What Kind of Friend Am I?

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According to THIS SURVEY at Real Simple, I am the responsible friend:

Congratulations, you’re the friend everyone knows they can depend on whether they’re in a minor bind (they can’t make a child-care pickup; they need help assembling a work report) or have a real emergency (they’re in labor and their husband is stuck out of town). "Pat yourself on the back for being a good friend," says Jeanne Martinet, author of Life Is Friends: A Complete Guide to the Lost Art of Connecting in Person.

"You’re very organized; you plan ahead and you have the ability to get things done," says Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., a psychologist and the author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend. The downside? "You may appear more capable and seem to have more free time than your friends who lead more chaotic lives."

That sounds good ... responsible is a good thing, right?

But what happens when you are not the friend who gives what your friend wants from a friend? Are you still a good friend? 

*If you followed that I am quite impressed*

Let's take me, for example, 'cause ... hello? It's all about me!!!

I am not the friend to look to if you've just broken up with your douche-bag boyfriend, and you're looking to verbally bash him while I cheer you on. 

Instead, I'll likely tell you that you picked him, so there must be some significant flaw in your ability to choose good men.

Looking for that friend to go shopping with?? *shudders* The one who will tell you how fabulous you look in that too tight, too short, slutty looking red dress that you have fallen in love with?

Yeah ... no ...

You'll want to choose a different friend for that outing, 'cause I'll tell you that red dress is too tight, too short, and slutty looking, and if you go ahead and buy it anyway, everyone will be talking behind your back about it being too tight, too short, and slutty looking.

People say they want honest friends - friends who will call them on their shit - friends whose word they know they can trust - but I don't think they really do. Not all of the time anyway ...

I may be the responsible friend, but know this: if you ask me to pick your kid up from soccer practice because it took you longer than you thought to finish up your grocery shopping, I'll make sure your kid has a ride home, but when I drop him off at your house?

I'll tell you how irresponsible it was of you to leave your kid hanging like that.

So, do you want to be my friend??

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Friendship Failure

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I am not too proud to admit that there are many things I am just not successful at. Usually, these are things that aren't life altering, but there is one glaring exception - relationships - specifically friendships.

I have some personality flaws traits that certainly contribute to my difficulty in making friends. For example, I am very much an introvert. Crowds (defined and any gathering larger than four) emotionally and physically drain me. Make those people strangers and my anxiety level jumps at least tenfold. In fact, it's not unusual for me to "disappear" into a quiet room during such a gathering. I am literally overwhelmed by all of the activity and must acquire some alone time to manage my sanity.

As you can imagine, this type of behavior does not lend itself to meeting new people and fostering new friendships. My anxiety is often misread as aloofness, indifference (there's that word again) and conceit. Add to that my physical stature - which I've been told is intimidating - and I'm not a very appealing party guest. I don't know if I suffer from shyness or some other mental defect but I know the ability to make that initial contact that can lead to friendship has always eluded me.

Fortunately, I've met a handful of great people that have been brave enough to initiate contact. It is difficult for me to reach out to people (although, in my life, email and blogging have somewhat eased that difficulty) - far more difficult than it is for me to isolate myself. But the challenge doesn't end there. Once that initial contact is made, there is that whole maintenance factor.

I often read blog content that references long-term friendships - people who have known each other from elementary or high school - friendships that have overcome distance and time constraints. I don't have those. Not a single one. And it bothers me. A lot.

Not only do I struggle with initiating friendships, but I seem to be a complete failure at nurturing friendships. My best guess is that my apparent lack of attention is the culprit. The problem? It isn't that I don't want to stay in contact with people, it's that I can't imagine they want to hear from me. As I shared earlier this week, my personal life is somewhat of a mess. It becomes clear - even in comments - that many are frustrated with my inaction. My brain translates that to mean they really don't want to be bothered with my troubles - they have their own - shouldering mine as well is just not something anyone wants to be bothered with. I understand that.

It has been that way as long as I can remember. I've had one of those lives where some major drama (often times self-inflicted) has been the cornerstone of my being. I've identified myself with whatever that drama was. When I was young, it was an abusive, alcoholic father. As I got older, something else replaced that - obesity, drug addiction, single parenthood, mental health issues - there is always something standing in the way of me devoting my attention to fostering friendships. I became the child of the alcoholic, the fat one, the single parent. In my mind, I become the drama de jure. I don't necessarily believe others define me that way, but I definitely do.

So how does one get out of that mindset? Where do I start? What does it take to start believing that maybe my friendship has value? That my circumstances don't define me as undesirable? And please, don't read this as pitiful me begging for compliments. What I really want to hear is what it takes to be a friend and keep the friendship strong - the Cliff Notes of Friendship for Dummies. Thoughts?

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It's the "Little" Things

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As you all know, I often struggle with this idea of being liked - when you don't like yourself - when you've spent years reminding yourself how unlikable you are - it's difficult to make the move back towards valuing yourself. Blogging has been a huge help with that process.

Sure, there are times (many) when I believe the comments left on my HNT's are little more than people playing "nice," and I'm often just waiting for that moment when everyone stops reading my blog because I've said something "offensive," but I really am getting better at realizing that I might just be likable - at least some of the time.

So, where am I going with this? When I got home from work on Friday, there was a box on the front porch from ProFlowers, and it was addressed to me! My first thought was, "Who the hell?" I grabbed the box and headed inside - I couldn't imagine who would send flowers, but was fairly certain it had to be family. I open the box and found these!


I also found a card that read, in part:

The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend.
~ Henry David Thoreau

The card and the flowers were beautiful, and they were from Real Live Lesbian (Lynn). Seldom do I give myself credit for the "little" things I do for others, and yet here was someone forcing me to do just that. It felt good to know that I made a positive contribution to a friendship, and even better that I was able to accept that and give myself credit for it.

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