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I am usually pretty good at stating my opinion on things, and then letting them go. When I don't have an opportunity to discuss something that has upset me, I tend to obsess mull it around in my little head for far too long. I've had one of those issues for about six months now. My guess is that neither of these people even read the blog any longer (it was amazing how many readers I lost when Cam and I finally moved out), but this isn't being done for them. I'm being selfish today. Pardon me while I do a little brain purging.
When I was still with husband, there were two very verbal (via email usually) commenters on my situation (no, not my favorite trolls Snugs and DoggyBloggy). It's fair to say that any negativity I hear hurts my heart, but when someone is completely off base, yet believes they are right - when those same people take those beliefs out publicly, spew them to mutual friends, claiming they *know* things that I am too embarrassed to publish in the blog - when they claim I am abusing my son - that is beyond hurtful. That is simply hateful.
There were many accusations that I was so greedy - so materialistic - that I was choosing money and a big house over the safety and well being of my son. These accusations were so far off I didn't even know how to address them. Even funnier, one of those making the accusations has admitted spending issues that have put her own family in financial peril. The other one routinely plays the single mother, financial sympathy card, then boasts about traveling without her children to meet up with friends.
Now, I am open minded enough to take into consideration that, in both these cases, what I "know" is limited to what each of them has shared publicly. That there might, indeed, be more to the situation than what they've shared. Neither of these people - people I've know through blogging for years - could find it in themselves to give me that same consideration. Instead they spread half truths to mutual friends via Facebook, through email and in person. I cannot think of any possible good for this type of behavior.
I share a great deal on this blog. I regularly bare my soul and expose my shortcomings. I don't post things in an attempt to make myself look good. In fact, it's not unusual for me to post very painful personal flaws. I do this not as an invitation to be beat up, but because we all have those flaws and I believe the only way to make ourselves better people is to face the reality of those flaws.
I live in a world where I've seen, first hand, the the damage and destruction gossip brings. I've heard all of the excuses these types of people make for their actions, none of which make any logical sense. I have spent far too much time and energy wondering what motivated these people to do the things they did and have come to the realization that I will NEVER understand their motivations - and that is a good thing.
Although I've all but eliminated both of these people from my cyber life, occasionally our paths cross. I'll read a comment they've made on a blog we both read, or I'll see another blogger post some glowing recognition of one of them. I want to just SCREAM at the top of my lungs what arrogant, hateful things these people have done to me behind closed doors.
But I don't, and the only reason I don't is because if I do, I become just like them. And that thought is far worse than knowing the things these people have said and done when they thought no one was looking.
I am usually pretty good at stating my opinion on things, and then letting them go. When I don't have an opportunity to discuss something that has upset me, I tend to When I was still with husband, there were two very verbal (via email usually) commenters on my situation (no, not my favorite trolls Snugs and DoggyBloggy). It's fair to say that any negativity I hear hurts my heart, but when someone is completely off base, yet believes they are right - when those same people take those beliefs out publicly, spew them to mutual friends, claiming they *know* things that I am too embarrassed to publish in the blog - when they claim I am abusing my son - that is beyond hurtful. That is simply hateful.
There were many accusations that I was so greedy - so materialistic - that I was choosing money and a big house over the safety and well being of my son. These accusations were so far off I didn't even know how to address them. Even funnier, one of those making the accusations has admitted spending issues that have put her own family in financial peril. The other one routinely plays the single mother, financial sympathy card, then boasts about traveling without her children to meet up with friends.
Now, I am open minded enough to take into consideration that, in both these cases, what I "know" is limited to what each of them has shared publicly. That there might, indeed, be more to the situation than what they've shared. Neither of these people - people I've know through blogging for years - could find it in themselves to give me that same consideration. Instead they spread half truths to mutual friends via Facebook, through email and in person. I cannot think of any possible good for this type of behavior.
I share a great deal on this blog. I regularly bare my soul and expose my shortcomings. I don't post things in an attempt to make myself look good. In fact, it's not unusual for me to post very painful personal flaws. I do this not as an invitation to be beat up, but because we all have those flaws and I believe the only way to make ourselves better people is to face the reality of those flaws.
I live in a world where I've seen, first hand, the the damage and destruction gossip brings. I've heard all of the excuses these types of people make for their actions, none of which make any logical sense. I have spent far too much time and energy wondering what motivated these people to do the things they did and have come to the realization that I will NEVER understand their motivations - and that is a good thing.
Although I've all but eliminated both of these people from my cyber life, occasionally our paths cross. I'll read a comment they've made on a blog we both read, or I'll see another blogger post some glowing recognition of one of them. I want to just SCREAM at the top of my lungs what arrogant, hateful things these people have done to me behind closed doors.
But I don't, and the only reason I don't is because if I do, I become just like them. And that thought is far worse than knowing the things these people have said and done when they thought no one was looking.
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28 comments:
You are so right. Don't stoop. :) Hold your head high and know that you do the very best for you and Cam when you know it's the right time.
What others thing just doesn't matter.
Thing. Geez, I think I've had too much coffee.
Let's make that think!
aw gee -"favorite troll" how special....LOL - One of my college advisors told me years ago to always keep this in mind - and I do "the fringe is always wider than the carpet"
I love punching down at others. I can't stop myself. I could just say, "Fuck 'Em", but it's so much fun to beat up on them.
Just be yourself and all will be fine. You lousy, selfish, mother you. Cheers Dana!!
awww shucks, I am so touched to rank as a favorite too...you need to adapt my attitude, I don't care what they say about me, good or bad, just keep me in the conversation!
Real Live Lesbian, but stooping might make the backstabbing feel better ... at least temporarily! I'm usually a high road kind of person, and honestly I just needed to get this out so that I can let it go.
doggybloggy, to your credit, you (usually) had the gonads to put your thoughts out there and attach your name to them. There is far more honor in that than there is in gossip. And about that fringe? It's usually only decorative, it's the carpet that has substance :)
Matt-Man, your terms of endearment are overwhelming, you opinionated, egotistical fuckwad!
snugs, I have more respect for identifiable trolls than I do for those people who comment sportively publicly then rip you apart in private. I may still believe you are hateful and hurtful, but at least you do those things with integrity ... usually ...
What really hit home to me was your last line, "the things these people have said and done when they thought no one was looking."
I, too, have had a few people over the years who were masters at "private" behavior that looked a whole lot different than what was displayed for the public. People who will cut ya to the quick when there are no witnesses. Then, if you say anything, you look like the nut job because, to everyone else, that person is just SO nice!
All I can say is, don't even try to understand it because you never will. You are absolutely right in realizing you should be happy about this! I personally think it's just best to get rid of them and move on. You don't really have to reveal these people for what they are, because eventually they will reveal themselves to other people. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes a while and we don't always get to see it. Damn! :)
Some day, some way, eventually...what goes around comes around.
Holy Cow!! Your retort to me made me hot. Thanks. Cheers Dana!!
I applaud you for taking the high road. I would do much as you have, and just eliminate (ignore)the haters as much as possible and move on. Life's too short to worry about people who only know a fraction of the story get ya down. {{{Hugs}}}
There's no way to avoid people like that. They're everywhere. Work, around town, on the internet, just everywhere. People are judgmental and they love to make assumptions about others. All you can do is ignore them the best you can and move on.
I shook my head when I read that someone said you were materialistic. As you know, I have warned you that in my opinion you are not doing enough to protect yourself financially. I don't say such things to be mean or hateful, but just because I care and I want you to know your rights.
Be strong. You have come so far recently. Don't let anyone get you down.
Gah.... Dana. I could have written this post. Ok, actually I think I HAVE written this post at one point long ago. We have gone down similar paths in our life and been unfortunate enough to have the same type 'friends'. And I know all to well, that regardless of the fact YOU know the things they are saying to be untrue, they still hurt all the same.
You are right, don't become like them. Ignore them, turn the other cheek. Know that you are a better person inside and out for NOT being like them.
It's a sad, pathetic person that thrives off of and lets their happiness revolve around hurting another person and spreading gossip.
kim-d, it's one of the reasons I don't particularly like anonymous commenters - because (often times) they do what they do under the cover of a cloak. I've actually seen some of the crap come back on both of these individuals. Of course they tend to fall into the "What did I do to deserve this?" thought process. I hope one day they figure it all out!
Matt-Man, I was quite proud of the retort! See? I'm getting my Dana mojo back!
Evil Twin's Wife, that high road is such a struggle though - up hill ALL the way!
I have lived most of my adult life as a sales rep. I learned to be able to disagree, without being disagreeable. Very few situations call for hate or arguments. I was taught you have to make someone mad, for them to be mad at you.
Jay, and I think I sometimes fall prey to believing that the blogging world is somehow different from the real world. Like there is some invisible force field that should keep us all safe. Of course, you are right - it's nothing more than a microcosm of the real world and contains just as much of the ugliness as it does the beauty!
Karen, I take your comments on that matter to be those of experience - TONS of experience - and they usually keep me at least a little bit grounded. There are many negative, but true, descriptors of me. Materialistic just isn't one of them!
Vixen, I think what hurts the most is that I put trust in these people and not only did they betray that trust, but when they could have stood up and said, "That's not true," they chose instead to say nothing.
I am all in favor of bringing hypocrisy to light!
I'm sorry you are going through such a stressful & hurtful time.
It would be a wonderful world if we as adults could live by a rule we were taught as children. The Golden Rule - do unto others as you would want done to you...
see - I never understood that quote either - I never knew if I was supposed to be the fringe or if I was supposed to be the carpet - but I have kept it in mind!
It's a lot harder to walk the walk than talk the talk. Keep going and don't give up. You are doing the right thing.
Believe it or not.....I have been the victim of "private" backstabbing via my blog. These people actually sent others to my blog to see how bad I was....It took a blogger friend showing me what they were able to see that I wasn't before I believed any one to try to sabotage me as a person....thus I rarely blog any more.
I do enjoy reading your blogs and I admire you for the strength you have as a mother, and a woman....Hold your head high and know that you are better than the low life crap that they think they are so good at!
I am glad you are going to let it go and move on.
You are doing what you need to do to clean your psychic closet and I am proud of you.
You are such a strong woman. I admire the strength and honesty that you are displaying during this difficult time in your life. You are setting an amazing example for your son.
I think you're doing a great job with your next journey. Don't let anyone stop that. No matter what they say.
buffalodick, I agree and believe that most people are capable of doing just that.
Doc, see? Now if I took that approach I'd actually confirm some of the stuff that was said behind my back. These people actually believed that *I* was the hypocrite because they had such an (unreasonably) inflated idea of the life I led.
Campbell Jane, in all fairness, I should have let go of this long ago, and after a 24-hour period of reflection, I realize just how silly it was to allow any of this to bother me. Guess writing it all down put it into better perspective.
doggybloggy, I'm pretty sure you are the fringe :)
we're doomed, isn't that the truth??
Granny Nanny, I have certainly been subjected to that kind of attack before, but I guess my faith in people (i.e. most are good) keeps me out here baring my soul!
Another Suburban Mom, by holding on to this one, I actually did quite a bit of damage on my own. It was time!
Mandy, My son would tell you differently and since he is 13, he *knows* everything ;) I look forward to the day he hits his 30's and realizes I wasn't a complete moron!
kittykillkill, I wouldn't let anyone stop me, but I will admit to letting their vile words get to me. Time to let go of that!
Sometimes I hate holding my head high sometimes and being nice to other people when I really know what miserable awful people they are.
xoxo
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