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For some silly reason, there is no TMI Tuesday post today, but I cannot let a Tuesday go by without talking about sex - since talking about it is my only outlet these days ...
CNN recently reported that 4o million Americans live in marriages that are utterly platonic. That's about ONE THIRD of all marriages. Platonic. Without sex. And here I thought I was special. Seems this cruise ship I'm on has quite a few passengers.
The Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (for those of you who watch TLC, he's the host of Shalom in the Home) has a 7 day plan for bringing passion back into your marriage. Now, I won't go into just how absurd this plan would be if attempted in my home, but I thought some of you might find it interesting.
Night 1: He Massages Her
Now, the Rabbi claims this should be a long, sensual massage that is not focused on her sexual zones. Long? Is this like asking a man how long 6" is? I'm thinking long would be lucky to hit 5 minutes, but I digress. The Rabbi claims this is the starting point because it involves the non-sexual zones of the body and as such stokes the fire of desire by specifically frustrating its further progression. OK ... on to Night 2
Night 2: She Returns the Favor
It's good to see that the Rabbi believes in reciprocity. Now, in my world, I would need to reverse nights one and two and cross my fingers and get out the magic fairy dust in hopes that my efforts would be reciprocated. The Rabbi claims that you must show that you derive as much joy from witnessing your spouse come alive through your touch as you do from being touched yourself. I find it funny that he also says that the husband, being the gentleman he is, however, must pamper his wife first. Right ...
Night 3: It's Touch Time
Night three brings on sexual touch. The husband is to touch his wife’s body all over, this time paying special attention to her erogenous zones and ending the evening by focusing specifically on her sexual zone (His words, not mine. I guess the Rabbi isn't big on using proper words like Vay-Jay-Jay). This touch is not to result in climax. Hello? If I'm in a platonic marriage - not getting sex - and I am getting teased for three days, I am finishing it damn it! *sneaks into the bathroom to take care of business*
Night 4: His Turn
On night four, the wife does the same to her husband. This seems like a new method of torture. In fact, I'm fairly certain I couldn't get away with this one. The premise is that this is all about widening the definition of sex - making it more than simple intercourse followed by unfulfilling climax. I don't know about all of you, but my climaxes -at least the ones I give myself these days - are pretty fulfilling! The Rabbi says that "Succumbing to the desire to purge the sexual urge negates all that you wish to accomplish in terms of heightening arousal and increasing desire." Trust me, in a platonic marriage, my desire is beyond increased ...
Night 5: Deep Kissing
Yes, that's right! Get in the car,put the kids in the trunk leave the kids behind, and find your favorite make-out spot. Night five brings serious kissing with heavy petting. The Rabbi states, "Concentrate on breathing and use looking at each other as a form of non-verbal communication." Concentrate on breathing? I'm thinking any and all blood flow has left my brain long ago, but that's just me.
Night 6: Have a "Mind Orgasm"
This is getting just foolish now. On night six you are to "make love without climax. Have intercourse that lasts a long, long time." What kind of people can - I mean physically can - follow this advise? Seriously. If I want a "Mind Orgasm" I'llvideo chat with my cyber husband read Nietzsche.
Night 7: Take It Home
That's right, night 7 is the big one ... assuming it lasts longer than 30 seconds due to an overabundance of sexual frustration!
Look, in a perfect world, where passion is on the back burner and not completely absent from the relationship, I might think this would work, but honestly? I'm not buying it. I don't believe for a moment that those 40 million platonic marriages will suddenly be revived after playing teenager for 7 days. Maybe 40, but not 40 million.
Now, I'll report back next week to let you know if I've found my own internal passion after completing the 7-day, solitary passion plan ...
CNN recently reported that 4o million Americans live in marriages that are utterly platonic. That's about ONE THIRD of all marriages. Platonic. Without sex. And here I thought I was special. Seems this cruise ship I'm on has quite a few passengers.
The Rabbi Shmuley Boteach (for those of you who watch TLC, he's the host of Shalom in the Home) has a 7 day plan for bringing passion back into your marriage. Now, I won't go into just how absurd this plan would be if attempted in my home, but I thought some of you might find it interesting.
Night 1: He Massages Her
Now, the Rabbi claims this should be a long, sensual massage that is not focused on her sexual zones. Long? Is this like asking a man how long 6" is? I'm thinking long would be lucky to hit 5 minutes, but I digress. The Rabbi claims this is the starting point because it involves the non-sexual zones of the body and as such stokes the fire of desire by specifically frustrating its further progression. OK ... on to Night 2
Night 2: She Returns the Favor
It's good to see that the Rabbi believes in reciprocity. Now, in my world, I would need to reverse nights one and two and cross my fingers and get out the magic fairy dust in hopes that my efforts would be reciprocated. The Rabbi claims that you must show that you derive as much joy from witnessing your spouse come alive through your touch as you do from being touched yourself. I find it funny that he also says that the husband, being the gentleman he is, however, must pamper his wife first. Right ...
Night 3: It's Touch Time
Night three brings on sexual touch. The husband is to touch his wife’s body all over, this time paying special attention to her erogenous zones and ending the evening by focusing specifically on her sexual zone (His words, not mine. I guess the Rabbi isn't big on using proper words like Vay-Jay-Jay). This touch is not to result in climax. Hello? If I'm in a platonic marriage - not getting sex - and I am getting teased for three days, I am finishing it damn it! *sneaks into the bathroom to take care of business*
Night 4: His Turn
On night four, the wife does the same to her husband. This seems like a new method of torture. In fact, I'm fairly certain I couldn't get away with this one. The premise is that this is all about widening the definition of sex - making it more than simple intercourse followed by unfulfilling climax. I don't know about all of you, but my climaxes -
Night 5: Deep Kissing
Yes, that's right! Get in the car,
Night 6: Have a "Mind Orgasm"
This is getting just foolish now. On night six you are to "make love without climax. Have intercourse that lasts a long, long time." What kind of people can - I mean physically can - follow this advise? Seriously. If I want a "Mind Orgasm" I'll
Night 7: Take It Home
That's right, night 7 is the big one ... assuming it lasts longer than 30 seconds due to an overabundance of sexual frustration!
Look, in a perfect world, where passion is on the back burner and not completely absent from the relationship, I might think this would work, but honestly? I'm not buying it. I don't believe for a moment that those 40 million platonic marriages will suddenly be revived after playing teenager for 7 days. Maybe 40, but not 40 million.
Now, I'll report back next week to let you know if I've found my own internal passion after completing the 7-day, solitary passion plan ...
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