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No ... not lesbian (don't be too disappointed) ... LOVE. There! I said it! Are you happy now?
What am I talking about? Well, I am not one to use the "L" word very frequently. Just typing it gives me the heeber-jeebers. Quite honestly, it is a word that has brought me far more disappointment than happiness. How can that be? It's such a wonderful word - one that evokes deep emotion - one that is used to express the ultimate sentiment - and one that is often, in my experience, used carelessly.
My problems with the "L" word are many. It is a single, four-letter word used to convey a full spectrum of feelings, it rarely means the same thing to the person saying it as it does to the person hearing it, and it requires action - not just from the vocal chords, but from the person uttering it. It's not just a word.
One shared trait in my family (which fortunately, is not genetically transferred) is their ability to hold on to - and rehash - the past. During one of these many moments during my recent visit, there was a brief discussion between my mother and I that went like this:
My mom just couldn't seem to grasp that just because she said she loved me - many, many times a day - it didn't necessarily follow that I felt loved. That actions really do speak louder than words. That doing something hurtful wasn't negated by simply uttering the "L" word. It was then that I realized why the "L" word is such a thorn in my side - it is an easy word to say, but an extremely difficult word to live.
Mom: You felt loved growing up, didn't you?! (not really a question, but rather a statement indicating how I should answer the question)
Me: No, I didn't. You may have said you loved me, but I didn't feel loved.
Mom: Yes you did! We did everything together!
Me: If you already knew the answer to this question, why did you bother asking?
Mom: I can't believe you are saying this, embarrassing me in front of the family, when you know it isn't true.
Me: *looks down*shakes head*
Although I don't say it often, I strive daily to live the "L" word - to show those I care about how I feel - and I punctuate my actions with the verbal "L" word. I so hope I'm doing this right ... or at least better than it was done for me.
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37 comments:
I don't say the word "love" lightly or often enough...
Sometimes I feel the same way! My mother had no actions and never used the word either. I have to make sure to do what my mother didn't do for me for my kids. I don't want them to ever feel un-loved...
I understand you completely on this. I twitch a little every time I say or hear the L word. I was lucky because I grew up in the opposite situation. Nobody felt the need to say it a lot but I felt it because of my mother's actions. That is exactly what I do.
It's very unfortunate your mother can't comprehend how you feel but it's wonderful to know that you broke the cycle and Cam is a lucky kid to have a Lwording mother that shows it.
" I can't believe you are saying this, embarrassing me in front of the family, when you know it isn't true."
Proper response: I'm sorry that you feel like that. I hope we can get past it and form a stronger relationship.
Or better yet she shouldn't ask questions like that in a room full of people.
My mom pulled that shit on me once.
I didn't tell the truth because I honestly just no longer gave a shit.
Ugh. My ex would with me, and does it with Ryno, re-live the past. It actually, and I rarely use this word, "infuriates" me.
Like Hammer said, get over it and move on.
I use the word love on a daily basis. Fortunately, nowadays, I mean it and show it to those whom upon I impart the word. Cheers, Pal!!
Buff, I don't know if I say it often enough either. My guess is that I do to my son, but likely not to others.
Lollie, sometimes I wonder how we figure it all out having had less than stellar role models, but somehow we do manage, don't we?
Knight, it would have been nice to have just a wee bit of validation from my mom, but at least I had the opportunity to be honest, and the opportunity to do differently with Cam.
Hammer, where were you with the cue cards when I was sitting there, trying to figure out a "proper" response, between being dumbfounded and pissed off?? *wink*
I'm guessing my mom won't go there again, at least in a room full of people ...
Matt-Man, it's funny you say that. My aunt was asking if I thought I should sit down and have a long talk with my mom and I responded, "I'd just like to move forward." What's done is done - time to move on!
... and you typed the "L" word in my comments AND made me read it! Shame on you!!
I tend to throw the L word around quite a bit. I never get off the phone with my sister, my dad or my brother without saying it. I also say it frequently to a few close friends. I have no problem showing it or saying there.
BUT in a romantic setting, I will struggle, sputter, hyperventilate, and nearly die before saying I Love You. I also have a hard time believing it when it is said to me.
I totally know what your talking about. People use the word "love" but then their actions don't show it.
You're mother was a lot like my father I bet. You know everyone (my mother, my grandmother) saying things like "You're father loves you and your sister, he just has a hard time showing it."
Oh... my therapist probably won't be happy that I said that publicly. LOL ;-)
Karen, interesting that you have such a distinct difference in the comfort level of saying it in platonic/paternal relationships that you do in romantic relationships.
I'm with you on the believing part though - I just never know what, exactly, it is that the other person means when they use it. Just befuddles me!
Jay, exactly! It's that conflict between words and actions that always bothers me. Kind of like people talking about how honest they are and then eating a pound of "free" grapes at the market while they shop.
We do manage, somehow. I do think it has affected me negatively. I have a hard time showing affection and kissing my children on the lips. But I am trying to make sure they don't have to 'manage' in their adult life.--Lollie
I believe saying the word is important, but showing it more so...a hug, a card, a single flower, a smile...those show the person the LOVE you feel more than uttering the word.
Never once, until I was about 42, did my mother ever say she loved me. I heard "I hate you! I wish you were never born" just about daily, along with with my brother. One day, on the phone, my mother said "I love you" as we were hanging up, and I just hung up the phone. I thought "WTF??? Is she high?" No, I didn't believe it. But I have come to realize I don't think my mother knows HOW to love. She was born without that emotion. And after many years of counseling, I'm okay with that now. Sorta.
But I tell my children daily, many times, I love them, and I kiss and hug them, too. That's something else I never had growing. Hugging. It was VERY hard to accept hugs from people as an adult, and sometimes it still makes me feel weird.
I remember the day exactly, mom and I in the car, talking about my father, her husband. It hit me like a cold slap in the face, her memories of my childhood bore no resemblance to mine. Like we had lived in parallel universes. Nothing I could say, I quickly understood, was going to bridge the gap. We would simply agree to disagree and not raise the topic again.
Shame on your mother for asking you that question in front of family. Very, very immature and manipulation of the ugliest order.
Sounds like your on the right path, live well Dana dear. Love by example.
Lollie, yes we do ... and hopefully we know a little better than our parents did and we do a little better with our own children!
Bond, it's those unexpected things - the things that say, "I was thinking about you today," that really mean so much!
Bina, unlike you, I heard it ALL of the time, unfortunately it was often after a full bottle of wine. I find it interesting that I am much more of a "toucher" with friends than I am with family, although I'm guessing there are reasons for that.
Trée, your comment, "her memories of my childhood bore no resemblance to mine. Like we had lived in parallel universes. Nothing I could say, I quickly understood, was going to bridge the gap." is EXACTLY the realization I had this trip. I only wish my mother would have the same realization!
g-man, I sure do hope so ...
My mother and I have had a very rocky relationship for many years. I don't really think she ever understood me nor did I understand her, and she definitely doesn't agree with me on a lot of things.
But we have been able to become friends over the last three or four years through her reading my blog and me dealing with a lot of my own issues.
In the 37 years of experience that I've had on this planet, I've learned that friendship is the most important love of all.
Captain Corky 8/22/2008
Aye, tis true.... it is in action more than words that makes it true. Cheers!
Corky, you're not suggesting I tell my mom about my blog are you?? *gasp* You know, I would be quite satisfied with a friendly relationship with either of my parents - one where there were no "requirements" to rehash the past - again and again. One where we could all come to an agreement that everyone did the best they could at the time and move forward.
Lecram, you surprised me on a Friday! Love is definitely a "living" word, and one that carries with it a huge responsibility to those it is spoken to!
i try to show those i'm passionate about how much i love them and fail miserably at times - they know i do - sometimes the feeling is so overwhelming that all i can do is put a squeeze on one of them and say, "my heart is so full of you!"
don't feel badly, dana - if your mother's of the same generation as mine, they're pretty much all that way - all talk, no walk.
I found it to be in my best interests to ignore my parents revisionist history of my childhood. I am sure that there are many things that were colored by my youth, which is why I remember them differently than they do. By the same token, I know there are things that they simply do not recall being consistent themes in our lives. I have decided that it really doesn't matter all that much to our present and future relationships. I take my parents for who and what they are, now, today. I am an adult, and not a child any longer. I watch my behavior with my children, and when I feel myself slipping into patterns I would rather forget, I adjust and try to equalize. Our filters are so integral to who we are as people, that it is often impossible to get past your own to see another's. For instance, my mother will tell you that my father was an angry, violent, drug addict. My father would tell you that my mother was a mentally unstable hypochondriac with limited emotional ability to cope with the sun coming up. To a certain extent, they are both right. It hardly matters at this point.
You sure it requires action? Cuz I love you my friend...and just for the record, I thought you did very well during this conversation at NOT embarrassing anyone! ~Lee
I find the word comes very easily -- rolls right off the tongue -- when I really FEEL it. Therefore, I say it to my husband and cat quite often. My son, not so much anymore, because he never says it back to me and I think it makes him uncomfortable. Maybe one day I'll hear it from him. That will be something to look forward to.
But -- when I'm not feeling it, it's nearly impossible for me to say it. And sometimes there's that pressure from the other person. That "I went out on a limb and said it to you...don't tell me you're going to not say it back and make me feel bad" type of thing. Fortunately, since I'm married and no longer dating, I'm not confronted with that situation at present. But back in the day ... whew. And like so many women, I was taught to "be nice and not hurt his feelings." So I'd say it back and then feel nauseated. Nowadays I would not say it.
If anything happened to my marriage, I'd stay single for the rest of my life and probably not even date. Been there, done that, over it.
Nanc, thanks for stopping by! Actually, you expresses one of my biggest fears - that I am failing miserably at showing my love. If there is one thing I've come to realize it's that you really do have to show that you *do* love in order to be loved.
Boo, you wrote: I take my parents for who and what they are, now, today I'm right there with you, but don't see either of my parents being there. They seem to need to dredge up the past, be validated (i.e. be "right") before they'll move on. I'm just not where they are.
Lee, I would argue that you have shown action - likely far more times than you even realize.
I have to agree with Hammer...if you don't like the answer, perhaps next time you'll consider before putting yourself in that position of being answered "incorrectly."
I think you do a great job of showing the L word....you really are a loving person!
Let me take that a little farther and say, I choose not to argue the point with them. I will not change their version of history, nor will they change mine. I am the person I am today based in part on the way in which I was raised. It had good points and bad. I choose not to hold the bad against them, nor do I choose to point it out or contradict them. It would serve little purpose, other than to validate MY feelings on the subject. Allowing them their validation does not diminish mine, as I am validated in many, many other ways outside of them.
I think love is a wonderful word, used in the right context and should not be taken lightly.
Love is the single most powerful word there is. It can never be used often enough. If the person who says it doesn't mean it, or conveys a different meaning through their behaviors, that doesn't diminish the importance and power of the word.
We can talk about the misperceptions of our parents, but what about our own misperceptions. The parents in our head do not always correlate with the parents that existed. My sister describes circumstances and settings that I remember in a completely different way. She chose to misinterpret things my parents said when she was in her 40s. There comes a time in life when we need to stop blaming our parents and accept responsibility for ourselves. That will help us know the meaning of the word.
Volly, much like you, I cannot say it if I don't mean it - and when I say mean it I am referring to my definition of the word. It seems to fluster some people when you won't reciprocate with the word just because they've said it.
RLL, there were several questions she asked that should NEVER have been asked - like the two times she asked Cam who he'd choose to live with if he couldn't live with me - and both times he answered, "Grandpa."
Boo, I think that's where I've gotten with the whole thing - I listen to their perspective and don't argue the point - I think I'm going to have to set boundaries regarding how often we revisit it however!
Rage, I agree wholeheartedly!
Neil, really? You don't think the word can be used too much? That it can loose it's effectiveness when used carelessly?
I would agree that misconceptions occur on both sides - that my memories aren't necessarily the "right" memories - and that personal accountability is key in muddling through all of this.
Wow, is your mother named **n*? (So revealing, I know. Hah.) You poor dear; I understand exactly where you're coming from and it sucks. Aren't mothers supposed to be more mature than their daughters, more knowledgeable, more mature, less histrionic? This reminds me of so many personal stories but I won't delve into all that. ;)
I definitely agree that 2 people generally don't mean the same thing when they say "love." I always ask someone to define why they love me when they tell me they do because that's light-years more revealing than the word itself.
As long as you act out your love and remember to say it every so often - I'd say at least once a week - I think you're doing fine. I know people who are fucked in the head because their family members only act out a love they never overtly refer to; just a caution. :)
I don't remember ever hearing the word growing up after say 6 or 7 years old. I really never started using it till after a few years away sailing I came to visit my Dad in the north woods of Maine with his new wife living in the little camp that he built over all the years while still married to my mom. My mom divorced him and now he was HAPPY, so happy in his world in Maine with his new wife, good friend and then me, the son who was living one of his dreams with a boat in the Carribbean. He was so proud!!
I told him what I really felt, [the l-word] and we all cried together.
A month later he was diagnosed with a huge brain tumor and was gone in three months.
That changed the way I used the word from then on.
My wife and kids hear "I love you" pretty regularly. I like to think I back up that statement with the proper actions, but I also realize I'm human and probably fall short of that goal more than I'd like.
Ser Infiel, I agree - the "L" word must be said - and I continue to work at getting better about saying it to those who I truly feel that way towards.
Micky, it is important to hear as well as to see, isn't it? withholding the word, due to our own discomfort with it, is no better than using it too frequently.
Jeff, the "human factor" always figures in, doesn't it?!
I totally understand what you're saying.
Sitting here right now. I can not remember either of my parents hugging or kissing me...ever.
I kept seeing the mom in Ordinary People as I read this.
Perspective is a funny thing.
I love completely when I do----I'll do anything and everything. I am the big sloppy Golden Retriever of love. Despite having my heart ripped out a few times I still believe.
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