06 January 2009

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby ...

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For some silly reason, there is no TMI Tuesday post today, but I cannot let a Tuesday go by without talking about sex - since talking about it is my only outlet these days ...

CNN recently reported that 4o million Americans live in marriages that are utterly platonic. That's about ONE THIRD of all marriages. Platonic. Without sex. And here I thought I was special. Seems this cruise ship I'm on has quite a few passengers.

The Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (for those of you who watch TLC, he's the host of Shalom in the Home) has a 7 day plan for bringing passion back into your marriage. Now, I won't go into just how absurd this plan would be if attempted in my home, but I thought some of you might find it interesting.

Night 1: He Massages Her

Now, the Rabbi claims this should be a long, sensual massage that is not focused on her sexual zones. Long? Is this like asking a man how long 6" is? I'm thinking long would be lucky to hit 5 minutes, but I digress. The Rabbi claims this is the starting point because it involves the non-sexual zones of the body and as such stokes the fire of desire by specifically frustrating its further progression. OK ... on to Night 2

Night 2: She Returns the Favor

It's good to see that the Rabbi believes in reciprocity. Now, in my world, I would need to reverse nights one and two and cross my fingers and get out the magic fairy dust in hopes that my efforts would be reciprocated. The Rabbi claims that you must show that you derive as much joy from witnessing your spouse come alive through your touch as you do from being touched yourself. I find it funny that he also says that the husband, being the gentleman he is, however, must pamper his wife first. Right ...

Night 3: It's Touch Time

Night three brings on sexual touch. The husband is to touch his wife’s body all over, this time paying special attention to her erogenous zones and ending the evening by focusing specifically on her sexual zone (His words, not mine. I guess the Rabbi isn't big on using proper words like Vay-Jay-Jay). This touch is not to result in climax. Hello? If I'm in a platonic marriage - not getting sex - and I am getting teased for three days, I am finishing it damn it! *sneaks into the bathroom to take care of business*

Night 4: His Turn

On night four, the wife does the same to her husband. This seems like a new method of torture. In fact, I'm fairly certain I couldn't get away with this one. The premise is that this is all about widening the definition of sex - making it more than simple intercourse followed by unfulfilling climax. I don't know about all of you, but my climaxes - at least the ones I give myself these days - are pretty fulfilling! The Rabbi says that "Succumbing to the desire to purge the sexual urge negates all that you wish to accomplish in terms of heightening arousal and increasing desire." Trust me, in a platonic marriage, my desire is beyond increased ...

Night 5: Deep Kissing

Yes, that's right! Get in the car, put the kids in the trunk leave the kids behind, and find your favorite make-out spot. Night five brings serious kissing with heavy petting. The Rabbi states, "Concentrate on breathing and use looking at each other as a form of non-verbal communication." Concentrate on breathing? I'm thinking any and all blood flow has left my brain long ago, but that's just me.

Night 6: Have a "Mind Orgasm"

This is getting just foolish now. On night six you are to "make love without climax. Have intercourse that lasts a long, long time." What kind of people can - I mean physically can - follow this advise? Seriously. If I want a "Mind Orgasm" I'll video chat with my cyber husband read Nietzsche.

Night 7: Take It Home

That's right, night 7 is the big one ... assuming it lasts longer than 30 seconds due to an overabundance of sexual frustration!

Look, in a perfect world, where passion is on the back burner and not completely absent from the relationship, I might think this would work, but honestly? I'm not buying it. I don't believe for a moment that those 40 million platonic marriages will suddenly be revived after playing teenager for 7 days. Maybe 40, but not 40 million.

Now, I'll report back next week to let you know if I've found my own internal passion after completing the 7-day, solitary passion plan ...

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27 comments:

Anonymous said...

pretty funny stuff, although I understand the frustration under it all.....yeah, not sure about the Rabbi's plan....he does not address the issue as to why there is no passion. And if I get the slightest touch from a man...we are going the distance, damn it!!!

"make love without climax. Have intercourse that lasts a long, long time."

Is the good Rabbi advocating tantric sex practices???

Schmoop said...

I have an alternate plan. We throw on some tunes. Break open some drinks, cook dinner together half naked. And then...

After eating we head to the bedroom and have sex for a couple of hours. Is that too simplistic? Cheers!!

Knight said...

What the? How in the hell can someone that sexually repressed stand seven days of foreplay? By far the craziest is day six. You would go only half way on purpose?
Good luck!

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

Gee...I have done all 7 days in one night...does that count?

I was one of those 40,000,000 for about 8 years...

I resigned from that club...jumped ship as it were and now I am flying high...

So can you!

Another Suburban Mom said...

Okay then. I think the program of committing to having sex every day for a month might be a better way to stir things up than this.

That is a lot of people not having sex with their spouses. No wonder AM is so busy!

g-man said...

Yeah, I can see all that compressed into on night with 7 parts, maybe. And really that kind of solution works if you keep it in practice.

Jormengrund said...

To be honest, having someone in a marriage that works try to let someone in a breaking marriage how to fix it is just STUPID.

That, and if this rabbi has never been married, then where the hell is he getting his information?

Rekindling the spirit of desire and romance takes TWO people. If spouse #1 isn't interested, then the deal's off, plain and simple.

Dana, you might be interested, but I highly doubt that you're going to be able to stimpulate interest in someone who is cutting themself off from you emotionally.

Best of luck, but I'd say self-love is going to be more your style until things get settled....

Real Live Lesbian said...

I'm with Bond. I was on that boat for a damn long time and I'll pass on any further cruising.

I say find someone that wants to play. He said it was okay....

;)

Jay said...

"Mind Orgasm?"

I like the phrase "sexual zone" though. For some people that's their whole body!

katherine. said...

maybe hours...not days.

first hour he massages....second hour I do...might not make it to the seventh hour.

Nicey said...

Fuck all that for a game of soldiers, if its not happened after 3 nights then its history !
Laters

Nicey

M said...

Hehehe!

Really?? He's like serious?

Nolens Volens said...

"Vay-jay-jay"? LOL! I personally prefer "pussy" over "vagina". (As a player) Who wants to hit a vagina when you can hit a pussy? ;)

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't make it..I am happy to say. For me and my wife? These seven days would be about seven hours...actually less. We would be skipping stuff and getting busy right away...

we're doomed said...

Dana, why don't you try that All-American cure for no sex: a 12 pack of beer and a trip to the drive-in or back road.

Jill said...

I must admit I got a little hot thinking about this and how frustrating the teasing for several days would be, but honestly? Don't you wish somehow your husband (or any man for any woman for that matter) read the stuff we did? Like this particular article? Wouldn't it be nice if the roles were reversed and men were trying to find ways to better our relationships and fuel our desires?

I wish.

Hubman said...

Your 7 day solo plan?

We'll be waiting to hear the results ;-)

Biscuit said...

Solitary passion plan... *snort* I am totally not platonic with myself. Day 7, baby!

Dana said...

Breve, I'm thinking this might be a fun little game if generally the marriage was in good order, but I'm thinking the majority of those 40 million couples who aren't having sex don't have generally good marriages!

Matt-Man, not too simplistic at all. I'll take one of those to go please!

Knight, when you figure that out, let me know.

Dana said...

Bond, I have too, once upon a time!

ASM, you know, those 40 million couples might not be having sex with each other, but something tells me they are having sex.

g-man, that solution only works if passion is the only thing missing in your marriage.

Dana said...

Jormengrund, my situation is FAR beyond this ever working. I'm stimulating nothing but myself these days!

RLL, well, we both know that what he says, and what reality brings, are often two very different things, but damn it's tempting!

Jay, wanna have a mind orgasm with me? That can't be cheating now, can it?

Dana said...

Kat, I'm still trying to get past the "he makes the first move" concept - in my dreams!

Nicey, you are a man who knows what he wants!

M, I think he his very serious, although I find him quite comical!

Dana said...

NV, living in a home with a 13 (almost) year boy, we are still going with the standard penis and vagina in this house!

Flyinfox, if I was guaranteed sex on the seventh day, I'd be right there playing along!

Doomed, oh! I'm getting sex, it's just not with a partner *wink*

Dana said...

Random, funny you mention this, I had to take a cold shower in the middle of writing it! Actually, I have run in to quite a few men (bloggers) who seem to be desperately trying to rekindle the passion in their marriage. It has been a bit eye-opening for me.

Hubman, I think I should start the plan on Monday so that the Sabbath is truly sacred!

Biscuit, yeah ... well ... let's just say that it's day 7 just about every day here, only the partner is silicon, not passionate!

snugs said...

Is it still called sex when it is alone or with silicone? Maybe I need a modern day definition of sex..masturbation/self stimulation does not constitute sex in my dictionary, but what ever gives you & those other 40 mil couples pleasure you go girl :)

Moosekahl said...

I'm be gone by night two!

Vixen said...

A MIND ORGASM?!?!?!

Um....I'm going to so totally pass on that.

LOLOLOL