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Sometimes, I hate the blogsphere, so much so that I find myself wondering why I still play out here. Fortunately, those feelings are quickly replaced by the reality of all that is good with the blogsphere, but today? Today it is on my hate list.There is one thing that has the potential to really set me off, and it seems to have happened, simultaneously, throughout several of my regular read blogs in the past 48 hours.
Without getting into specifics (because doing that will serve no constructive purpose, but will surely piss people off and cause me grief down the line), let me just speak in generalities.
I don't like secrets, especially those kept by people I consider to be friends. I'm not talking about what you bought me for Christmas, where you had sex last night, or what you fantasized about the last time you masturbated, but those secrets that aren't really secret - the ones that people share with some and not with others - where, through their actions, they indicate who they trust and who they don't trust. Basically, that situation where you are standing with two other friends, a generic comment is made, the other two friends give each other "that look" then turn to you and say, "Inside joke."
If it's an inside joke, keep it inside and don't flaunt it as a "Neener, neener, neener ... we know something you don't!" At that point, I literally shut all emotions off. Why? Because there has now become a "pecking order" in your friendships and you've made it clear where I fall. I'm not going to beg for your friendship - not because I don't need it - but because sometimes I need it too much. Competing for the attention of friends and not getting it is far worse in my world than having no friends at all. It's like always being the last kid picked for playground kickball.
Am I overreacting? Most likely. In fact, several of the blog posts that I read this in to probably have no clue I'm even considering them a part of this group. Why? Because I soooo internalized the post - beyond what was ever even imagined by those who wrote it.
You all know my inclination to face confrontation (at least out here) head on, yet I've kept quiet. With the exception of a single email that will certainly come back to
*UPDATE* It looks like the email I sent won't embarrass me too terribly. Although the situation cannot be resolved right this moment, the quick reply to my email included the statements, "Yes, you're overreacting, but I understand why," and "Quit being paranoid! :-P," which - although it might not seem so - really were good things to hear!
So, do tell. Do you ever feel like an outsider in the blogsphere? If you do, how do you handle it?
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35 comments:
I've felt that way before..but since I'm a libertarian/conservative blogger people are usually more than happy to shit on me out in the open.
It may indeed be a case of internalizing somthing that feels like it's about you but might not in actuality.
There is that clique of popular bloggers and I always feel on the outside of that. I honestly don't care, but I have tired to break in several times without success.
But at the same time, I am sure I have made others feel excluded. That is just the way of the world.
Sometimes, reading comments on other blogs, there is clearly an 'off-blog' dynamic that I'm not aware of, so sure, I fell like an outsider. But haven't we all started as outsiders?
At the same time, I'm sure I've been (unintentionally, I hope) guilty of what you're talking about.
Which makes me really curious what transpired that elicited this reaction from you...
you probably know my answer already - I definitely do not feel like an outsider - I think its because I know where I stand and I dont give two shits about where someone else stands unless they are standing on me.
Hammer, I do believe that this is a hint of narcissism on my part - that I internalize unrelated issues and assume they are about me. What's interesting is that I do this only in the negative - I never assume someone is talking good about me in a secretive way. This is definitely a quality that I do not like in myself.
Karen, I have a few groups like that - where I feel like I just cannot penetrate into their realm of friendship - but those do not bother me like having an established friendship that suddenly seems to exclude.
Hubman, we do all start that way. This was a situation of being an "insider" then feeling excluded. Like you, I am certain that I have been guilty of this same thing (unintentionally), but I've also done it knowingly due to procrastination. I've got two situations (an award and a post reference) that were put on the back burner and still have not been addressed. My guess is that those two bloggers feel a certain amount of exclusion even though that was not my intent.
I do feel like an outsider, but I've felt that way my whole life, so I kind of take it in stride, unless it's someone who means a lot to me. Then it *does* become about pecking order, especially if I feel that I've lost my place at the top. That one smarts a whole lot. It's where that sick feeling of nostalgia comes from. However, I've always had the "I don't compete" rule. How on Earth I was strong enough to decide that as a teen, I'll never know. Any time I have ever been placed in that situation, I walk away. If it's a friend who has done it, I just back off, not because I'm trying to make them come after me, but because I have lost my trust and sense of safety.
Ha. I agree with Doggy. I was going to do a post recently on how sometimes the Blogosphere mirrors cliques that develop in High School. I didn't, because after re-writing it several ways, it sounded preachy.
Eh, there's always going to be those groups that develop. In the course of blogging, friendships and animosity develop. Much like as in face to face life.
While I think of myself as one who cares about others, I am by my nature and years of tending to the needs of others, a lone wolf.
If a person likes me, they like me. If not, I can't waste time worrying about it. But, if I don't like a person, I try to be open about my disdain for him or her. And not be subliminal about it as you describe in this post. Cheers!!
I used to feel that way.
Then, I met someone in college that was different. She was inclusive. To everyone. Always invited new people to her group. Always had open arms.
So I decided to be like her and always be inclusive. If I ever get a hint that some of my friends are acting exclusive...I just pour on the inclusivity. Invite new people to the group. Open my arms.
Try it. You'll be surprised how much that theory will put you in control and make other people feel welcomed.
Of course, it's wicked hard when you are shy like me...but it's worth it.
On the 'sphere I often feel out of the loop but it is bound to happen because the conversations go on and on without end and I just hop in here and there. I don't feel as you do (well maybe an itsy bit if it is a blog I visit often but just an itsy bit) in that situation but when this happens "in person" I feel just as you do and do the same thing, shut down. In my head I'm like OK fuck you then if I'm not in on the joke then I probably am the joke so I'll give you no more material for your routine. Some people just don't get it!
There are times I feel like I am missing the entire 'joke'...
then there are certainly days when I feel like I own the joke "IT'S MINE!"
If I ever write something that you feel is an inside joke that you were not included in, come on over and slap me upside my head...ok?
doggybloggy, I would have guessed - sort of - that this would be your response. You do have a sense of where you are and where you are headed, with the confidence to make that happen. Something tells me it is that confidence that gives you a more healthy view on this kind of thing.
Biscuit, this is exactly what I was trying to say - you did it much better. In the grand scheme of the blogsphere, with bloggers that I read and/or occasionally comment on (without getting a response to my comment) I am able to just let it go, but when it's more than that - someone whose friendship I treasure and value - it's a completely different beast. Like you, I do not back off in hopes of being pursued, but out of fear of being hurt even more.
Matt-Man, you and doggy share that confidence - that ability to say (and convey) "Screw you! I am who I am and you will like me or you won't!" I think that is a fascinating (and difficult) trait. As far as being open with my disdain rather than the passive-aggressive approach I took today, I was open (via email) with the individual involved whose friendship it would hurt me to lose. The others were more collateral damage - folks who I don't have close friendships with, but whose posts (purely by coincidence) seemed to magnify my feelings of being an outsider. Addressing those would have served no real purpose as it was far more reactionary than anything else.
Real Live Lesbian, I do take ownership of a HUGE chunk of this. My filter on matters like this is somewhat (OK, mostly) foggy. I fear rejection so completely that I sometimes initiate it myself. Why give someone else the control of rejection when I can facilitate it all on my own. Of course, that isn't my conscious intent, but subconsciously? I self sabotage.
I can see that your suggestion would not only work, but be extremely effective, both in feeling included, and giving that same feeling of security to others who might need it.
Lu', I have those same feelings, thinking that if I cannot be included it is either because I cannot be trusted (trust is a quality that I hold with the highest esteem) or because I am, indeed, the joke. Either assumption hurts.
Bond, you are probably one of the most inclusive bloggers I read. In fact, I'd be willing to say that the reason I read 100+ blogs a day is because they are inclusive. I like feeling a part of the bigger world. This was really an exception.
Do I really have to wait for you to write something that feels like an inside joke before I slap you upside the head? Damn!
When it comes to the "blogosphere" I don't really think I belong anywhere.
I'm not just a mommyblogger, or just an HNTer, or just an anything.
I think that kind of leaves me out of a lot of circles. Now because of work restrictions, I am forced to stay away from a lot of blogs where I considered the author's friends. This leads them to not come over to mine much anymore.
I don't care so much about numbers of readers, but I do care about losing connections with people I considered friends. Maybe they are just getting too big and "famous" I guess for lil ole me.
So, I do know how you feel. Although I try and choose to not let it bother me.
With that being said, and I may be totally wrong, but I kind of get the impression that I may have a part in this.
If that is true, please know that I had no such intention.
You have my email :)
It didn't come out correctly so I must clarify. I was talking about the inside joke being subliminal, not your take on it. If someone has something to say about you, or to exclude you in some way, THEY should be open about it. Sorry for the confusion. Cheers!!
We all feel left out at one time or another- on the blog and off.. Since I retired from the metals business, people I considered friends for many years have not called once. I have enough of an ego not to worry too much about that. With me what you see is what you get.
Girl, I constantly feel like an outsider in blogland, and pretty much everywhere. And with my REALLY good friends, yes, it does hurt me. I feel like I'm not trustworthy (and I may be the most truthworthy person I know!) and, as you so very well stated, "the last kid picked". But I've never done or said anything about it. I don't want people to know I even feel that way (so I'm putting it here, right?? LOL) so I say nothing, which is normal for me.
And if I have ever been this way, I hope someone points it out, because I would NEVER want to treat other people that way.
I have lots of inside jokes with many different people. I have the most with my ex wife. That does not mean I like her the best. For me inside jokes are related to a shared experience. It loses something when explained.
I will share that it is an inside joke if someone we are standing with gets a confused look. I don't want them to feel they have missed something. I have never used it as a "Neener, neener, neener ... we know something you don't!" I hope it was never taken that way.
M, I think not being stuck in a blog label is a good thing - it gives you a lot more creative freedom. As far as you being a contributor to my blogsphere hate for the day? Nope! So there! And yes, I would let you know had that been the case.
Matt-Man, D'oh! Got it! And I agree, but find that people are getting a little less likely to stir the pot - to venture out and have an opinion - especially on people. You, of course, are an exception!
buffalodick, I've wondered how that transition was going for you Buff. I think it's unfortunate that people do this sort of thing. As I've gotten older I've gotten more comfortable with saying, "I don't know what to say, but wanted you to know I was thinking about you."
Bina, like you, I'd want to know if someone felt intentionally shunned or excluded - I'd want an opportunity to at least attempt to fix it - to make amends in some way.
Professor Fate, your point is a good one - inside jokes are sometimes inside jokes - that out of context would not be the least bit funny. Each of us has to take responsibility for how we interpret those, and to ask questions if we feel we need further clarification.
Oh brother I get this. But I figure if people need to do that to feel better or what the hell ever, than in the long run they are worse off than I am.
"neener neener" funny. lol
I hope I didn't say anything to make you feel like that. I try to be very inclusive and I also try to respond to all the comments I get. Sometimes, I get some really late ones and I'm already working on the next blog, so I don't get the chance to go back and reply.
I don't think I've ever read a post and thought "Hey, they're taking a shot at me, but not mentioning my name, but others who read this blog will know it's me, because they're probably talked about this at some point." But, I've seen a lot of posts where I thought "I wonder who they are talking about and I hope that person doesn't read this blog because doing this is sooooo rude."
Of course, people could be taking shots at me and I might not realize it. I'm a little dense sometimes.
Also, I agree that the blogosphere can be a bit cliquish sometimes. It's only natural really. I think people have their limits as to how many bloggers they can keep track of and sometimes people get left out. And, there are a lot of bloggers who interact with each other outside of the blogosphere, either in person or through email, chat rooms, twitter, facebook etc. So sometimes I won't know what they are talking about because I'm not in their circle of friends outside of blogs. Which is okay, I guess. ;-)
Although I agree with Karen too. I've come across some blogging cliques and have found them impossible to penetrate. They're like the gated communities in the blogosphere. Then my reverse snobbery kicks in and I say "screw those elitist jerks" and .. and not I'm totally rambling.
Why is it that I can just ramble away in comments on your blog, but when I sit down to post on my blog I got nothing? Huh? What's up with that? And did I sufficiently turn this into ALL ABOUT ME?
Uh .. anyway. I think I know what you're talking about. I would like to be more like Matt-Man and just not give a shit what others think, but I'm not. Not that I worry about it too much, but still. Sometimes I do.
Okay. Done now. ;-)
Well, I *did* stir up a nest with today's post. Does that make me hate blogsphere? Nah. People are entitled to their assholes...I mean opinions. LOL
Truth be told, I always have felt like an outsider in out there, but not in here. Don't know why. The only thing I hate is bloggers NOT commenting back on my blog despite multiple comments I've left on theirs. That's it.
As for inside jokes? Make one and run with it. Why? They've done it to me too. Yeah.
I don't fit in well enough anywhere to have anybody give enough of a damn about me to write about me.
I don't intentionally do it, though sometimes in the effort of protecting identities and such, it sometimes may LOOK like I have done something like that, but never intended to.
As for certain "groups" there are so many bloggers on the Internet, those that don't care to share with me... I have no time for them. I just move on.
Well as someone who has had more than a little 'attention' on the Internet and a huge upheaval in my bricks and mortar life I am quite philosophical about it all.
I learned a lot about who my real friends were and I just don't give a crap about the rest. I've always taken a different path than 'normal' so I'm used to it in all aspects of my life, including blogging.
Hope, in all fairness, I am fairly certain that this was not intentional, but rather a lack of communication and foresight. I just took it that way.
Evil Twin's Wife, actually, finding you was a pleasant surprise! Even with your vast readership, I felt included - immediately! Thank you for that!
Jay, I think you may have your theory reversed, as in you ramble in comments on my blog and then have nothing left when it's time to write your own blog. The only "cure" is to quit commenting on my blog, but I'd have to hunt you down and call you an "elitist jerk"! I'd like to be more like Matt-Man and Doggy Bloggy when it comes to this sort of thing too. 8 hours after posting this I'm already feeling silly for making it all about me!
Nolens Volens, and I've got a comment for your blog post today - just you wait! I used to be bothered by the lack of reciprocal commenting until I had a crazy reader list and didn't know how to add any more to it - it does become a matter of time management sometimes.
Just Joe, what? I'm beginning to think the blogsphere is the home for misfit writers! I guess I had better get my happy butt over to your place soon or I'll never see you again!
Turnbaby, how in the world did I forget about your unique perspective? Boy, if anyone has seen this you have - makes me feel goofy for making an issue out of my minor complaint!
I try to ignore the cliques. I hated high school bc of them, went to a *VERY* cliquey HS. I experienced it on an IV mommy board some years back and there has since been a huge fall out.
I avoid the games and try not to focus on it too much. Although it's hard to control how we feel sometimes. I guess what I'm saying is I vent to who I can trust, get it off my chest and try to move on and if it's a common occurrence then separate myself from the company being kept altogether.
I don't feel like I explained myself very well here, sorry.
And *hugs*
Dana- you are indeed a deeper thinker than most.. so am I... It breaks my heart to see people everywhere that mouth the words, but do not mean them... There is nothing you or I can do to change this.. people will evolve at Nature's rate- not ours..
There are tons of cliques in the blogging world. I'm not in any of them really and it doesn't bother me. I always feel like I'm floating along the outside but meh, I really don't care because I'm happy being me and I only want to associate with people who are happy with me being me. Same as in real life.
I don't know if that made much sense. Probably wasn't helpful at all. *shrug*
Hope you feel better about things.
I dunno what you're talking about so I guess I am out of the blog loop. Or 'bloop'.
If there are cliques I have been totally oblivious to it. I do, however, sometimes feel I am totally ignored, like I am blogging for my eyes only, wonder if anyone even looks at it. Many followers, very little comments. I try not to let it get to me and just keep on keeping on. I enjoy it, I amuse myself haha, so I'll keep blogging even if it's only for me.
I don't like the games that can be played in the blogsphere. It can almost turn into the "We're in second grade again type situation."
To me, that isn't cool.
Yeah I'm late, blame my boss :P
I have "outsider's complex" so take everything I say here with a grain of salt.
I usually feel like a bit of an outsider when it comes to HNT, in a way. I've stopped playing along for time periods because of that. Connected with HNT there are numerous blogs that I read and I try to "fit in" and be involved and comment on posts here and there but because I'm a "sex blogger" and they're not.....I feel like the dirty whore in the corner.
And while many infidelity bloggers can be considered sex bloggers, they also tend to create a clique that can be impenetrable.
For example, one of those has her blog private. A mutual good friend says "you should definitely be reading her blog, I can't believe you dont!" And so I introduce myself via email, if she didn't already know me from the mutual blogs we comment on, and ask for an invite to read....and I get ignored.
I'm freak. I don't really and truly fit in I guess. I get pigeon-holed. I do read a vast array of blogs but if it's not a sex blog, I get kept on the outskirts.
the dealer passes....
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