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I love roller coasters. In fact, I'm one of those nutcases who rides in the front with hands waving wildly in the air. But in life? I prefer a carousel ride - little, smooth ups and downs. These last two weeks? American Eagle!
There are days when I am certain I'm moving in the right direction. Passive aggressive laundry day was one of those days.
Then there are the days where I wonder if the relative "security" of husband's income is worth trying to keep the peace in this house. Yeah ... yeah ... I always know the answer to that question, but still. I've certainly proclaimed it really isn't about the money, but there are days when it really is all about the money.
Yesterday, my morning email reading included a low balance alert from MealPayPlus - the company than manages the middle school lunch accounts. I've been trying to keep Cam from eating, but he insists it's a requirement. It's not unusual for him to get two lunches (at $2.50 each) and sometimes he even gets three. The balance in his lunch account as of yesterday morning? $5.20. My next payday? December 10th. Yeah ... that account is a bit short. Looks like 5 days of PB & J and water.
Then it was time to go through Cam's backpack before sending him to school. I find ademand request for $7 to cover the cost of a book he lost, a demand request for the $125 school registration fees I still haven't paid, and a letter demanding I pay yet another optional fee informing me that if Cam wants a yearbook he'll need to order it no later than December 8th to the tune of $28. Next payday? Still December 10th.
Off to work I go, already with a piss poor attitude. Doesn't matter how hard I work, payday is still December 10th.
Soon after getting to work, I get an email from Cam's Math teacher. Seems Cam's math workbook grew legs and walked away. We've looked for it at home - at school - it's off enjoying a holiday in Bermuda. Her email reads:
December 10th? So Cam will need to copy every problem down from the teacher copy of the workbook, then complete each problem on a separate sheet of paper until December 10th? This one made the tears fall. I have done my best to "protect" Cam from the sudden loss of income, but now he was going to "pay" for my inability to pay. EPIC.MOM.FAIL
*A special thanks to a Twitter follower, and blog reader, who offered to cover the $7 for the math workbook*
Then I called the cable company to schedule installation. Although the installation is free, they'll need $78.14 on the day of installation to cover the first month of service (tv, internet and phone). Installation date? December 7th. Payday? Still December 10th.
So, here I sit with $774.87 in my checking account. $700 of that is slotted for December rent (prorated). That leaves me $74.87 until ... December 10th. The realization that there are a few things I still need to get for the apartment (like curtains, and groceries), that I haven't figured out a way to make my car run on "love", and that $19.95 (plus $1.09/mile) is going out to cover the cost of a moving truck hit me hard.
No, it shouldn't be about money, but when you are looking at a huge deficit - even if only temporary - what shouldn't be ... is.
We'll be OK. I'll suck it up and make it work.
Humble sure feels like humiliating ...
I love roller coasters. In fact, I'm one of those nutcases who rides in the front with hands waving wildly in the air. But in life? I prefer a carousel ride - little, smooth ups and downs. These last two weeks? American Eagle!There are days when I am certain I'm moving in the right direction. Passive aggressive laundry day was one of those days.
Then there are the days where I wonder if the relative "security" of husband's income is worth trying to keep the peace in this house. Yeah ... yeah ... I always know the answer to that question, but still. I've certainly proclaimed it really isn't about the money, but there are days when it really is all about the money.
Yesterday, my morning email reading included a low balance alert from MealPayPlus - the company than manages the middle school lunch accounts. I've been trying to keep Cam from eating, but he insists it's a requirement. It's not unusual for him to get two lunches (at $2.50 each) and sometimes he even gets three. The balance in his lunch account as of yesterday morning? $5.20. My next payday? December 10th. Yeah ... that account is a bit short. Looks like 5 days of PB & J and water.
Then it was time to go through Cam's backpack before sending him to school. I find a
Off to work I go, already with a piss poor attitude. Doesn't matter how hard I work, payday is still December 10th.
Soon after getting to work, I get an email from Cam's Math teacher. Seems Cam's math workbook grew legs and walked away. We've looked for it at home - at school - it's off enjoying a holiday in Bermuda. Her email reads:
I’m sorry that Cam’s math workbook grew legs and walked away. I have heard of that happening on many occasions. :~)
Every student was issued a workbook free of charge. The cost to replace the workbook is $7.00. I am happy to give Cam an extension on the assignment through the weekend. Is it possible for Cam to bring in the $7 within the next few days? The other option would be for Cam to copy every problem down from my copy, than complete each problem on a separate sheet of paper. However, I don’t think that would be the best option for Cam. Also, we will be using the workbook much more now that the concepts are getting more difficult. The textbook just does not offer enough examples for practice.
Please let me know when Cam would be able to bring in the $7.
December 10th? So Cam will need to copy every problem down from the teacher copy of the workbook, then complete each problem on a separate sheet of paper until December 10th? This one made the tears fall. I have done my best to "protect" Cam from the sudden loss of income, but now he was going to "pay" for my inability to pay. EPIC.MOM.FAIL
*A special thanks to a Twitter follower, and blog reader, who offered to cover the $7 for the math workbook*
Then I called the cable company to schedule installation. Although the installation is free, they'll need $78.14 on the day of installation to cover the first month of service (tv, internet and phone). Installation date? December 7th. Payday? Still December 10th.
So, here I sit with $774.87 in my checking account. $700 of that is slotted for December rent (prorated). That leaves me $74.87 until ... December 10th. The realization that there are a few things I still need to get for the apartment (like curtains, and groceries), that I haven't figured out a way to make my car run on "love", and that $19.95 (plus $1.09/mile) is going out to cover the cost of a moving truck hit me hard.
No, it shouldn't be about money, but when you are looking at a huge deficit - even if only temporary - what shouldn't be ... is.
We'll be OK. I'll suck it up and make it work.
Humble sure feels like humiliating ...
~*~*~*~*~
29 comments:
Change is always different. Change is usually tough. Change can be embarrassing. But it will be worth it.
I would hope the landlord would let you make a partial payment with the rest following in three days (but you cannot be even a day late again for many months)
You are not alone in this. I will probably be copying your post for January for myself.....
The problem here isn't that it's all about money.. It's that just because safety and security AREN'T about money, life usually is.
I mean, we live in a nation where commerce and mercantilisim are the gods, and we're the worshipers. The almighty dollar is what gives us our freedoms and liberties, and if we're running short, so are our options.
I've worked really hard to provide for my family, and there are times when I start to wonder if the sacrifice has been worth it. I mean, you spend that extra time gaining a few hours of overtime, and miss the "big game" because of it. You don't get to see her first dance recital because of an emergency situation that happens at your jobsite... The list can go on and on.
So you give up the "little things" in order to have more freedom. But in the end, how much have you REALLY paid?
I feel for you Dana, I really do. I've been down that road, I've climbed out, but there are times where it feels like one wrong step will send me plummeting right back down where I came from.
Hang in there.. It does get better!
Hi Dana,
You hang in there you will make it work. I do feel for you because it
is a shock to maybe cutting your household income in half. It isn't a question of "I want" its a question of "I need". I will help you out anyway I can just say the words dear......
Tom (soxyes)
I think we've all been there. Financially at least. Things always seem to pile up at once. But, you gotta keep the big picture in mind. You're going to be fine. Deep inside you know that, you just have to convince that part of your brain that isn't so sure.
I hate money. Everyone needs it, no one ever has enough - and just when you think that everything is fine, you get hit along side the head with something that makes you need more again.
Go talk to the school. Many times they have ways of helping out parents in situations like yours. And if the principal is good, s/he will keep it totally quiet.
While it may not feel like it, this too shall pass. Just doesn't seem like it right now.
HUGS!
I wrote a long dissertation from a legal stand point, but I deleted it. I still think you are entitled to more from your husband than you are taking. I don't want you to miss the opportunity to get what are entitled to.
Good luck.
Professor Fate, I'm a little leery of asking the landlord for "special circumstances" on the first moth's rent, but yes - it would be an option. More likely I'll postpone cable/internet service for a week and rediscover the joys of reading a book!
Joker_SATX, I realize just how temporary this is. After my December 10th pay check I'll be back on track and by the end of January should be on a regular monthly budget, but DANG these last few days are difficult! said...
Jormengrund, part of my challenge in all of this is trying to continue to give Cam a little bit of "stability" - like McD's once a week (instead of 2-3 times/week) and the opportunity to continue purchasing his school lunch. It will eventually smooth out and be just fine, but the abruptness of all of this and attempting to minimize its impact on Cam has been a challenge.
Tom, I didn't cut my family income in half, I am now supporting 2 people on 1/4 of the income we used to have to support 3 people on. I also didn't take into consideration the fact that I was still attempting to contribute to the "old" household budget while saving up for the "new" household start-up expenses. It just wasn't a very good plan.
Jay, you are right - Cam and I will not only be fine, we'll be far healthier emotionally than we have been for 6 years, and there isn't a price tag that can be placed on that.
Emmy, I've actually done just that. The principal assured me he would make sure Cam got the math workbook today. He is also allowing Cam to purchase one lunch each day on an "emergency" lunch plan (same lunch as everyone else) until my application for free/reduced price lunches can be processed. If there is one thing I've learned in all of this it's that there is help available if you are (1) able to find the people who have it to offer, and (2) are willing to explain your circumstances and put yourself out there.
Karen, I *know* you are right - I am entitled to FAR more than I am taking - but right now I'm focusing my strength on getting out. I realize that decision may come back and bite me in the ass at a later date, but right now I can only focus on the primary issues of safety and security.
We went two weeks without cable when we first moved into the new house. It's odd at first, but you'll be okay. The evenings seem to last longer and you can TALK. Might actually work out nicely. Talking to a teenager!
You're going to be okay. (actually a lot more than okay) But let's start there. Keep telling yourself that.
Oh Dana..I sure know how you feel...when I left, I offered 45% of my salary as alimony? Why? Because my son lived there...and she was the mother of my son
Regret t? Not really, if we had down the lawyer thing it would have cost me less per month, but more due to the fees.
Would I have one wish it is for her to find someone and let me begin to save for my retirement
You need to really look at walking away without more from him...once you are gone it will be hard to get it...seriously - you deserve some support..
Talk to Cam..... from the bottom of your pocket. Be honest with him about the money.
He should understand that a little sacrifice will take you both a long way down this new road.
Good Luck!
Dana...I have the feeling that this whole post while, on the surface, is about the money...is really SO NOT about the money. It's just fear of what could be.
I don't for one minute believe that you only have $774.87 to your name until payday. If worst came to worst, I have the feeling that you have some funds that you could get at. Yes, it would be a pain and, no, you don't want to touch it but if you had to, you could. You're a smart woman, and I just do not believe the $774.87 is it...
And I agree with the person who told you to talk to Cam. He's not an idiot; you're not keeping anything from him. And when you said EPIC.MOM.FAIL about Cam's "sudden loss of income," it's the closest I've ever come to being irritated here. That is not even anywhere near close to an EPIC.MOM.FAIL. What, you might ask, is a real EPIC.MOM.FAIL? One who stands there as phones are flung into walls (with a good probability of it being a head eventually). THAT is an EPIC.MOM.FAIL.
I love ya, Dana, but knock it off. Humble is only humiliating if that is the way you see it. Yeah, I don't agree with that either. Yeah, you two will be okay. Better than okay. No one's gonna starve, and you're not even gonna be what is considered "poor." But, even if you were, the two of you would still be better. And when you realize this, remember you heard it from me first.
Sheesh...
Real Live Lesbian, I'm all excited because I discovered there is an antenna on the building - that and an HD converter box ($20) will get me TV until the 10th!
Bond, remember though, the goal here is NOT divorce - the goal is to see if we can salvage this marriage while we are all in more "peaceful" environments.
Micky-T, Cam is in full out denial here, but reality will catch up to him. Unfortunately, his denial is directly related to my parenting so I can't blame that one on him.
kim-d, funds I could get at? Sure - if I were to ask a family member for a loan or was able to sell off items that will be left in the house. Both viable options. In no way was I implying that I am "poor" - in fact, I have so much more than many in my position. I *am* lucky and I am grateful for that.
Did I feel like a failure when I had to admit to the principal that $7 was not something I could afford as an extra right now? I did! For goodness sakes, I am a 45 year old, college educated woman who should have *know* better.
I'll get over beating myself up for this, it's just a wee bit disconcerting when you finally realize that you've lost just about everything you gained over the past 13 years due to your own stupidity.
It's going to work out for you and Cam. You both might be on a mac and cheese diet for awhile. But I think you will both grow and become happy people.
I was going to say what Emmy already did. And I'm glad you have looked into it already.
I've been in a similar circumstance and it's amazing what you find out about yourself and even more what a person finds they are willing to do for happiness. And its worth it. But there are most certainly days where you just feel *low*.
*hugs*
You are the LEAST stupid person I can think of; I hope that is one of the things that you will finally see when you and Cam get in your new home. Which will be one helluva lot more of a home than what you are leaving.
I think this post of yours was the first time I realized just exactly how hard you are on yourself. If there was something I could say to you that would make that stop, I sure would...but there isn't. I'm pretty sure that could be another by-product of being in a new environment.
You are not doing one thing for which you should feel humiliated. Please...cut yourself a break and be proud of how far you have come.
Okay, I promise...no more "comment novels" to you today. :)
You don't realize how much life revolves around money until you don't have any, huh? I have nothing else to say that I haven't already said or hasn't been said here by others. Best wishes!
hey. the pawn shop was my best friend when I was a single mom in college. I've sold blood too. You do what you have to do and you come out stronger on the other end. You will be fine but quit beating yourself up. It doesn't do you or Cam any good.
Excellent post, Dana! I smile, knowing that I have been/am in the exact same position each month.
Blessings to you, my friend.
I agree with Karen. Where the F is your husband in helping you? No matter what ever happens between my wife and I, I would never allow her and my kids to suffer like this. He sounds like a real scumbag. Stay strong. It gets better.
we're doomed, Cam will *love* the mac & cheese diet. I prefer Ramen noodles ;)
Vixen, I just need to get on my feet. By the time January rolls around I'm sure I'll feel more comfortable with things, but right now it's just scary!
kim-d, I *am* hard on myself. I've always found it amusing when my "critics" attempted to "give it to me straight" They could never beat me up emotionally as much as I do the job myself. In this situation (abusive, unhealthy environment for Cam), I just need to make sure I don't allow it to happen again. My way of doing that might be a little out of the ordinary, but I hope it works!
NY Diva, money truly is a necessary evil!
dlk24, I know ... and I know I can do this. I did it for the first 7 years!
Sometimes Saintly Nick, it will be a juggling act, that's for sure!
Al Penwasser, but remember, Cam is not *his* kid, and he is a bit focused on himself - how things impact him - and money is his measure of success. Honestly, I wouldn't want to pay the price required to accept his $$ help. I've felt like a "kept" woman for too long.
While that is true, a human being would still do what he could to help out his family, blood or not. But, if accepting help from him isn't worth the price, you're right. Better off without it.
OK, I get that - so then why is he not offering to assist would be my question
And Mickey-T had a great point..when out of work for 20 months Matt had 2 birthdays and 2 Christmas' where he did not receive any gifts...he had to understand - though i felt like a piece of s**t
Humble sure feels like humiliating...
Totally agree. I have not had to worry about money in my marriage for the first 6 years. Then we started a buisness (which failed) and since its been nothing but watching balances. Since hub has been unemployed- 8 months last year, 3 months of a job and now unemployed again... its all on me. Its very stressful. It will all work out in the end. I have faith. (in me and in you! we can do this- if for no other reason than we have to. :)
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