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While I've been gone, I've been keeping a journal of sorts. Little notes to remind me of the sequence of events - of my feelings when it became apparent Cam's life was spiraling out of control and there was very little I had done to prevent that from happening.
I decided to share this story, even though I am extremely embarrassed and ashamed. No, not embarrassed and ashamed with Cam's behavior (his behavior disappointed me), but embarrassed and ashamed that *I* allowed things to get this bad before addressing them. I am well aware of the number of times I turned my head when I should have spoken up, the number of times I should have spoken louder with actions rather than just giving out stern words, the number of times I just chalked things up to "normal teen stuff" when I should have been digging deeper.
I am fairly certain that much of this is due to "normal" teen hormonal crap, but in our situation, this has been impacted by "blended family" issues and having a deceased biological father and a disinterested (at best) step-father. Then there are the environmental issues of living where he is one of only 2 "brown" kids.
Last weekend, I became aware of several things - pot (found in the washing machine after washing Cam's clothes) - that it's likely someone has either been coming into our house through the basement egress window, or Cam has been going out of the house through the basement egress window - and that Cam has befriended a couple of kids who are really, REALLY bad news.
Sunday was a busy day. By the time I went to bed, the following checks were in place:
(1) I contacted the parent of one of the other boys involved in this mess (a 13 year old who Cam has been friends with for about 2 years). I left her a voice mail asking her to call me back so that we could discuss what was going on with the boys.
(2) I installed real time GPS locating on Cam's phone.
(3) I installed a keyed entry lock on the basement door making it completely inaccessible to Cam.
Sunday night my greatest concern was keeping Cam in the house until morning. He was more upset than I have ever seen him. He was lashing out verbally and threatening to leave. It was all I could do to remain calm and remind him that his actions were responsible for the tighter boundaries. This had little to do with me and much to do with him.
We managed to make it through the night, however Monday would bring a new set of challenges. School wasn't due to start for another week and there was no way I could take the financial hit of missing more work.
I decided to share this story, even though I am extremely embarrassed and ashamed. No, not embarrassed and ashamed with Cam's behavior (his behavior disappointed me), but embarrassed and ashamed that *I* allowed things to get this bad before addressing them. I am well aware of the number of times I turned my head when I should have spoken up, the number of times I should have spoken louder with actions rather than just giving out stern words, the number of times I just chalked things up to "normal teen stuff" when I should have been digging deeper.
I am fairly certain that much of this is due to "normal" teen hormonal crap, but in our situation, this has been impacted by "blended family" issues and having a deceased biological father and a disinterested (at best) step-father. Then there are the environmental issues of living where he is one of only 2 "brown" kids.
Last weekend, I became aware of several things - pot (found in the washing machine after washing Cam's clothes) - that it's likely someone has either been coming into our house through the basement egress window, or Cam has been going out of the house through the basement egress window - and that Cam has befriended a couple of kids who are really, REALLY bad news.
Sunday was a busy day. By the time I went to bed, the following checks were in place:
(1) I contacted the parent of one of the other boys involved in this mess (a 13 year old who Cam has been friends with for about 2 years). I left her a voice mail asking her to call me back so that we could discuss what was going on with the boys.
(2) I installed real time GPS locating on Cam's phone.
(3) I installed a keyed entry lock on the basement door making it completely inaccessible to Cam.
Sunday night my greatest concern was keeping Cam in the house until morning. He was more upset than I have ever seen him. He was lashing out verbally and threatening to leave. It was all I could do to remain calm and remind him that his actions were responsible for the tighter boundaries. This had little to do with me and much to do with him.
We managed to make it through the night, however Monday would bring a new set of challenges. School wasn't due to start for another week and there was no way I could take the financial hit of missing more work.
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31 comments:
I wish had a few words that might be helpful but I got nothing other than I hope things turn around quickly. Cheers Dana!!
Here's hoping everything works out smoothly....
Hugs
It is so very hard, and emotionally draining. As the mother of two boys, both who have been in trouble, and one almost dying, I grieve for the pain you are surely in.
Hey, it's a given that most kids will get in trouble no matter what parents do. The teen years were horrible when I was one back in the stone age, and everything seems much worse with teens these days.
Hang in there, girl. Hopefully, if you can catch him now, you'll avoid much bigger issues down the road.
I never had to call the police on Matt, but his mother has since I moved away. He was drunk and out of control.
I do know that stopping it before it is totally out of control is the only way to handle it. You might have saved him from physical harm.
So sorry this is happening to you...
I think you're taking proper pre-emptive measures that will help in the long run.
If it helps, I was a wild, wild child and eventually grew out of it. Caused my parents much grief, I know. But, I turned out ok. :-) (I think....)
Matt-Man, I'm thinking RUN! might be a good word!
Real Live Lesbian, the story gets a bit more bumpy through the week, but now that school has started there is less idle time.
Bina, emotionally AND physically draining - more on that later.
Dana:
Hindsight is ALWAYS 20/20, and as parents who actually CARE, it really tends to eat at us why we didn't see the small things that are so obvious later on.
Here's hoping that you keep up with the "good fight" and don't let depression or someone else force you into a decision that could potentially cause problems further down the road.
Lola, I think what surprised me most about all of this was the extent of the issues and the age of onset. 13 just seems so young. Seems the D.A.R.E. program isn't working quite as well as people might want to believe.
Bond, his age is what bothers me most, but also what offers the most hope in this situation.
Evil Twin's Wife, ohhh ... you haven't heard the least of it - this was just the beginning!
I am sorry you are going through this...Just another thing to add to the pile.
Does he realize that this is illegal? Or does he think he will get off with just a slap on the wrist?
Hey, the important thing is you caught it...and now you can take steps to fix it.
Hopefully you will be able to help him turn things around make something positive out of all this.
Hopefully, being a good momma for his first 12 years has laid a strong enough foundation that both of you can weather the terrible teens.
On the plus side, he is a boy so you only have to worry about one penis (his) and not all penises.
I have been praying for you and Cam. I wish I had words of wisdom for you.
Jormengrund, I did see a lot of the small things, but got caught up in the idea that Cam would "respect" me enough that he would respond to a verbal reprimand. That was my biggest mistake!
Joker_SATX, well, as you'll learn later in this series, he's been "convinced" by a couple of 18 year olds that he won't get in trouble if he gets caught - and yes, they have ulterior motives.
Jay, I'm currently looking for positive ways to fill his idle time rather than taking away those things as punishment. You'd be surprised at just how difficult this exercise is when looking for things for early teens to do.
Professor Fate, On the plus side, he is a boy so you only have to worry about one penis (his) and not all penises.
Thanks for the laugh!
Karen, please keep those prayers coming! And if you want to get real specific? I'm focusing on requests for positive peer relationships and a strong, adult role model. I hear that G-d likes specific requests :)
Being a parent can be very emotionally draining and I say this is a mother to children under 10. I know it only gets more 'challenging' as they become older.
Positive thoughts coming your way as you deal with these challenges....
Wow. Keep up with the tough love. Hope it all works out for you.
...my father died in 1967 when I was 13 years old. One day my mother picked me up after school and she brought me to the cop shop. She had found a "matchbox" of pot in my room. She told the cops,"Take him. He's incorrigible". I spent a week in juvenile hall. There is no way in the world I hold this against her...the experience was a life-changing one for me, and I am thankful for it...
I'm sorry that you're dealing with this right now. Will be praying your specific requests. As the mom of 2 young sons, I know that these days may be around the corner. Hugs and prayers.
I wish you luck. It's difficult to help someone who doesn't want to BE helped.
Hang in there Dana. Yes, you may have missed some clues along the way. But when the clarity of the situation was revealed to you, steps were taken to correct the issues you and Cam faced. I think a lot of parents would have "blinked" or went into denial.
Ya do the crime, you do the time... Pick your battles, and don't go overboard on the punishment.. I think if you re- read some of your old blogs, you would realize protecting and defending him has taken up more time than normal- giving him a skewed perspective of how the world works. You look at him as a mother, but who reads about that stuff every night in the newspaper, and doesn't know him, will condemn him for it. We all make mistakes, but after that- what is the new outlook? Forgiving is sacred, forgetting is stupid. Best of luck..
I feel for everyone in this situation. I'm so sorry it had to get this bad. Hang in there. All of you.
Vixen, emotionally draining, physically draining ... and I'm not so sure it gets more difficult as they get older, the challenges just have more severe consequences.
Nolens Volens, Wow is an understatement.
Phfrankie Bondo, I like your story. I was quite a hell-raiser myself and know that I turned out OK in spite of myself, but I had to figure it out on my own. My parents were occupied elsewhere. Cam needs to figure it iut with firm guidance.
kyslp, I'll take all of the prayers and positive thoughts I can get - thank you!
Marsha, it is ... and at 13 he knows everything and needs no parents - just ask him!
we're doomed, unfortunately, I didn't miss the clues, I rationalized them. Then it got too serious to rationalize.
buffalodick, as much as I'd like to call you a meanie, you are very right. I have protected and defended him, often times in excess. I've tried to "make up" for the inequities in his life and I've done him a HUGE disservice in doing so.
Different topic, but I will say I think this is why it's best for children to have two parents whose views on these things can offer balance.
Aunt Becky, it can happen to anyone, and unfortunately we are having to fight the battle.
The "two parent" notion is another cop out....you make excuses for everything.
doggybloggy, thank you so much for not letting me down! I was so looking forward to your shitty attitude and you blessed me with it this morning. NOW I can start my day with a smile and a feeling of completeness!
if thats what you call the truth - 'a shitty attitude' then your have a bigger hill to climb than I thought!
doggybloggy, ahhhh ... the truth ... of course! Because you have it all figured out. I'm just in denial regarding your superiority - maybe some day I'll allow myself to bow down to your greatness. Until then? You are just an irritating little fruit fly in my world. *SMACK*
... gotcha!
I think that's a real smart idea putting the gps on Cam's phone. If more parents did stuff like that than the world of parenting would be a better place.
I have a lot of catching up to do here.
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