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I am not too proud to admit that there are many things I am just not successful at. Usually, these are things that aren't life altering, but there is one glaring exception - relationships - specifically friendships.I have some personality
As you can imagine, this type of behavior does not lend itself to meeting new people and fostering new friendships. My anxiety is often misread as aloofness, indifference (there's that word again) and conceit. Add to that my physical stature - which I've been told is intimidating - and I'm not a very appealing party guest. I don't know if I suffer from shyness
Fortunately, I've met a handful of great people that have been brave enough to initiate contact. It is difficult for me to reach out to people (although, in my life, email and blogging have somewhat eased that difficulty) - far more difficult than it is for me to isolate myself. But the challenge doesn't end there. Once that initial contact is made, there is that whole maintenance factor.
I often read blog content that references long-term friendships - people who have known each other from elementary or high school - friendships that have overcome distance and time constraints. I don't have those. Not a single one. And it bothers me. A lot.
Not only do I struggle with initiating friendships, but I seem to be a complete failure at nurturing friendships. My best guess is that my apparent lack of attention is the culprit. The problem? It isn't that I don't want to stay in contact with people, it's that I can't imagine they want to hear from me. As I shared earlier this week, my personal life is somewhat of a mess. It becomes clear - even in comments - that many are frustrated with my inaction. My brain translates that to mean they really don't want to be bothered with my troubles - they have their own - shouldering mine as well is just not something anyone wants to be bothered with. I understand that.
It has been that way as long as I can remember. I've had one of those lives where some major drama (often times self-inflicted) has been the cornerstone of my being. I've identified myself with whatever that drama was. When I was young, it was an abusive, alcoholic father. As I got older, something else replaced that - obesity, drug addiction, single parenthood, mental health issues - there is always something standing in the way of me devoting my attention to fostering friendships. I became the child of the alcoholic, the fat one, the single parent. In my mind, I become the drama de jure. I don't necessarily believe others define me that way, but I definitely do.
So how does one get out of that mindset? Where do I start? What does it take to start believing that maybe my friendship has value? That my circumstances don't define me as undesirable? And please, don't read this as pitiful me begging for compliments. What I really want to hear is what it takes to be a friend and keep the friendship strong - the Cliff Notes of Friendship for Dummies. Thoughts?
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33 comments:
What does it take to start believing that maybe my friendship has value?
Ugh. I hate using trite cliches but I think it applies here...
You have to believe in yourself and feel that you alone have value before it rubs off onto others.
I think people inately want to be around people who show joy, attention, at least some sense of confidence, and can laugh at themselves, especially through the dramas of life.
There, gem of wisdom for the day. Although its more like a chunk of cubic zirconia. Cheers!!
I don't have friends from school. We moved so much that I was never able to keep friends for long amounts of time. Some would offer to stay in touch but often, I would be forgotten about. From that, I still have this issue where I think new friends will just forget about me eventually, lol.
I have a couple friends who come off as aloof and indifferent too for the same reasons as you. I became friends with them because I talk to everyone. I always just try to think the best about someone so if I see someone sitting alone, I think they might be just shy or not having a good time. So I say hello and figure out from their if they're a dick or just anxious and not good in crowds.
I'm having issues with the whole confiding thing. People have their own problems and sometimes, I feel horrid dropping mine onto other people.
To keep a friendship, I think you need to think that you're a desirable friend in the first place. Not think so bad of yourself. See yourself in a different light. Not believe that no one wants to hear from you. A good friend will want to hear from you during the good and the bad. You have to start thinking differently about yourself. Gosh, I'm tired right now and I dunno if any of that makes any sense at all but I hope it does. If not, email me and I can explain better once I get some rest. :)
Well, I think it's fairly simple. And I started out like you....incredibly shy. To the point of silence. I've changed the way I think and act in regards to friendship and it was by FORCE.
Most people like to be acknowledged. They want to feel like they belong and want to know that YOU remember THEM. Everybody has a little of what you and I have about wondering if someone will remember, will they care to hear from you.
Speak to that. All you have to do is make them feel important, loved, attended to.
And you've done that for me. If I don't hear from you, I send you a little note....and boom, you're right there again.
That IS friendship.
Being a friend is exactly that 'being a friend' let some Forrest Gump wisdom creep in and you might see the light at the end of the tunnel - "stupid is as stupid does" Now I am not calling anyone stupid as much as this is only a metaphor for the 'do unto others' thing. You send a lot of mixed signals - on the one hand you are bold and opinionated then you say you are meek and insecure it really doesnt matter one way or the other but it can be a little confusing. People like to see progress on what ever level that progress is - you like positive people dont you?
Just one word for you. Honesty. Go watch "Top Gear" on BBCA channel and tell me that, the way these three hosts insult each other, they aren't friends. They're honest with each other. My dad was in Air Force and he moved us around. I just learned one important thing about lasting friendships...honesty. So what if you're a bitch? So what if you're tall? So what if you're smart? If a person accepts who you are, warts and all, then that person is YOUR friend.
Interesting post and revelation. I ditto the earlier comments. It sounds like a self esteem issue again. Probably not the sort of advice you were looking for, but that seems to be the root of a lot of the things in your life/relationships. I wonder if the reason you are able to be bold on your blog is because you are not there in person.
As for friendship advice, be the giver not always the taker. Be the freind to others that you would like to have someone be to you. Whoever came up wiht that good ole "do unto others" was on to something ya know!
I swear, I am the same way. I don't make friends easily. However mine is a different reason. I hate large crows, but I have learned to act like they don't bother me. I can talk to any person, any where, any time, and make them feel comfortable. But I do not trust people, at all. It seems that once I do, i'm always the better friend and I get hurt. It has ALWAYS happened. I don't need to be with people for the most part. I'm happy being alone for the most part. I have my music and have my books and I have my kids. It's easiier for me to be without friends than to have one and have them betray me like almost every single one has, except for Beth.
You know, I am this person who can be the life of the party or I can be that total wallflower.
I have two friends from High School who I keep in touch with and a whole group from college that I am very close with (my fraternity brothers).
Here in Memphis, I really have not met too many people...Then I have my online friends.
Having long time friendships is nice, but it is not everything.
THere may be some who are 'frustrated' reading your life, I am not one of them.
Finally, let me tell you something. We have never met...but you are my friend...as much so as anyone I know from HS, college or afterward...
It becomes clear - even in comments - that many are frustrated with my inaction. My brain translates that to mean they really don't want to be bothered with my troubles...
That isn't what I saw in the comments. First, no one can really know you situation for a few blog paragraphs. No one can really know your situation unless they are living it. If you are frustrated by your inaction, do something (or stop being frustrated).
Second, get your brain out of the way. I don't think you can assume other peoples intentions. If they didn't want to be bothered they wouldn't read and if they did read, they wouldn't comment.
Next, topic: You need to admit to yourself that you have something to offer others. Maybe not your drama, but the experience you have gained by surviving your dramas. You need to make time for friends. They are usually a good distraction from the drama.
I wish I could give you the answers to those questions. If I could I wouldn't have so many of the same problems that you talked about.
I'm so lacking in social skills and am terrible at meeting people. When I do meet people I'm not very good at cultivating those friendships either.
It's something I should work on but, like you, I always have something else more pressing to deal with.
Dana:
Obviously from the post I wrote today, I'm in no position to give you any kind of advice.
If you find any real good nuggets, send 'em my way, OK?
I'll be returning to these comments - I'll be looking for suggestions too. There's more I want to say but somehow comments on a blog don't seem appropriate. And, somehow I think you already know most of what I would say. See? ~Lee - who thinks you might be one of if not the only oldest friend I keep in touch...
Matt-Man, interesting perspective. Do you believe that people should project joy, confidence and humor even when they aren't feeling it in order to attract (and keep) friends?
DamagedStar, confiding is difficult, especially when one is "stuck" and not moving forward at a pace they feel is expected, making them an "undesirable" friend.
RLL, thank you! I think sometimes I may expect too much of myself and in the process, manage to be my own worst enemy.
DB, I agree, I *do* send a lot of mixed signals, but it's not intentional - it's just the way I am - bold and opinionated in some areas and meek and secure in others. Progress? That's a tough one because it is so subjective and individual time lines for acceptable progress vary as much as the individuals.
NV, I think part of my problem is that I gauge myself on the standards of others, rather than on setting my own.
Snugs, oh! I can be bold in person - in fact I've found it's the most effective way to keep people at a distance. Is it fair to say that you see me (at least my presence in the cyber world) as one of "taking" more than "giving"?
Bina, we differ only in that I really do crave a connection, but am fearful and apprehensive about what that means.
Bond, I do think there are those who are frustrated - hell, I'm frustrated! You last sentence? *BIG GRIN* Thank you!
Fate, but being frustrated is what I do! Kidding ... sort of ...
And you are absolutely spot on with your second point. I tend to over-think EVERYTHING and that in itself gets in the way of "productive" relationships!
Jay, come sit in this boat with me! We'll be social skill challenged together!
Jormengrund, I guess I had better get over to your place and see what I can offer!
Lee, how long have we known each other? 10? 11 years now? And we've met only once. Yes - we do have a long-term friendship, don't we?
Not at all, I not am saying that one should fake it. What I am saying is that a person should find that joy and self-confidence within themselves, and it will shine through.
I don't think that the answer to your question revolves around how to make friends...I think the answer you seek revolves around making yourself comfortable with yourself.
Do that, and friends will not only come, but they'll stay, and you will want them to stay around as well. And, they'll feel the same. Cheers!!
ok this is the second time i have read your blog and i have had so much to say but can't get it out...ffs! I guess that means I still feel and I am still alive. I will just say I was here and great post.
I think you seem like a good friend. Someone who genuinely cares about people. No one is perfect but I know you cared about our mutual friend who probably neither of us hears much out of these days.
I think it's wonderful how much insight you have about yourself and how you are always putting yourself out there.
I am opposite of you in so many ways. I am an extrovert and really love having people around me. It cheers me up and I like the energy. That said I have often found myself trying to be friends with people such as yourself and tend to give up when I feel like the person isn't that into me.
You got a lot of good advice here though! I hope it helps. :)
I haven't been around long, but what made me want to comment in the first place is that you seem to be someone that I really like. You are obviously really smart, but I just get the feeling that, in real life, you could also be really funny. I like that, but I also like someone that I can have a serious relationship, too.
I heard a saying once that has always stuck with me because I think it is just so true; it's something to the effect of, "we like people for the way they make us feel about ourselves."
Don't know as any of that is real helpful, but I do know we're likely to meet up in that room, trying to get a break from the crowd!
...and what I really meant was a serious CONVERSATION. Which, I guess, could result in a serious relationship...but not always. HA!
being a friend is being someone that listens, that shares common interests, that supports but does not judge, that lends a hand when needed, sometimes that is an ear in the middle of the night, but maintaining log term relationship takes an investment of time and energy. Friendships do not maintain themselves. It's normal to isolate yourself when you are going through some kind of turmoil at home even though that is when we may needs our friends most. You also must trust and allow your self to be vulnerable. You cannot force a friendship. As we get older I think they are harder to come by, but not impossible.
I really think Matt hit is on the head. I do not see you as a giver or as a taker, I was simply answering your last question about keeping a friendship strong. For whatever it is worth, it is fair to say that the little cyber exposure I've seen, I think you are more of an "I" person that a "we" if that makes any sense.
I wish I had some good advice for you. I can really identify with the introversion and I feel like most of my friendships were happy accidents. :-) I will say that you are totally deserving of friends and the sooner you believe that the easier it'll be to make and keep friends.
I am like you too Dana. Heck you wanted one of my, "not a bitch just shy" shirts :) I think I'll expound on this at home. I don't think I have answers for you. I may have but am not very good at practicing what I preach.
When you really love and trust the person you see in the mirror. You will be able to love and trust the people who want to be your friend. You need to be comfortable with yourself. The journey to finding and keeping friends may take less time than you think.
I used to be very much the same, and then when I found myself single and alone, I either had to just get used to being lonely or do something about it....I MADE myself approach people. At first it was like I was playing a part in a movie.....then over the years, it became easier. I can approach people now more naturally....and I have made what I know will be lifelong friendships.....
Hmmm....I have many problems in my life, but this is not one of them. I have always been outgoing and social. I have always made friends easily and I maintained the friendships which have been constructive for me.
Clearly your friendship has value. We wouldn't be here if it didn't. Some blogs you read because the blogger is a train wreck, but this is clearly not the case with you. You have so much to give and you deserve friendship.
I am one of those people that don't make friends easily and maybe, possibly *bc* of that is why I tend to hold on and treasure and coddle the few friendships I do have.
I guess for me as well, I have had some hardships (which can also prob equate to drama) but I leaned on these friendships for help and support to get through.
I think one of my redeeming qualities is that I am a really good friend. I am usually the person that can look past all the drama and bs and just be there for that person.
I dunnon....it's a struggle. Ups and downs. No real advice, I'm sorry. *hugs*
Whether someone has friendships that are long term or not, is neither here nor there. I think friendships are more important when people are surrounded by others who are safe, encouraging, supportive, honest and real.
I luv the comments here and your vulnerability.
I've also found that the grass is never greener.
I'm *very* friendly & extroverted.... but that can sometimes lead to people misunderstanding me. It can make people skeptical or wondering if I have ulterior motives. Sometimes people can assume I'm fake before getting to know me better.
Knowing your value and worth is key. Knowing & believing you're amazing as a person (not out of conceit but just) from a secure contented-ness.
Your friends enjoy and appreciate you because you're "you". No more, no less. All you ever have to be is who you've been made to be. Your real friends accept you and always want what's best for you. They'll understand you as best they can and always want what's in your best interest. Just my 2 cents anyways.
Keep being *you* Dana :)
You already have a lot of friends. You just don't get to see them in person.
I would suggest just going about activites you enjoy and find the bubbly person who talks alot, they will break the ice for you!
I'm sure you can read all these comments and see that these people are freely reaching out to you. "friends"
[so much to say but can't get it out]
I think these friendships on line are a bit touchy, without the eye contact [a primal force in itself], the certainty is missing. Not saying they can't develop, but I think they should be taken with a grain of salt.
For me, who fortunetly has many lifetime friends that haven't wavered over all the years, still sometimes hides in a corner around new people. Most of the time I'm that asshole who'll talk to everybody like I've known them for years. Lot of people like that. But sometimes you get that look [eye contact]........who the f$%k are you, you can feel it.
But here online, no body language, tone of voice, or eyes. Don't over think these online frienships.
Holy shit Dana look at all that I typed. Who'd a thunk it?
Dana, I've been in your shoes and have been able to overcome these things. I've learned that we are drawn to others who have the same problems we do. But, what I didn't know, is that we are also drawn to those who share or core values (good qualities). My experience has taught me that I often focused on what was wrong with the situation, rather than what was right. It's the process of switching the focus of our attention off of our thoughts, feelings, body sensations... onto something more intresting, just being. What would it be like for you if being with others were fun? Focus on that and not on what could go wrong.
If you'd like, email me and I can show you a tool that will support you in finding the good qualities about yourself which will let you focus on getting to know others in a positive way.
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