*NOTE* This is the post I referenced "sitting on" yesterday. I got - as Lu so eloquently put it - "stupidbrave"
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So, just what was it that sparked my I am Tired post? It was nothing, really. A small blip in the radar compared to some of the issues we've dealt with, but the impact and realization that came with it were significant.
The epiphany came after a "minor" confrontation between Cam and husband. Husband and I had - I thought - come to an agreement about how we would handle discipline with Cam. In short, I would be the one responsible for for it. This agreement alleviated a couple of issues:
Cam has a cell phone. Initially, he was allowed to use it only when leaving the house - a way that I could keep in touch with him. When it was clear he was being responsible with that privileged (a year later), he was allowed to keep the cell phone during the daytime hours - leaving it downstairs overnight. Again, he showed a great deal of responsibility with that and earned sole discretion of the cell phone.
Sunday night, Cam was on his cell phone at 10:30PM when husband came to bed (we do have a "No incoming phone calls after 9PM rule" on the land line phone). Husband went into Cam's room, yanked the phone out of his hand, and grounded him from all phone use for a week (cell phone and land line). He then walked into our bedroom and yelled, "God damned kid" and proceeded to rant about Cam's phone use. Like I said, in comparison to things we have dealt with in the past, this was minor, but ...
Husband had complete disregard for our discipline agreement, acted out of assumption and impulsivity, then demeaned Cam verbally, making certain he was loud enough that Cam could hear him in his room.
At that moment, I realized that this is typical of our relationship. We agree to some course of action, at some later date something randomly sets husband off (usually not even related to the current situation), he reacts and invalidates the agreement. We've talked about it again and again. Husband's reasoning is always along the lines that I am not stepping up to the plate, so he is forced to (this applies whether it is Cam, making dinner, grocery shopping - you name it). Personally, I believe it always comes back to husband feeling a lack of control over his life and reacting to that "threat" by being a bully to both Cam and me, gaining an artificial sense of control over at least his home life.
Now, I'm not placing all of the blame on him. I certainly have my faults. The difference is that I am addressing my faults - giving Cam the resources to address his faults - and husband is doing nothing to address his.
It's also become extremely clear that we have significant differences in priorities. Husband equates his value as a person to his professional status and salary - to the things he has (a nice car, a nice home, name brand clothing, etc.). On the other hand, I equate my value as a person to the things I do - to the success of my relationships (with Cam, with the community, with my God, etc.). In the process, husband feels he can't do enough to make me happy and I feel I cannot do enough to make him happy - because neither of us value the priorities of the other.
I'm not implying that husband is "wrong" and I am "right" - just acknowledging that we are very, VERY different. I kept thinking there was a happy medium - that if I could just get the house clean enough - if I could just make meals that he liked every night - if I could just get Cam's grades on track and his behavior headed in the right direction - if I ... if I ...
When it became clear that wasn't going to work (the things I was doing were of no value to husband - they weren't monetary), I decided that maybe this was as good as it gets. One doesn't have to look too hard in the blogging world to see that my family isn't that unusual. Just read a few infidelity and sex blogs and you'll see there are a large number of people out there, looking to fill the voids in their marital relationships with sex, while continuing on in unfulfilled (in some way) marriages. Maybe that was the best way to handle it. I started getting lulled into the "this isn't so bad" mode - I have a beautiful home - a husband who works very hard to provide - bills get paid - maybe I was being ridiculous longing for a deeper emotional bond with my husband. Maybe I should just find that component elsewhere.
Sunday night I realized that this really isn't about me or Cam. Neither of us have the predisposition to valuing the "things" that husband values. Cam is his mother's son - he is passionate in the things he does - he is the one who will stand up to the underdog - he looks for justice and will use logical arguments to demand justice (frustrating when coming from a 13 year old). Cam and I both struggle with self-esteem and fitting in, and living in an environment where we will never be "good enough" (again, because our priorities are so different than husbands) just multiplies our struggles. This has beat me down emotionally, and I'd be silly to think it isn't doing the same to Cam.
Over the next 2 months, Cam and I have a unique opportunity to separate ourselves from this situation. My hope is that it will allow me a chance to get stronger emotionally. I'll be with people who understand husband far better than I do (while with his family - without him - in San Antonio) and who love me (while with my family in Spokane). There will be no need to put on a smiling face. Both Cam and I will be able to relax - to let our guard down - knowing we won't be judged for being less than expected.
I know that I will likely have to give husband an ultimatum when we return from Spokane. Either realize that he is part of the problem and commit to taking specific steps to address his part in this (i.e. counseling, making time for family, working on his relationship with step-daughter, etc.) or Cam and I will need to go so that we can live a less stressful, more "real" life. I have to be ready to hear that he will not make changes - that the problem is not his. I have to be strong enough to stay true to my ultimatum and walk away.
I've been too tired to do this. Now I'm too tired not to ...
The epiphany came after a "minor" confrontation between Cam and husband. Husband and I had - I thought - come to an agreement about how we would handle discipline with Cam. In short, I would be the one responsible for for it. This agreement alleviated a couple of issues:
- Husband is often impulsive with discipline - overreacting to a minor incident then requiring me to uphold a discipline decision that I was not a part of. I react by compromising his discipline (not a good message to Cam). If I make the discipline decisions, I consistently uphold them.
- Husband and Cam have an adversarial relationship. Having husband out of the discipline mode gives him an opportunity to develop a more caring relationship with Cam.
- We avoid the, "He isn't my father" trap.
Cam has a cell phone. Initially, he was allowed to use it only when leaving the house - a way that I could keep in touch with him. When it was clear he was being responsible with that privileged (a year later), he was allowed to keep the cell phone during the daytime hours - leaving it downstairs overnight. Again, he showed a great deal of responsibility with that and earned sole discretion of the cell phone.
Sunday night, Cam was on his cell phone at 10:30PM when husband came to bed (we do have a "No incoming phone calls after 9PM rule" on the land line phone). Husband went into Cam's room, yanked the phone out of his hand, and grounded him from all phone use for a week (cell phone and land line). He then walked into our bedroom and yelled, "God damned kid" and proceeded to rant about Cam's phone use. Like I said, in comparison to things we have dealt with in the past, this was minor, but ...
Husband had complete disregard for our discipline agreement, acted out of assumption and impulsivity, then demeaned Cam verbally, making certain he was loud enough that Cam could hear him in his room.
At that moment, I realized that this is typical of our relationship. We agree to some course of action, at some later date something randomly sets husband off (usually not even related to the current situation), he reacts and invalidates the agreement. We've talked about it again and again. Husband's reasoning is always along the lines that I am not stepping up to the plate, so he is forced to (this applies whether it is Cam, making dinner, grocery shopping - you name it). Personally, I believe it always comes back to husband feeling a lack of control over his life and reacting to that "threat" by being a bully to both Cam and me, gaining an artificial sense of control over at least his home life.
Now, I'm not placing all of the blame on him. I certainly have my faults. The difference is that I am addressing my faults - giving Cam the resources to address his faults - and husband is doing nothing to address his.
It's also become extremely clear that we have significant differences in priorities. Husband equates his value as a person to his professional status and salary - to the things he has (a nice car, a nice home, name brand clothing, etc.). On the other hand, I equate my value as a person to the things I do - to the success of my relationships (with Cam, with the community, with my God, etc.). In the process, husband feels he can't do enough to make me happy and I feel I cannot do enough to make him happy - because neither of us value the priorities of the other.
I'm not implying that husband is "wrong" and I am "right" - just acknowledging that we are very, VERY different. I kept thinking there was a happy medium - that if I could just get the house clean enough - if I could just make meals that he liked every night - if I could just get Cam's grades on track and his behavior headed in the right direction - if I ... if I ...
When it became clear that wasn't going to work (the things I was doing were of no value to husband - they weren't monetary), I decided that maybe this was as good as it gets. One doesn't have to look too hard in the blogging world to see that my family isn't that unusual. Just read a few infidelity and sex blogs and you'll see there are a large number of people out there, looking to fill the voids in their marital relationships with sex, while continuing on in unfulfilled (in some way) marriages. Maybe that was the best way to handle it. I started getting lulled into the "this isn't so bad" mode - I have a beautiful home - a husband who works very hard to provide - bills get paid - maybe I was being ridiculous longing for a deeper emotional bond with my husband. Maybe I should just find that component elsewhere.
Sunday night I realized that this really isn't about me or Cam. Neither of us have the predisposition to valuing the "things" that husband values. Cam is his mother's son - he is passionate in the things he does - he is the one who will stand up to the underdog - he looks for justice and will use logical arguments to demand justice (frustrating when coming from a 13 year old). Cam and I both struggle with self-esteem and fitting in, and living in an environment where we will never be "good enough" (again, because our priorities are so different than husbands) just multiplies our struggles. This has beat me down emotionally, and I'd be silly to think it isn't doing the same to Cam.
Over the next 2 months, Cam and I have a unique opportunity to separate ourselves from this situation. My hope is that it will allow me a chance to get stronger emotionally. I'll be with people who understand husband far better than I do (while with his family - without him - in San Antonio) and who love me (while with my family in Spokane). There will be no need to put on a smiling face. Both Cam and I will be able to relax - to let our guard down - knowing we won't be judged for being less than expected.
I know that I will likely have to give husband an ultimatum when we return from Spokane. Either realize that he is part of the problem and commit to taking specific steps to address his part in this (i.e. counseling, making time for family, working on his relationship with step-daughter, etc.) or Cam and I will need to go so that we can live a less stressful, more "real" life. I have to be ready to hear that he will not make changes - that the problem is not his. I have to be strong enough to stay true to my ultimatum and walk away.
I've been too tired to do this. Now I'm too tired not to ...
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21 comments:
I don't pretend to 'know' the answer to this question but I am going to ask it anyway.
Has husband ever felt that the two of you---the husband and wife---were a unit? Has he ever felt that you value your relationship with him first?
I'm asking this because of the inherent difficulty in your situation. He may not be able to do any more than he is doing.
Sounds like this trail "separation" over the two months in summer could really enlighten both you and the husband.
Perhaps you will be able to feel love from people who value you thereby raising your self esteem, and maybe, just maybe, he will realize what he could potentially lose.
Whatever happens it will surly change the dynamics of the family. I hope it will be an eye opening and positive step forward for everyone.
You describe a text book addict (husband)/co-dependent(you) relationship. I can't remember what husband's form of addiction is or does he just have the controlling personality? This is where the serenity prayer can be helpful. You can't change him, you can't fix him or the relationship. He is not the source of your happiness or sorrow. You can only work on yourself. It can lead to him working on himself but given all you have posted about his attitude, I doubt it. You can reach a point where you are not willing to settle for this life any more and that could be a light bulb moment for him to say wait a minute, I want to change. But you have to be willing to walk away whether he gets it or not. You have to let go of trying to fix him and fix only yourself. My counselor looked at me one day after hearing one more of our stories like you described here and said "how long are you going to settle for this". I mulled it over for 2 weeks and it really got to me. Point is, I wish some one that you respect would say to you the same..the summer break will bring you some of the relief that you need; but I seem to recall the same sort of plan last summer, or last vacation. It's a cycle you go through; you get tired and worn down, you take a break or step back, you come back motivated to fix things, you get tired and worn down again. Until you change the course of the cycle nothing is going to change.
I am sorry, I know I am not the one to offer you advice. I know your true feeling about me and you could care less what I say. It's just is so obvious to me having lived a mirror life to yours. But it's just my opinion, that's all. If I wanted to go one step further w/o getting my head bit off, I would tell you to get to an Alanon based meeting, find a group and work the 12 steps. The best free counseling around.
Turn, honestly, I don't know. We did family counseling for a while, which morphed into marriage counseling, and when it became clear that husband had issues and could no longer "fool" the counselor, he quit going. We never got far into the process when husband declared it was Cam and I who needed to be fixed. I believe this was a defense mechanism - that husband knows he is partially at fault - but isn't at a place where he can address that.
I do believe he *is* doing all he can right now and that the only hope is if he realizes there might be growth with professional help. But that concept battles with his need to be in control and I'm not sure he can overcome it.
Jeff, I think the time will be a unique opportunity to experience the other side (for all of us) without making a permanent decision.
As you know, I always wish the very best for you. I hope that you can find it with your husband, but if you can't I hope you have the strength to find it elsewhere.
You deserve to be loved and valued right now.
I'm not going to pretend to understand all of the dynamics of your relationship with husband or try to give you any words of wisdom.
All I can is, if you can't find the happiness you seek with husband that you have the strength to move on and do what is best not only for you but for Cam.
I'm in no fit position to offer any advice, but I do think you're right in your judgement that something serious and drastic and lasting needs to change.
snugs, actually, you might be surprised to learn that I always read your advise - and I do my best to set personality conflicts aside when I do.
It is a co-dependent relationship, and I am quite good at those. Therein lies my "fault" in all of this. The most difficult step for me is acceptance that I cannot change the dynamics of the relationship unless I change the dynamics of the relationship (i.e. remove myself from it).
Last year's vacation was one where the reality of just how much stress there was in daily life - of Cam and I always having to be on our best behavior - slapped me up alongside the head. The advantage this year is that I know that's what to expect and I will (hopefully) use the time more wisely.
RLL, not only do you always wish the best for me, but you are an inspiration.
hubman, you know, if things were better for Cam in this relationship - if he were benefiting at all - I might be willing to compromise my happiness a bit, but that isn't the case.
I'm sorry to hear you and Cam have so much stress in your lives right now. I hope that this little "break" will bring you the enlightenment you need to make the best decision for you and Cam. No matter how it turns out, I know you will have given it much thought.
Not sure I really have any advice, but best of luck to you in whatever decision you make. I'm sure you'll figure out what's best for you and Cam.
I can somewhat empathize with you. Living with someone that values "materialistic" things over the emotional needs of others always makes for a difficult environment.
I lived with it for 8 years - and the ex is continuing the same pattern with the boys. He's onto bigger and better things... an inground pool is going in this summer at his house. Wow, he can't buy his boys clothes that fit or don't have holes in them but he can afford a $10-$20 thousand dollar pool. Makes ya go hmmm... definitely doesn't have his priorities straight.
But know whatever decision you make you will be strong enough to do it... you have to put Cam and yourself first and do what's best for the both of you. Best of luck and know that I'll be thinking of you.
You're on the right track. Be strong.
Wow. Huge decision. I am proud that you have found the strength to make you needs a priority. You have a lot to give and you deserve to be around someone who appreciates you.
Good for you for getting stupidbrave. I commend your honesty. And I wish you all the bravery you can muster in the days and months to come. Its a tough road you are facing, many woman aren't as strong as you and never make it out. But believe me when I tell you as a child of a very abusive, dysfunctional family, you are doing the best thing for your son and for yourself.
Making the decision to 'change' things and actually following through with them is the biggest step. The *HARDEST* step.
I know. Bc in my mind, I *knew* what I should do for much longer then it took for me to finally *DO* it. But I did get to a point where I KNEW. Just KNEW that it was over and it was me who had to be strong enough to make it be that way.
Who knows what will happen after your summer away,but I wish you luck in whatever decision you come to. *hugs*
I totally agree with Snugs - the Serenity Prayer works in so many ways, situations and challenges.
If neither of you value the priorities of the other, then all the material things: work, salary, nice home, etc., is all meaningless. Home should mean- wherever your husband - wherever your "family unit" is. Love. Comfort. Understanding.
Whatever you decide, only you can decide to change the situation.
Sorry you're going through this.
{hugs}
I hope that the travel is a good bonding experience for you and Cam, and gives you the time to think about what you want and need to do at home.
Enjoy your travels.
The part about priorities hit so close to home for me, but I never quite articulated it like that....
Not an easy situation. I am glad you will have some time and distance to calmly think through your options. Keep in mind that you will be a step ahead of husband in the whatever decision you make it he is not of the same mind.
I will pray that God gives you wisdom to make the right decision, and PEACE that you did so.....I think courage comes in knowing that you are doing the right thing.
ox
Following sentence may sound cheesey but those are the words in my head. I think you are so neat Dana. I can truely imagine what you could do and be if you weren't fighting an ideal day in and day out. Simply to smile with easy in your own home... Here's hoping :)
It always amazes me how intelligently you write.
My first thought is, "What about Cam's cell phone?" Did you step in? How is he feeling?
I had a friend that was re-married, and she had a son from a previous marraige, young teenager. Your situation sounds so much like theirs. I don't want to "assume" or "over-step" my knowledge of the situation, but, I had to yell at the new husband for treating the kid a particular way. He said, "Well, she doesn't discipline him enough so someone has to do it! He'll grow up to be a sissy pussy-boy!"
I told him that no matter what, that is HER son, not his, and ultimately, any final decision is up to his mother. And so what if he grew up to be a sissy, couldn't he still be loved? You can't berate a child/teenager on a constant basis and expect them to turn out "normal" and what he was doing to that child/teenager was far worse then if she didn't discipline enough/properly.
God, does that even make sense? I wish I could write like you do. I don't know how to get my words out and make them sound right.
Anyway, I hope your time away helps clear you head and gives your strength.
Wow. We have the same problems within our marriage as you. Except mine is my daughter and husband.
I had to make the same call as yu and it went down just as I expected. He offered to get help and once I became comfortable again he went back to being the ass-hole I was told he would never again.
You have to be just as you said "able to except the chance that he may not want to change" or I should say change the problem and think that you and cam may be the problem which is sad, but some men and women believe they are fine and you and yours are the problem.
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