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A while back, I started realizing just how much negativity I invite into my life - from the music I listen to, to the blogs I read. Over the past few months, I've really been paying attention to my routine activities, and how I feel when I'm doing them. Chatting with the coworker who is always complaining - reading blogs that do little more than raise my blood pressure - being preoccupied with cable news networks. Of course I'm not ignoring the elephant in the living room - my marriage is frequently an offender.I am clearly not ready to walk away from my marriage. As much as I complain, as "wrong" as things can be at times, I'm not walking away from the commitment - not yet. Accepting that has been difficult. Resolving the conflict between what I feel "entitled" to (unconditional love, respect 100% of the time, little or no daily drama, overflowing passion, etc.) and the reality of the difficulties in a long-term, committed relationship has been a challenge. I continue to ask questions of myself, and I think that is a good thing.
If I'm not willing to walk away from the marriage, what am I willing to walk away from? What other negativity can I eliminate?
I was amazed at how often I found myself irritated when listening to my favorite radio station in the car. Certain songs - certain news items - a driver who cut me off - and soon I was flipping people off, tailgating and screaming at strangers. I realized just how idiotic my behavior was. Not only did it not make anything better, it made things worse. I switched radio stations, listing to one whose motto is "positive, encouraging radio." The difference was significant and immediate. I started listening to the same radio station in the mornings, rather than getting my 90 minute dose of cable news networks.
Work is a bit of a challenge. I don't want to alienate coworkers - I need those relationships to do my job well - but I don't have to get caught up in their drama either. I began ending conversations that contained more gossip than fact - not in a rude manner, but with a simple, "I'm really busy. Let me get back to work." I've found that, without a captive audience, these coworkers don't bring their gossip and drama to me any longer. Hmmmm ...
The next thing I needed to do was look at my blog reading. This step was - by far - the most difficult. I want to support those bloggers who support me. I want to offer them the encouragement, with a comment or a link, that they often offer me. But I was starting to feel obligated - and I was starting to get snarky with my comments - neither of which indicate support. It was time to clean out my Google Reader subscriptions.
I spent this morning hitting the unsubscribe button. It sucked! You see, there are many amazingly talented bloggers/writers out there whose blogs cause me a great deal of grief. Some write about topics that I find in conflict with my moral compass, some justify actions that I believe are harmful not only to themselves, but to others, and some use a form of humor that consistently degrades others. How many times have I told commenters, "If you don't like what you see here, move on."? Yet here I was, immersing myself in environments that made me want to scratch some one's eyes out. It doesn't mean that I wish ill will on any of them - I hope their blogs are successful in whatever manner they measure success - but it does mean some of them won't be seeing me any longer. My guess is that just as quickly, I'll stop seeing them here too.
I challenge all of you to look at the negativity you invite into your own lives. How do you think your life might change if you eliminated even a fraction of it? I can tell you this, my marriage is still no where near perfect, but I've seen improvement since I started eliminating negativity in other areas of my life.
*EDIT* Got a favorite blog that you think I might enjoy? Something "wholesome" yet content filled? Something funny that doesn't count on humiliating others to get a laugh? Should I be reading your blog but have missed it? Leave me a link - I need to populate my Google Reader subscriptions again!
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31 comments:
Precisely why I've stopped watching the news in the mornings. I'll catch the weather at exactly 20 minutes after and that's it. No more shootings and death to start my day.
Congrats on turning on the positive stuff! The people/stuff that we surround ourselves with is so important.
I could not agree more, Dana--and, just wait, it keeps getting better!
I cut out the co-worker negativity years ago because, no matter how hard you try not to let it, just hearing it rubs off. A smile, a "good morning" and just keep on going worked for me. It seems like the ones who like to sit around and complain about everything know which people won't put up with it. And the best part is, no unpleasantries have to happen to get the point across. I also started listening to audiobooks at work rather than the radio. I just can't take the news very much anymore! I agree with RLL, I've got it timed to when the weather comes on and that is it. I know this for sure--cutting out what negativity I can makes a huge difference in how I view the world around me, and it makes me a naturally happier person. All of that negativity can eat a person up without them even knowing it.
I respect that you are not so quick to give up on your marriage; I think a lot of people give up far too soon, and it never hurts to take a look at what we are doing to keep the situation in a bad place. After all, that's the only thing we can do is look at ourselves and do things different. You are the only one who will know when to say enough.
I so respect your intelligence and your insight into yourself; I hope your happiness level exceeds both!
I love theredneckmommy.com and ashleyquitefrankly.com. I also love boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.com. Crystal has had a rough life but has made it through.
Good for you! I'm not quite there yet with getting rid of negativity but I am trying to be more aware of putting my negativity into the world and forcing it on others. Which, combined with being busy, is why my blog has been fairly wordless lately. :-)
Tanis at Redneckmommy.com is fantastic.
I subscribe to over 100 blogs in Google Reader. I have two criteria: 1) they make me think or 2) they make me laugh and hopefully both.
Luckily most of them I follow only post a few times a month.
As soon as they go negative or act like a God they become history. Life is too short
Being positive and happy makes life so easy and it is not that hard to find.
RLL, I really didn't realize how much "optional" negativity I was floundering in until I started really paying attention. I've found that I can still keep up on current events without being absorbed by them, and that I don't have to read a blog out of obligation. It's been liberating.
Kim-D, my marriage is far from perfect, and at times has been down right destructive, but when I see progress I cannot ignore it. We'll see, but for now making these changes in myself seems to be making changes in the atmosphere of my marriage.
Jen Deaux, I've added all three to my Google Reader. Thanks!!
NY Diva, life is not always beer and pretzels - I think sharing some of that isn't necessarily a bad thing. There will be days when that very stuff will find it's way here, but hopefully it will be presented in a way that keeps me out of the poor-poor-pitiful-me mode!
Pops G, that's two votes for redneckmommy, and after visiting her, I can see why y'all like her! Can I borrow that criteria of yours? It seems to make good, logical sense!
The biggest thing I cut out of my life was the coworker gossip. Stuff like that gets real old and it just takes you down with the ones who are gossiping all of the time.
I am glad that you are finding ways to bring in the positive.
Being in HR, I never get any good gossip and when people come into chit chat, I give them five minutes, and then excuse myself.
My coworker and I also have a deal, when we have to stop at a chatty office to do business, we text the person if they are not back in 10 minutes.
"Oops, Monica says I have a person who needs me upstairs (or a phone call)"
If I happen to come across any wholesome blogs I'll let you know. haha
I've dumped about 100 blogs from my reader over the last couple of months. A combination of so much whining, stupidity and generally boring crap and I just had to get rid of them.
I've also pretty much cut some EXTREMELY negative people out of my life. Maybe I'm just insensitive, but I couldn't stand it anymore.
Rage, coworker gossip was a HUGE negative for me. Imagine a beauty shop of blue-haired ladies and you'll get a good idea of my workplace.
ASM, I think just being aware of where I was letting the negative in, rather than assuming it was all coming from one spot, was a move in the right direction.
Jay, I don't need anything more "wholesome" than your blog *wink* You were not deleted from my Reader! I battled with wanting to be there for folks, and knowing that they were just sucking the "hope" out of me!
Cutting negativity out of your life I think is a huge step and important in one's outlook.
For me it's less negativity, and more about 'drama'. I don't personally care for or 'do' drama and every so often I will find myself being immersed in it due to blogs I read, friends I am keeping, friends I am listening to gossip....and I have to take a step back so as not to get caught up in it and how it will effect me.
Kind of like you have done. And I think that's important. :) Esp that you realized you needed to do it for yourself.
*hugs*
Dana, it's wholesome and necessary to clean your attic out once in a while, so to speak. I have read where if you hang out with people as smart or smarter than you, you become wiser. I think this idea works on the positive and negative thingy too. The German people did not become Nazis by listening to the Pope. Congrats on your new positive direction in life.
As I think about this post, I actually don't see much negativity in my life.
Maybe I'm just lucky.
Or oblivious, and I'm one of the people you've kicked to the curb ;-)
I used to read a lot of blogs, too but have really just slacked due to my addiction to Facebook.
Some blogs just suck though and do not hold my interest. It's not the negativity. It's just that sometimes I can't relate to it and find it hard to read.
I should clean out my reader, too but instead I just skim and only read my favs. lol
I don't know if I could rightly be considered wholesome, as I do tend to write about my boobs often but I can tell you I strive to be positive.
Life is too short to be mired in negativity and it's my mission in life to find joy where I can.
I admire your attitude and I wish you every success.
Vixen, oh the lures of blogger drama! It is easy to get sucked up in it, isn't it? And then it takes on a life of its own!
Doomed, I think I had been wanting to move this direction for quite some time, but was afraid if I cut those ties (negative or not) I might never find other ties to replace them ... then I realized how silly that was!
Hubman, I think it's great that you have little/no negativity in your life. I didn't think I did either until I took a deep breath and looked around.
Perfect. Thanks!
FF, some blogs do suck, but what I was finding even more disturbing were the ones that I've seen go from interesting, "normal" people to something with an ego the size of Alaska.
Redneck, wholesome was in quotations! You talk about boobs? Boobs are wholesome, right??
http://dtrant.blogspot.com/
http://doctorpineapple.blogspot.com/
http://eviltwinswife.blogspot.com/
http://darkstormyloopy.blogspot.com/
http://hoperadio.blogspot.com/
http://samanthasampson.blogspot.com/
These are six positive and funny blogs that I read and suggest highly. I think you'll love em
FMD
I have KLOVE programed into my truck along with AIR1 who's motto is "The positive alternative"
Rather than garbage in - garbage out.
Sometimes cutting that cord is the hardest step toward moving forward. Good going.
Lee, off that you said "perfect" - you are actually one of my mentors when it comes to removing the negative.
FMD, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! They've all been added to my reader!
Jeff, I see we listen to the same radio station.. K-LOVE is responsible for my day starting with a smile!
More power to you for eliminating the negativity. I had enough from my father to last me a lifetime. I provide a positive house for my family and friends. I smile at strangers, even when they look like they last smiled in 1983. I say "Thank you" every time a person does a service for me. I say "Thank you" when someone opens a door for me. I drive at speed limit and let drivers speed past me to get to their negative environments 10 seconds earlier. ;)
Dana, I understand where you are coming from with your co-workers. i work at Wal-Mart and I never take my breaks or lunch in the break room. there is too much drama and I want no part of it. I bring a book and go off by myself.
I don't take life too seriously. My wife died suddenly almost 9 years ago. She made herself miserable with too many fears and worrying about everything. Life is too short to live like that. In my blog I try to vary it between commenting on news stories to more frivolous things. Considering I collect baseball cards and comic books that is pretty easy.
I rarely comment here because I don't feel I can really add much to what has already been said. I read it daily and enjoy it. My best wishes to you. I hope it all works out to your satisfaction.
NV, what's odd about all of this is that - generally - I would say that I am an extremely positive person, but what I learned was that it was in spite of the negativity I invited in to my life. Now I find it easier to be positive.
Howard, we have a mandatory lunch period - noon until 1PM. I've been labeled all sorts of "derogatory" terms because I do not eat with my co-workers. If the gossip wasn't enough, the soap opera that they watch would do me in!
It is hard getting away from the drama at the work place. I once worked with a group of wonderful people (individually)but in a group they were nasty...talking about other co-workers and students. It got old fast.
I don't know what blogs you read, but I have to admit that my blog is a place where I like to rant and rave and get it out of my system. I do try to approach my ranting with humor....I have found that that is the only way to deal with the crap in life and still keep my sanity.
I do agree....we watch what we eat, we should also get rid of the other toxins in our lives.
Well, FMD recommended Samantha Sampson, and since she is one of my best friends IRL, I have to second that.
If you haven't read http://foradifferentkindofgirl.blogspot.com, you need to. You will always laugh. You'll probably fall in love, but I've got dibs, so back off. ;)
I've back away from blogs in the last couple of weeks because I have just been so...without words. I'm struggling to think of something to say on my own.
One of my current positive sites is Simple Marriage
I listen to positive encouraging radio as well...when I travel via car I always look up to see what klove stations are located along my route.
they have a great website with interesting news and local links for things going on in your area.
I have been known to keep them on as background at work too...they have a live feed so you can hear the radio from your computer.
I know what you mean about letting go fo the negativity although that is much easier said than done, isn't it? I am glad you were able to cut some of it out and focus on the beter things in life though. Good for you!
I will keep my eyes open for some positive and stimulating blogs. At this point in time you may know of more blogs out there than I do.
I will certainly keep you posted though.
xoxo
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