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I follow Cam's school district on Twitter. Yesterday afternoon this tweet came across:
Is it bad that my first thought was, "I've got one in particular I'd like to nominate!"
I follow Cam's school district on Twitter. Yesterday afternoon this tweet came across:
We must unfortunately consider releasing teachers at Monday's Board meeting as the state considers chopping funds
Is it bad that my first thought was, "I've got one in particular I'd like to nominate!"
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I've had several people ask me if I'm OK. I always wonder how it is I am supposed to answer that inquiry. I mean, I know they are genuinely concerned, but what I want to say (and have said to at least one person) is:
No ... I'm not OK ...
My son made a threat against a school - a school that seems to be systematically attempting to accomplish an agenda that is better for them without any concern as to the well being of my son!
I want to hire an attorney but I can't afford the retainer for one and can't seem to find one who is willing to work for free.
My job is now on the line because the stress of my personal life is starting to negatively impact my job performance.
I thought I had already "lost" everything and yet now I'm finding that there is even more to lose and that no matter how hard I hold on, it continues to slip through my fingers.
And I feel like I am completely and totally alone in this. Sure, I can lean on you guys for emotional support, and I don't know where I would be without that, but at the end of the day I walk into a very empty house.
No ... I'm not OK ...
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This week has been filled with reality check moments - finally coming to grips with some of the more negative realities of my life. One of those moments came yesterday when dlk24 made he following comment on my post:
That sounds so good right now ... if I had a place to go where I would have emotional support. But the reality is that I don't. Neither my mother nor my father are emotionally balanced enough to offer emotional support. Moving near them opens the doors for an even more dysfunctional environment.
No one in my community has any interest in being there for emotional support. I've got the kid who threatened to blow up their little snowflake's middle school. They need to be protected from the evils of children like Cam, not be there for support. I'm more likely to find a bucket of tar and a bag of feathers on my doorstep than I am a "friend" in my community.
Church? Much the same way. The more issues Cam has at school, the worse his behavior becomes at church. He's been kicked out of small group the last two weeks for behavior issues. Last Wednesday he said, "I'm just a bad kid. I can't do anything right. Not at school. Not at church. It's just who I am."
So someone please tell me where that utopia of support is OK? 'Cause when I look around to all of the places it should be, I see a lot of closed doors, not open arms.
[I would] pack it in, quit my job and move me and my child to a place where I would have emotional support
That sounds so good right now ... if I had a place to go where I would have emotional support. But the reality is that I don't. Neither my mother nor my father are emotionally balanced enough to offer emotional support. Moving near them opens the doors for an even more dysfunctional environment.
No one in my community has any interest in being there for emotional support. I've got the kid who threatened to blow up their little snowflake's middle school. They need to be protected from the evils of children like Cam, not be there for support. I'm more likely to find a bucket of tar and a bag of feathers on my doorstep than I am a "friend" in my community.
Church? Much the same way. The more issues Cam has at school, the worse his behavior becomes at church. He's been kicked out of small group the last two weeks for behavior issues. Last Wednesday he said, "I'm just a bad kid. I can't do anything right. Not at school. Not at church. It's just who I am."
So someone please tell me where that utopia of support is OK? 'Cause when I look around to all of the places it should be, I see a lot of closed doors, not open arms.
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This week's favorite Dana Does Digital photos ...
NOTE: I have disabled any further comments on this post.
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44 comments:
I am so sorry. You are much stronger than me. Instead of angry, I'd be scared shitless.
Just be careful with your job. If you lose your income and insurance, things are only going to get worse.
I'm glad you wrote what you wrote. More people should say, "NO, I'm not okay." I mean why not. It helps a little bit. The thing is...
When others ask that question they don't want to hear it. Well, folks then don't ask it. Jeez....
Sorry for the brief rant. But you touched on something that has always bugged me.
And, I'm glad to see that you let it out as well.
You always have a place here should you need it (and Schmoop feels the same) however with one bed and a tiny couch I don't know where the four of us would sleep.
Cheers Dana!!
Dana, I wish I had the magical words to make this all better but I do agree with Matt-Man. More people should say "No I'm not ok". I have had a lot of those moments but have held back because I am sure the person who asked me doesn't really want to here what I have to say.
I hope things get better for you. Cam seems like a great kid who has a loving mom who just wants what's best for him. I've seen kids with Spectrum Disorders whose parents just give up on them. He is one lucky boy!
{{HUGS}}
Sweetie, my son was that boy too. He took his ADHD meds to school in 5th grade, and passed them out to other students who in turn TOOK them. He told the other students they were exstasy. (Or however it's pronounced).
Wanna talk about parents ready to chop him and me off at the knees? Your son threatened to blow up the school, mine got a charge for distribution of narcotics at the age of 10? He was kicked out of school for a solid 180 school days...NOT days of the year, SCHOOL days...so a solid year of school. And then of course at that age the state mandates children go to school. I had to do all kinds of songs and dances to home school the child while trying to hold down a job. It was something awful. I've honestly had a long, long road with that one. We did move. It got a little better in a small town, but he still made a name for us and himself.
I'm so sorry sweetie. I'd stand by you. I know. I get difficult kids. BTDT, and still recovering from the post-traumatic stress of it all. My boy is 18 now, so it's better for me, but trust me when I say I feel or have felt that agony and pain. (HUGS)
Dana...Nancy and I would open our doors to you and Cam without a thought.
Though I am not sure that is doable for you...work down here is not great.
I also laugh when people ask how I am doing, because things ain't all rosy here either. But I stop myself from giving them even the shortened version of overdue bills, no help in sight litany.
I, too, am one of those people who wishes folks that don't wanna hear the truth just wouldn't ask.
The only way I know to help is to tell you to say, "No, I'm not." Because you will run across a few souls that will offer to help instead of run. And you don't want the runners in your life anyway.
I wish I knew words that would help with Cam. I've been amazed by the wonderful mother that you are for years. I know you'll figure it out. Of all the people that I know, YOU are the one I'd want on my side if I were in Cam's shoes.
The ACLU will help you.They believe in what's right is right.My friend Irv and I got into trouble for publishing a paper called The Truth.It was done in the '60s We both caught a lot of flack and he caught the worse end of it.His Dad ended up calling the ACLU for help.
Karen, trust me, scared shitless figures in there as well.
Matt-Man, what's funny is that the person who asked - who I know really is concerned about my well being - did so via email. I typed - deleted - and retyped my response at least a dozen times and then just said "screw it" and hit send. I couldn't make it sound less angry.
Another Ordinary Girl, forget magic words, do you have a supplier of bulk, magical fairy dust?
Dana, my heart goes out to you. I know the ex is an ass but what has he had to say about all of this? Does he take an active roll in Cam's education? What if just the 2 of you got away for a day to talk and calm him down? Maybe a hike in the wilderness? I know it helps me to disconnect and reboot. I feel for Cam because he probably thinks the world is against him now. You are doing a fantastic job. I know it doesn't feel like it but you are fighting a good fight.
In this situation, I don't have advice. But if you move to Missouri, let me know...and I'll hook you up with a ton of resources. I know this sounds crazy, but maybe call special services at your school department's Central Office and ask for resources. I am sure...well, I hope...that the whole district isn't terrible, just this school. Or maybe contact the process coordinator of special education at the high school? I'm sorry I can't be mroe help.
Marsha, I think being ostracized from the community - the parents who give me "that look" - has been one of the more difficult things in all of this. In a town of 3500, everyone is well aware of what is going on. And we won't be able to leave this behind - the educational records will stay with Cam and SCREAM "I am a problem!"
Bond, I think there is some self-imposed blogger pressure too. I've had comment after comment about how "strong" I am when in reality all I Want to do is crawl into the fetal position and cry. I don't like publishing posts like this one. I prefer to be a glass-half-full, silver lining kind of person but damn! There are just those times ...
Real Live Lesbian, I think part of the problem is that I get no validation from Cam on this, which is pretty darn normal for a 14 year old. I work and w3ork and work. I do research for hours on end. I send emails and make phone calls on his behalf and he does what all 14 year olds do - asks if we have any more mac & cheese.
Mike Golch, I never even considered the ACLU but after doing a bit of research, it looks like they might be able to help. Thanks!
Little T, my ex is not Cam's father and has all but washed his hands on Cam's education. This is actually because I asked him to stay out of it - his input (negative) was doing more harm than good. He, too, was operating from the perspective that this was all within Cam's control.
Gina, for the first time in a long time I am considering moving out of this state and looking - specifically - at what other states have to offer educationally. I think I'm fighting a losing battle here in IL.
Come here to WV. It's beautiful, the cost of living is low, we have some great resources. It's such a small community here - we know a lot of people. People with connections. Jobs are plentiful, housing is available and affordable (seriously, you can own a nice 3 br home for about $500/mo). I wish I could help more!!
Oddly enough, I was going to recommend the ACLU too. They might be a pretty radical organization in many ways, but they do defend people who are in need it. Also, you might check with any Autism organizations in Illinois. They might provide legal counseling. And, have you contacted anyone at legal aid? Not sure if this is an area they deal with, but they might be able to recommend someone to you.
Hang in there babe. ;-)
I know Wentzville is so far away from you but I guarantee you won't be disappointed. Look into it, at least...please?
Awww, Dana. I agree 100% with Matt-Man and any of the other commenters who said that "no, I'm not okay" is the best and ONLY response right now. And if there is anybody who doesn't really want to hear it, they can go!
Richfield, MN is an awesome place to live. Pack up you and Cam and come here. I have grandkids his age, we have an incredible, inclusive, INCREDIBLE school system, diversity, and a church...in fact, many churches...that would love to have you and Cam. It's not a huge city, but it's not a small town either. I have a house that contains only me, two kitties, and a bunch of junk that needs to be tossed.
I don't know how to say this carefully, so I'm just going to come out with it; I trust and KNOW that you will understand my intent. Here goes. Even with my limited knowledge, I really think it would help Cam a lot to be around people who look like him. Positive, encouraging people that he could just BE with. It doesn't sound like there are people in your community for Cam to relate to at all, nor do they relate to him. You and I both know how hard it is at 14, even under the best of circumstances, to feel like you don't fit in and you're "the only one." My heart breaks that Cam thinks he is "a bad kid." And my heart breaks for you because you are doing everything you can for him...but with such limited resources in your tiny town. I'm not knocking small towns or anything like that, but sometimes a change in location can make a huge difference.
And as long as I'm being "mouthy" I may as well just go ahead and say...I just totally disagree that you and your (ex?) husband should get away together alone to discuss the situation. Oh my! Please, no! I know you don't need me to tell you this, but I just cringed when I read that idea!
I feel really alone sometimes, too...but I only have myself to worry about. I just hope that, no matter what, you are secure in knowing that you are always doing your best for Cam.
Time for a reality check. Write a list, the pluses and minuses in your life, and confront them. I've watched you run, ignore what was really going on for a couple of years.. now that you are out of options, it's time to get real to actually where you're at, and how to get out of it.You can do it, but not by looking for others to sympathize, and be enabling you to postpone what needs be done. You are not stupid, and you will figure a way out. Prioritize, ask for help from people that can and will help, and listen instead of talk.
Love,
Your Dutch Uncle Buff
I'm so sorry Dana. Hectic week and I've been away, just now playing catch up.
I think it's very healthy and GOOD to admit that you are NOT okay. Everyone seems to think the best thing to do is plaster a fake smile, while nodding that you are totally ok....when you aren't.
*hugs*
Wish I had some knowledge of resources to help, but it seems like others have shared some good ideas. Hang in there.
Evil Twin's Wife, Maryland is actually on my short list. They have amazing resources for kids on the spectrum and always rate in the top 5 states for best schools. At least then I could visit!
Jay, I can't believe that *I* am going to contact the ACLU, but it really does look like it might be a good fit. If nothing else, it would scare the hell out of the school district!
Gina, it's closer than WV :)
kim-d, having spent 7 years in MN (Woodbury and St. Paul) I'm actually quite familiar with Richfield. I do have a bit of a support network left in MN and also have that on my short list. They did such a wonderful job with Cam when he was first diagnosed.
And don't feel bad about the "looking like Cam" comment - it's always in the back of my head. He doesn't fit in here in so many ways and that is yet one more issue.
buffalodick, hmmm ... I think I've really been facing the issues the past 6 months and made significant progress in the right direction. Cam's issues with school haven't been ignored by me, but rather by a school that is failing him. And honestly, I'm not looking for sympathy - I'm looking for ideas and venting. I am well aware that I do not have all of the answers yet there is a wealth of knowledge that stops by here on a daily basis. Tapping into that knowledge is a huge benefit to me.
Vixen, you lucky duck! I wan to be on jury duty! I'm just kind of surprised people would ask if I'm OK. I mean really? OK?? How could I possibly be OK?
Maggie, hanging ...
When I read your post yesterday I wanted to comment but I didn't know how to say what I wanted to say w/o putting you on the defense. When I read this post today, I still may not have the right way to say it, but I am going to say it anyways and hope that you can understand where I am coming from. Remember, I have always been on Cam's side, wanting the best for him, wanting and waiting for you to do what was/is the best for him, wanting you to get him away from that asshole stepfather. With that being said, this time Cam crossed the line, it is completely unacceptable for him to have said the things that he said regardless of whether the evaluation shows that he was a real threat or not. He knows it was wrong, he knows he crossed the line and he should have consequences for it. I don't have the answers for you but I can tell you that I hear you blaming the school for not being there for him, blaming the teacher for not handling it the best way, blaming the town for talking about him, blaming the church for whatever it is that you think they have also failed to do for him, then of course you have the throw in the X cuz well, you just have to. I hear from you that Cam is the victim, I think there is a very real other side in this and I don't think it's him in the victim role. The school has to take this seriously. Cam did something really wrong and he sees you trying to bail him out again. He knows that you have his back and while that is a great thing for a child to know I also believe when the child is wrong he doesn't need a mom or parent that has his back, he needs a mom that is going to stand up to him and say you were wrong and these are the consequences of your poor choices. He is making some seriously bad decisions this past year and this is only junior high. I really think you have got to get a handle on it or there is no way he will make it through high school. I have not said the things I have said to be mean or to stir the pot, I have said them because I think that sometimes you are so set on running to his defense that you are not always looking at the entire picture. You know that if this had been some other child you would have insisted on the school protecting your son and the rest of the campus too. Take your other issues with the school and set them aside, I think you would have to admit it...As for the rest of this and how you are feeling, I hate that you do not have a supportive family or friends that you can lean on. I can not imagine what a lonely feeling that must be. My support comes from my family, my friends and my faith. If you don't have those I don't know how you make it, it must be a very lonely feeling...I hope you find some answers and peace.
snugs, I wasn't even going to respond to your comment because I swear you never read an entire post - specifically:
I don't want this to sound like I am absolving Cam of any responsibility for what happened. Cam chose the words (something along the lines of "If I had guns and detonation packs, this school would be gone") and the words were completely unacceptable. Thinking them is one thing - professing them to a class full of 8th graders is beyond unacceptable.
... and ...
I was not at all resistant to the requirement for the "risk of harm" assessment because, like you, I would be EXTREMELY concerned if a child in Cam's school said what Cam said. I do not take his words lightly. I will not excuse his behavior. He was wrong.
Both direct quotes from my post and comments. So ... tell me again you aren't trying to stir the pot.
Didn't you say that your school did NOT make AYP last year? According to No Child Left Behind, aren't they required to allow you to change to a school which has not failed? I'm quoting this website here:
"NCLB says Title 1 schools are supposed to make arrangements for kids to attend schools that are passing. Passing schools are those making their Adequate Yearly Progress (AYP) goals. This requirement still applies even if it means transferring to a school in a different district. NCLB says that all children in a failing school can choose to go to a non-failing school. If there is no other passing school in your district, you may choose a school in another district.
I'm not sure if this is an option after one year of failing to meet AYP or if it doesn't kick in until after 2 years of failing to meet AYP. Might be something to look into...just another thought Dana.
Sedorah, last year was the first year the school did not make AYP. School choice kicks in after the second year which is why there was such pressure on the kids this year.
doggybloggy, in the wise words of Bartles & Jaymes, "... and thank you for your support!"
Ahhh, then the combo of the pressure to meet AYP also contributed to the school environment and did not help the situation at all.
I hope that you and the school can do what is best for Cam - I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I deleted my comment for a reason - but you responded anyway - you dont really want support - you want sympathy and since I cant offer that I chose to walk away.
Sedorah, there is a *ton* of pressure on the school staff and administrators to perform well on ISATs this year and yes, I imagine that stress just compounded the issues for everyone.
doggybloggy, honesty is the best policy - you WROTE, PUBLISHED and then deleted your comment for a reason and it had nothing to do with walking away.
as usual you missed the point which is again of no suprise....
snugs, oh no ... I didn't miss the point - but you and doggy missed the mark *grin*
I can only imagine how annoyed everyone is with you - good luck. It really doesnt matter if I "get it" or not - whether I am "on the mark" or off - it matters if you do.
yeah right, so we missed the mark? I don't know Dana, you seem to have all the quick little responses and you think you know exactly what we (me and doggy) are saying wrong..I guess because the rest of your life is so completely out of control that makes you feel like you have at least a little power or control over something so I will let you have that. But when you are ready to be honest and stop blaming everyone else for your lot in life,and to stop blaming everyone else for Cam's situation, maybe then you will get the point I was trying to make. And for Cam's sake, I really hope that happens before it's too late, because the path he is on now.. well it looks like he has gotten on that train(wreck) just like his momma rode for so long hasn't he?
doggybloggy & snugs, I really appreciate your efforts to save Cam, but obviously you are far brighter - far more together - and have a complete understanding of my life than I can never hope to master, so give up now, m-kay??
*sweeps the trolls back under the bridge*
trolls - so funny - you learn a few terms and it makes you an expert - arent trolls anonymous and off topic? this is what wikipedia has to say bout trolls - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Troll_%28Internet%29
Here is my original comment that I earlier chose not to post but you decided to attack me anyway -
You dismiss anything and anyone that doesnt give you sympathy - go back and read your responses you absolutely talk your way out of or around everything. Your eloquence has not helped you so far so why do you continue to rely on it? People reach out to you but you accuse them of not knowing enough - or you find some way to pick apart their response in some attempt to belittle them. It is hard to believe that EVERYONE is wrong and you are the ONLY one that is right. You have probably annoyed your church, your community and your school, and you have probably disrespected the faculty and their positions because "you know it all." You have some SERIOUS issues to deal with here and you need to open your eyes and deal with them without acting like the victim - ever thought that the school and the other students are the victims here as well - zero tolerance is just that -ZERO tolerance - I am surprised they are letting him back at school at all because trust me if that happened around here you would have to move - you would be unwelcome, probably investigated and more than likely detained until the investigation is completed, so in one respect you are lucky you got off so easy. I have every reason to believe that this was NOT an idle threat - you have a pressure cooker on your hands and it will explode - its only a matter of time. Time to stop defending and start disciplining.
*Reaches for a bigger broom ... and a pitchfork*
If CAm is on a 504 then the Civil Rights Commission will investigate and file suit on your behalf. I don't know if they will do that for a child on an IEP. The Civil Rights Commission enforces the Americans With Disabilities Act and that is what the 504 falls under.
you need to post the question to the email list I referred you to as there are some amazing educators on their and know about schools that might be a good fit.
I don't know Dana......it sure is always someone else's fault.
Just saying.
You can move to southwest Louisiana. It's super cheap to live (our house is 2400 sf and cost $95000). It's a true community that helps each other out. When our house burned down they helped with so much.
dlk24, he's not on a 504, but that is the direction I hope to go once the neuropsych eval is complete.
Micky-T, I really don't get your comment because it so removed from the way I feel.
There is "fault" in this situation on many levels.
I am at "fault" for ignoring Cam's diagnosed disability, hoping it really was just that I was a crappy parent. I am at "fault" for not getting him the help and interventions he would have benefited from when he was first diagnosed.
Cam is at "fault" (in this particular situation) for choosing words that were threatening to the school.
Husband is at "fault" for believing he could beat and belittle Cam's disability out of him.
The school is at "fault" for ignoring Cam's diagnosis and IEP.
Trust me, there is plenty of "fault" to go around and it doesn't lay on any one person's shoulders, but maybe my writing doesn't communicate that very well to some people.
J, community is a wonderful thing!
Dana:
Does your company have more than 50 employees in a 75 mile radius? Then get a doctor's note and get your time as intermittent FMLA leave. This is protected leave and if you are getting Cam medically evaluated due to his health condition causing problems at school, then it is a medical condition and not a school issue. Then if your company does anything to you, you can sue their butts.
I would love to recommend Mass. It is a pretty progressive state. However it is not the cheapest place to live, but in my professional opinion a good accountant is welcome anywhere.
Micky and Buff are trying to tell you the same things that Doggy and I do, funny how we get the brooms and pitch forks and they get the oh I am confused with your comment. What don't you get Dana? You say to Buff that you haven't been ignoring his needs, now you say to Micky that you did ignore his needs/diagnosis, I am the one confused now. What the people that have enough balls to speak out rather than just say oh poor Dana are trying to say is stop blaming others for every little thing that happens or goes wrong in your lives and take responsibility. For me responsibility would be a little tough love and kick in the butt and show Cam who is the adult. You have not spoken a word about what consequences you gave him. Whatever the school has failed to do in your eyes is besides the point. He needs to know that when he makes poor choices he is going to have punishment and loss of privledges. He needs to know that your job being in danger because you have to take off and babysit him is serious. Instead it looks to me like you think the school suspension is sufficient. Discipline begins at home, when you reach the point when the school has to step in to discipline your child you are in pretty bad shape. It is time to stop babying him and give him some tough love, stop leaning on the IEP as a crutch or free pass for bad behavior and teach him their are severe consequences for the choices he is making. You chose to keep him in an abusive enviroment for way too long, now you need to choose to do something to repair all the harm it did to his self esteem. You owe Cam a fighting chance at being a decent member of society instead of going around with this attitude of entitlement & victim.
snugs, you really need to get your own blog instead of attempting to monopolize mine. Seriously ..
Here's the deal. I can address your issues in a calm and logical fashion, but it won't matter. You (and probably doggy as well) are so convinced that you know me better than I know myself, that anything I say will be deemed by the both of you as blaming someone else.
Take that last sentence for example - if you are coming from a position that you know me and my situation better than I do, my claiming that is not the case becomes blaming you. It's a waste of breath.
Micky and Buff get a different response from me because they approach the situation in a less accusatory and arrogant manner. You get back what you give.
stop blaming others for every little thing that happens
This is the core of what I don't get. How is laying responsibility on several people - including Cam and me - blaming others for every little thing that happens? It's not. Plain and simple. Blame is seldom held by only a single person in any given situation.
For me responsibility would be a little tough love and kick in the butt and show Cam who is the adult. You have not spoken a word about what consequences you gave him.
I have not spoken a word of it yet your assumption is that there was none? Or maybe that I should be more like husband and attempt to beat his disability out of him? Again, that makes no sense. There have been - and continue to be - consequences at home. I have the option of sharing, or not sharing those with my readers. In this case, I chose not to. It is completely unreasonable for you to deduce that means there were none.
Discipline begins at home, when you reach the point when the school has to step in to discipline your child you are in pretty bad shape.
Again, your assumption is that there is no discipline in the home. To assume that there is no discipline in the home just because it isn't mentioned in a blog post is short-sighted.
If I follow your logic, you've never mentioned in a comment that you flush your toilet, so I guess that means you don't.
stop leaning on the IEP as a crutch or free pass for bad behavior and teach him their are severe consequences for the choices he is making.
Cam is responsible for every one of his actions, however he also has a very real, diagnosed neurological disability that impacts his behavior, his reaction to stimuli, his impulse control, etc. His disability was not manufactured by my parenting - it was there from the day he was born.
In order for you to acknowledge that might be the case, you would have to admit that maybe - just maybe - your assumptions about me and the way I parent might be wrong. We both know that isn't going to happen. Your mind is made up. You are right and I am wrong. This is why I can only assume your continued visits to this blog are malicious.
You chose to keep him in an abusive environment for way too long, now you need to choose to do something to repair all the harm it did to his self esteem.
Which is what I'm doing. Again, it's unfair to assume that I am doing nothing other than allowing him to unravel just because I don't lay out the details on this blog. He is under medical care for his disability. He has continued with counseling for over two years. I am becoming involved with support groups of parents who have kids with the same disability. I am working on more effective parenting techniques.
But, it's more fun for you to come here and mouth off about what a terrible person I am. Guess what? My self esteem has improved immensely since I left husband. Your tactics are much like his and they don't have the impact they once did.
I'm guessing you'll need to respond to this. Go ahead, but know that I won't respond - at least not in a comment.
My blog. My rules.
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