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It was noon on Friday. Although I had thoroughly enjoyed my visit with the family, despite the gossip, pettiness and dysfunction, I was ready to head out. After spending almost a week in a house full of enough people to field a football team - with substitutions available - I was looking forward to it being just Cam and me in the car again.
The first chunk of the drive would be a short one - just 5 hours to Helena - and both Cam and I were excited. The first visit with Os was a blast, there was no doubt the second visit would be equally fun. A night of the Helena Brewers, pizza and beer just added to the memories.
Saturday morning arrived, much to my protest. It was time to muddle through the hangover (and it was a nasty one) and really hit the road. I started feeling anxious. Was it just the remnants of the Belgian White - the throbbing head and tumultuous stomach - or was it more?
One of the things I learned while we were gone was that I really do miss mountains. I have said it many times, but returning after a 5 year absence cemented it. There is something quite comforting - a definite sense of security - when I am surrounded by the majesty of mountains. I feel protected, as if they wrap themselves around me to keep me safe. I knew the Saturday drive would take me away from that comfort. I tried to absorb as much of the mountains' strength and power as I could on Saturday, I knew I'd need it.
Sunday morning felt a bit melancholy. Cam and I really had a wonderful time and the reality of its abrupt end - the return to the life I have created for us both - was staring me in the face like a stack of dirty dishes. I knew what needed to be done, but I didn't want to do it.
It was when we hit Wisconsin that I really felt the impact of what it meant to travel back to Chicago. While Cam and I were gone, we were able to be genuine. There wasn't any pressure on either of us to try to keep peace in the house - we could wake up in the morning knowing what to expect.
You see, there is a great deal of uncertainty in our house. Yes, sometimes things run smoothly, but there is always this underlying fear of making some comment - of doing something "irritating" - and having husband go off. These aren't major infractions by any means, they can be things as simple as sitting "wrong" in the car making something squeak or rattle, or hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock rather than getting up the first time it sounds. And these "irritants" set him off daily, and sometimes multiple times in the same day. There is a need for constant and relentless awareness of what one might do that will cause some ridiculous outburst, always waiting - anticipating - disapproval. It is physically and emotionally draining.
By the time we reached Illinois, I had worked myself into somewhat of a frenzy, and Cam was reflecting that anxiety. An hour - 60 minutes - until I put us both back into that environment. My hope was that as our time away offered me time to reflect, husband would have taken advantage of that time to do the same. I hoped there would be a warm welcome - some indication that we had been missed - some attempt to make things better for all of us. But hope failed me.
When we walked into the house, husband didn't even get out of his chair to welcome us back, but rather turned up the volume on the TV because we were making too much noise bringing our things in and interrupting the program he was watching. Yes, we were "home," and nothing had changed. Hope has never gotten me very far - change requires action - hope just fills an idle brain.
Yes, I'm still fence sitting, but this time with a different plan. I'm not ready to throw in the towel on the marriage, but I am ready to make the changes needed to insure a more "normal" existence for Cam and I. I am ready to stop trying to please someone who will never be pleased and spend that energy on making a healthy home environment for Cam and me.
I have no doubt there will be significant repercussions for this "selfishness," but I can't help but believe the rewards will be immeasurable.
It was noon on Friday. Although I had thoroughly enjoyed my visit with the family, despite the gossip, pettiness and dysfunction, I was ready to head out. After spending almost a week in a house full of enough people to field a football team - with substitutions available - I was looking forward to it being just Cam and me in the car again.
The first chunk of the drive would be a short one - just 5 hours to Helena - and both Cam and I were excited. The first visit with Os was a blast, there was no doubt the second visit would be equally fun. A night of the Helena Brewers, pizza and beer just added to the memories.
Saturday morning arrived, much to my protest. It was time to muddle through the hangover (and it was a nasty one) and really hit the road. I started feeling anxious. Was it just the remnants of the Belgian White - the throbbing head and tumultuous stomach - or was it more?
One of the things I learned while we were gone was that I really do miss mountains. I have said it many times, but returning after a 5 year absence cemented it. There is something quite comforting - a definite sense of security - when I am surrounded by the majesty of mountains. I feel protected, as if they wrap themselves around me to keep me safe. I knew the Saturday drive would take me away from that comfort. I tried to absorb as much of the mountains' strength and power as I could on Saturday, I knew I'd need it.
Sunday morning felt a bit melancholy. Cam and I really had a wonderful time and the reality of its abrupt end - the return to the life I have created for us both - was staring me in the face like a stack of dirty dishes. I knew what needed to be done, but I didn't want to do it.
It was when we hit Wisconsin that I really felt the impact of what it meant to travel back to Chicago. While Cam and I were gone, we were able to be genuine. There wasn't any pressure on either of us to try to keep peace in the house - we could wake up in the morning knowing what to expect.
You see, there is a great deal of uncertainty in our house. Yes, sometimes things run smoothly, but there is always this underlying fear of making some comment - of doing something "irritating" - and having husband go off. These aren't major infractions by any means, they can be things as simple as sitting "wrong" in the car making something squeak or rattle, or hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock rather than getting up the first time it sounds. And these "irritants" set him off daily, and sometimes multiple times in the same day. There is a need for constant and relentless awareness of what one might do that will cause some ridiculous outburst, always waiting - anticipating - disapproval. It is physically and emotionally draining.
By the time we reached Illinois, I had worked myself into somewhat of a frenzy, and Cam was reflecting that anxiety. An hour - 60 minutes - until I put us both back into that environment. My hope was that as our time away offered me time to reflect, husband would have taken advantage of that time to do the same. I hoped there would be a warm welcome - some indication that we had been missed - some attempt to make things better for all of us. But hope failed me.
When we walked into the house, husband didn't even get out of his chair to welcome us back, but rather turned up the volume on the TV because we were making too much noise bringing our things in and interrupting the program he was watching. Yes, we were "home," and nothing had changed. Hope has never gotten me very far - change requires action - hope just fills an idle brain.
Yes, I'm still fence sitting, but this time with a different plan. I'm not ready to throw in the towel on the marriage, but I am ready to make the changes needed to insure a more "normal" existence for Cam and I. I am ready to stop trying to please someone who will never be pleased and spend that energy on making a healthy home environment for Cam and me.
I have no doubt there will be significant repercussions for this "selfishness," but I can't help but believe the rewards will be immeasurable.
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26 comments:
Good Luck Dana!!
I don't really have much else to offer.
That sucks that you didn't even get a welcome home....
I applaud your courage to make the necessary changes. Change is hard and scary but usually things work out for the better.
I don't even know what to say. It SUCKS to feel that anxiety about your own home, I'm just glad you are going to try and make chances.
And he didn't say, "Hi! How was the trip?" or anything? Good Lord!
M, I know it's going to take a lot of determination and a huge swing in the way I value myself, but it is time.
Doc, once his program was over, I was asked how the trip was. It was just a reminder where I fall on the list of priorities.
Apple, it's going to take every bit of courage I have and it's going to go against the way I usually live my life. It will require making waves rather than making peace.
Sounds exactly like my former brother in law, be careful, when he sees that he's no longer getting to you he may escalate.
It's just sick and unfair that you have to put up with this.
You're right about the fact that there is just no reason to keep trying to please someone or make someone happy who just doesn't want to be happy. And there's certainly no reason to do this for someone who doesn't care about your happiness either!
If you're asking, my advice is to make two plans: one that will work toward fixing things... and one for if that doesn't turn out. Just be prepared and always (ALWAYS) do what's best for you and yours. ((HUG))
AH TRYING TO PLEASE SOMEONE WHO HAS DECIDED NEVER TO BE PLEASED.
I lived this for many years...and felt it was my fault after being told so many times that i was not a good partner and that i had a crappy attitude...
No matter what I did I tried to fix, but history was thrown in my face "Fine you have been good, but TWO YEARS AGO....yadda yadda..."
Geee... now I am in a relationship where I am told over and over that i am so calm and I never let things get to me...and that those qualities are helping Nancy to deal with her issues...
So, now I am the rock, when before I was the squishy crap under the rock...
It is all how you are perceived and how you respond to being given affection and love...
Good luck Dana...but I agree with Tink..have an out plan ready...
Bina, he did say "Hi" after I said, "We're home!" ... then he turned up the volume.
Hammer, I am (unfortunately) expecting things to escalate. I've been "good" for so long that I think a deviation from that will cause a great deal of angst.
Jay, sometimes I just get so stuck in what I'm doing that I don't realize the absurdity of it all. Being away for 11 days gave me some time to put things into perspective.
Tink, I am always open to advise! I do have a two-part plan in place and feel fairly confident (as confident as one can be in this type of situation) that I am perfectly capable of carrying out both parts - if necessary.
Bond, I get that two. When a "request" is made that I change a behavior, the expectation is that I do it now ... and perfectly ... and never slide back. Of course most often this is a one-sided or conditional expectation. And yes, acknowledgment of me - on a human level - is directly related to how "good" I am being.
Sometimes being an adult sucks. I'm touched by the love you show toward Cam and the patience you show toward the older gentleman who seems lost in a world of his own, oblivious to the hurt his action and inaction cause to, I imagine, both mother and child.
All the best to you Dana. I wish you courage in the quite hours of the night when you stand with your fears and concerns and sift through plan and future.
I'll be here for support. :)
I walked on egg shells for 14 years. Loathing the next time that I was yelled at for something I did or didn't do. Fuck it.
I gave up everything. A nice house, seeing my son wake up and go to bed every day. Do I miss those things?
Damn right I do, but I'd rather feel the happiness of the times I can afford a pizza, watch a ball game, and feel at ease knowing that my son is not crying because there is yelling.
And instead of going to sleep wondering if there is more crap to come, I can enjoy the the thought of the sweet double play I saw or the amazing punt return for a touchdown I witnessed.
And know that Ryno, is not on edge wondering if Mom and Dad are going to argue again that night. Cheers Dana!!
Good luck, Sweetheart. I've walked and cowered a mile in those shoes. I really do wish you the best.
Trée, thank you! Courage is likely what I need most right now - to face what I know will be a battle of wills, but that will result in a more healthy life for all of us!
g-man, thank you. Knowing all of you are out here, reminding me that I can - and must - take care of myself and Cam, makes a huge difference.
Matt-Man, oh how I can identify with the desire to go to sleep without wondering what crap will come next (because it will come). I had a glimpse of peaceful, restful sleep while we were gone, and I was amazed at what a difference it made.
Nobody should have to live their life feeling like they're constantly walking on egg shells, just waiting to be reprimanded for some insignificant little thing that went wrong. It's a form of control, letting someone else define your boundaries.
You CAN regain a more normal existence. There's no need to abandon the marriage now, but be prepared to face that possibility in the future. As dreadful as it sounds, it can be a very liberating experience.
I am finally learning how to breathe again. I used to hold it--- a lot.
You obviously have thought this through on many levels. Whatever direction you go, I'm more than sure it won't be flipantly done. That's a key first step.
I'll save any armchair quarterbacking and simply say I wish you and Cam well.
I grew up, well after about 12 yrs old, never knowing what to expect when walking into my home. It is one of the most sucky feelings. Brava for trying to make it work and work better for you and Cam. Has hubby tried therapy? He probably thinks it is stupid right?
Hey Matt-man, you also get Schmoop :)
What a suck, to not come home and have it feel great. That's mostly one of the best times of a trip, when you step back in your own door. I hope you can make the changes so you and Cam can feel good about being home.
Looks like you have come to the crossroads and decided to change directions. Here's to hoping that the next road is a damn site more enjoyable than the last!
Brian, understand that although I know that, my need to be loved was stronger than my need to be treated well. I am as prepared as one can be when facing these changes.
Turnbaby, I was holding my breath on your show *wink*
Jeff, certainly well thought out although still difficult to implement!
Lu, I grew up in a similar household and was quite alarmed when I realized that, although this is not an alcoholic home (as mine was) the environment is almost identical!
Micky, Cam and I may need to find our own home to feel good about being there.
Garbanzo, I just hope my resolution to do the "right" thing stays strong.
I feel badly for you and Cam. This fear of the unknown shit storm at any turn never leaves you once ingrained. It may ease when removed from the cause, but it is always there lurking and clouding. I feel it anyway and I have been removed from the cause for many many years.
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