TMI Tuesday | Spice it up!

Another edition from the TMI Tuesday Blog

1. Why should you have sex on a first date?

Ummmmm ... because you want too?? I cannot confirm nor deny the possibility that I may or may not have done this *several times* in a previous life, and usually? It was because I really didn't care if I ever saw the person again ... and I usually didn't see the person again ...

2. Why do you dislike giving oral sex?

Is this a trick question? I don't dislike it!

3. Tongue or no tongue? Explain.

I have a tongue! In fact I've had one all of my life and I hope to keep it until the day I die! Why do you ask?? *smirk*

4. Would you have a sugar daddy or sugar mama?

I think it may be a little late for me to have a sugar daddy, but HELL YES!!! Okay ... maybe not, unless I could have a sugar daddy that I actually liked, but I don't think that's in the job description. And he couldn't keep me a secret. And he'd need to make me feel good about myself. Fine ... let's go back to maybe not.

5. What’s a sure sign that you need to get laid?

It's been more than 24 hours 30 days? And I'm crabby. And my self-confidence plummets. And I haven't been touched for over a month. Yes, as a matter of fact I did just describe my current status.

Bonus: Right this very second, which do you prefer– to make love or fuck like a wild animal?

Another trick question? YES!!!

Sunday Secret

TMI Tuesday: Past & Present

There were three standards on this blog for years - Sunday Secrets, HNTs, and TMI Tuesdays. 

The bloggers who maintained the original TMI Tuesday blog (Stealth. Vixen, and Professor Fate - also avid HNT-ers at the time) stopped updating the original TMI Tuesday blog with questions in 2012.

I don't even remember how it happened, but the other day I stumbled upon a new (and active) TMI Tuesday blog. In the About section, it states:

"This version of TMI Tuesday began in May 2010 when a group of regular bloggers started creating their own questions after their fave TMI Tuesday blog stopped updating."

Now, I remember TMI Tuesdays being quite racey back in the day. In my limited perusing of the archives, it appears these might be more PG-13 rated questions (sorry all of you freaky people), but we'll see ...

Anyway, this week's questions are - ironically (I think?) - titled "Past and Present". So, here we go!

1. What was your favorite band in high school?

Hands down, the Commodores. In fact, they were the very first concert I ever went to!

2. What is your favorite band now?

This is tough. I don't really have a favorite band, but rather favorite Pandora stations (life has change the last 35 years). My current go-to stations on Pandora are "3 Doors Down Radio" and "Seether Radio"  

3. What was your go to “make me feel better” food in high school?

Really? I am supposed to remember my "make me feel better" food from 35 years ago?? You do realize the number of brain cells that I've killed over that time, right??

4. What is your go to “make me feel better” food now? Why?

Hmmmm ... I like eggs ... preferably in a fried egg sammich (untoasted bread, mayo, ketchup, and colby jack cheese ... egg over easy), but in a pinch, scrambled eggs with colby jack cheese will suffice. 

Why? Not sure. I do find warm foods comforting, but I'm not sure what it is about eggs that make me warm and fuzzy. 

5. Fill in the blank:  That _____ was then; this _____ is now.

No need to fill in the blanks ... "That was then, This is now" S.E. Hinton - one of my absolute favorite young adult authors growing up. It started with "The Outsiders" in 1976 (that's when I first read it). I followed up with "hat was then, This is now" and "Rumble Fish", But never read "Tex" or "Taming the Star Runner".

Bonus: Where were you and what were you doing on November 21, 2016?

*CONFESSION* I knew where I was on November 21st 2016 (Las Vegas), but what was I doing? Not a friggin' clue! So ... off to Facebook I went. I posted twice to Facebook on November 21st 2016. This post:

Funny story about this ...

I actually purchased this for Cam when we went back to Chicago in July. He loved it!!

And then there was this post:

... and I still feel that way ...

Thank Goodness!

Last year, Mike, Cam, and I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for the staff and their family members at Mike's employer's establishment . It was one of the BEST Thanksgivings I've ever had. I got to spend the day in a commercial kitchen with the two people I love most, doing what I believe Thanksgiving is all about - sharing with others.

The response we got was overwhelming and heartwarming. Everyone loved the food and many of the staff would not have had any sort of traditional Thanksgiving dinner had we not spent our day doing what we did.

*SIDE NOTE* I got EXTREMELY inebriated the night before, and about 4 hours into the meal preparation I sobered up and got one hell of a hangover. Don't try that at home kids!

This year will be different. Mike may still carry on his workplace tradition, but Cam and I will not be a part of that.

As such, I decided that I wanted to cook Thanksgiving dinner for my mom and Cam this year - in my new place - making new memories/traditions. My break-up with Mike is still very fresh and raw, and rather than wallow in my own misery (trust me, wallowing would be my preference), I've decided to use vodka distraction as a coping mechanism.

The challenge? Planning/cooking Thanksgiving dinner for three people without going overboard, and working in a VERY small kitchen.

Off to Pinterest I went. Originally I thought I'd just cook a turkey breast, but then my mom let me know she likes dark meat *surprise ... surprise* The one thing that will FUCK UP my Thanksgiving holiday is giving my mother less than what she wants. Turkey breast off the menu - plan B in effect.

Fresh green beans (not that NASTY green bean casserole) were also on my menu. Ran that one by Cam and he wrinkled his nose. When I asked him what his vegetable of choice was, I got a solid "CORN"! Green beans off the menu - plan C in effect.

Oh! And then there was dessert. Pumpkin pie? Cheesecake? Sweet potato pie? Nope! None of those were acceptable - looks like it will be apple pie.

This is what my Thanksgiving Menu looked like yesterday ...

That's clearly not going to do. Time to implement plan B ... C ... D ... oh goodness! I don't know what plan I'm on!

Today I finalized the menu. We will be having:

• Slow Cooker Turkey
• Pork Sausage Stuffing (a bit of an alteration to this recipe)
• Garlic mashed potatoes (no recipe needed for these)
• Sauteed Corn
• Creamy Garlic Mashed Potatoes
• Gravy (yes I make mine from scratch)
• Cranberry Sauce
• Lime Fluff (I have a severe aversion to Jell-O salads, but this is a family tradition. I just need to suck it up!
• Black olives (it isn't Thanksgiving if you don't have black olives stuffed on the end of each of your fingers)
• Dinner rolls (most likely these)
• And of course? Apple pie!

I'm kind of excited to be doing this. I need to create new memories/traditions. I can't do that if I don't *do* it!

The Last Three Years (Reader's Digest Condensed Version)

It hadn't occurred to me that their might be people who don't follow any of my other social media spots and have no idea what's been going on. So as not to bore those of you who have heard this story, I'll be (kind of) brief ... 

(via The Jewelry Lady - who remembers these?)

SEPTEMBER 2014 - Mike and I move to Not Podunk to be closer to his job (which was in a rapid growth mode) and ... well? To get out of Podunk!

DECEMBER 2014 - I quit my job of 6 years that was located in Podunk, accepting a position much closer to Not Podunk. It even came with a pay raise.

*Life goes on merrily for a year*

DECEMBER 2015 - My position with the new employer in Not Podunk is eliminated due to company sale/acquisition. As it turned out, within 6 months, everyone's positions were eliminated.

FEBRUARY 2016 - I accept an accounting manager position with one of the companies involved in the purchase/acquisition of my Not Podunk employer. I am a virtual employee, as are all other employees of the company. We have no brick and mortar building. Mike's career continues to soar.

APRIL 2016 - Mike's boss learns he is being transferred to Oregon. Mike and I agree that we will relocate to Oregon as well as it seems to be a great career move. My job allows me to live anywhere, so it really makes sense.

MAY 2016 - Plans change. Mike's boss is now relocating to Las Vegas for a different opportunity within the same company. Mike is able to get his transfer changed to Las Vegas as well.

JUNE 2016 - Welcome to Las Vegas!

AUGUST 2016 - Cam moves to Las Vegas due to his life falling apart in Podunk. He moves in with my mom as there are "tensions" between he and Mike and I. At the time I thought Mike was supportive of the move. I would later learn he was not.

*Timeline gets a little wonky - way too much happening*

JANUARY 2017 - Mike and I seem to be doing less and less together. His interests in Las Vegas are very different than mine. There is a major betrayal in the relationship. He starts going out after work more often than he comes home - easy to do when you live in the city that never sleeps. I start withdrawing from life, seldom leaving the house and feeling very depressed and isolated. 

FEBRUARY(?) 2017 - There is a major shakeup in leadership within the company Mike is working for. It eventually leads to Mike's Boss leaving the company. Things with Mike's employer get extremely dicey, but he manages to trudge through relatively unscathed. That said, he is not happy at work.

MAY 2017 - My relationship with Mike continues to deteriorate. I seldom see him, and he seems perfectly fine with that. There is a second betrayal in the relationship, identical to the one that happened (and I thought was resolved) in January. I give Mike an ultimatum - some things need to drastically change in order for us to renew the lease in July. Knowing what I know now, the relationship was already over at this point. I thought we had just hit a rough patch - that Mike and I would work through it - that he loved me enough.

JULY 2017 - We decide to renew the lease. Mike will only agree to a three-month extension. I didn't see that coming, although I should have. Mike was unhappy at work and at home. I had basically quit life and was miserable as well. It becomes very evident that our relationship is in BIG trouble. I am still oblivious hopeful we will work through it.

SEPTEMBER 2017 - Things with Mike and I come to an abrupt end. He tells me he's been unhappy in the relationship for 5 years (we had been together 6 years). He listed all of the reasons I was at fault - it was a long list. Obviously there will be no working on the relationship. Mike starts acting really odd.

OCTOBER 2017 - Although I know the relationship is over, I am quite worried about Mike. His behaviors (or at least what he was telling me he was doing) were disconcerting. I reached out to a few of his friends. Later, when I discovered bits and pieces of the truth, I would feel like an idiot for being concerned, however my life for the past year would begin to make sense.

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And that? That is how I ended up (and stayed) in Las Vegas.

Sunday Secret

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“A little bit of this town goes a very long way.” Hunter S. Thompson

I haven't yet decided if I love living in Las Vegas, or hate living in Las Vegas ... and I don't know if my indecision has more to do with living in a large city, or if it's actually because it is Las Vegas.

Let's start with the climate and get that one out of the way. In a nutshell, the weather in Las Vegas is ideal ... except for the three months during the summer that you can't touch your steering wheel or go outside during the day. I liken it to topsy-turvy Chicago weather. 

Love it - hate it.

If it weren't for the light on the Luxor I'd never know where I was at night

Living in a destination city is different ... really different. It's great when you have friends and family all over the country because people actually want to visit here. When I lived in Podunk, the only draw was Chick-N-Dip, and although their broasted chicken and raspberry shakes were to die for, it didn't motivate many people to make the trip. In the sixteen months I've lived here? I've seen more friends and family than I saw the previous 10 years living in the Chicago area. This is somewhere they want to visit and they will even make time to at least have dinner with me.

Love it - hate it.

Las Vegas is very much a transient city. Yes, generally large cities are transient, but Las Vegas is transient on steroids. People come here for many reasons, but the main draws seems to be living the dream that Las Vegas sells so well, or thinking all of the online poker they've been playing will make them millionaires at the casino tables. It is difficult to get to know people when they leave this city as quickly as they come to this city. That said, the diversity here is beyond anything I've ever experienced anywhere. It truly is a microcosm of the world.

Love it - hate it.

The bottom line? I have no plans to move any time soon. I've got actual family here, and both my mom and Cam are happier than a pigeon with a french fry. We'll  see what happens over time, but Las Vegas just might be my final destination, whether I love it, or hate it.

Taking care of business

One of the many things that I struggle with is self-care - putting myself first at least some of the time. This has been an ongoing issue as long as I can remember, even as a child.

If I go to that place where I over-analyze everything (I'm pretty much rooted there) I know there are many reasons this has happened:

1. I am a Cancer - a caregiver by nature
2. I grew up in a dysfunctional (alcoholic) family. As the only child, I was often tasked with taking care of not only myself, but taking care of my parents as well (they were too wrapped up in their drama to handle things like cooking dinner)
3. I was brought up to have as little impact on the world as possible - to be invisible if you will
4. Struggling with weight all of my life reinforced the need to be invisible
5. I have a child with a learning difference. I have spent the last 20 years advocating for him
6. I have always felt that my value to others was what I could do for them - that without that, I had no value.

So, there are lots of reasons I've wound up where I am, but it's not working - it has never worked. 

Time to make changes, and yesterday was a BIG day for that!

Did y'all know that Amazon has an entire Sexual Wellness Department? I had no idea until just a few days ago ... but currently? I have 29 items in my cart. What?? I'm old, not DEAD! And yes, I will need to whittle that down a bit, but I figure this is the epitome of self-care! No ... this is not in my cart, but I'm not sure y'all are ready to see what is in my cart!

And can we talk about my hair? I had let it go back to it's original color ... or non-color (grey) if you will. I just stopped caring. Hell! Mike never wanted to go out with me (even before I quit caring), and I was only leaving the house about once a week - why bother?

What I was actually doing was giving up - quitting. It permeated every part of my being. So last night? This happened.

Yeppers! I went back to RED. When life is chaotic I think it's best dealt with as a fierce redhead!

And then? If I hadn't done enough self-care for the day? I joined Planet Fitness ... well, actually Cam and I both joined Planet Fitness. 

I had already decided this was going to happen at some point. I have not been exercising since Mike and I moved to Palatine three years ago and have put on about 50 lbs - UGH! Cam has spent the last year sitting on his bed playing XBox and has probably gained about the same amount of weight. We had both decided that once we made this move, getting to a gym would be a priority.

What's really goofy about all of this is that it made me feel SO GOOD! And then I started beating myself up for not doing it sooner - for quitting life.

Yeah ... I know ... I need to work on that too ...

I'll get there!

The first two weeks in the new place ... by the numbers

(17)   Days I've had keys to the new place
(15)   Nights I've slept in the new place
(0)     Boxes left to unpack
(348) Dollars I've spent on groceries
(49)   Times I've questioned my decision to have my adult son live with me
(.5)    Anxiety attacks since moving to the new place
(22)   Anxiety attacks in the final 30 days I lived with Mike
(2)     Clocks I've hung on the walls
(0)     Pictures I've hung on the walls
(12)   Teapots on display in the kitchen

(3)   Days I have not left the new place

(3)   Days I did leave the old place in the final 30 days I lived with Mike

(4)   Times I've had to contact the property management company

(1)   Major appliances that have been replaced

(0)   Times I've been able to check my mailbox

(30) Days my mail is on hold waiting for a mailbox key

(1)   Times I went out with the internet and happened upon the wiener-mobile  

Sunday Secret

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It's been awhile

But the train wreck is back ... 

via GIPHY

So, what happened? And why am I attempting to bring this space back to life?

Well ... it all started HERE with my favorite stalker. I thought I didn't need a public place to vent - to talk about the things that made me happy and made me sad - because I had him. I also took to heart much of the criticism regarding my respect for other people's privacy when blogging - if I didn't blog, there wasn't an issue, right?

Those of you who know me know that I live most of my life as an if/then statement - if I don't do this thing, then this bad thing won't happen. It has yet to be successful for me (duh), yet I can't seem to figure out how to change it ... or if it's even changeable.

Honestly? Things might have turned out differently had I stayed active with blogging. One thing I've learned about myself (and it only took 53 years) is that there are two very different versions of me - there is the strong, independent, aloof, and confident me when I am single, and there is the dependant, needy, self-sabotaging, and insecure me when I am in a relationship. 

I can actually see how single me is attractive, not necessarily in a physical way, but in a "she's got her shit together" way. Relationship me? Not so much ...

Clearly that creates quite a problem. Someone who is attracted to single me eventually finds themselves with relationship me, and it never ends well. Although it lasted six years this time (the longest adult relationship I have ever had), this relationship was no exception, and it ended abruptly and ... well ... kind of ugly.

In hindsight *fucking hindsight* I can see this. Reflecting on the relationship, I can almost pinpoint when it happened. Sure, there were some other contributors to relationship me rearing my ugly head, primarily my insecurities regarding the 20-year age difference, always feeling like I was physically competing with women 20-years younger than me, and knowing that I could never win that rivalry, but ultimately it boiled down to knowing feeling that I am unlovable.

And that feeling of being unlovable? That is what has destroyed every single adult relationship I have had, including this one.

I've got to figure this shit out. I can't keep doing this to myself and to people I love. 

No, this blog isn't going to turn into a rehashing of all of my relationship woes, but hopefully it will be the space where I can find myself again, because I got really lost ...