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It happens occasionally more often than I'd like to admit. Usually I can see it coming - the slow train that I have time to prepare for rather than the express that just plows through.
Like so many other things in my life, I have a love-hate relationship with the internet. I've met some great people through blogging, twitter and facebook. I've also run into my fair share of assholes. *shrugs* It's no different than "real" life.
Sometimes, I get a little caught up in the negative. I know ... I know ... some of you are just shaking your head in disbelief (while snickering under your breath). I take what I read far too personally when it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I start feeling envy (of friendships, opportunities and activities), bitterness (how can those people be so popular when they can't write and are complete morons?) and jealousy (I wish they liked me as much as they like [fill in the blank]). I internalize it. It's self destructive and idiotic ... and I know it ... which only makes it worse.
I was starting to fall into the trap - finding myself more snarky and less fun on twitter and when leaving comments on blogs - unable to pull my firmly planted head out of my ass for just a few minutes and act more civilized and less selfish.
Stupid things started to really bother me; how many followers Ihad lost, how many comments I was getting on posts, what my site stats looked like. I noticed that people I would try to engage in conversation wouldn't respond, and when I reached out I was rejected ... and I made it all about me.
I am competitive by nature, but competitive in ways that people should really never compete in. I compete for attention. I compete for friendships. I compete for love. Unfortunately, there is always someone else who gets more attention, has better friendships or is more loved. I compete in relationships - a competition I will never win - yet I clearly find some vindication in doing so or I would stop.
I know that my nonsense isn't "right," but that doesn't magically give me the skills to fix it. I'm sure it isn't the best coping mechanism, but I usually find a nice, dark place todrink myself into oblivion hide for a while. I drop interactive internet usage "cold turkey" and gather my thoughts, knowing that when I come out from under my rock, I'll be a bit more grounded in reality.
Yeah ... I know ... I never claimed to be normal ...
It happens Like so many other things in my life, I have a love-hate relationship with the internet. I've met some great people through blogging, twitter and facebook. I've also run into my fair share of assholes. *shrugs* It's no different than "real" life.
Sometimes, I get a little caught up in the negative. I know ... I know ... some of you are just shaking your head in disbelief (while snickering under your breath). I take what I read far too personally when it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I start feeling envy (of friendships, opportunities and activities), bitterness (how can those people be so popular when they can't write and are complete morons?) and jealousy (I wish they liked me as much as they like [fill in the blank]). I internalize it. It's self destructive and idiotic ... and I know it ... which only makes it worse.
I was starting to fall into the trap - finding myself more snarky and less fun on twitter and when leaving comments on blogs - unable to pull my firmly planted head out of my ass for just a few minutes and act more civilized and less selfish.
Stupid things started to really bother me; how many followers I
I am competitive by nature, but competitive in ways that people should really never compete in. I compete for attention. I compete for friendships. I compete for love. Unfortunately, there is always someone else who gets more attention, has better friendships or is more loved. I compete in relationships - a competition I will never win - yet I clearly find some vindication in doing so or I would stop.
I know that my nonsense isn't "right," but that doesn't magically give me the skills to fix it. I'm sure it isn't the best coping mechanism, but I usually find a nice, dark place to
Yeah ... I know ... I never claimed to be normal ...
~*~*~
24 comments:
What is "normal"......it is different for every one, seeing your faults and trying to correct them is far more important than trying to define "normal".
Im one of those who "can't write and (is a)complete moron" but I consider you my friend and I was concerned that you were gone... Just say F- the haters. I think you usually have.
BTW - you are tied for 7th in the NCAA pool... You are beating Me, Jay, Matt-Man, Karen, Aunt Becky, and a whole host of others... but am afraid to say that Kimmeh is leading.
I'm with Granny Nanny. What is normal? I think feeling rejection is a terrible feeling. What you need to remember is that when someone rejects you, it is their loss. I have to take breaks from the Internet too. And I do, frequently! lol! Unfortunately, it's hard to know someones true feelings in a text, comment on a blog post, etc. It's better when communication is done face to face. Just stay true to who you are and don't worry about any haters. Only worry about the people who love you and accept you for who you are. God bless! :-)
I am a faithful reader of your blog and maybe it's not fair that you don't know that.... I doubt I've ever noted you. I had to check my Secret List of Passwords and Log-In Names to remember my ID on this site so I could post this message. I don't write a journal or blog so I guess I think that means I'm not entitled to leave notes either. I just want you to know you probably have a lot of readers like me. I truly admire your strength, determination, and wit. I never miss your entries. I know you've been going through a really rough time but I hope (selfishly, probably) you'll be back writing soon.
Granny Nanny, it's getting to the "trying to correct them" part that seems to be my greatest challenge. I'm quite adept at identifying my faults :)
Doc, it's a lot easier to say "F- the haters" when you aren't one of those haters. I was starting to be what I despise in others. Not a good thing!
Kat, a good friend of mine has a sign posted prominently in her living room that says, "Normal is just a setting on the washing machine" I think that about sums it up!
Northwest Nance, entitled to leave a comment? You silly goose! I know I've complained about those without a blog who spend time here being critical, but I really don't judge the value of people based on whether they blog or not.
I am glad you are back. I really didn't realize that you felt that competitive side to blogging. It is sort of like high school to certain extent. Who is popular? Who is cool? What clique do you fit in? All I can say is that I consider you a friend and I am glad you are out of your funk.
I can certainly relate...but I have found that a lot of those morons who can't write and have hundreds of followers often get them through giveaways, etc. Ugh.
Karen, Ohhh yes, I do get that competitive blogging thing going on occasion and absolutely hate it when I do. It's just plain silliness. What's even goofier is that it is often set off by something COMPLETELY unrelated to me. Why yes, I do need to get over myself.
Gina, I have to stay completely away from even considering where my "shortcomings" are in comparison to other bloggers or I can easily get sucked in to the "dark side" :)
It's always the give-aways. Seriously. That's why.
Back in the swing? You mean the swinging lifestyle? Oh yeah, that'll get you a lot of hits! You know, even blog comments are searchable so just my saying "swinging lifestyle" will probably get a couple of hits for ya. No, no. No need to thank me. I'm just thoughtful and helpful like that. ;-)
I think a lot of people have the same feelings that you do about this stuff. Many of them wouldn't admit it though.
I take the cake (a winner?) for not being able to write, but I think, and interpret as good as anyone, I just might not be able to put in words. You sound so normal when you trash yourself in front of everybody here on the tubes and you know we all go through the same self shit every once and awhile. Dana, what we do without you as our Drama Queen? We got bumbling idiots, music masters, 12 year old adults, smarty pants, mommy bloggers, etc., etc.,and all kinds of attention grabbers, who grab it in their own way. I think it's why we're all here.(me, me) We may have all had different reasons for coming here but we're all the same except for how much of who we are deep inside that we let out.
OK I'm babbling now, but that's who I am! (I just babbled for five more lines or so but backspaced it out)
Come On!!! We're all Bozo's on this bus!
ah come on sweetie...we all go through those things. hell, i lost someone i thought was a good friend recently and to this day i am confused by it...
i missed you these last 2 weeks..and had hoped we would hook up during my time in chicago.
i have said it before, but you were one person i really had hoped would be with us last september
hugs and welcome back
You know I'm a huge Dana fan! Take a deep breath and realize how many people's lives you've touched in a positive manner. You make me think about issues, and I think that's awesome. Keep up the great work!
Welcome back!
Jay's correct. Who doesn't feel that way from time to time? No One, unless they're lying or hiding it. And, if you ARE going to drink yourself into oblivion, you know what I recommend. Cheers Dana!!
I think that for many people comments are down as many people are masking the time they spend on blogs by reading them through google readers or on their phones.
I am glad to see you out and about on the internet more. I enjoy your point of view.
I don't think I can add anything that hasn't already been said here. See, that's my problem. Very rarely am I in the first 5 to post, so many others take what thoughts I have and express them....where does that leave me? As a lurker.
Does this mean I don't read your blog? Does this mean I don't contemplate what you write when similar crap happens to me during the course of my day? Of course not.
I have felt much of what you feel. Then I learned to blog for the quality of what comes out of me and not the quantity of anything. If I need to post 3 times a day, I do it. If I need to go a week without posting, that's OK too.
I think that you may not have the most in quantity of people who comment and readers here but the quality of the comments posted are, bar none, the best on the net.
You keep it real Dana! No bullshit! That makes for good blogging.
A good hot steamy lesbian sex post is always good for a boost in the numbers! lol
Sadly, I don't have enough of those.
I'm glad you're back. I've been poppin' by and poppin' by hoping to see you "back in the swing!"
I missed you!
Aunt Becky, especially when it comes to those damn mommy bloggers *snicker*
Jay, I looked for a picture of a sex swing for this post but couldn't find one that was unoccupied - and I figured it questioned truth in advertising so went with a tire swing instead.
Micky-T, I think that's part of the problem too Mickey, I really don't want to be the drama queen any more ... and then what will I blog about??
Bond, honestly? Part of the reason we didn't hook up in Chicago was my own selfishness and thinking you'd enjoy your time with "the others" far more if I wasn't there. I felt like the 3rd (or in this case the 5th) wheel. And yes, I realize how convoluted that thought process is, but it is where I was.
Evil Twin's Wife, I think I just need to back of the competitive trail and start having fun again.
Maggie, thanks!
Matt-Man, I've discovered that cheap liquor gets you every bit as drunk as the "good" stuff and if you drink it fast enough, you don't even realize how bad it tastes!
Another Suburban Mom, I don't even want to justify why they are down. Nope! I just want to enjoy doing what I do without concern as to who else might be enjoying it.
Joker_SATX, I do have some of the best readers anywhere - that I know!
I can relate. It's kind of why I quit my blog. For now anyway. I need the interaction (feedback and comments).
Everyone needs a few mental health days. Take care of you and don't worry about everyone else. That is a huge first step.
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