~*~*~
Ahhh ... Independence Day. It's a day that has brought routine dread for the past 20 years. Come the middle of June, I start psyching myself out with internal talk which includes things like "I hate this day," "What should be a day of celebration is for me a day of mourning," and "This day is just a reminder of the life I lost." This year started in much the same way, but then something changed.
Looking back, it was really a series of events, triggered by the trip to Bagwine. If I were to get overly dramatic (which never happens here) I'd liken it to the perfect storm.
I spent a weekend with people who expected nothing more of me than for me to be me. That isn't terribly unusual, but what was unusual was my reaction to the situation. Rather than spending a great deal of energy on making sure they liked the me they saw, I just was ... well ... me! And the world did not fall apart.
Wednesday night at the Annie & Burl compound was much the same, but with a twist. A situation that had the potential to throw me back into the "be-who-they-want-you-to-be" mode instead was an exercise in empathy and grace. Instead of donning my protective armor and working from a defensive position, I stood my ground and was rewarded with a great evening.
Thursday, husband invited Cam and me to the neighborhood 4th of July BBQ. This really was a test of the "reclaimed" me. There was a time, not too long ago where anxiety would have gotten the best of me and I would have declined the invitation, then likely talked about how insane it was for husband to invite me. Seriously, what would the neighbors think? They know why I left. How uncomfortable would that be? Instead, I did an internal "fuck it" and accepted the invitation. It was a great time.
Yes, there was some initial "awkward" in the night. I have no idea how much gossip has been generated about my decision to leave, but I do know that the neighbors are aware of many of the reasons I did. Rather than internalize that and worry about what they were thinking, I just plowed right into the topic and, with a small group, said, "Just in case anyone is wondering ..." then talked a little bit about the situation. It opened up an AMAZING discussion between two of the neighborhood women and myself - neighbors who I had really never bothered to get to know, but had certainly judged in the past rationalizing it as a way to "protect" myself.
The 4th, which has traditionally been a day of moping and pity, was the celebration it should be. I had a moment where I realized that this badge of shame I wear doesn't "protect" me from anything, but rather puts a barrier between me and the real life I can lead.
Do I have it all figured out now? Not a chance! I expect that there will still be many pity parties in my future, but I'm not some helpless child who needs to be invisible so as not to rock the boat. I don't need everyone to like me and I certainly shouldn't be less-than me in an attempt to gain approval. I have the choice to remain stuck in a place where I continue to hate myself, or find that place where I don't.
Who'd have thunk it?
Ahhh ... Independence Day. It's a day that has brought routine dread for the past 20 years. Come the middle of June, I start psyching myself out with internal talk which includes things like "I hate this day," "What should be a day of celebration is for me a day of mourning," and "This day is just a reminder of the life I lost." This year started in much the same way, but then something changed.Looking back, it was really a series of events, triggered by the trip to Bagwine. If I were to get overly dramatic (which never happens here) I'd liken it to the perfect storm.
I spent a weekend with people who expected nothing more of me than for me to be me. That isn't terribly unusual, but what was unusual was my reaction to the situation. Rather than spending a great deal of energy on making sure they liked the me they saw, I just was ... well ... me! And the world did not fall apart.
Wednesday night at the Annie & Burl compound was much the same, but with a twist. A situation that had the potential to throw me back into the "be-who-they-want-you-to-be" mode instead was an exercise in empathy and grace. Instead of donning my protective armor and working from a defensive position, I stood my ground and was rewarded with a great evening.
Thursday, husband invited Cam and me to the neighborhood 4th of July BBQ. This really was a test of the "reclaimed" me. There was a time, not too long ago where anxiety would have gotten the best of me and I would have declined the invitation, then likely talked about how insane it was for husband to invite me. Seriously, what would the neighbors think? They know why I left. How uncomfortable would that be? Instead, I did an internal "fuck it" and accepted the invitation. It was a great time.
Yes, there was some initial "awkward" in the night. I have no idea how much gossip has been generated about my decision to leave, but I do know that the neighbors are aware of many of the reasons I did. Rather than internalize that and worry about what they were thinking, I just plowed right into the topic and, with a small group, said, "Just in case anyone is wondering ..." then talked a little bit about the situation. It opened up an AMAZING discussion between two of the neighborhood women and myself - neighbors who I had really never bothered to get to know, but had certainly judged in the past rationalizing it as a way to "protect" myself.
The 4th, which has traditionally been a day of moping and pity, was the celebration it should be. I had a moment where I realized that this badge of shame I wear doesn't "protect" me from anything, but rather puts a barrier between me and the real life I can lead.
Do I have it all figured out now? Not a chance! I expect that there will still be many pity parties in my future, but I'm not some helpless child who needs to be invisible so as not to rock the boat. I don't need everyone to like me and I certainly shouldn't be less-than me in an attempt to gain approval. I have the choice to remain stuck in a place where I continue to hate myself, or find that place where I don't.
Who'd have thunk it?
~*~*~
15 comments:
Let Freedom Ring!! Cheers Dana!!
Do what I did for a friend when she finally completed all the insane requests from her boss before being allowed to quit...throw a "I ain't anyone's bitch" party and celebrate your freedom to be YOU
Sounds like you gained YOUR independence! I'm proud of you!
*cranks up Sammy Davis Jr. "I Gotta Be Me"*
Oh Dana- that's awesome! I'm glad you were able to enjoy the day. Sometimes our insecurities/anxieties hold us down and prevent us from being the people we really should be and WANT to be. Good for you!
This post makes me Smile....
:)
good for you.
Matt-Man, freedom indeed!
Nolens Volens, I've considered a bit of a coming out party. Only time will tell!
Evil Twin's Wife, I definitely stepped in that direction!
Jay, what? All it took was a song and you kept that from me?? :)
Vixen, I thoroughly enjoyed the day and didn't for a minute feel the least bit guilty for it - which really surprised me!
Alfro, it makes me smile too!
Just, yes. Exactly. I have to stop putting up the same walls. It's part of what I am working on.
Have to tell you that I am smiling ear to ear over this post.
I am so freakin thrilled that these baby steps are going to lead to giant leaps!
This is such a happy post. So glad things went well for you on the 4th.
I just saw this quote someplace. Thought it might be helpful.
You cannot dream yourself into a character: you must hammer and forge yourself into one.
~ Henry D. Thoreau
WIN!
I hope once you find it you never go back to that other place.
Glad you've had some good experiences with just letting yourself be you! Sounds like you were greatly rewarded!
~Emmy
PS: Yes, I'm just getting to my blog reading this week :)
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