~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~As many of you know, I have quite the blended family - Cam is my biological son from a previous relationship, D (14) is husband's biological daughter with his ex-wife (who we'll call XW), and T (21) is husband's legally adopted son (XW's biological son from a previous relationship). A flow chart might be helpful, don't you think? This weekend was typical of the blended family struggles, and amazingly, neither Cam nor I were factors in it!
D has been struggling in school this year. As is the case for most (all?) 14 year old girls, she is a mess. Her social life has taken priority over everything else. Most recently, she took XW's 35mm camera to school to use in her photography class and lost it. She has no clue where she last saw it, nor does she seem to feel any urgency to find it. Her response? "Just chill. Give it a few days and it will turn up."
This happened on Thursday. XW decides punishment is in order and grounds her to her room for a week. The problem? This punishment falls over our visitation weekend. XW demands that D be confined to her room here - that we enforce XW's punishment. Hmmmm ... maybe a bit of communication with husband, prior to making this demand, would have been a better option? I don't know, maybe even swapping weekends so that XW could enforce her punishment in her home. Oh, but that wouldn't work - it was Valentine's weekend and she had plans to go out of town. What? Cancel her plans to make D a priority? So we have D all weekend but see her only for meals. Husband, in his true form, refuses to speak to D for 48 hours (Remember, he does the withholding of "love" thing as punishment).
D's only reprieve was church Saturday night. She was given the option of going with Cam and I and decided to go. Initially it was presented as a punishment ("She'll go to church whether she wants to or not") but I explained that church should be an option for her, not something presented as "punishment" - I won! Sorry ... got a bit off track there ...
The car seems to be a wonderful place to talk to teens. I have control of the radio and they can't get out. It's one of my favorite times to talk with Cam, so I thought I'd give it a shot with D as well. During the conversation she says, "When T had his accident ..." WHOA! Stop - hit rewind! What accident?? She tells me that on a recent road trip to Colorado over winter break, the car T was in hit a patch of ice, lost control, rolled over twice and landed in a gully. The car was totaled, but none of the 5 young men had any injuries other than a few bumps and bruises.
This trip was a month ago, and I distinctly remember the voice mail message from T that said, "Just thought I'd let you guys know that I made it home safely." I don't remember hearing the part after the roll-over accident. I now have to decide if I tell husband in hopes that he just forgot to tell me about it, or if I risk that he hasn't heard about this and he loses his mind when I tell him (he often shoots the messenger). I take a risk - he didn't know - SHIT!
He calls T and starts gnawing on him - Why didn't you tell me? Didn't you think it was important? Am I not worthy of knowing? Then hangs up on him and refuses to answer when T calls back.
Then it's XW's turn. He calls her - gets voice mail. Leaves a message similar to the conversation he's just had with T. Needless to say, she doesn't call back. Ah the drama! I felt like I was in middle school!
Tell me what you think. Should husband have been expected to carry out XW's punishment, or were there better options? Does T (an adult) have a "duty" to share details of his accident with husband?
It's no wonder 75% of second marriages end in divorce ...
D has been struggling in school this year. As is the case for most (all?) 14 year old girls, she is a mess. Her social life has taken priority over everything else. Most recently, she took XW's 35mm camera to school to use in her photography class and lost it. She has no clue where she last saw it, nor does she seem to feel any urgency to find it. Her response? "Just chill. Give it a few days and it will turn up."
This happened on Thursday. XW decides punishment is in order and grounds her to her room for a week. The problem? This punishment falls over our visitation weekend. XW demands that D be confined to her room here - that we enforce XW's punishment. Hmmmm ... maybe a bit of communication with husband, prior to making this demand, would have been a better option? I don't know, maybe even swapping weekends so that XW could enforce her punishment in her home. Oh, but that wouldn't work - it was Valentine's weekend and she had plans to go out of town. What? Cancel her plans to make D a priority? So we have D all weekend but see her only for meals. Husband, in his true form, refuses to speak to D for 48 hours (Remember, he does the withholding of "love" thing as punishment).
D's only reprieve was church Saturday night. She was given the option of going with Cam and I and decided to go. Initially it was presented as a punishment ("She'll go to church whether she wants to or not") but I explained that church should be an option for her, not something presented as "punishment" - I won! Sorry ... got a bit off track there ...
The car seems to be a wonderful place to talk to teens. I have control of the radio and they can't get out. It's one of my favorite times to talk with Cam, so I thought I'd give it a shot with D as well. During the conversation she says, "When T had his accident ..." WHOA! Stop - hit rewind! What accident?? She tells me that on a recent road trip to Colorado over winter break, the car T was in hit a patch of ice, lost control, rolled over twice and landed in a gully. The car was totaled, but none of the 5 young men had any injuries other than a few bumps and bruises.
This trip was a month ago, and I distinctly remember the voice mail message from T that said, "Just thought I'd let you guys know that I made it home safely." I don't remember hearing the part after the roll-over accident. I now have to decide if I tell husband in hopes that he just forgot to tell me about it, or if I risk that he hasn't heard about this and he loses his mind when I tell him (he often shoots the messenger). I take a risk - he didn't know - SHIT!
He calls T and starts gnawing on him - Why didn't you tell me? Didn't you think it was important? Am I not worthy of knowing? Then hangs up on him and refuses to answer when T calls back.
Then it's XW's turn. He calls her - gets voice mail. Leaves a message similar to the conversation he's just had with T. Needless to say, she doesn't call back. Ah the drama! I felt like I was in middle school!
Tell me what you think. Should husband have been expected to carry out XW's punishment, or were there better options? Does T (an adult) have a "duty" to share details of his accident with husband?
It's no wonder 75% of second marriages end in divorce ...
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28 comments:
I would say that the punishment XW dished out was hers....I guess if husband was okay with the punishment and agreed to carry out ahead of time, but i don't understand the silent treatment..that is pretty juvenile...and T is under no duty to share however the fact that he didn't speaks volumes about the kind of relationship between these two males....I would have been the first person my kids would have called.....the hanging up and silent treatment from the ADULT in this case really blows my mind...hmmmmm.
XW should carry out her own punishment. As it occurred, she punished you and your entire family by expecting you to execute it.
Frankly, punishment rarely works. (oooh look I get to use my degree) It only works if it is swift and relevant to the reason for the punishment. Positive reinforcement is a much easier way to change behavior.
You don't want me to tell you what I think of your husband. I'll just call him DMF.
Hi Dana,
No hubby doesn't have to carry out
XW punishment it is her punishment and weekend should have been switched. T out of respect should have called and told you he was ok and not to worry. I just have no idea what goes thru people's heads sometimes.
Soxyes
Tom
Nope, don't think D's visit with you should have included her punishment and shame on her Father for giving her the silent treatment, shame. Yes, T should have called his Father and filled him in but consider the Father and his less than stellar reactions and after all the car was not Fathers and the boys were fine so what the... Now D is going to feel heat when she gets home for spilling the beans.
The Bottom line to all of this and what is absolutely clear to me is that:
1} There is no communication throughout...really.
and
2} Everyone is looking out for themselves.
See? If everyone communicated and looked out for each other...these problems would not exist.
This is why my job is so easy.....
Not sure on the punishment thing. I would probably have given her a reprieve for the weekend and then she could finish her punishment back home the next week.
I would have been a little pissed if MY son didn't tell me about a wreck, just because I was his dad. But, I don't think I would have a history of going off the deep end over every little thing which would probably result in him not wanting to tell me about an accident.
first...this is just what I would do in a similar situation...
I have a convoluted blending too...but I am adamant that works for one group does NOT work in another. I have dealt with exwives...I AM an exwife...and I have had to deal with the memory of a dead wife.
If you and your husband had imposed a punishment of grounding on his daughter would his XW have carried it out? As a mom...I wouldn't have canceled my out of town plans for a three day valentines weekend...I would have delayed the grounding until I could run the show myself. From your viewpoint I would not have carried out the grounding...not for the missing camera violation.
In "T"'s case. ABSOLUTELY he should have let his father know. It can't be the XW's deal to tell you guys about it....unless there were injuries...or it was your car or insurance..even then...it's T's deal.
I think "D" might have had an inkling you and her dad didn't know. I probably would have called "T" myself and said "hey your sister spilled the beans...tell your dad or I will have to..."
I am not married to my step kids dad...they are 18 and 21...and some things I tell their dad for them...and some I make them tell him.
I believe that if XW was so concern with D following thru with the punishment for the weekend, then XW should have been there to make sure she follows thru.
You and Hub's didn't ground her, she did, why should it concern you and Hub's......I say it's not your problem, it's XW. ( I always hated shit like this, when my daughter was younger and i had my Ex and my husband had his Ex and we both had a child each and had to deal with Ex's crap they had to put on us for the weekends, Don't miss those days).
Very disrespectful of the Ex and T for not letting his Dad know that T was in a accident. Most of all if T didn't want to bother his dad with it, then the Ex should have picked up the phone. That is crazy!!! I have never heard of not telling the other parent of a accident that "their" child was in,
Seeing as you and husband had no say in the assigned punishment, you should not have had to carry it out for her.
Out of respect, T should have informed y'all of the accident. It's something any parent would want to know, but frankly, I can see why he avoided sharing it. How incredibly juvenile of your husband to hang up on someone. Does he realize at all that he pushes people away, and that people expect nothing but a negative reaction from him?
I think visitation rights are just that. Your husband should have his time with his daughter and decide what he is going to do for the weekend. For the life of me I don't understand why he would want her away from him in the bedroom. T should have told his father about the accident. Your husband shouldn't have blown a gasket over the issue. Your husband has no compassion or love for D or T, his own flesh and blood. I guess you know where Cam and you stand on the compassion and love thingy? My hope in this story besides you and Cam's happiness is that your husband doesn't learn about compassion and love too late or the hard way.
Ah Dana - You are nothing if not timely. Babushka and I begin our life in one household next week, complete with kids and exes.
I am grateful for the pep talk :-)
Life is nothing if not boring
I was gonna say something, then read Jay's comment...
Yeah, what he said!
If I was a kid, I'd figure out pretty quick how to delay my punishments if I knew that I could count on not getting stuck this weekend b/c I'd be at the "other" parent's home. So, ideally, one parent should phone the other and let them in on the scoop and agree to a CONSEQUENCE that spans both homes and is consistent but doesn't punish the wrong parent (can either parent be wrong? I mean, it's "her" designated consequence for THEIR daughter and both parents surely want THEIR daughter to understand consequnces, yes?). Anyway...I think one parent should support the other parent if the ideal isn't happening and carry out consequences, but the not speaking thing was idiotic and well- you know what I know about that. T SHOULD have told his Dad about the accident but he didn't and lots of young adult children don't and parents have to live with it. Did you tell your mother everything that might upset her? I sure didn't. Yikes that was a long comment!
Ya know there is another view that no one has mentioned. The benefit of backing up the other parent. The kid knowing that whether at moms house or dads house they are going to have their consequences, even though the parents are no longer married they can still have a united front. As for T not telling his dad about the wreck; if I had a dad like his I would keep him on a need know basis too.
I feel like seeing as the punishment went into your wkend with D she should have
A- switched wkends to enforce the punishment she gave
or
B- called your husband to discuss punishment options that they both agreed on, considering the punishment was having to be carried out at your house.
T....Yes. I feel as if he should have mentioned it. I have kept things from my mom (as an adult) that I was afraid she was going to be disappointed in me or upset about and her point to me (when she later found out about these things) was that her and I could never have a close relationship or be very good friends if I was going to keep things from her and not let her in.
If your husband helps pay for his insurance, or his car or any of those things, then he *DEF* should have told him. But otherwise it's a relationship issue.
IMO.
Breve, the silent treatment is one of the silliest things we deal with in this house.
RLL, personally, I'd have required that D "pawn" valuable items of hers to cover the cost of the 35mm camera, then allowed her those things back when she paid to get them out of "pawn" - but that's just me!
Tom, unfortunately, I don't think that any of the kids have much respect for husband and it is probably the one thing that bothers him most.
Lu, I felt kind of bad about the indirect consequences to D in my bringing up the subject to husband. It's not unusual that husband just "forgets" to tell me things so I really did think that was likely the case here.
Farceur, oh yes! You are know for your succinct, yet "visionary" comments and you certainly nailed this one!
Jay, I have no doubt that is EXACTLY why T didn't say anything to husband - and it's sad ...
Kat, If you and your husband had imposed a punishment of grounding on his daughter would his XW have carried it out? That was my first thought and I can tell you - not a chance in hell! I really like your suggestion regarding T and will use it in the future. In fact, I plan on calling him this evening and apologizing for not handling it that way.
Cat, I found it somewhat bothersome that EW's only solution was that we distribute the punishment here - that there was no discussion nor consideration for anyone but her.
Biscuit, I think he may be starting to "get" that his reactions make things worse, but doesn't seem too concerned about fixing it at this point.
In my opinion, since I'm in that situation, no, I don't think one parent has to carry out the other's punishment. Case in point; Alaina got in trouble at her dad's. He took her phone away for two weeks and she was grounded at his house for a week. The first night of her phone being taken away, she was with me for a week. He called and told me about and even said, "But that doesn't mean you have to punish her, it was at my house". and I didn't punish her. But she was punished the next week at her dad's house.
As far as the accident? No, I don't a 21 year old should tell his father. I mean, it sounds like he was better off not knowing. Unless of course the father pays for the car and the insurance. I can't tell you how many things I have found out about my boys after-the-fact, and I think, "What I didn't know didn't hurt me" and then I remember all the things I have done or that happened before I was even 18 that my mother never knew. It's just easier, ya know?
Doomed, you know, in a convoluted way, it was good to see this - to know that it isn't personal towards Cam and I but rather a "flaw" on husband's part.
Kahuna, well ... you know I wish you luck, but once the dust settles, you'll likely have a few of these issues too!
Hubman, you did say something - what Jay said!
I wouldn't be cool with enforcing a punishment that I didn't hand down. Unless it was for a serious offense that I had a problem with also, for example, a school suspension or something.
On the T thing. No, I don't think he has a duty to tell his dad.
The drama sounds like what my ex and I had right after the divorce. After 10 years we are civil.
I think you are right that a discussion of punishment should have taken place prior to her coming.
T is an adult. If he doesn't think it was important enough to share then he doesn't think it was important enough to share. Husband sounds like an emotional wreck.
Good Afternoon Dana,
Your response to RLL covers my answer to question of D. Grounding her isn't going to teacher responsibility, but making her repay the cost of the camera will.
Assuming that there are no other monetary issues. T should have informed his father out of simple respect.
I don't think that T was obligated to carry out the punishment. He could have doled out his own if he felt necessary.
T is only obligated to mention the accident if it is going to effect the insurance.
Based on what you have mentioned about your husband, I don't blame T for keeping his mouth shut.
My XW and I carry over punishments, but we also talk about them before hand. Our punishments usually "fit" the crime. (I am not sure how restricting a child to her room teaches her not to lose things.) So I probably wouldn't have carried that punishment over.
D has his own set of issues that he doesn't seem to be aware of. If he isn't careful he will end up going old alone because he has chased everyone out of his life.
Church should never be a punishment.
I am not sure if I would have told my father right away and he doesn't have a history of over-reacting.
75% of second marriages end in divorce because most people think the divorce was their previous spouses fault. They don't work on their issues (and we all have issues).
OH MAN...this hit so close to home...To answer your questions XW had NO RIGHT to give a punishment that she was not going to be around to enforce. T is an adult and should have had the sense to tell his dad...but if he does not, then what can you do?
My ex is 900 miles away..my son is an adult...so there is not a lot of drama...on the other hand...this past weekend...Boys want to spend Sunday with their dad...Nancy agrees and comes up to the apartment. 10pm call comes from the ex...youngest son is out of control, he can not handle it...can he send them home? WTF...be an adult dude...be a dad...what you only want them for the good times ? (actually the answer to that last is a resounding YES)
In the end...she goes home so she is there IF the boys come home...of course they do not...but they knew that no matter what, they are the priority and I understand that 1,000,000%
Its stories like this that make me glad to be in a first relation with young kids.
You did the right thing regarding T. I agree with you about D...XY shouldn't make demands regarding how you spend your time with D. My oldest is just younger than D and I am starting to dread what will happen in a year or two with her.
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