24 December 2007

My Version of Norman Rockwell

I've been reading many of the holiday blog greetings with a bit of fleeting envy, and a dash of cynicism. Repeatedly I read about fabulous food and family gatherings, most bordering on visions of Norman Rockwell and all seemingly devoid of anything negative. I'm not sure if my views on the holidays are selfish, or just far more realistic than most people are willing to confess. With Santa a passing memory, I'm done pretending, and wishing, that Christmas is anything more than what it is.

As a kid, my family always went to Aunt Vicki and Uncle Dick's house. They had the most kids and thus, the biggest house. They were also centrally located in Washington state, making the trip "fair" for the family living on the coast, as well as family living on the east side of the state. One Christmas, when I was 14, we just stopped making this trip. I don't remember any specific event that took place to cause the change - it just happened.

My family has its share of quirks and drama, with the occasional alcoholic and bi-polar relative thrown in. My guess is that it looks like most other families. I don't know about the rest of you, but I've yet to meet a family where all members are still married to their first spouse, and there aren't warnings to young children about staying away from the creepy uncle.

The older I get, the clearer my family’s quirks become. I don't see this as a bad thing. The little family I grew up in has gained in-laws, stepparents, current-love-interests, etc. and things just aren't as they once were, or as others think they should be. This is the main reason I give for changing my nuclear family’s Christmas traditions, and for celebrating the holidays in "our" home, on "our" terms.

It’s taken me quite a few years to accept that life is short, ever changing and not fair. I have lost the desire to pretend for the benefit of others. Every family has their history, and mine is pretty screwed up rich and vibrant. I've given up on using my family filters - I call a duck a duck - and my family doesn't like it. I do things differently than I used to - I no longer avoid confrontation with my mother over parenting, but instead ask her to leave my home when she has crossed boundaries. I no longer pretend that my father can have just one beer to loosen up a bit, but rather tell him if he visits, there will be no alcohol in the house and he will be asked to leave if he brings his own.

We can’t pull off the Norman Rockwell version of the holidays. Not everything is fine, and I’m okay with that. This Christmas, I will miss my extended family, but I'll enjoy my own nuclear family, with our Kielbasa and macaroni and cheese Christmas dinner and our trip to the movies afterward.

On one hand, I see myself as the most selfish person in the world, as someone who’s not willing to put a face on for the sake of family. For all of our flaws, we are, after all, family. Who am I to extract myself? What about the kids?

On the other hand, I know there are other people who either have done this, or wish they had the nerve to. Maybe it’s just the evolution of family and traditions through time. At what point did your parents change your family’s traditions? When will you? How liberating would it be not to have to suffer your jerk sister-in-law simply because she shares the same parents, and absolutely nothing else, with your spouse? Would you give her the time of day if she weren’t family?

It may not sound like it, but I really do like the Christmas season and the new traditions my "blended" family has started. I sincerely hope you are able to enjoy your family and friends - those that you have specifically chosen to spend your precious time with.

14 comments:

MrRyanO said...

"...Kielbasa and macaroni and cheese Christmas dinner and our trip to the movies afterward."

This sounds like a much more fun time to me! One year when I was a kid we did something similar and it ranks up there as one of the best!

:D

Leighann said...

To tell you the truth the only family tradition we had was going to Gramma Mac's house on Christmas Day. Since she passed away and my dad went AWOL with Jabba the Slut, I could care less to spend time with that part of the family.

Jerk sister-in-law.... I have 4 of them. No, I wouldn't associate with them if it weren't for marriage. Not ONE of them.

Jay said...

I think a lot of people do the big family gathering simply out of some feeling of obligation. I'm sure some really are close and sincere and enjoy getting together. But, the rest just get everybody together and put the best face on the situation they can.

When I was a kid we would all go over to my grandmother's house on Christmas. The kids would all play football or run around in the field and the parents would do what grown ups do. It was all pretty cool until my parents got divorced. My mother doesn't have any real family around and she didn't feel comfortable going to grandma's with dad and his ho and her two demon spawns. So that tradition slowly died off.

Now, this year its actually just going to be me and my mother. No Christmas tree, no decorations. Just a couple of presents and a Christmas dinner and a couple of DVDs. That's pretty cool too though.

We can't go to my sister's in Omaha cause we worry about getting snowed in up there. I think the less complicated we keep the holidays the easier they are to enjoy.

Schmoop said...

"...the most selfish person in the world?" Hardly...you sound like you are just demonstrating sanity and resolution.

The Kielbasa and Mac sounds divine. Enjoy your Christmas and Cheers!!

Amy said...

I think the feeling of obligation has a lot to do with it. In some ways, I'm glad we don't live near family, because we would feel obligated to see some people we'd rather not see... but at the same time, I miss being with my family and DH's family for the holidays.

Dana said...

RockDog, it is my hope that my kids feel exactly the same way!

Leighann, wouldn't it be nice if we could hand pick our family?

Jay, my family has never quite understood my views on obligations for the holidays - my only obligation is to make it as special as I can for the kids!

Dana said...

Matt-man, Kielbasa and Mac is about as close as one can get to SPAM without actually going there. One of these days I'll convince the kids of the virtues of SPAM.

Amy, what I've discovered is that I miss the idea of family during the holidays. Somehow it just never turns out the way I invisioned!

Unknown said...

Alcohol and bipolar was Christmas with my parents...something we cut out, now we schedule a time to exchange gifts and it is short and quick...though my dad is currently a recovering alcoholic (8 months on 1/1).
Dysfunctional is tonight with my in-laws but also something I can tolerate a few more years and I never lie, my mouth can get vicious when I get ticked there.
True midwestern sounding Christmas feast there...ours is munchy food, like homemade salsa & taco dip, pizza rolls, and popcorn shrimp. We will play any new games that are under the tree or watch any new movies....we do not leave the house on Christmas Day.

Have a good one Dana!

Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas to you!

Dana said...

Sassy Lucy, we exchange gifts through the mail!

Preposterous ponderings, right back at you!!

R.E.H. said...

I'm actually one of those who really like having the family all gathered come Christmas time... didn't expect that one coming, the way I've been complaining about Christmas lately.

Well... first of all, I'm fortunate enought to in fact have a family filled with sane people (or maybe we're just all insane, so we can't see the difference).

But, the problem is that since Grandma passed away, we no longer get together. She was the steadfast point for all of us... now the others are all spread out among families of their respective one's and that leaves those of us who are yet to find true love behind.

This year, Christmas Eve will be just me and my mother. Christmas Day we'll be going to my aunt, and my cousing will be there with his lady and two little girls (they're not even that little anymore, but I pretend they are to make me less old).

Merry Christmas!

buffalodick said...

This was very well-written and very well thought out. There is no normal family. Ward, June, The Beaver, and Wally are a myth we all were told by Hollywood. We are all people just trying to enjoy the passage through Life as best we can. We all have had celebrations that were more work than play, but our memories can airbrush or magnify as we see fit. Have a Merry Christmas- I personally love good Kielbasa and
mac-n-cheese! The prime rib tomorrow is for the ones I love, not for me...

Dana said...

R.E.H., can I come to your family Christmas - just once? I'd have to see a "sane" family in person to believe it! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Buffalodickdy, isn't that what Christmas is all about? Giving to those who we love, and honoring those who love us despite our flaws? MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, when I was young, the fact that my oldest brother is a pushy asshole was probably made for "quirks" on every holiday and family gathering, now that I'm in my 30's and he is in his 40's and married to someone that is as big of an ass as him...it's just awkward and annoying being in the same room with them.

Happy Holidays lol