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Tuesday was bad on several fronts. In addition to losing it over a $7 math workbook, I was also served a big old helping of awkward cake at the post office.
I live in a neighborhood that is EXTREMELY cliquey. I've mentioned on several occasions that we live in a *small* town, but in addition my neighborhood is notorious for gossip. The SAHM's can be seen waiting with their kids at the bus stop catching up on the latest "news" and the Bunko players are on the group gossip circuit.
I've never been a part of these groups - in fact, I've gone out of my way to avoid all of the brew-ha-ha, but once in a while it catches up with me anyway.
I was at the post office Tuesday, putting in my change of address forms, when my neighbor from across the street approached me and said, "I've been hearing rumors in the neighborhood about your husband and if someone was saying these things about my family I'd want to know - so I'm going to tell you."
After my initial thought that I was going to finally discover which of my neighbors posted an ad on Ashley Madison, I calmly said, "Yes?"
She told me that neighbors were saying husband beats Cam - that Cam had apparently shared the information with a few people on his football team and now the parents were talking.
I stood there for a brief moment and said, "Husband has definitely taken discipline beyond what is acceptable on several occasions. Cam and I are moving out on Friday because of this" ... and then I started crying in the middle of the post office.
You know, I battle between telling half truths (I could have just said we were having family issues and left it at that) and tiring of keeping husband's "secrets". I have never told Cam to hide what goes on in this house, nor have I encouraged him to tell everyone. I've kind of left the decision up to him. I know all too well what it is like to be burdened by the secrets of adult behavior.
The neighbor actually seemed shocked to hear that there was some truth to the rumor. It was pretty clear from her body language that she was hoping to get a neighbor "in trouble" for telling lies ... but they weren't exactly lies.
I don't know if I did the right thing - sharing the information that I did - but I know that I felt a tinge of guilt. I mean, it's not like husband comes home every night and whoops up on Cam. Has "discipline" gone too far on more than one occasion? Yes! Is it abusive? Yes! But how much honesty about others is mine to share?
Tuesday was bad on several fronts. In addition to losing it over a $7 math workbook, I was also served a big old helping of awkward cake at the post office.I live in a neighborhood that is EXTREMELY cliquey. I've mentioned on several occasions that we live in a *small* town, but in addition my neighborhood is notorious for gossip. The SAHM's can be seen waiting with their kids at the bus stop catching up on the latest "news" and the Bunko players are on the group gossip circuit.
I've never been a part of these groups - in fact, I've gone out of my way to avoid all of the brew-ha-ha, but once in a while it catches up with me anyway.
I was at the post office Tuesday, putting in my change of address forms, when my neighbor from across the street approached me and said, "I've been hearing rumors in the neighborhood about your husband and if someone was saying these things about my family I'd want to know - so I'm going to tell you."
After my initial thought that I was going to finally discover which of my neighbors posted an ad on Ashley Madison, I calmly said, "Yes?"
She told me that neighbors were saying husband beats Cam - that Cam had apparently shared the information with a few people on his football team and now the parents were talking.
I stood there for a brief moment and said, "Husband has definitely taken discipline beyond what is acceptable on several occasions. Cam and I are moving out on Friday because of this" ... and then I started crying in the middle of the post office.
You know, I battle between telling half truths (I could have just said we were having family issues and left it at that) and tiring of keeping husband's "secrets". I have never told Cam to hide what goes on in this house, nor have I encouraged him to tell everyone. I've kind of left the decision up to him. I know all too well what it is like to be burdened by the secrets of adult behavior.
The neighbor actually seemed shocked to hear that there was some truth to the rumor. It was pretty clear from her body language that she was hoping to get a neighbor "in trouble" for telling lies ... but they weren't exactly lies.
I don't know if I did the right thing - sharing the information that I did - but I know that I felt a tinge of guilt. I mean, it's not like husband comes home every night and whoops up on Cam. Has "discipline" gone too far on more than one occasion? Yes! Is it abusive? Yes! But how much honesty about others is mine to share?
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27 comments:
Oh what a wonderful world this would be if people would mind their own damn business. Just concentrate on your concerns as you see them and fuck the others who want to know what's going on out of neighborly "concern". Cheers Dana!!
It is all yours to share! It is your husband and your son. It is your life that is being turned upside down. Don't be embarrassed to tell the truth. There is power in the truth.
First off, I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. I think you shared enough information to get that person off your back. Now its in your neighbor's court. If your neighbor was sincere in their approach the next step for them would be...what can I do to help? If not, then you know that they are part of the gossip column and just do your best to stay away from them.
The truth shall set you free. The "freedom" of not needing to parse your words searching for the right half-truth should reduce the stress in your life.
there are really no secrets - to thine own self be true - isnt that a christian thing?
whoops its shakespeare....
That's the one thing that I've struggled with about my ex. Shame stopped me dead in my tracks about telling the truth. That and she always told me never to speak of it.
That kinda makes me want to blog about the very event that she told me never to speak of.
It's hard to tell the very disturbing truth about someone that you love even though you shouldn't love them or you deserve better than that person.
I'm glad you told the truth. You're much stronger than you know!
How does the phrase go: "the truth shall set you free"? I think being honest about it not only with yourself but with others will help you heal and find strength in what you are doing. I'm not saying rent a plane and write it in the sky....but when asked, be honest.
Also, please don't be ashamed - the fact you are getting you and Cam out of the situation is something to be very proud of. It is just hard right now with everything going on.
Hugs to you both!
~Emmy
Words have power. It's best to use the true ones.
RLL: It might help you to write about it - even if you never share it on your blog, or if you use a password for it. Being told to "never tell" is abusive and those words are given more power than they should have.
peace...
In telling the truth, you don't have to keep track of the half-truths and stories you've given other people. It's much easier, and less stressful in the long run to be open and honest regardless of the circumstances.
Not only that, but sometimes just in telling a complete stranger something you normally wouldn't, like your moving out, actually helps with internal healing.
Besides, you never know.. That neighbor might actually reach out and offer some support for you and Cam when you least expect it!
Kindness and compassion come in many forms. However, ugliness and hatred do too. It's up to you to decide if you're going to accept one or the other.
I've found that talking/writing about those things that we tend not to want to allow gossip mongers to hear, is cathartic.
If you can find a safe (nothing goes beyond this room), non-judgmental individual or group who will listen and be supportive that would be great.
Because of my professional background, social worker and clergyperson, I have spent time in therapy primarily because the therapist/group is supportive and safe.
This is just terrible... You will soon be rid of a lot of this crap. Thank goodness.
You owe them nothing, though politically (in a small town), that might be difficult to do. You certainly didn't say anything to damage what people are already saying about him, and the days of excusing his behavior are gone.
It's your reality and you have every right to share that with anyone you choose. I think you may be feeling like you're airing dirty laundry, but quit feeling sorry for a grown man who makes bad choices and start feeling great for being a loving mom who makes the BEST choice! {{{Hugs}}}
As has been said above - the truth is yours...you own it..it is yours to share or not to share...
but hiding is what you have done in the past and it has not helped you, has it?
Dana, you're not going to burn in hell for that piece of "awkward cake" methinks.
Matt-Man, there is a fine line between being concerned about your neighbor and being over-zealous in peeking into their lives. I found very few people can walk that line.
Karen, there is power in truth and I think it might be even more than the power of secrets!
Joker_SATX, fortunately, my new apartment is out of this gossip loop ... for the most part. What a relief it will be!
Professor Fate, I have to tell you that I think the relief of honesty will be far greater than I ever imagined!
doggybloggy, Shakespeare ... Christ ... Potato ... Pot-ah-to ... but I will admit this sounded strange coming from you. Aren't you one of the people who has taken issue with me sharing too much on the blog?
Real Live Lesbian, I think that's the rub in all of this. I do still love husband - I care about how his life turns out - and I don't want to negatively impact that even realizing the choice of the behavior was his.
Emmy, maybe that's the comfortable place to take this. I wasn't initiating the "bad" talk, just responding honestly to a question asked.
Margaret, peace ... now that I am looking forward to!
Jormengrund, Lying takes SO.MUCH.EFFORT!
Sometimes Saintly Nick, I've always wondered who clergy and therapists go to when *they* need to share!
Doc, some of it will stay, but I can certainly address the rumors ... even if the rumor is close to the truth.
Osbasso, that's actually a good point - I clarified the rumor making it not quite so bad!
Evil Twin's Wife, what? That would be the logical response *wink*
Bond, clearly what I've been doing hasn't been working. I need to remind myself that it's a new start and I've got myself back now!
we're doomed, I don't know ... all it took was a bite of an apple for those other folks!
But think about what Adam got for that bite of the apple. wink wink
He should be ashamed, not you. If he hadn't done anything you wouldn't have felt the need to cover for the behavior.
Like others said, it's good to share sometimes. The truth is a good thing.
I read this this morning and it's been in the back of my mind all day. I can't figure out what it is about it that bothers me, while I fully support telling the truth, there is just something "off" on this- at least for me...Maybe it's coming from a small town and going through a very public and ugly divorce too...I guess I would just say that taking the high road at all times has its benefits..Good Luck to you Dana, you have some rough times ahead, but you are moving in the best direction!
its not what you say its how you say it -
I don't think you shared too much. Yes, you could have just said something about 'family issues'. But you are going through something very difficult and in what I would refer to as emotional duress. We feel and say things during those times/moments that maybe at a different point in time we wouldn't have.
*hugs*
I so agree with Karen. This is not your guilt to carry. Its your truth as much as his and you have taken measures to change it. What has he done? Let him carry the guilt. {{Hugs.}} I am sure this is all very hard.
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