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It's yet another one of those stories. A 23 year old mom confesses to suffocating her 3-year-old son as he slept on the climbing gym, then burying him under the climbing gym's hanging bridge, where the body was found two days later. Neighbors called the crime cold-blooded and struggle to comprehend how a mother could do such a thing to her own child. I wonder how we could have done such a thing to her child ... and to her.
Tiffany Toribio had been kicked out of her mother's home, and then a friend's house, in the days before she killed her son. Tiffany had no criminal record or history of drug or alcohol abuse. She was homeless, and sleeping in a community park, surrounded by neighborhood homes, and no one noticed her or her son Ty.
When asked why she killed Ty, Tiffany said that she did not want him to grow up with no one caring about him the same way that she had grown up with no one caring about her. The complete lack of anyone noticing she and Ty were living at the playground is certainly confirmation, although not directly, that no one cared ... until it was too late.
As I've recently written, I am exploring opportunities to serve the "invisible" people like Tiffany and Ty. We all see them every day - those people - the ones that evoke a sense of fear, and sometimes panic, when we pass them on the street or in our own neighborhoods. Those people that we can't even look in the eye when we walk by them. Those people ...
I know what it is like to feel overwhelmed. To wonder if maybe death isn't better than the life I've given my child. To be too proud to ask for help, or worse yet, to not know where to go to find help. To wish and hope that someone - anyone - would care enough to just ask how I was - if I needed anything. To long to be acknowledged as human.
When I read this story, I wasn't angry with Tiffany. No, I was angry with all of the people who walked by and looked down at their feet instead of looking her in the eye and smiling. I was angry with a neighbor who said, "Now, his mother will find out this baby has a lot of people who love him and will do anything for a child" for not showing that love sooner. I was angry with a family who couldn't find a reason to take Ty in and try to find help for his overwhelmed single mother. I was angry with a society that condemns the actions of the desperate without reflecting on what they do - or don't do - to contribute to tragedies like this one.
Shame on us - all of us - who have the ability to do more, but turn a blind eye instead. We should all be angry - angry enough to do the right thing instead of the easy thing.
Are you getting your hands dirty now, or waiting until later to ask yourself what you could have done?
Tiffany Toribio had been kicked out of her mother's home, and then a friend's house, in the days before she killed her son. Tiffany had no criminal record or history of drug or alcohol abuse. She was homeless, and sleeping in a community park, surrounded by neighborhood homes, and no one noticed her or her son Ty.
When asked why she killed Ty, Tiffany said that she did not want him to grow up with no one caring about him the same way that she had grown up with no one caring about her. The complete lack of anyone noticing she and Ty were living at the playground is certainly confirmation, although not directly, that no one cared ... until it was too late.
As I've recently written, I am exploring opportunities to serve the "invisible" people like Tiffany and Ty. We all see them every day - those people - the ones that evoke a sense of fear, and sometimes panic, when we pass them on the street or in our own neighborhoods. Those people that we can't even look in the eye when we walk by them. Those people ...
I know what it is like to feel overwhelmed. To wonder if maybe death isn't better than the life I've given my child. To be too proud to ask for help, or worse yet, to not know where to go to find help. To wish and hope that someone - anyone - would care enough to just ask how I was - if I needed anything. To long to be acknowledged as human.
When I read this story, I wasn't angry with Tiffany. No, I was angry with all of the people who walked by and looked down at their feet instead of looking her in the eye and smiling. I was angry with a neighbor who said, "Now, his mother will find out this baby has a lot of people who love him and will do anything for a child" for not showing that love sooner. I was angry with a family who couldn't find a reason to take Ty in and try to find help for his overwhelmed single mother. I was angry with a society that condemns the actions of the desperate without reflecting on what they do - or don't do - to contribute to tragedies like this one.
Shame on us - all of us - who have the ability to do more, but turn a blind eye instead. We should all be angry - angry enough to do the right thing instead of the easy thing.
Are you getting your hands dirty now, or waiting until later to ask yourself what you could have done?
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42 comments:
I understand and agree with your assesment of the faceless in society being oft times overlooked, but my sympathies lie with the dead child exclusively.
And just based upon reading the brief artical, I see the onus of this despicable act lying exclusively on the mother...even in the socio-philosophical sense. Cheers!!
Matt-Man, well, it's always easier to point the finger elsewhere, but I guess that was my point!
Dear Dana, while I agree with what you have said in a overview kind of way. I think that the the guilt is with the mother. I agree that there are many reasons why the two year old child is dead. We can all split hairs all day on the degree of guilt of the mother and society.
You are right to be angry about the death of the boy, and sad. The path you are seeking to take. The path to help people like the ones in your story is very noble. I wish you the best of luck in your quest to make this world a better place. I think your anger about this sad story is understandable. but misplaced. It's true we need a more compassionate society. We do pretty good with looking out for each other. We can do better. And Tiffany did not become the person she is in one day. Someone helped make her that way and it was a long process. I guess my suggestion to you is to make people feel good about helping the Tiffanys and Tys of the world. And of course, God bless you!
Two things, Dana...One, I am not sure I understand your reply to my comment.
Secondly, and more importanly, I cannot I believe I misspelled the word, "article" in my comment to you. Cheers!!
You can take this notion of collective guilt and apply it to a larger scale. There aren't just people left ignored, abandoned, to live and die in terrible circumstances - there are entire NATIONS subject to dreadful humanitarian neglect.
There are larger fundamental causes for this, and incredible changes needed to end it. (The large-scale discussion about the necessary infrastructure of the haves and the have-nots that supports, say, a nation like America to be so prosperous could fill a book.) I won't accept guilt for such matters - if EVERYONE behaved as decently as I feel I do then probably the world would be a very different place.
I guess then you are angry at my mom and the rest of my family that lives in New Mexico that wishes they could have done something - anything - before this tragedy happened - hindsight is always 20/20 - you make no sense - dont you have problems of your own to deal with before you grandstand about others?
I didn't hear of this story. I am quick to snap judgement when all facts are not presented and wish to banish any one that hurts a child to hell. I feel sorry for the child. Why was the Mother kicked out of these places? If someone cared enough to allow her to stay in the first place, what did she do to change their opinion of her? Still unanswered questions. AND you know that help is out there, Surely she did too. A shame that there are so many people willing to take and care for a child but not an Adult, they need the love just as much.
I have to agree with your commenters on this one. Tiffany had someone take her in, she did recieve help of sorts. I feel anger towards Tiffany not society . "We" did not do this to her child. How do you know the neighbor or anyone else for that matter, ignored this child or Tiffany? How do you know that people did not try to help? How do you know that no one noticed them living homeless on the playground? What about all the ones that are helped? I think it is narrow minded to look at just the one with the bad ending and judge society on it. Shame on you.
Good point made by Lu', not enough facts to judge this case....my heart goes out to both Mother and Child though.
Doggybloggy, low blow. Nice. Feel good?
If we all had that attitude... "make my life perfect before I think about anyone else"...no one would ever reach out. Yes, they say put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others, but if yours doesn't fit *quite* right, do you just ignore the suffocating person next to you while you fiddle with it? Really?
And Snugs, shame on YOU for being so harsh towards someone feeling overwhelmed by such a nightmare. We all hit the breaking point sometimes.
Whether these tragedies are on the uprise, or we are just more aware of them because of the media, we are all in this together.
My perception is that, at the heart of it all, Dana is suggesting that we all stop being too busy, too selfish, too lazy, and too unaware to notice the world around us.
we're doomed, certainly the legal guilt is with the mother, but what about the "moral guilt" of a society that allows people to get to this point?
Matt-Man , let me try this again. When we find guilt only with the "criminal," and empathy only with the victim, we don't have to look at our own actions (or inactions) in the world around us.
Leonhart, not only can you, but I believe you should take this notion of collective guilt and apply it to a larger scale. Kudos to you for behaving decently - seriously - that was and is my point!
doggybloggy, hindsight doesn't have to be the only way we see things 20/20. If it is, then we are doing something wrong, aren't we?
But then, maybe it's because we must be perfect, sinless and beyond reproach before we reach out to help. Yes ... that will solve EVERYTHING!
Lu', clearly, I don't have all of the details of this case either, but rather am using it as a platform of sorts to get people to ask themselves what they are doing to address these types of issues. Many people do reach out - far more don't. I can tell you that I've met many people who either don't think there is help for their particular situation or have no idea where to go to start looking. It happens far more than it should.
snugs, we will have to agree to disagree because I have no doubt that *we* do have a responsibility as a society in matters like this. Are there those that are helped? Of course there are, but these two weren't, were they? Shame on me? I'm getting my hands "dirty," how about you? If you are, then my anger doesn't travel your direction!
Granny Nanny, as I said to Lu, we know just a snippet of this story, but I refuse to believe that there was nothing anyone could have done differently, except for little Ty. His fate was at the mercy of those adults in his life - those who knew him personally and those that never noticed him.
Biscuit, I *heart* you! I expected most commenters would see this as Tiffany's problem - Tiffany's sole responsibility - Tiffany is evil and vile - and that is EXACTLY why I wrote the post.
Your perception is spot on - we all become complacent at times (throw me in there too, I'm just as guilty) and it's not until a tragedy like this becomes newsworthy that we all get on the "what could we have done?" bandwagon. I challenge anyone who might be saying that to ask instead, "What can I do NOW?"
I simply do not have enough facts to determine whether there is blame to spread.
The article says she was thrown out of her moms home and the friends home because she 'ignored the boy'..OK, mom and friend...so she is ignoring this child and you throw them BOTH out?
It says that Tiffany partied all the time - according to a neighbor in the story - yet, these people in the park did nothing at all?
Is it our place to interfere with another's life?
Is this societies fault of is it Tiffany's or a combination of the two?
The article says she smothered Ty - then resuscitated him, because she felt guilty...then smothered him again.
Clearly, this woman needs plenty of help, but she was also cognizant enough to know what she was doing was wrong and then proceeded to do it twice.
For the child's sake, people need to be more observant. the mom...well she deserves to spend her days in prison...
Murder has been a taboo since before Cain killed Abel... She didn't know how great her child could have become- he didn't get the chance. I feel strongly about governing one's self, it is NOT the job of society to do it for you.
this is a tragic story....and we do seem to be hearing more and more reports of women taking the lives of their children.
I have a very dear friend who (at the urging of her partner) recently reestablished contact with her 26 year old daughter. She had given up her daughter at the age of 5 because she was overwhelmed and could no longer care for her.
while I agree with Turn...there is just not enough info to determine where to lay blame...There is ALWAYS something very wrong with a parent who kills their child no matter what the reason.
If someone would have just called child services to see if they could step in and offer help, it may not have happened. I agree with you that we as a society are called upon to look out for those who cannot (esp. children and animals).
It's too bad nobody noticed them living there in the park. If someone had, they could have called the police and had the woman and her child relocated to another place. That way nobody would have had to see them and feel bad.
I think the best test of a society is how they treat the weak, the sick and the powerless. Sometimes, actually a lot of times, we fail miserably in that test. We're entirely too busy putting a fence up around "what's ours" to be bothered with people who might need help.
This girl's family and friends bear a lot of responsibility in this. By kicking her and the kid out they put that kid in this kind of danger. They may have had enough of her, but the kid was innocent. At a minimum, if family and friends and neighbors believed this girl was so horrible, they could have called child services and made sure the kid was protected.
I think it's great that you are looking for ways to help the "invisible" people Dana. I think we all should do this too.
Just so long as we don't elect people or have supreme court justices who do this. hehe (/smartass) ;-)~
Turnbaby, although I should be open to the possibility, seldom do I hear one of these stories where there is no responsibility to anyone other than the "criminal." I just wonder how different things might be if we all became a little more involved.
Bond, I believe there is plenty of fault in this tragedy to go around. I also believe that we have an obligation, as humans, to offer a helping hand, yet it seems we'd rather choose to have our government to do that for us.
buffalodick, and just how does one govern themselves if they've never been given the skills to do so? Do we just look down and walk away faster, or do we help them gain the skills?
Okay, I thought that is what you meant, but I wanted to be sure of that.
I didn't say that those who may have seen the homelessness or helplessness weren't involved...I said that the onus was on the mother.
In a way, you are saying we are all "our brother's keeper" which I agree with. In fact, I have empathy for nearly everyone...I guess I'd never make it as a judge. Cheers!!
katherine, there is most definitely something wrong in the life of someone who feels killing their own child is their only option, but I would also say there is something wrong with a society that cannot see when someone is at that point - or worse yet, can see and stands idle.
Evil Twin's Wife, so often we seem to be afraid to step in a do something, then we kick ourselves in the ass when we don't. I guess I'm just hopeful that some day we'll all be a bit more comfortable with taking a chance on doing something "wrong" than doing nothing at all.
And if anyone is reading my comments saying, "Well if that isn't the pot calling the kettle black," you're right - but it's changing!
Jay, we do often fail miserably in that test, don't we?
Oh, and Jay? Empathy belongs in our neighborhoods, not in the Supreme Court!
always interesting to read the other comments....still amazes me how cyberspace seems to give some people permission to be complete assholes...wonder if they would say the same in person?
Anyhow.....we all have choices and need to be accountable for our acts, but damn, unless you have been there....in the pit of despair and hopelessness, I don't think anyone can truly judge how they my act. I am not letting the mother off the hook but any means; she deserves to pay for her crime, but I can empathize with where her head might have been at....we are all capable of irrational behavior when we feel desperate and powerless.
Reminds me of a story that took place here in the mountains at the turn of THE century. Dirt poor mountain folk.....new husband threatened to kick them all out if wife did not get rid of HER oldest child. Grandma set out to take the 5 year old to a childrens' home that turned out to be an old folks home.....put the little girl in cave, blocked it up, told her grammy would be back....child's body found later......Grandma did go to prison for some time....my 8th graders tried to debate the story....it is a hard one. Grandma thought she was acting out of mercy for the child.....not the right thing, but not malicious.
Interested in the book....The Legend of Nance Dude by Maurice Stanley.....true story.
Ha...found this link to the story....
http://wintersong.wordpress.com/my-booklist/the-legend-of-nance-dude-by-maurice-stanley/
Hate to say this...won't be the last time...we, as the society, need to provide for every one of us. We cannot do that at all. Sad.
I live in NYC if anyone wants to be told to their face I am more than happy to do it.....
You are a better person than me. I find it REALLY hard, if not impossible, to muster up compassion for a parent who kills like that. I am not saying that she didn't need help, but the leap between "Nobody loves me" and "I strangled my son and burried his body in the park" is too far for me to jump.
There are just too many other options available. If people didn't see her, she should have made herself seen. Go to a shelter, a church, a firehouse, the police station, a hospital...there are many places where should could have gotten help instead of killing her son.
Dana,
I can feel for the child, defenseless, helpless, and unable to do for themselves. But I can not abide by the mother's twisting of reality to blame society for her lack of responsbility or ability to take care of her own child.
My personal philosophy is one of personal responsiblity. If you screw up you take responsiblity, if you cant handle the situation, then you back out or seek help. If she was kicked out of her mothers house and kicked out of her friends house, then I suspect there were underlying reasons for that and it goes to show that there is a pattern of irresponsiblity on her part.
I have a similar situation at my home where I have a stepdaughter who is basically a shitbum and expects everyone to take care of her responsibilities. As a citizen, I would've have kicked her ass to the curb months ago, but as a family member, i grit my teeth, bitch to her mother about her, and let her stay.
The failure of this woman to see her responsibiltiy lies with her mother and her family, and it is they who should be held accountable for this tragedy, not society as a whole.
i suggest everyone interested in helping do a woefully simple thing, make a bunch of sandwiches and get cheap blankets from an army surplus store, get to know a few organizations that specialize in helping the homeless and people who suffer depression... then go out armed with contact info, food & blankets and pass them all out to a group of homeless people, smile & let them know you care. even if you really only care for them that brief moment in time that night... doing this simple thing will show you what its like, what the groups that are in place to help these people are really like, what the people themselves are really like.. and maybe.. just maybe.. what you yourself are really like... you cant speak about it until you at least try it... you may walk away with a white hot hatred of the homeless, or you could've just taken your first steps toward sainthood.. the key is to get off your ass and move.. thats always the first thing to do.. and the hardest...
kudos for looking at the situation from all sides, it makes people stop and think for a minute...
Matt-Man, you might not make a good judge, but you'd make a great neighbor! You and Jay ... smart asses ...
Breve, what's kind of bothersome is that I have no doubt that they would say much the same thing in person, but hey, who am I to judge *shrugs*
I think, when reading the comments, it becomes somewhat clear who may have had life experiences that were possibly more challenging than others. It's been interesting to see who chooses to look at themselves in this and who would rather point a finger elsewhere.
I'm all for personal accountability, I just feel we all share in that!
And thanks for the link - fascinating stuff.
Nolens Volens, I'm sure some people are a bit confused when reading my opinion on this. I am a HUGE proponent of personal responsibility and I do not support most social programs. What I do support is community involvement, accountability at all levels and to ALL people.
My God Dana. This makes me sick. I'm NOT one of those people who look down and keep walking, but honestly, I don't see people on the street so I don't see those people who need help. I give my fair share to United Way, and I help with the annual food, and I know I could do more, but I don't know WHAT to do. And I would be one of those people who had no where to go and wouldn't know how to get help if I needed it.
doggybloggy, I have no doubt you would!
Karen, I'm not a better person, I've just had some life experiences that have shown me how easy it can be to cross over and be one of those people. There are TONS of other options available. Unfortunately, someone working from a position of desperation isn't usually thinking clearly and logically and often times asking for help is beyond where they are. That's when I feel society has an obligation to offer help and to look out for those without a voice.
rockman. understand that the mother DID NOT blame society - she went to the police and confessed to the crime. *I* am the one blaming society!
We all make assumptions based on our own experiences and through our own personal filters. I had hoped this post might just get a few people wanting to try on a different filter. What if, instead of pointing a finger, we offered a helping hand? Not another social program, but rather a touch of being human?
I just can't grasp the "It's all their fault" concepts. Lives aren't so neatly wrapped.
So now do I fall in the asshole and harsh categories? Whatever. That is really not the point. And yes, I would say it to anoyones face too. Not too long ago I think you were upset with a neighbor or parent for reporting your son with a lighter. And there was the mother that put her 2 kids out on the street to walk a few miles home; if I recall correctly you were opposed to the citizen's involvement there as well, but yet you want to throw shame/blame out there this time when you do not even know how much help was offered this family. Yes it takes a village to raise a child, but the majority of the responsibilty is on the parents. Society did not murder that child, his mother did.
I hate when blogger loses my comments. ...
This is certainly a sad story. If she was ignoring the child in the first place I dont get why she was kicked out. It seems like a recipe for disaster. I'm sure there will be more details on this as the media latches on.
Clay Perry, just a quick story along those lines ...
When I went back to college a few years ago, my commute required that I take the el part of the way home at 10 o'clock at night. There was a man who was always on that train - who walked up and down the aisle asking for money to buy a sandwich. I started buying a sandwich on my way home and gave it to him when I saw him on the el. I don't know if he really wanted money for other things, or if he was hungry, but I erred on the side of honesty and made sure he had something to eat.
Bina, all that we can do is all that we can do, right? You are doing something, and that is what this is all about!
snugs, well, I didn't put you in the asshole and harsh categories, so I'll assume you are addressing my other commenters with that.
As far as the issue with Cam and the lighter/bus stop and the issue with the mother who let her daughters walk home, if you go back and read those posts, my issue wasn't that people got involved, my issue was that people didn't allow parents to be parents. That rather than allow the accountability to fall on the shoulders of the parents - to at least give the parents the opportunity to parent and the accountability should they fail to do so - they instead went to the authorities, bypassing the parents. I am saying the same thing here. Ideally, someone would have reached out to this mother. Had she ignored their offer of help, then they should have gone to the authorities. Unfortunately, none of this appears to have happened.
And as I said in my earlier response to you, we will have to agree to disagree. I respect your feelings of where the blame lies - I see it as being a bigger responsibility - one of society.
Wow, this story about the woman and the small child has sure got alot of comments, Dana. You and I are Christians and would have stopped to help "most of the time", right? I think all who have commented here would confess to remembering that there was a time they walked by. A time they turned a blind eye to a sad situation. We have all been in a hurry and ignored a real or perceived situation like the story you have told us. I don't think there is a comment so far that I disagree with 100%. What did society owe Tiffany? Nothing, something, everything? Now that a very young child is dead. We are all in shock. And should be. Tiffany murdered her little child, she is guilty of murder in my opinion. Society will judge her in a court of law. Where was the father? What is he guilty of in this situation? What are Tiffany's parents guilty of? What guilt should the people who walked by and didn't help have? What guilt should society have? These are all old questions that have been asked since the caveman times. We still don't have all of the answers. The solution is for each of us to try and be charitable in our own way. Arguing the amount of guilt of everyone who we can think of will not stop the next Tiffany from doing what she will do. What may stop the next Tiffany may be a kind word and a helping hand.
I feel sorry for both of them. It is a sad situation. Most people can feel so scared at times that they act out of their character. It is very sad.
g-man, *if* the media latches on. There is nothing really sensational about this story, which is equally as tragic!
we're doomed, I think I pushed a few buttons here and there, but that's not such a bad thing. My intent with this post wasn't to debate the levels of guilt, but rather to look a little deeper at the root cause. It's a fine line - between keeping it together and loosing it all - and sometimes people just need a warm smile and acknowledgment.
Together We Save, it's not always easy to see the other side of these things, but I do think it's always valuable to try.
AMEN! Best Post EVER!
Why I did foster care, and why I hope to get back into it when I get my life settled down.
I couldn't help large numbers, but I could love the few I had at a time.
cat, why thank you!
M, I actually thought of you and all that you have done - all that you are doing - to change things one kid at a time. You are definitely getting your hands dirty and are a wonderful example for all of us!
While I agree society needs to be less 'turn your head the other way'.... I find it difficult to muster up much sympathy for the mother. We all have reached rock bottom at some point (I know I have). Where things feel god awful. Where we think awful thoughts.
But to take the life of your child? No. That isn't 'societies' fault. Or her families fault. It's something she chose to do and it was wrong. The person who suffered was the child.
Regardless. Very interesting post and comments. I have to admit, I was reluctant to comment. But when I came back and read the various opinions and thoughts, I decided to drop in my 2 cents.
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