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Heading out west, my initial thoughts centered around relationships. Oddly enough, not my marriage, but friendships. Not to dredge up the past, but y'all might remember that right before we headed out on the road there had been a bit of a brew-ha-ha regarding my blog, an email list I used to be a member of and some responses I made to comments on a couple of my posts. These issues were still fresh in my mind, and I needed some internal resolution.
Try as I might, I have a difficult time letting things go when they aren't resolved, especially when I feel I've been mistreated, misunderstood or misrepresented. I know that I am a "good and honest" person, and when others imply (or come right out and say) that isn't the case, it bothers me. Why? Because, more than anything, I want to be valued as a person. I want to know that I matter. And trust me, the irony of that statement is not lost.
After thinking, and thinking, and thinking some more, it became clear that this wasn't about the way others treat me - this was about the fact that I mistreat, misunderstand and misrepresent myself. I spend a great deal of time pretending that things don't bother me - that I am strong in my emotions and convictions - in hopes that I'll start believing the facade. It's what I want to be - shouldn't it follow that if I act in that manner long enough I will become that way? Even if I don't believe it, maybe if others do, it will rub off on me?
In reality, I'm a jumbled mess of goo inside, most often with little hope of ever managing a significant dose of self-esteem. I question everything I do and everything people do for me. I wonder if I'll ever be "good enough" - if people really do like me or if they are just being nice because it is the "right" thing to do. Logically, I know that people don't have the energy, nor the desire, to play nice for long and so I wait for the bottom to fall out, never allowing myself the opportunity to enjoy the good trying to get in. For someone (me) who usually maintains a fairly positive attitude in life, this is a very negative and self-defeating way live.
I know why I am this way - I know that I am a product of my life experiences - and I know that only I have the ability to change my future. What's worse is that I know what I need to do to alter the course of my life ... and it terrifies me. It requires that I trust my judgment and that I let go of what I've convinced myself is control of my emotions, but is really an attempt to control what emotions I allow myself to feel. It requires that I be a bit more empathetic and a bit less judgmental, both of others and more importantly, of myself. It requires that I give myself credit for my successes rather than beating myself up over my perceived failures. It requires that I believe that I deserve all of the good and wonderful things life has to offer.
How scary is that???
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28 comments:
AH life....
Well Dana...may I state that the person you are here...on your blog...is a someone I would value as a friend. your humor and openness - the love you show for Cam...
The way i read this post, it might not be how you are in real life. We are all shaped by our life experiences and adapt to our current situations.
i can say, from experience, being happy in your love life allows you to look at the world in a whole different way.
HUGS to you
dang..I am the first commenter here...that never happens to lil ole me
OH and great job last night on Turnbaby's
Bond, I think it's fair to say that I strive every day to be more like my blogger self with "real life" folks. It is when I'm blogging that I feel the most comfortable - the most confident. I want that to carry over more in "real life."
You know why you are the first one to comment?? Because you don't use a reader and google reader isn't picking up my post today *wink*
Sorry I missed you last night. Hope it was a fantastic experience for you!
"It requires that I give myself credit for my successes rather than beating myself up over my perceived failures."
No truer words were ever spoken. It is so much easier to find the flaws in ourselves (and others) than it is to find the good. Just know that I see the good in you, and I like what I see. (not just on Thursdays) ;)
I have a problem with that step from logically knowing what I need to do to make my life better and actually doing it too.
You have so much to be proud of and thankful for. You need to give yourself some credit for how far you have come in life.
I think a lot of people would benefit from reading this and taking your advice for yourself and using it for themselves. A whole lot of people feel the way you do.
To answer your question...shit your pants scary. I know, I'm there with you. I feel at times like I lead a double life. It is exhausting. I'm trying to figure out how to make all of the me's into just one ME.
and that I let go of what I've convinced myself is control of my emotions, but is really an attempt to control what emotions I allow myself to feel This statement truly hit home with me. I've never been able to describe this but you did it perfectly.
Listen to those of us who you know are your friends. YOU are an awesome person, a great friend, and a sexy woman!
Wow Dana...deep.
I'll admit that it's hard for a person to be confident in their decisions and actions.
To me, being valued as a person only matters if it's a person that matters to me.
The rest, can suck it.
Loved the post though, girl...seriously.
Garbonzo, you missed me half-nekkid ... live?? What's funny is that I am far more critical of myself than I am of others. There are times when I bend over backward for "friends" when I'd never give myself that much consideration. A bit skewed ...
Karen, I do to! This will likely be a very slow process and one where I frequently retreat to what is comfortable. I just know that being happy is more important than being comfortable and I am hoping that realization will get me through this.
Knight, that was very nice of you to say ... now what is it you want from me??? (*gigglesnort - just couldn't resist)
Always give yourself credit for your successes !!
Like the old song goes: You can't please everyone so you got to please yourself.
Other people will try to bring you down due to jealousy, and their own self esteem issues.
Don't let em.
Any change is scary. The changes you are talking about are bone chilling, but the rewards will be fantastic. Keep your eye on the result and dive in.
Your friends here and there will help you.
There are three things I will say about this post here today:
1} I completely understand how you feel about yourself in relation to the rest of the world.
2} I agree with you on how terrifying it is to change.
3} You are most definitely not alone in regards to your feelings.
Apple, I don't even want to make all of the me's into one me, I just want to become better at putting the "real" me out there - the blogging me. It just doesn't feel "safe" to do that most of the time!
Slick, see? And here you thought I was just about the tits *giggle*
Doc, I think if I just gave myself as much credit for the successes as I do blame for the failures, I'd be an entirely different (and happier) person!
G-Man, you guys really are the best!
Flyinfox, fear is a powerful emotion and one that holds me steady in a place that I really don't enjoy. Although fear can be useful, I think it's really taken over my life.
I've been struggling with many of these same emotions and questions lately. I can't seem to come up with a logical and acceptable solution to all of though. Or at least a plan or something I can accept as realistic. Mostly cause reality sucks bad.
You did great on Turnbaby's show last night. I listed on tape delay. ;-)
{{clapping hands}}}
Bravo for you for 1. putting all those thought together 2. understanding the meaning of all that and how it pertains to you and 3. for your courage!! It takes courage to be true to ourselves. We're so full of stupid fears. This ageing thing we all do is helpful sometimes. It's said 'with age comes wisdom'. If we truely acknowledge our authentic selves....and act upon that knowledge....we win. Period.
And just so you know for sure....I like you for the person I 'read'. All of it...the sarcasm, wittiness, truthfullness, wickedly sly....courage...and the dimples. ;) And too, I'm in awe of your courage to do the HNT. Bravo girl. Get it figured out and then figure a plan of action. You can do it.
I'm genuine when it comes to my feelings for others, and if I don't really like them, then I just don't bother with them, but it's unusual for me to NOT like other people.
Myself? I'm the biggest judge and critic I have and my mind never stops wondering what is wrong with me, why people don't like me, why I don't have good friends, why I'm not a better mother, a better wife, a better house cleaner, a better worker, etc. You get the point.
Jay, it's that birthday you just celebrated *wink* Turnbaby's show ... the good news is that time flew by and I don't think anyone was listening live!
tt, it's easy to put the thoughts together when you have 24 hours of road to travel. The mind becomes idle, then thinks more clearly!
Bina, I can see we've been sharing the same brain at times!
Wow, what a mouthful!
I don't know but maybe your looking too deep into what you should or should not be thinking about who you are.
All of us, have to get through our own pile of shit that we call our lives. Sometimes oddly enough, shit don't stink!
Sorry, just my Trade School mentality.
Or you could just come join me in a little local Jack Daniel's single barrel, sipped like we know what we're doing. :-D
Having been through similar online issues as you are eluding to, I understand completely. I think what is most important is that you remain true to yourself and continue to strive to be who you want to be and the person that makes *YOU* happy.
And I agree with what others have said, I consider you a friend and I definitely feel lucky for that.
xo
Well, I can relate to this, Dana.
I think knowing you're not as strong and hard as you come off as is a bit reassuring. I'm glad to know you're just as human as the rest of us. ;)
Bygones, Dana. Don't give that whole fiasco another thought. I'm over it and I'm betting the other person involved is as well.
I can sooo relate to the part about wondering if people really like you. Sometimes I wonder why I even care.
Micky, I'll be the first to admit that sometimes the "trade school mentality" (not sure if I like that term, but since you used it I'll go with it) is far more efficient and effective when dealing with life!
Trée, you know, I *do* like that Single Barrel!
Vixen, I sometimes struggle with the lack of physical interaction in the cyber world being that I take in so much information through tone, gestures, etc. I think it makes the whole process a bit more difficult for me.
... and thank you!!
FF, I don't know if I'm just as human - sometimes I'm just a mess *wink* I just know that if one or two people say something, there are likely far more who felt the same way but didn't speak up.
I see it not as something to fret over, but as an opportunity to see if I am being who I should be - who I want to be!
Oh/my/god! That is just a perfect breast! Great pics!
Okay, toddlers jumping around me, put that comment on the wrong post!
Damn scary. And I'm right there with ya! Tough, ain't it?
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