Friendship Failure

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I am not too proud to admit that there are many things I am just not successful at. Usually, these are things that aren't life altering, but there is one glaring exception - relationships - specifically friendships.

I have some personality flaws traits that certainly contribute to my difficulty in making friends. For example, I am very much an introvert. Crowds (defined and any gathering larger than four) emotionally and physically drain me. Make those people strangers and my anxiety level jumps at least tenfold. In fact, it's not unusual for me to "disappear" into a quiet room during such a gathering. I am literally overwhelmed by all of the activity and must acquire some alone time to manage my sanity.

As you can imagine, this type of behavior does not lend itself to meeting new people and fostering new friendships. My anxiety is often misread as aloofness, indifference (there's that word again) and conceit. Add to that my physical stature - which I've been told is intimidating - and I'm not a very appealing party guest. I don't know if I suffer from shyness or some other mental defect but I know the ability to make that initial contact that can lead to friendship has always eluded me.

Fortunately, I've met a handful of great people that have been brave enough to initiate contact. It is difficult for me to reach out to people (although, in my life, email and blogging have somewhat eased that difficulty) - far more difficult than it is for me to isolate myself. But the challenge doesn't end there. Once that initial contact is made, there is that whole maintenance factor.

I often read blog content that references long-term friendships - people who have known each other from elementary or high school - friendships that have overcome distance and time constraints. I don't have those. Not a single one. And it bothers me. A lot.

Not only do I struggle with initiating friendships, but I seem to be a complete failure at nurturing friendships. My best guess is that my apparent lack of attention is the culprit. The problem? It isn't that I don't want to stay in contact with people, it's that I can't imagine they want to hear from me. As I shared earlier this week, my personal life is somewhat of a mess. It becomes clear - even in comments - that many are frustrated with my inaction. My brain translates that to mean they really don't want to be bothered with my troubles - they have their own - shouldering mine as well is just not something anyone wants to be bothered with. I understand that.

It has been that way as long as I can remember. I've had one of those lives where some major drama (often times self-inflicted) has been the cornerstone of my being. I've identified myself with whatever that drama was. When I was young, it was an abusive, alcoholic father. As I got older, something else replaced that - obesity, drug addiction, single parenthood, mental health issues - there is always something standing in the way of me devoting my attention to fostering friendships. I became the child of the alcoholic, the fat one, the single parent. In my mind, I become the drama de jure. I don't necessarily believe others define me that way, but I definitely do.

So how does one get out of that mindset? Where do I start? What does it take to start believing that maybe my friendship has value? That my circumstances don't define me as undesirable? And please, don't read this as pitiful me begging for compliments. What I really want to hear is what it takes to be a friend and keep the friendship strong - the Cliff Notes of Friendship for Dummies. Thoughts?

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