11 May 2009

I am Tired

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Tired of trying to be the "perfect" wife when perfection is elusive and efforts are seldom appreciated.

Tired of enforcing rules that make no sense.

Tired of listening to a grown man belittle the children in his life.

Tired of worrying about financial security when spending priorities are impacted by the decisions of only one person.

Tired of trying to fix things when what really needs to be fixed is never acknowledged.

Tired of acting as mediator.

Tired of putting on a smiling face for the public and crying in private.

Tired of compromising my own growth - my own happiness - when the results are that no one is happy.

Tired of wishing he'd do something clearly abusive so that I could justify walking out.

Tired of feeling defeated.

I am just so tired ...

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36 comments:

we're doomed said...

Dana, you may become too tired to save yourself. I hope you rest before that happens. Good luck!

Karen said...

I know it is more complicated than this, but it the first thing that comes to mind: If you are really tired of things, change them. Your happiness, safety and sanity has to be a priority!

Amorous Rocker said...

I started to say something similar to what Karen said. Then I felt like a total hypocrite given I relate so well with most of what you said.

You do need to do something though. You deserve to be happy and healthy. *hugs*

Evil Twin's Wife said...

Please take care of yourself and try to make the necessary changes. {{{Hugs}}}

Dana said...

doomed, it worries even me when I cannot see any other life but this one.

Karen, I expect many more of these type comments. It's been part of the reason I've put on the smiling face.

Amorous, I know - all too well - that I am the only one who can change things. I just needed to rant - to put it into words - to remind myself of where I am.

Anneal said...

Living there Myself...just from the other side of tired...
yourself is the answer...easier said then done
A

13messages said...

I think very highly of you and wish that those around you recognize you for all that you do. My best your way.

Another Suburban Mom said...

You are doing your best to cope with a bad situation.

When you are really ready to go, you will dig deep and rally your formidable strength and do it.

I have faith in that.

Nicey said...

(((Dana))) feel for ya hun as I know yor trying your best.
You have to put yourself first, if your happy then everyone else will be. Stay strong and do what you think is right, doen't matter what anyone else thinks.
Stay strong, laters

Nicey

Professor Fate said...

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time.

Dana said...

Evil Twin's Wife, most of my energy these days is tapped in mitigating damage to the kids. Taking care of myself has had to take a back seat right now.

Anneal, trust me, there will be many who disagree with your easier said than done stance.

13messages, I wish I could just recognize it - it just never enough - never.

Dana said...

Another Suburban Mom, I don't know that I'll ever be ready to go. I made a commitment - for better or for worse - with no limitations on worse. I don't step away from commitment very well.

Nicey, ahhh, but my best isn't good enough is it? Therein lies the problem. There must be a way to be better, to try harder - I'm just not cutting it.

Professor Fate, it's a rough patch right now. I know that this will pass. I just can't seem to find or create the joy right now.

Matt-Man said...

Welcome to what my world used to be and after 14 years, I fianlly changed worlds. I hope it doesn't take you as long. Cheers!!

buffalodick said...

When you are actually physically tired, these feelings can come to the forefront. Getting rest for the mind and the body are very important to how you see things. I know- I've been an insomniac for decades...

Jay said...

I think we all find ourselves in situations where it's easier to talk about how to change them than to actually do it. We feel a commitment to something or someone even if others say "oh, it'll be okay, you can move/quit/whatever."

Turnbaby said...

"Tired of wishing he'd do something clearly abusive so that I could justify walking out."

To whom? To you? To the children? What is clearly abusive? A slap? Hands on your throat? Kicking in a locked door?

Your son is learning about relationships watching this. No matter what you say or tell him he sees and notes what you do.

I tell my clients if you don't realize that you need to save your self FIRST what good are you to the children?

snugs said...

When you really get sick and tired of it you will have the courage to change it and then you will wonder what the hell took you so long to just do it. For your sake and for Cam's I hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me or Matt.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you are emotional abused to me....what are you waiting for? To be more emotionally abused?

Dana, please take this in the sense that it is presented. I hate seeing people anguish and stay in a relationship where they can't grow and where they are tired all the time of all the bullshit. Life is just way too short.

I think that if you just cut the umbilical cord, you will find that 10 ton gorilla off your back in no time....

Bina said...

You have been trying so hard for son long, no wonder you are so tired. If it were me, I probably would have given up by now.

No one knows how you feel because no one is your shoes but you. I pray that things will work out for you and Cam, one way or the other.

Dana said...

Matt-Man, sometimes I wonder just how tired I'll need to get.

Jay, I cannot begin to tell you the struggle I have with the commitment side of this - what it means - and takes - for me to give *MY* word.

Turnbaby, definitely to me, and preferably without the kids seeing. Wrong? Absolutely, but it is where I'm at.

And you'll get no argument from me on the relationship I am modeling for the kids, but I am also modeling sticking it out for the long haul - taking ownership of the "For better or for worse" commitment - which also has merit. If it were a black/white issue, I wouldn't be so tired.

Dana said...

snugs, Damn! You caught me off guard with that comment snugs! I would agree - I deserve what I got - Cam and step-daughter are being caught up in the collateral damage - or they are learning about persistence and long-term commitment - I'm not sure which.

flyinfox-satx, I don't know that it would be "abuse" for anyone else. Given my background - given my life experiences - I think I do take things far too personally at times. Maybe he's right - maybe it is all my problem and he really is the good guy?

Bina, I have been trying, and just when I think we've made progress I find a wrench that is somehow tossed in the mix and has his fingerprints all over it, but is from my toolbox.

Bond said...

I can relate on a number of levels to this post and as Matt pointed out...I finally decided to change things.

No one can tell you when or how, so I will just tell you that a hug and a shoulder to lean on is always here for you.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Why do I always read snugs as slugs?

Anyway, I spent 10 years and I have to tell you, I am so much happier now. Actually, I never had a happy day with the ex. Not a full day anyway. There would always be something peppered in that ruined it.

I wish for you what I have found. A life filled with mostly peace, love and harmony.

(Hugs)

Librarian Lee said...

I don't need to type it. You know what I'd say. I know this - you're only going to keep getting weaker - and the biggest battle is ahead...

g-man said...

I have been there too. Now I take medication. It has helped.

Turnbaby said...

What RLL said.

And my 'questions' were rhetorical. You are teaching your son that a guy can be a total ass and abusive and singularly selfish(from your descriptions) and the woman will stick in there for the 'long haul', no matter what.

What about the kids seeing? That will never be anything you can fix with all your 'commitment' rhetoric. It HAS to be honored from both sides or it is worthless.

And honoring it does not mean you will always get along or see eye to eye or that there will not be rough times. But there has to be effort made--real effort not just a brief cessation in the active crap.

Biscuit said...

I'm looking forward to the day when you breathe a sigh of relief. When you are no longer tired. When you are confident that you are worth more than *this*. I know it'll come.

Vixen said...

The biggest that stuck out in my mind is the feeling of defeat.

I hope you are able to move past this feeling of such....tiredness. Having been stuck in a marriage where I have felt all of the things you described and *knowing* that TIRED feeling.... *hugs*

Dana said...

Bond, I'm closer than I ever have been - I do know that. There have been quite a few "little" things that have really opened my eyes. I so hate to give up though, not only on my commitment, but on husband.

Real Live Lesbian, there was a time when I read "snugs" as "Oh shit, here we go again" but must say that has changed over time.

Librarian Lee, you have a bit more insight into this situation than anyone else does - you've been where I am. I'm now in a position where I am less emotional and more logical, and I'm hoping that's what will bring me to where I need to be.

Dana said...

g-man, are you telling me to drug his coffee in the morning?? *grin*

Turnbaby, I do understand your position - hell, I've written those same words in comments to others - I "know" all of that, just haven't yet come to terms with it.

Biscuit, understand that this isn't all about my lack of self-esteem (although that does play a large part), but also due to needing to resolve the conflict in giving up on the relationship rather than giving up on him. I don't give up on people, although maybe I should some times.

Dana said...

Vixen, that tired feeling is so all encompassing at times that I question where the strength of the woman has gone.

Lu' said...

It's work, hard work. You are bound to get tired, but are you sick and tired?

katherine. said...

there is a great deal of wisdom in the comments above. Turn has some excellent points that I personally second. But even with all the details that you give to us...only you know the full story...what keeps you trying.

It seems to me you are trying to do whatever you can to keep your family and marriage intact. That is honorable Dana. If you end up leaving...you will always know that you gave it your best effort.

Years from now your hindsight will be 20/20, smile.

Kimberly said...

Brilliantly written! Hugs to you, my dear!

garbonzo said...

I know you made a commitment. But, what you are forgetting is that the commitment was between the two of you. He isn't holding up his end of the bargain. Time to step away for a bit. Take some time off. Separate.

cat said...

Everyone deserves to be happy and yes Dana, that also includes you.

I have been where you are now and know the feelings of the "Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda's" But haven't.

Then one day I did it. Was life easier? Not financially, but I was very happy and never regretted it.