Masturbation Euphamisms

What? You thought I was kidding? Let's start with the ladies, shall we?

1. A night in with the girls


2. Applying lip gloss


3. Auditioning the finger puppets


4. Bashing the gash


5. Beating around the bush


6. Burying the knuckle


7. Checking the status of the I/O port


8. Clam bake for one


9. Coaxing the turtle out of her shell


10. Digitizing


11. Doing something for my chapped lips


12. Double-clicking your mouse


13. Erasing the problem


14. Fiddling the bean


15. Finger-pole the hole


16. Flicking the switch


17. Genital stimulation via phalangetic motion


18. Getting a date with slick mittens


19. Getting the last pickle out of the jar


20. Having sex with someone you love


21. "Looking for Waldo & his dog (gee, spot, there you are!)"


22. Manual override


23. Menage a moi


24. Opening the bottom drawer


25. Parting my meat curtain


26. Preheating the oven


27. Producing whore moans


28. Romancing thy own


29. Searching for Ms. "G"


30. Soaking in Palmolive


31. Stiffening my upper lip


32. Taking advantage of yourself


33. The magical disappearing finger trick


34. Wrinkling fingers

And now for the men ...

1. Adjusting the antenna


2. Applying the hand brake


3. Badgering the witness


4. Booting up the hard drive


5. Choking Charlie 'till he throws up


6. Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops


7. Digitally oscillating one's penis


8. Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile


9. Electing the president (for Matt-Man)


10. Evicting the testicular squatters


11. Firing the Surgeon General


12. Getting a load off my mind


13. Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie


14. Gluing the lady's eye's shut (for you-know-who - I'd link you, but then everyone would know!)


15. Having group sex with five friends


16. Jack hammering


17. Keeping the Optometrists in business


18. Lighting the lava lamp


19. Making special sauce with frank and beans


20. Manning the cockpit


21. One stop shopping


22. Opening up a bottle of Squirt


23. Playing five card draw with a handful of jacks


24. Practicing for the big game


25. Qualifying in the testicular time trial (for Doc)


26. Rapid delivery


27. Sacrificing sperm to the god of lonely nights


28. Self-induced penile regurgitation


29. Shooting the pump action porridge gun


30. Spackling the ceiling (for Huge Tool)


31. Staff meeting


32. Testicular tensile strength test


33. Whomping the walrus


34. Zygote spraying

And my FAVORITE, number 69 (how did that happen?)

Fucking without complications

I'd love to take credit for these gems, however I cannot allow myself to plagiarize amazing talent. They were all taken from HERE, where you can also play with use The Random Masturbation Synonym Generator at your leisure!