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Cam and I attended a conference at the church this weekend that addressed "God’s design for guys, girls and sexuality" (the text in quotes is from their flier). I've just lost about half of you with the mention of church and God in the first sentence of this post, didn't I?
Some of you might be familiar with church sponsored Purity Balls (daughters "dating," and pledging their sexual abstinence to, their fathers - creepy if you ask me) and Purity Pledges (signed oath to remain a virgin). I was concerned this was going to be along those lines and was hesitant to enroll. Although I encourage abstinence for Cam, I am also realistic enough to teach safe sex practices. I think both are extremely important.
The statistics are what first caught my attention - about 12% of middle school students (grades 6-8 and the target audience for this conference) have had sex - Over 1 in 5 middle school students are considered sexually active - by high school graduation, 3 out of 4 students have had sex or have been sexually active. Some of you will look at that and think it's no big deal - just the progression into adulthood. Honestly, I think it is a big deal and I want better for my son.
When I say I want better for Cam, understand what that means. In my world, it means that he will be "protected" (as much as he can be) from growing up too quickly. From having to make decisions/choices before his brain is developed enough to make those decisions and choices in the most efficient way. I know that he is bombarded - daily - with sexually charged images, songs, jokes, media, web sites, ads, education, and conversations. I also know that most of this is beyond his cognitive abilities. I know that I must allow my son to grow up, but I also know that he is not capable of making GOOD decisions regarding sex and relationships at this point.
My concern about this conference was how the information would be presented. Seriously, how many of you can imagine discussing lust, pornography, media choices, respect, modesty and self-image - in an age appropriate, informative way - while sitting in church? There was one moment where things got a little out of a hand. A doctor, who was also a parent, decided he wanted to elaborate on the medical risks associated with unprotected sex, bod piercings, etc. He went off on a scare tactic speech - not an approach I believe works well with kids who honestly believe they are invincible. Fortunately, he was not a scheduled part of the conference - all other topics were handled in a much more balanced way.
The kids did end the overnight conference by signing a list of Purity Promises and discussing why and how they can keep these promises. These are the promises they committed to:
Some of you might be familiar with church sponsored Purity Balls (daughters "dating," and pledging their sexual abstinence to, their fathers - creepy if you ask me) and Purity Pledges (signed oath to remain a virgin). I was concerned this was going to be along those lines and was hesitant to enroll. Although I encourage abstinence for Cam, I am also realistic enough to teach safe sex practices. I think both are extremely important.
The statistics are what first caught my attention - about 12% of middle school students (grades 6-8 and the target audience for this conference) have had sex - Over 1 in 5 middle school students are considered sexually active - by high school graduation, 3 out of 4 students have had sex or have been sexually active. Some of you will look at that and think it's no big deal - just the progression into adulthood. Honestly, I think it is a big deal and I want better for my son.
When I say I want better for Cam, understand what that means. In my world, it means that he will be "protected" (as much as he can be) from growing up too quickly. From having to make decisions/choices before his brain is developed enough to make those decisions and choices in the most efficient way. I know that he is bombarded - daily - with sexually charged images, songs, jokes, media, web sites, ads, education, and conversations. I also know that most of this is beyond his cognitive abilities. I know that I must allow my son to grow up, but I also know that he is not capable of making GOOD decisions regarding sex and relationships at this point.
My concern about this conference was how the information would be presented. Seriously, how many of you can imagine discussing lust, pornography, media choices, respect, modesty and self-image - in an age appropriate, informative way - while sitting in church? There was one moment where things got a little out of a hand. A doctor, who was also a parent, decided he wanted to elaborate on the medical risks associated with unprotected sex, bod piercings, etc. He went off on a scare tactic speech - not an approach I believe works well with kids who honestly believe they are invincible. Fortunately, he was not a scheduled part of the conference - all other topics were handled in a much more balanced way.
The kids did end the overnight conference by signing a list of Purity Promises and discussing why and how they can keep these promises. These are the promises they committed to:
- I strive to keep my thought life pure by developing a habit of prayer and Bible study
- I strive to watch only PG rated movies that honor God, genders and the gift of sex
- I commit to having an open and honest internet accountability partnership with my parents
- I will remove the temptations of TV and internet by removing my TV and computer from my room
- I strive to avoid all late night TV
- I commit to high 5's, handshakes and side hugs
- I commit to dressing modestly and seeking my parents' approval in all I wear
- I will not wear clothing with words on my butt or that calls attention to my sexuality
- I will not use sexually explicit language
- I will avoid the magazine aisle
- I strive to avoid compromising situations with the opposite gender where adults are not present
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42 comments:
I don't think there is anything wrong with teaching abstinence to middle-school aged children (key word being "children"--regardless of what they think *wink*). I am also in agreement that along with this, you teach safe sex. Even if it doesn't seem like abstinence is likely, it doesn't hurt to put it in there as an option.
I'm no prude; quite the opposite, but those stats about middle school kids is quite sobering. Even though they like to think they're all sophisticated and adult at that age, their brains are nowhere near ready for what could happen.
Way, way back in the early 1990s when my stepdaughter was a teen, I went with the realistic, safe sex AND abstinence route, too. I just don't think it's a bad idea to show the full spectrum.
Hmmmmmm.
I think abstinence balanced with realistic is very apropriate for middle schoolers, as I coach a co-ed track team and hear plenty.
The whole Purity Pledge/Promise thing though, I don't agree with.
I believe it's basically setting kids up for failure.
I think abstinence only is how a lot of us were conceived.
I think you have to teach that it's important to abstain and why it's important to abstain in some real world way. And I think you have to teach safe sex.
YOu have a mind set now that oral sex isn't really sex---how do you 'abstain' from that?
One more thing--I think those 'purity balls' are creepy as all get out.
When the time comes (Darling Boy is 8, so that will probably be sooner than I'm ready for!), we'll teach respect for is body, for others bodies, and for your heart, but we will also be practical and teach him about safe sex.
How will we achieve that balance? No freakin' idea!
I am all for any approach other than "have sex before getting married and you go straight to hell" although I have never heard that preached in any church I attended......
I don't have a problem with purity pledges.....When my girls turned 12....we took just the one out for a nice dinner and I gave one of my thin gold bands that had served as my first wedding bands for about 15 years...the idea was for that ring to be a reminder that they first belong to Christ (and to remind them to make good decisions),and one day the ring would be replaced by the ring their husbands would give them....I don't think it was setting them up for failure....I was quite open about sex in the house.....I answered any and all questions...they knew what my hope was for them...they knew that I advocated waiting until in committed relationship but that was more for their physical and emotional health....not so much spiritual....
Ultimately the choice was theirs....
Both approaches are good and I think they need to combined to get that synergy. With my teens I am keeping my fingers crossed. My oldest have learned from the difficulties of friends from school, both boys and girls.
I'm not sure *what* to think. My girls are still preschoolers, but when the time comes, I will probably stress safer sex practices rather than abstinence, mostly from personal experience. I have (and always have had) an incredibly close relationship with my mother, but I knew how much she *didn't* want me to have sex, and so even though she encouraged me to talk openly with her, there was that subtext of "but just don't have sex", so when the time came, I didn't discuss it with her.
I'll try to find the link, but I saw an article recently that discussed a study done about purity pledges, etc. I seem to remember the findings where that adolecents who took them were no less likely to have sex before marriage (though they did delay a bit longer than their non-pledging counterparts), but that when they did have sex, they were much less likely to protect themselves - apparently, breaking the pledge is easier to swallow if you didn't actually plan to do it and it "just sort of happens".
http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/123/1/e110
Your method of "balanced" is exactly the direction I intend to go.
I have to admit, the magazine aisle thing made me chuckle. But, how sad that we live in a world where that is an honest concern.
Our whole lives are strung together by choices. I feel stressing choices, and the given consequences to young people will enable them to use their budding deductive reasoning skills, and help them feel better about whatever choices they make. Above all on this subject, safe sex information should be provided simply and clearly, with no misunderstandings or fear. Nature intended us to breed, and Nature has always found a way to do that! Remember your sexual awakening- what you wished you had known- and teach it to the next generation...
I don't think there is a problem teaching abstinence to middle-school, the right way of course because is beautiful to teach them if they have sex use protection, because that is really the emphasis that the school will give to them, but teach them a balance that every action have a consequence that will affect his life and his future,how good is to wait and not to grow up to fast to let the growing up happen when it should.... that what I at least I will teach mines.
I am a firm believer in balance. Be smart...don't have sex just because others are, but if you decide to do so, protection 100% of the time.
This is what I taught Matt and I believe he learned and is continuing to be safe.
I am not sure what "I will avoid the magazine aisle" is about and I am sorry, but those 'purity balls' seem more creepy than anything else.
Hear and win new music on Monday's on The Couch
I completely agree that teaching abstinence AND safe sex and being open and honest with kids is the way to go. I think it's the only way to really be effective in terms of getting them to listen. Kids know when they're being bullshitted and they know when you are just telling them what you think they SHOULD hear.
I'm not big on the purity pledges though. I agree with M. It's setting kids up for failure and guilt. I know most churches are built on failure and guilt, but still. ;-)
I also don't think you can hide the world from kids. Trying to censor what they see and hear and being too sheltering is also setting them up for problems. If you're open with them and talk to them about the "real world" then they will be much better prepared to deal with it and resist all the temptations they will encounter as they get older.
I am all for education...but...I still believe that parenting is the final line of defense. I pity those parents who THINK that, by having their kids sign the purity promises, that's that. In fact, I knew a young woman who devotes her life to God...while engaging in heavy petting and oral sex with other men. How's that for hypocrisy? If you're wondering how I could possibly know, she tried to do the same with me. No thanks.
Clearly both abstinence and safe sex have to be part of the picture. It is not realistic for young adults to remain pure until marriage in today's society.
I am a pretty conservative person and I am active Catholic. But I am also a realist. I think some of those pledges are even too strict for my tastes. LOL.
All in all I think this a great idea. It get Cam thinking about sexual morals if nothing else.
I think it all depends on the kid and how 'their' home is run so to speak...the dynamics in the home with the parents. Balance is key I believe...because I don't believe in absolutes...as in 'this way or no way'. There are so many variables in play with tweens and teens. Cimmunication and education and good old open discussions 'with' the kids. I think if parents are open and Frank and don't shy away from discussions and act all secretive and such, the kids fare much better and will be more apt to actually talk about things.
Based solely on my own experience, it seems obvious to me that abstinence only education does nothing to dissuade sexual activity. It teaches us to feel guilty and shameful for being interested in sex and sexuality. Ignoring it doesn't teach a person responsibility. When you get right down to it, that's the main issue right there. When you get involved in bumping your naked privates together you open yourself up to being not only responsible to yourself and your own safety (stds, pregnancy, emotional welfare), but to those of your partner as well, and any children that may result from the union. No matter what precautions you take, pregnancy and disease are possible outcomes of sexual activity. If we teach our children the reality of sex as well as the responsibility that goes with it - a lesson we should be teaching them anyway because it speaks to everything in life - then they will be better equipped to make their own decisions and fulfill their personal destinies in a healthy and progressive way. You can't just become your kids buddies either, you still have to take that parental role in all this, and share. Share your mistakes, be honest with them, give them the real tools they'll need. If we keep whitewashing the world, I'm afraid we'll all be quite surprised to find that we've raised a generation who has absolutely no clue how to cope.
kim-d, I'm certainly approaching this as abstinence being the preference, but "just in case" here is what you *must* do if you don't choose abstinence.
M, setting expectations high is setting kids up for failure? That's like saying that expecting straight A's on a reportcard is setting them up for failure - the standard (IMHO) must be set high because kids will meet whatever expectation you set for them.
Turnbaby, I agree - just saying "Don't do it" without explaining the why's (whether those are spiritual, medical, etc.) is a bad place to go.
Hubman, let me tell you, finding that balance amongst the reality of teen hormones is quite a challenge!
Breve, yes, the choice is ultimately theirs, but if I can delay Cam having to make that choice until he has a better understanding of the ramifications, we are ahead of the curve!
Kannon7, crossing fingers - once you've given the information - is about all that you can do!
Thembi, I've read the study and certainly don't believe that an abstinence only education is the way to go. That being said, I do think that is the "gold standard" and what I'll emphasize (along with safe sex practices) with Cam.
Biscuit, the magazine aisle isn't near as terrifying as the internet!
Buff, one of the challenges at this age (middle school) is that the brain is just not developed enough to make these choices with a full (and realistic) understanding of the consequences.
gout-des-hommes, balance is the key to most all important things in life, isn't it?
Bond, one of the biggest issues facing kids today are the bombardment of sexual images - the magazine aisle is full of them.
Jay, I think guilt can be a good thing. It's what keeps us (the fear of guilt) from doing things we shouldn't be doing. I know that guilt has it's bad side too, but it is a good motivator!
I think the conference is a noble attempt to teach children morals and is an excellent idea. But I think the church and parents are being naive if they think that kids aren't going to sexually active before they get married. That's why a balanced approached is the best approach. STD and pregnancies are to wide spread not to cover all the bases.
Ryno was involved in a Purity Class at school. Ha. We caught him looking at hot chick son the internets three days later.
His mom freaked. I tried to explain that it was the 21st Century version of kids my age looking at some kid's Playboy Magazines.
There is no equation or perfect balance. As a parent you teach your kid to respect themselves and others. Physically, Emotionally, and as Human Beings.
Parents, if they are doing their jobs correctly, should be the most powerful influence in a kid's life. But, Mother Nature in the case of sex (and just being a teen) may be one step above.
I don't think there is a formula for kids regarding this. Each kid is different. You just have to feel your way through it.
I thank you in advance for my incredibly ambiguous and unhelpful answer. Cheers Dana!!
Accountability software can also be a huge help for those who struggle with Internet pornography.
http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2008/12/30/youth-ministers-find-accountability-online/
It's posts like this that make me glad that I haven't experienced fatherhood!
That being said...as a former teacher of those of middle school age, I think that all the pledges in the world don't amount to a hill of beans without commitment by both the child AND the parents. The peer pressure on kids is enormous, and if Johnny or Susie signed one of those things, I'd better do the same so I can still talk to them in the hallway! Sounds ridiculous, but it's the way it is in their lives.
I think (and have no basis to make an opinion) that open, honest lines of communication between the children and the parents is the way to go. Give them the tools to make informed decisions. And be there to answer questions. And don't be so judgmental that they don't feel that they can come to you to answer their questions, even if they seem to be going in a direction you might not want them to.
That is a tough call. I like the approach of giving the kids as much information as they are ready to handle...and letting them know the cause and effect. I find that kids digest that well...
Oh and by the way...Purity Balls? I would change that if I were them...
I think you are heading in the right direction, Dana. I remember when the hormones kicked in for me. It's just hard being a teenager and dealing with your sexuality that slammed into your life like a Mack truck. Getting kids to think about the results of their actions, may help. Oh, what the hell. We all know that nothing is going to work 100% with this issue. But it doesn't hurt to use a little common sense and communication for this issue.
Good Afternoon Dana,
The first line of that pledge is the biggest problem with the whole concept, the idea that sexuality is somehow impure is wrong. Most of the people with the biggest sexual problems are the ones that were taught that sex is somehow naughty or dirty.
Open communication between the parent and child is the best way to instruct and inform. The goal is that ultimately the child can develop into a well adjusted adult.
Delurking here Dana...
As the mother of 3 kiddos, I think that abstinence only programs are just kidding themselves with the way teenagers' minds and bodies work. I think that abstinence should be taught along with safe sex practices. And I think schools are fine to teach these mechanical areas.
But these teachings only cover the mechanics of sex. Teen years are such a time of angst, self-absorbtion and emotional ups and downs that just teaching the mechanics isn't the right way to go. I mean come on, do we think teenagers can seperate having sex for pure physical pleasure from emotional sex in a committed relationship (which I think combines the best of physical and emotional pleasure). You're absolutly right, the majority of teens are not capable of making good decisions about sex and relationships. Many adults cannot, why do we think teens can?
Of course, this is where the parents MUST come in. We need to emphasize that the desicions we make regarding our relationships and our bodies can affect the rest of our lives. We can do that, not only by what we say, but in what we do, whether as a couple in a committed relationship or the way we behave as a single parent. Teachable moments.
The purity pledge? I'm not sure how realistic it is in this day and age. I'm Catholic (although I've lasped in my faith in the past several years) and it seems a bit much to me.
I think that it is entirely appropriate to teach abstinence but even more important to instill a moral frame work for life, not just sex. There -has- to be a counter to all the influences that kids receive via tv, movies etc. We're raising (or attempting to raise) civilized human beings. By definition, civilized means having control over impulses of all sorts.
Sexuality can be a loaded weapon. We don't teach gun safety by patting them on the head and saying "Knock yourself out, everyone does it". We teach them the rules for handling the weapon and hope, when they get around to it, that they don't hurt anyone.
Bad analogy? Probably...but it's all I've got off the top of my head.
Upton
NV, I guess I see this issue as one that is best handled when attacked from as many directions as possible. The purity pledges are just part of a greater whole.
Karen, I'm curious as to why you say, "It is not realistic for young adults to remain pure until marriage in today's society." I actually think it's MORE important than it ever has been.
tt, open communication is certainly critical in this "mess".
Boo, it is about teaching responsibility and good decision making. Teaching the reality of sex is where it gets dicey though. At 13, no matter how many times it is taught, the brain is not developed enough to really get it. It's not just about teaching, but about when (at what age) the teaching takes place.
BTE, see, I don't believe that it should be a given that kids WILL be sexually active. I think the expectation should be (if it's proper for your home) that they will NOT be sexually active, but that you give them additional information "just in case".
Matt-Man, I agree - not only is each kid different, but each home (and their expectations) are different.
Luke, I recently installed SafeEyes and am THRILLED with it!
Os, Open, honest lines of communication are essential, but that judgmental thing is tough - even if history shows there is no judgment, we always want to please our parents and hate for them to find out we've done something that might disappoint them.
Flyinfox, cause and effect is great, but with the teen years comes the "I am invincible" thought process - they know what happens, it just won't happen to them.
Doomed, I do want to set the bar high in this case - being open about my expectations - but listening to the challenges Cam faces and offering workable solutions.
Karl, not naughty or dirty, but rather reserved for marriage. I think there is a distinct difference there.
Wife, sometimes I think it's hypocritical for me to "preach" abstinence to Cam - after all, he was conceived out of wedlock. But the flip side of that is that I am an excellent example of the difficulties associated with sex outside of marriage.
Hi Dana - I had a big rant going on this but decided it would be better served to place on my blog.
How about teaching both abstinence and 'realistic' - with the pros and cons of both.
Neither choice they make is right or wrong as long as they are informed and prepared for the choice they make.
WHAT DO I THINK? I THINK YOU ARE A GOOD MOM. YOU WANT THE BEST FOR YOUR SON.
xo
Its all about balance innit and how well you know Cam, some children develop quicker than others and its all about exposure to these elements gradually and with the right information.
Laters
Nicey
There's only one real problem that I've got with the "purity" vows.
It's the whole scenario of right and wrong again.
To me, sex just isn't something that can be considered wrong.
Yeah, I know, there are wrong ways of having sex. As long as it's not with a minor, or against her will, or doing something that is breaking a law or someone's spirit, I feel that sex is appropriate, and at times good for the emotional growth of a person.
However, it needs to be approached responsibly as well. It's a decision that needs information, and not emotion.
Using the abstinence and safe sex teaching is a wonderful idea. However, to temper that with the ultimatum-esque virtue vows kind of puts a major block in things, in my point of view.
I mean, you are realistic enough to admit that abstinence teaching isn't quite enough, so you preach safe sex as the backup plan.
Then, to reinforce the abstinence plan you add the virtue vows?
Giving an adolescent so many "no" responses to something ALWAYS ends with them wondering what they're missing out on.
ALWAYS.
You might as well picture your kid as a bull, and you've just waved a red cape in front of the sex issue.
I don't mean to sound rude or condescending. I'm just telling you what I recall.
As long as the parents told us "don't do this, it's bad for you" that was the thing we kept wondering about, thinking about, and when the opportunity presented itself where we could find out something about it, we did it just to see what all the fuss was about.
Plain and simple, that's what most of these kids that were at your church are going to do.
As you can see, your statistics prove it.
I am a firm believer in balance. I think that abstinence should be the goal, but it should be an informed goal.
Catching up on my reading... :):)
And I agee with g-man.. You gotta keep them informed, but you must stress the consequences of their actions. Not just the pg and disease consequenses. You have to talk about the feelings 'afterward' when it all goes wrong. Most can't even think of their kids having sex, but if you can talk with them about what the emotional aftermath can be, it at least gives them another bit of information to use when the time does come..
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