My Version of Norman Rockwell

I've been reading many of the holiday blog greetings with a bit of fleeting envy, and a dash of cynicism. Repeatedly I read about fabulous food and family gatherings, most bordering on visions of Norman Rockwell and all seemingly devoid of anything negative. I'm not sure if my views on the holidays are selfish, or just far more realistic than most people are willing to confess. With Santa a passing memory, I'm done pretending, and wishing, that Christmas is anything more than what it is.

As a kid, my family always went to Aunt Vicki and Uncle Dick's house. They had the most kids and thus, the biggest house. They were also centrally located in Washington state, making the trip "fair" for the family living on the coast, as well as family living on the east side of the state. One Christmas, when I was 14, we just stopped making this trip. I don't remember any specific event that took place to cause the change - it just happened.

My family has its share of quirks and drama, with the occasional alcoholic and bi-polar relative thrown in. My guess is that it looks like most other families. I don't know about the rest of you, but I've yet to meet a family where all members are still married to their first spouse, and there aren't warnings to young children about staying away from the creepy uncle.

The older I get, the clearer my family’s quirks become. I don't see this as a bad thing. The little family I grew up in has gained in-laws, stepparents, current-love-interests, etc. and things just aren't as they once were, or as others think they should be. This is the main reason I give for changing my nuclear family’s Christmas traditions, and for celebrating the holidays in "our" home, on "our" terms.

It’s taken me quite a few years to accept that life is short, ever changing and not fair. I have lost the desire to pretend for the benefit of others. Every family has their history, and mine is pretty screwed up rich and vibrant. I've given up on using my family filters - I call a duck a duck - and my family doesn't like it. I do things differently than I used to - I no longer avoid confrontation with my mother over parenting, but instead ask her to leave my home when she has crossed boundaries. I no longer pretend that my father can have just one beer to loosen up a bit, but rather tell him if he visits, there will be no alcohol in the house and he will be asked to leave if he brings his own.

We can’t pull off the Norman Rockwell version of the holidays. Not everything is fine, and I’m okay with that. This Christmas, I will miss my extended family, but I'll enjoy my own nuclear family, with our Kielbasa and macaroni and cheese Christmas dinner and our trip to the movies afterward.

On one hand, I see myself as the most selfish person in the world, as someone who’s not willing to put a face on for the sake of family. For all of our flaws, we are, after all, family. Who am I to extract myself? What about the kids?

On the other hand, I know there are other people who either have done this, or wish they had the nerve to. Maybe it’s just the evolution of family and traditions through time. At what point did your parents change your family’s traditions? When will you? How liberating would it be not to have to suffer your jerk sister-in-law simply because she shares the same parents, and absolutely nothing else, with your spouse? Would you give her the time of day if she weren’t family?

It may not sound like it, but I really do like the Christmas season and the new traditions my "blended" family has started. I sincerely hope you are able to enjoy your family and friends - those that you have specifically chosen to spend your precious time with.