02 February 2009

Indifference

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Indifference. Webster's defines it as "The quality or state of being indifferent, or not making a difference; want of sufficient importance to constitute a difference; absence of weight; insignificance." It's not a bad thing if it's what one feels when choosing between Burger King and McDonald's, but when it creeps into a marriage, it's disturbing.

I haven't given any updates on husband and me for quite some time. There are several reasons for this, the primary one being there really hasn't been much change. It's been a year since the physical abuse that led to family counseling, and 8 months since husband last acted out toward Cam or me physically. This should be good news, right?

Well, in a sense it is, but what I've learned is that the fear that it will happen again does not diminish. Husband's rage is so unpredictable - so intense - that when something sets him off, I find myself immediately switching to survival mode. There is a moment of fear, but that is quickly replace by action - keep mouth shut - remove Cam and myself from the immediate area - do not attempt to discuss the situation - ever. Now understand, this is not something that happens frequently, maybe once or twice every two months, but the "threat" of it happening is heavy in this house.

The emotional and verbal abuse? They've not left. In fact, I would say that as the physical acting out has decreased, the emotional and verbal abuse have increased. I've learned how to take the brunt of this away from Cam, but even though it's not directed towards him, it impacts him. It sets a terrible example of how people should treat each other.

What does daily life look like? There is little, if any, interaction between husband and me - even less between husband and Cam. We had D (step daughter - for those readers who might be new) with us this weekend and I spent a great deal of time watching husband's interactions with her - comparing them to those with Cam. Although husband does show a bit more interest in D, and backs down when she challenges him (he would escalate a challenge by Cam), there is little quality interaction between them. Most of the weekend was spent watching TV - no substantial discussion regarding anything other than which show was on next. Although family counseling is no longer something we participate in (husband was not receptive to having to change), Cam, D and I continue to attend - not as a family, but as individuals.

What we have now is a house full of people who really don't care, at least on the surface. "Whatever," said with an eye roll, seems to be the theme of this family. It's sad, it's unfortunate, but it's reality ... and I'm sure many of you have been there at one time or another - maybe even now. It's not bad, but it's certainly not good. It is most definitely ... well ... indifferent.

Indifference in my marriage is something new, and it scares me. Why? Because at this point it is placed in a nice, neat, little box, allowing me to see this relationship through logic rather than emotion, but how long will it be before it grows and spills over into other parts of my life? It crept in to my marriage quite silently and exposed itself (How many of you chuckled when you read "exposed itself"?) with a flip of a switch. I still have passion in parts of my life - I don't want to lose those pieces - to let indifference sneak in and take over.

My plan? To coddle and grow those things that Cam and I are passionate about in order to fight indifference. Rather than allow fear to encourage inaction, I'm going to use fear as a motivator. Will it fix my marriage? No, nothing but a sudden smack up along side the head with a 2 x 4 light-bulb moment on husband's part could do that. I've surrendered the fight to save this marriage. I cannot do it on my own. But I'm hoping that if I can generate more passion in other areas of my life, it will overcome the indifference - or at least keep it at bay - right? Right???

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31 comments:

Lu' said...

I think you have described many marriages today. More so in days gone by where divorce was taboo. Well you've got a plan and that is always a good place to start.

buffalodick said...

For what it's worth, I think most marriages of any length have dry spells of convenient co-habitation, rather than passion...Especially after the kids are grown up and gone..

Hubman said...

((Huggs))

That's all I've got for you...

Dixie said...

Many people throw themselves into the other areas of their lives in order to fill that hole. If you keep yourself busy enough with work/friends/goals/hobbies, then you won't have time to stop and ponder what is missing from your life. It buys you short term happiness, but in the long run, you will be exactly where you are today.

Pot, meet kettle.

Dana said...

Lu, but maybe we expect too much? Maybe continued passionate relationships are nothing more than some unrealistic expectation we all chase?

Buff, convenient co-habitation ... I like that. I guess my question is does it ever go away once it sets in, or does it just get more comfortable to be there?

Hubman, you know what? One can never get too many of those!

Liz Hill said...

"Dry spells of convenient co-habitation" do NOT indifference make.

It's such an important thing to care and be cared for---it doesn't have to always be sexual in a marriage but it should always be intimate.

And no one should have to live in fear.

Dana said...

Dixie, I know there are many of us who get stuck here. I don't want to get stuck - I don't want my battle cry to be "Mediocrity!"

Turn, needless to say, lack of intimacy certainly played a key part in indifference. The fear is an interesting topic on it's own and I often wonder if it's not bordering on post-traumatic stress from a very violent childhood.

Nolens Volens said...

Now I understand! What that says to me is your hubby will NOT change (you said he won't attend counseling anymore which tells me he won't change). I've seen it in my father, some lovers, and other people. I am not cynical by nature - I just tell it like it is. The only time your hubby will "get it" is when you've left and he has nobody else to take it out on. By staying AND taking it from him, you're enabling him. I left my dad long ago and I'm a better person for that.

BlogPoster said...

I am going through a similar period in my marriage. I once read a self-help book that described the commonly observed stages of conflict in a marriage. I don't remember the title of the book. Just a minute ago I tried to find it but I couldn't dig it up online. The book basically said that a distressed marriage often moves from the intimacy stage to the open conflict stage. Conflict in itself is not necessarily a bad thing. If the issues can be discussed and resolved, the couple can get back to the intimacy stage. If the couple gets stuck in the open conflict stage too long without a resolution, they move into the indifference stage. According to the book, this is a danger zone. Basically the partners have given up hope at this point. They don't fight because they don't see the point of arguing. None of the previous fights have produced any result, so they are resigned to hopelessness. Ironically, the only hope of saving the marriage is to move back to the open conflict stage. Unless that happens, the gulf between the partners grows and leads to separation. Something to be aware of. I am not an expert. I just wanted to share something I have read before that seemed to correspond to my own personal experiences.

Lu' said...

I do think the continued passionate relationship in a marriage is rare. I think the familiarity of years together is a factor. Acceptance and tolerace dim the fire and lust for one another or at least the gumption to act on those feelings.

Jay said...

I think it's pretty clear the he has no intention of making any changes whatsoever. Not for you or for anyone.

Schmoop said...

Oy...For God's sake do something about it then, Jeez.

Vixen said...

Fear is quite the motivator. Having come from a marriage where the horribleness of it became something that felt 'normal' and then sent me into a tail spin of 'survival mode'.... I can relate on many levels with what you said here.

*hugs*

kim-d said...

Yes, what Matt-Man said. Only pretty it up a little with more words because I tend to be wordy.

Maybe I'm late to the party, but I'm trying to understand why you are trying so hard to save what I just can't bring myself to call a marriage. I just don't understand, especially because it's not just you that's living inside the "situation." It's Cam, too. Not judging here, just not getting it.

My husband--the love and lust of my life--died two days before our 12th wedding anniversary. In a couple of months, it will be our 20th wedding anniversary. All throughout his illness, I couldn't help but wonder why it had to be us when there were so many couples out there who didn't even like each other. Another thing I didn't get. Not then, and not now.

Bottom line? You have to do what works for you, even if I don't get it.

Tink said...

This post makes me so incredibly sad...

Dana said...

NV, no he won't change, but this post should not at all be interpreted as a "poor-poor-pitiful me" post. Not at all, rather it's me thinking out loud and making reality concrete.

Stormy, oh, we'll not move back to the conflict stage - we can't - I can't. Separation is inevitable.

Lu, I think you'll have an argument on your hands from a few of my readers. There seems to be a thought that long-term relationships should always maintain passion and intimacy.

Dana said...

Jay, it's very clear and I am expecting no change on his part - only mine!

Matt-Man, there is far more to this than I am willing to share publicly. Let's just say that I am "doing something about it" even though I have not shared the details here.

Vixen, survival mode is not a fun place to be, but I do think it can be used - temporarily - to one's advantage.

cat said...

Dana, I worry for you. I don't want you to lose that spark that you have for life and writing.

You are a GREAT mother with a wonderful sense of who you are. Keep you and your child first, understand that you can not change someone who does not want to change and know in your heart you are loved by many.

I'm just a hop, skip and jump from you if you should ever need to leave and have a place where you won't be found. I will email you my personal email.

Dana said...

Kim-d, no need to pretty it up. Matt-Man's accurate with just a few words. There is nothing to "get" - there is no justification - and should my intent be to remain in this situation, no one would "get" it.

Tink, the reality is said - the progress will not be!

Professor Fate said...

I think your plan is sound, but my concern is for Cam's children. Children learn about "grown-up" relationships by watching the adults in their life. I got divorced because I would rather have my children learn that it is OK to quit than to learn that it is OK for married people to live in separate bedrooms.

Big Kahuna said...

Dana,

Abuse of either kind at any time is sad to see. I hope the actions underway will relieve you and Cam from this.

Take care and God bless
Kahuna and Babushka

afastdriver said...

I really enjoy your blog. I would just say verbal abuse is abuse and leads to worse...do not expose Cam to this, memories last. Leave if you can! Good Luck if you cannot.

we're doomed said...

Dana, you can't go on living like you are with the home life you have. I wish I had a solution to your problem.

Andrea said...

YES, you are absolutely right! Keep the passion alive in every other area you can and it will eventually pay off. I stayed in a very similar marriage for 16 years and when I finally left, I left everything behind but my children. Now that my children are adults, they say they respect me for what I did. Living with abuse will suck the life right out of you if you let it. Please don't let it!

katherine. said...

I still think you are a rather bright person who has a great insight into what is going on.

I am gonna choose not to give advice...but want you to know I am interested in reading about how your life will evolve from here.

kim-d said...

Ah-ha! I feel so much better now, knowing that this is just another stage that is part of a bigger plan. Even though you don't need me to tell you this, you deserve so much better.

The Queen said...

I lived the life you have. I am damaged good because of it. But I decided to make the very best of my good undamaged parts and try to keep the damaged parts tucked away in a box in my closet.

They still show their ugly heads once in awhile. even after 20 years of freedom from abuse and lavished in love...

I wish you all the best..all the strength.. and all the love from your friends.. to get you through this..

Have a great week.
THE QUEEN...

Karen said...

That "threat" is the worst. I hate walking on egg shells while still knowing that nothing I do will prevent the incident. Waiting for something to happen is almost more stressful than dealing with it when it happens.

captain corky said...

You shouldn't have to live like this Dana.

Me said...

You need to either leave or deal with it. this has been going on for forever, and you are hurting yourself and damaging your son in the process. Unless you want to lose your son completely, I suggest you leave this man.

Me said...

You need to either leave or deal with it. this has been going on for forever, and you are hurting yourself and damaging your son in the process. Unless you want to lose your son completely, I suggest you leave this man.