Indifference

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Indifference. Webster's defines it as "The quality or state of being indifferent, or not making a difference; want of sufficient importance to constitute a difference; absence of weight; insignificance." It's not a bad thing if it's what one feels when choosing between Burger King and McDonald's, but when it creeps into a marriage, it's disturbing.

I haven't given any updates on husband and me for quite some time. There are several reasons for this, the primary one being there really hasn't been much change. It's been a year since the physical abuse that led to family counseling, and 8 months since husband last acted out toward Cam or me physically. This should be good news, right?

Well, in a sense it is, but what I've learned is that the fear that it will happen again does not diminish. Husband's rage is so unpredictable - so intense - that when something sets him off, I find myself immediately switching to survival mode. There is a moment of fear, but that is quickly replace by action - keep mouth shut - remove Cam and myself from the immediate area - do not attempt to discuss the situation - ever. Now understand, this is not something that happens frequently, maybe once or twice every two months, but the "threat" of it happening is heavy in this house.

The emotional and verbal abuse? They've not left. In fact, I would say that as the physical acting out has decreased, the emotional and verbal abuse have increased. I've learned how to take the brunt of this away from Cam, but even though it's not directed towards him, it impacts him. It sets a terrible example of how people should treat each other.

What does daily life look like? There is little, if any, interaction between husband and me - even less between husband and Cam. We had D (step daughter - for those readers who might be new) with us this weekend and I spent a great deal of time watching husband's interactions with her - comparing them to those with Cam. Although husband does show a bit more interest in D, and backs down when she challenges him (he would escalate a challenge by Cam), there is little quality interaction between them. Most of the weekend was spent watching TV - no substantial discussion regarding anything other than which show was on next. Although family counseling is no longer something we participate in (husband was not receptive to having to change), Cam, D and I continue to attend - not as a family, but as individuals.

What we have now is a house full of people who really don't care, at least on the surface. "Whatever," said with an eye roll, seems to be the theme of this family. It's sad, it's unfortunate, but it's reality ... and I'm sure many of you have been there at one time or another - maybe even now. It's not bad, but it's certainly not good. It is most definitely ... well ... indifferent.

Indifference in my marriage is something new, and it scares me. Why? Because at this point it is placed in a nice, neat, little box, allowing me to see this relationship through logic rather than emotion, but how long will it be before it grows and spills over into other parts of my life? It crept in to my marriage quite silently and exposed itself (How many of you chuckled when you read "exposed itself"?) with a flip of a switch. I still have passion in parts of my life - I don't want to lose those pieces - to let indifference sneak in and take over.

My plan? To coddle and grow those things that Cam and I are passionate about in order to fight indifference. Rather than allow fear to encourage inaction, I'm going to use fear as a motivator. Will it fix my marriage? No, nothing but a sudden smack up along side the head with a 2 x 4 light-bulb moment on husband's part could do that. I've surrendered the fight to save this marriage. I cannot do it on my own. But I'm hoping that if I can generate more passion in other areas of my life, it will overcome the indifference - or at least keep it at bay - right? Right???

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