Harry Chapin. He did a semi-humorous song named "The Road To Kingdom Come". A line from the song says it pretty good; "We are all just travelers, on the road to Kingdom come". Nobody gets through Life without a little sh*t on their shoes...Parents, kids, friends, and us.
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