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About two years ago, I wrote my first Critically Flawed post. At the time, I was focusing on explaining why the arguments of others were critically flawed - why I was right and they were wrong - I didn't realize when writing it just how much it said about me.
I've been trudging through the muck for years. I feel misunderstood by most people and, honestly? Just plain crazy most of the time. I want to fit in. I want to be successful - personally and professionally. I want people to "get" me and appreciate me for me (not to be confused with liking me - they are very different). I want life to run smoothly.
These past few months I've had a lot of time to work on me. For the most part, I know what my challenges are, but I've become frustrated with my lack of progress in reinventing myself. Yesterday, I had a moment, a moment where the bigger picture (which has been clear to just about everyone else) finally came into much better focus for me.
There is TONS of information out there on Asperger's Syndrome and autism spectrum disorders ... if you are dealing with an 8-year old boy. I never saw any correlation between my life and the things I was reading about/for Cam because ... well ... I'm not an 8-year old boy. Sure, I scored ridiculously high on the AQ test, but that's not diagnostic, it means nothing, right? Right??
Yesterday afternoon, Maggie sent me this email:
Y'all know me, I'll voraciously consume anything that might help Cam and/or the way I deal/advocate for Cam. I click the link and decide to read Why I need a sick day to register my car. The title of the article sounds like something I might write myself - good place to start. Within moments I am sitting at my desk in tears.
No, I didn't cry because Why I need a sick day to register my car is about a trip to the DMV that included running over a pet bunny and crushing the heart of a 7-year old girl, in fact thosefew of you who decide to click on that link and read the post will likely wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I could read those words and actually generate tears. What's "wrong" with me is THAT post is MY life.
I can usually read just about any blog post and identify with something that is written - this is the first time I've read a blog and identified with everything that was written - especially the "crazy" parts. Penelope Trunk was inside my head ... and my heart.
I have always known that I am difficult, at best, to get along with.All Most of the time I come across as mean, opinionated, pompous, narcissistic and just plain rude *y'all can stop nodding your heads now* That isn't what's in my heart or my head - it never has been - yet it is what most many people see. People are just plain exhausted after having to deal with me for any length of time and will, more times than not, choose to write me off (and say less-than-nice things about me to others) rather than get pulled down with me in the muck (as they see it). If you question that for a moment, just look at my relationship history.
Yesterday, I realized I'm not crazy. I'm not a bad person. There are other people out there who cannot remember how old they are but can easily tell you what year they were born. There are other people who have a long list of social rules they must process (think of a huge flow chart in your brain) when entering any situation that requires dealing with people. There are other people who are confused when, during a conversation, people give answers to questions that aren't the "right" answer but instead are the "good manners" answer.
I may be many things, but I am not crazy. I am not bad. I am not mean, opinionated, pompous, narcissistic or just plain rude either (although I do have my moments). Nope! Not me! If that's what you see when you "look" at me I really hope you just go away - or prepare yourself for the FUCK OFF that will eventually come your way - I am not subtle either.
About two years ago, I wrote my first Critically Flawed post. At the time, I was focusing on explaining why the arguments of others were critically flawed - why I was right and they were wrong - I didn't realize when writing it just how much it said about me.I've been trudging through the muck for years. I feel misunderstood by most people and, honestly? Just plain crazy most of the time. I want to fit in. I want to be successful - personally and professionally. I want people to "get" me and appreciate me for me (not to be confused with liking me - they are very different). I want life to run smoothly.
These past few months I've had a lot of time to work on me. For the most part, I know what my challenges are, but I've become frustrated with my lack of progress in reinventing myself. Yesterday, I had a moment, a moment where the bigger picture (which has been clear to just about everyone else) finally came into much better focus for me.
There is TONS of information out there on Asperger's Syndrome and autism spectrum disorders ... if you are dealing with an 8-year old boy. I never saw any correlation between my life and the things I was reading about/for Cam because ... well ... I'm not an 8-year old boy. Sure, I scored ridiculously high on the AQ test, but that's not diagnostic, it means nothing, right? Right??
Yesterday afternoon, Maggie sent me this email:
Yesterday's discussion on your blog reminded me that I should share a blog with you. Penelope Trunk writes about career stuff but also interweaves stories about her life with Aspergers and raising a son on the spectrum and it is totally fascinating and helpful.
Y'all know me, I'll voraciously consume anything that might help Cam and/or the way I deal/advocate for Cam. I click the link and decide to read Why I need a sick day to register my car. The title of the article sounds like something I might write myself - good place to start. Within moments I am sitting at my desk in tears.
No, I didn't cry because Why I need a sick day to register my car is about a trip to the DMV that included running over a pet bunny and crushing the heart of a 7-year old girl, in fact those
I can usually read just about any blog post and identify with something that is written - this is the first time I've read a blog and identified with everything that was written - especially the "crazy" parts. Penelope Trunk was inside my head ... and my heart.
I have always known that I am difficult, at best, to get along with.
Yesterday, I realized I'm not crazy. I'm not a bad person. There are other people out there who cannot remember how old they are but can easily tell you what year they were born. There are other people who have a long list of social rules they must process (think of a huge flow chart in your brain) when entering any situation that requires dealing with people. There are other people who are confused when, during a conversation, people give answers to questions that aren't the "right" answer but instead are the "good manners" answer.
I may be many things, but I am not crazy. I am not bad. I am not mean, opinionated, pompous, narcissistic or just plain rude either (although I do have my moments). Nope! Not me! If that's what you see when you "look" at me I really hope you just go away - or prepare yourself for the FUCK OFF that will eventually come your way - I am not subtle either.
~*~*~
13 comments:
I dig the "Fuck Off" threat but, "not opinionated"? Ha. You crack me up. Cheers Dana!!
You know what's funny? I don't see you the way you describe yourself at all - other than the opinionated part. But I like someone with opinions.
I am glad you found someone out there that you can relate to. It must be exhausting to live your whole life as described in the DMV story, but it is really good to know that you are not alone in feeling that way.
Matt-Man, I'm not opinionated, I'm right! Well ... as right as I can be at that moment or until I'm given contrary information. I guess that makes me opinionated :)
Karen, I think - generally - people who read my blog (and have read for quite some time) are fairly good at "getting" me, but there are a few closed-minded folks who visit here who are far more concerned with judging that understanding. They get the FUCK OFF!
And yes, life *is* mentally exhausting which was the primary reason I started this blog. It's an opportunity to not have to follow the constant social flow-chart.
Oh god the flow chart! Glad I could help. Her advice and coping mechanisms are good for many types of people.
You know, I find working with my kids with Asperger's tough because of exactly what you are saying. I want to help them be more socially appropriate and understand life's social rules, but at the same time, I don't want them to think there is anything wrong with being who they are. It's SO hard...and totally my favorite thing about my job.
@Magie - good find.
What's amazing about Penelope is that she is organized enough to do the website she does. She said "How can the whole world be so organized?" Depends on what holds your interest.
@Dana - "I want life to run smoothly." BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA
P.S. I am officially subscribed to her posts. I am trying to cut back on the blogs I read! See what you do to me? :)
The words 'bad person' or mean, opinionated, pompous, narcissistic and just plain rude never have come into my mind when I think of you Dana
To me, you are a woman that had a tough time as a child due to your home life...you had a tragedy hit you as a young woman...you just removed yourself from a very tough (if not horrible) marriage
And I see a mother whose main concern is her son and as any mother will do, you protect him with your life.
To me that equates to a normal human being.
You are, not subtle.
Maggie, you keep updating your mental flow-chart too, don't you?? Although I appreciate that Penelope isn't afraid to expose her (different) thinking, what I like most is that she gives practical tools to help navigate different thinking processes.
Gina, what's funny is that I really thought I was just a moron because the whole social rules thing doesn't just come to me like it does other people. It is something I probably need to work a bit harder on - especially at work.
Mike, I really do want life to run smoothly 'cause all of the manic ups and downs send me over the edge!
Vinny "Bond" Marini, I've clearly got you fooled then! I can think of THREE people right off the top of my head that are CONVINCED they are smarter than you are because they know the *REAL* me. *wink*
we're doomed, I'm not even good at faking subtle ...
I sure do, Dana, I sure do.
I've told so many to fuck off or just walked away, that I've lost count. I'm not subtle either. Fuck 'em all.
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